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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need some support and hand holding

63 replies

TheHobbit · 25/03/2015 09:56

Well my DP has just tet again sent me a breakup text when im at work!! I'm devastated, It's been a very tough relationship as he has bipolar, we were together for two years abd I stuck by him through thick and thin, we live together. I also managed to get him diagnosed and on good meds to manage his bipolar. He has very low downs though and he has a huge chip on his shoulder from his past. He has never put me first always himself so he is very selfish and he can't manage basic tasks. But I stuck by him and I took on our responsibilities and also the breadwinner role. Now he decided he only loves me as a friend and wants to move out.

It is stressful living with him as hes always moody but I still love him with all my heart. I feel broken and sitting at work in tears! Please help Sad

OP posts:
Cherryapple1 · 25/03/2015 10:01

Nothing you can do but let him move out. Sounds a very unequal relationship tbh. If he is selfish then you will be better off without him? Do you think he has someone else? Either way you deserve much better.

Clobbered · 25/03/2015 10:02

This will sound harsh, but for goodness sake, this man is a terrible drain on your life, energy, emotions. Heave a sigh of relief and let him go. You love him, but he isn't fit to be your partner. Find someone else who is.

Original poster
TheHobbit · 25/03/2015 10:06

No he definitely doesn't have anyone else. In fact he never leaves the house except with me.

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Original poster
TheHobbit · 25/03/2015 10:07

He's just going through a major downer at the moment and has got it in his head that I'm going to hurt him and I'm weak, both completely untrue but no matter how much I reassure him it doesn't work. Im on anti anxiety pills because he is so stressful to live with.

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Original poster
TheHobbit · 25/03/2015 10:09

I feel as if im never going to love again. Im 35 now and I feel I am a good catch as im attractive, strong and funny, unfortunately the man I loved with all my heart can't see that.

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Cherryapple1 · 25/03/2015 10:12

you can't fix him. Many of us are much older than you and happier single. 35 is young. If he is so stressful to live with then don't live with him.

Vivacia · 25/03/2015 10:18

I am so sorry to hear that you're having to deal with this at work!! Can you take an extra long lunch or something? Probably best not to take any time off if you can help it.

Saying that, reading your OP doesn't sound like someone describing their romantic/intimate relationship.

Original poster
TheHobbit · 25/03/2015 10:25

I know people don't understand why I am in a relationship with someone so hard to be with but he is also loving and kind and really funny when he is not going through the moods. I really feel broken and I have devoted so much of my time and effort

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Cherryapple1 · 25/03/2015 10:31

There is nothing you can do though is there? Don't resort to begging. But I love him isn't an excuse for him to treat you like rubbish. And it seems he doesn't treat you kindly. Don't let his illness be an excuse for his bad behaviour. The best thing you can do is let him go and do not contact him. Preserve your dignity at all costs. And yes, many people here have been in similar relationships for very many years - and have broken free of them because they see they deserve better.

Vivacia · 25/03/2015 10:46

I know people don't understand why I am in a relationship with someone so hard to be with...

No, no, no OP! This is not a case of us not understanding what an angel you must be. This is a case of us saying a relationship shouldn't be based on being an angel. Or martyr or fixer.
A relationship shouldn't be, "But I fixed his meds! I donated so much of my time! I donated so much of my effort".

Original poster
TheHobbit · 25/03/2015 10:49

I know its just really hard to try and get over. I can barely work I'm distraught. I really don't know what I have done wrong. Im so confused about all this.

OP posts:
Cherryapple1 · 25/03/2015 10:56

You haven't done anything wrong - except making allowances for him. This is his fault, and this is who he is. Nothing you can do to change or fix him.Don't waste another 2 years waiting for crumbs of comfort when he deigns to be nice to you.

pocketsaviour · 25/03/2015 10:57

Hobbit I'm so sorry Flowers

I think you have to accept that it's over. You can go on making excuses for him as long as you like, but you can't cure him. You can be a friend, but you are not responsible for his happiness.

People with chronic depression can be inherently selfish (and I say this having had severe depression myself.) It's a "feature" of the illness.

I know this must feel very devastating for you - Im sorry.

Vivacia · 25/03/2015 11:07

It is what it is. There's no blame or fault. Sometimes there isn't anyone to blame. I think it's interesting that you feel otherwise and that you think it's you that's in the wrong.

I really think it's shit that you're having to deal with this at work. Is there anyway you can find a bit of comfort?

Original poster
TheHobbit · 25/03/2015 11:45

Thanks everyone I don't feel quite so alone. The only comfort I have at the moment is my own office so I can cry and be alone. I have no RL friends at all.

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hippymama1 · 25/03/2015 12:09

Hobbit So sorry that you are so unhappy...

I agree with previous posters, particularly pocket - you can't fix him - he has to fix himself...

You deserve to be in an equal relationship. He sounds like a pretty inconsiderate person - breaking up with your partner of 2 years via text is pretty poor form. When you know they are at work too - awful.

You deserve better. Flowers

Vivacia · 25/03/2015 12:11

Planning to spend the day at work crying at your desk, is not healthy. You need TLC! Have you got any plans for giving yourself some for the rest of the day?

(How many texts have you sent each other?).

Original poster
TheHobbit · 25/03/2015 20:59

I'm struggling so much with this. I'm at home with him and all I want to do is give him a big kiss. I love him so much. It's to painful to bear.

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Original poster
TheHobbit · 25/03/2015 21:02

I can't understand why. He is a chef but has never been abke to really hold a job down. What is he going to do when he leaves. I've always looked after him and loved him unconditionally. He was my world I feel like everything I did for him was for nothing. I fought for his medical help and diagnosis. I was there through his ups and downs, always by his side making sure he was lovedcabd comfortable. I feel distraught.

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Original poster
TheHobbit · 25/03/2015 21:03

Sorry about typos in tears writing this.

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Original poster
TheHobbit · 25/03/2015 21:03

Trying to think of his gross sides like picking his nose and eating it yeugh!!!

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Cherryapple1 · 25/03/2015 21:08

You aren't meant to look after him - you aren't his mother. I thought he was leaving - why is he still there?

candyce83 · 25/03/2015 21:11

It sounds like a very codependent relationship...

TheoriginalLEM · 25/03/2015 21:12

You poor thing - it must be really tough for you both with his illness. It is an illness and could be the reason why he is behaving as he is just now. Pushing you away to punish himself etc. But it is not your job to fix him and it does sound like he maybe has been relying on you too much. It might actually be better for him to be on his own just now. He needs to learn to look after himself. AND SO DO YOU! you need to look after YOURSELF! You say you don't have any rl friends, probably because deliberately or otherwise he has isolated you from your friends. I know you are hurting now but i can't help but wonder if this is for the best, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

Everything you did for him wasn't for nothing, helping him get a diagnosis is a massive thing. For whatever reason he is too selfish to realise that but in all honesty, gratitude is the wrong reason to continue with a relationship.

You sound like a lovely caring person, its time you starting caring for yourself. And yeah, who wants a man who picks his nose and eats it - i bet he doesn't wash his hands when he wipes his backside either Wink

Original poster
TheHobbit · 25/03/2015 21:35

No original he didn't ha ha, you made me laugh at the wiping backside, you are right. He also never put the toilet seat up so he kept weeing on the seat and I kept sitting on it. I need to remember the bad to get over this. I told him he is a fool and in time he will regret losing someone who really accepted him for him. I believe it is his illness talking as two weeks ago we were so happy and then he hit major depression. He's still here because he has nowhere else to go. He seems to think he wipl move out in a couple of weeks but he doesn't even have a hank account. His parents sent me money for his keep. They also gave us a mansion back in our home town where we could live and run as a b&b. They've said I can have it now as he's not capable to run it by himself so it's mine now. He's also just thrown that away!!

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