Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I need some support and hand holding

63 replies

TheHobbit · 25/03/2015 09:56

Well my DP has just tet again sent me a breakup text when im at work!! I'm devastated, It's been a very tough relationship as he has bipolar, we were together for two years abd I stuck by him through thick and thin, we live together. I also managed to get him diagnosed and on good meds to manage his bipolar. He has very low downs though and he has a huge chip on his shoulder from his past. He has never put me first always himself so he is very selfish and he can't manage basic tasks. But I stuck by him and I took on our responsibilities and also the breadwinner role. Now he decided he only loves me as a friend and wants to move out.

It is stressful living with him as hes always moody but I still love him with all my heart. I feel broken and sitting at work in tears! Please help

OP posts:

Smorgasboard · 25/03/2015 21:37

It may be helpful for you to seek some counselling for yourself, as to aim to go beyond the call in the hope of fixing someone who can only decide to do that themselves, is not a healthy way to go about things. Never should you make a man you're entire world, you need friends and other interests to have a healthy balance. It is poinient that you say you have no friends, work on that. If there is nothing but a man in your life, despair is exactly where you find yourself when the man does not reciprocate. Overdoing things does not convince a man who wants to leave. Don't become an endless convincer or pleaser, you will be setting yourself up for heartache. Find a man who loves you as you are, not just the things you do. Hope you can learn from this. It's your life that needs to change and you control that as much as your DP controls what he does.

Original poster

TheHobbit · 25/03/2015 21:37

I bet next week when he hits a mania episode he will act like nothing happened and will talk about going back to run our business. Sorry I'm really using this ss an outlet as I'm in so much pain.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheHobbit · 25/03/2015 21:39

Thanks Smorg, infact I have already set up counselling for myself in a couple of weeks and im on a beta blocker to help cope.

OP posts:

Smorgasboard · 25/03/2015 23:33

Good, that's a really positive step. I hope it helps

Ouchbloodyouch · 26/03/2015 07:00

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/i-can-change-him-syndromefixer-uppers/
Have a little read. It might help.

Original poster

TheHobbit · 26/03/2015 07:15

Thanks Ouch I checked it out. I don't think im that bad. I do however see hope in people. The thing is I accepted him as he was I never wanted to change him at all. Ive read pieces by other people who are with partners with bipolar and they all seem to ho through exactly what I am going through at the moment.

OP posts:

peacefuleasyfeeling · 26/03/2015 07:19

Dear Hobbit, you sound an absolute honey, and believe me, you have dodged a bullet. If creating a family was ever on your horizon, count yourself lucky you will not be turning that beautiful dream into a nightmare with this man. I am so relieved on your behalf, speaking a bit like Dickens' The Ghost of Future Christmases.

Original poster

TheHobbit · 26/03/2015 07:44

Thanks Peace those were very kind words. I had actually made peace with the fact that I wouldn't ever have a family with him as he wouldn't cope. Maybe now I can with someone else, I don't know. Im trying to comfort him

OP posts:

Vivacia · 26/03/2015 07:54

Why do you think that this is what a desirable relationship looks like? It's unhealthy.

Original poster

TheHobbit · 26/03/2015 08:00

Its bipolar, its always going to be unhealthy because I have seen first hand how brutal it can be. I didn't want to give up on him because he has an illness. I know alot of people wouldn't do it and would run a mile. But I had accepted it as a way of life.

OP posts:

wotoodoo · 26/03/2015 08:20

Your love, care and time is spent on someone who is never going to give you a happy ever after and you seem drawn to that.

Your love, care and concern enables him to behave badly and you can't seem to detach.

You are more like a mental health nurse to him and you can't see how toxic your dependency is on him.

No wonder he only wants you as a friend op, this relationship is really unhealthy!

Please take up hobbies, try and make new friends, get out and about and don't let your life be so consumed by 'fixing'him.

It is not a normal, loving, mutually beneficial and happy relationship at all and you seriously need to detach and refresh and discover yourself first.

Let him be. You are not what's best for him even though your ego tells you you are.

Get a life for yourself. You did your best. You are far too needy and smothering to be healthy for him.

Listen to his parents. Make good of your life. Be positive and put your own needs first.

Good luck

Vivacia · 26/03/2015 09:12

I wasn't referring to his bipolar, I was referring to your thoughts and reaction to the break up. It's not healthy to think, "but I invested all of that time and energy in to fixing him".

Vivacia · 26/03/2015 09:13

He doesn't owe you a relationship. Perhaps if it had been twenty-two years, but not at this level of involvement.

Original poster

TheHobbit · 26/03/2015 09:15

I never once said he owed me a relationship im just devastated.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheHobbit · 26/03/2015 09:17

And its his selfishness that has got to me as he said he doesn't care if I go homeless or starve he's the only important person now abd it's all about him. That's what upset me which is why I am upset as I have been looking after him ie- food and rent.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 26/03/2015 09:22

Well, I disagree about you not feeling he owes you a relationship, but if we're moving on to this bit,

Then it's still not a healthy relationship as you need to protect yourself.

Vivacia · 26/03/2015 09:23

(If he's left you, why is he still under your roof??).

Original poster

TheHobbit · 26/03/2015 09:25

Because he has nowhere to go yet. He's waiting for his aunt to take him in.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheHobbit · 26/03/2015 09:33

His parents sends me money for his lodging. I think they have just wiped their hands of him now and he's looking sheepish. I can't take him back not how cruelly he has treated me. By cruel I mean the horrid words that came out of his mouth

OP posts:

Vivacia · 26/03/2015 09:42

Give him some of that money and tell him to find a hotel.

hippymama1 · 26/03/2015 09:52

You can't take him back now Hobbit - Bipolar or not, everyone is accountable for their own behaviour and actions and struggling with mental health issues (as I also do) does not give the sufferer an excuse or justification for the hurt and pain they cause to other people.

He has behaved awfully and broke up with you via text. While you were at work. Absolutely disgusting way to treat someone and a complete disregard for your feelings.

If he can't look after himself in the short or long term then he will need to access additional support through his parents, family, GP or social services etc - he needs to get out of your home as soon as possible.

Vivacia makes a great suggestion about hotel, or maybe he could use the money for public transport back to his parents / aunt? I am sorry if this sounds harsh but you need to protect yourself. Having him around you is only going to prolong your pain.

I am sorry you are so unhappy setting up some counselling for yourself is a very positive step and once he has moved out of your place you can really start looking to the future you want, with an equal relationship with someone who treats you properly and can give you the things you want and need too. You deserve so much better than this.

Ouchbloodyouch · 26/03/2015 10:08

Hobbit. You need to put yourself first.

Ouchbloodyouch · 26/03/2015 10:10

Oh and my ex was bipolar. He was also a twunt. The two were exclusive.

Original poster

TheHobbit · 26/03/2015 10:14

Its just got worse! Ive now been told his aunt cant take him and now I need to fork out a hundred pounds for diddums to be able to get out and about so he wont be stuck at home

OP posts:

hippymama1 · 26/03/2015 10:18

Did his aunt tell you this or did he?

He needs to go back to his parents. Call them. They can come and collect him or send him the money to get back to their place. He is their responsibility.

Is his name on the lease / agreement of your home?

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread