feeling let down by mum with decisions on her will

[mumnosbest]

I'm feeling really confused and upset by a phone call with my mum about her will and can't really discuss it with anyone. Sorry if this is a bit long or confusing.

First a bit of background: I have a brother, sister and another sibling. The other has been in residential care since childhood due to disability. My brother and sister don't speak due to a falling out caused by him so I've always been stuck in the middle. My older two siblings have a different dad to me and my brother but I am equally close to both. We are all adults (30-45yrs). My father died a long time ago.

Last year I suggested my mum should make a new will as I don't want to be stuck between 2 fighting siblings and she doesn't want the sister in care included as she is already provided for.

This morning my mum rang to ask me to go with her to make a will, leaving everything to my brother, as he still lives at home and she doesn't want him to be homeless.

I understand her wanting to provide for him but he's a grown man. He has been very lazy over the years, only working over the last 2 years, whilst my sister and I have struggled with mortgages, jobs, families etc. My mum has been ill over the past few years and it's me and my family that look after her and taxi her about. She even lived with us for 3 months when she was unable to care for herself (even though me and DH work full-time and have 3 DC and her son was living in her house and not working). I also think that my dad would turn in his grave to think his other children were left out like this.

I can't discuss this with my sister as I think it would ruin her already fragile relationship with my mum. I don't want to appear greedy but I am feeling really shocked and confused. I can't imagine treating my 3 DC like this.

We were in a similar position a few years ago. I come from a large family where two siblings had never left home. One of my parents wanted to leave the house to the two siblings as they had no home of their own. My parent was doing it for the right reasons but did not take into account how hurtful it was to the rest of us. There was a will drawn up to that effect. We discussed it together and then explained to my parents how it seemed to us. Eventually they saw our point of view and the will was changed. I have to say there was no bad feeling, just sadness that they could even think of cutting us out in that way.

Both parent have now sadly died and we are in the process of selling the house, both siblings will be moving out and making their own arrangements, with help from the rest of us.

I think you have to discuss this with your mother, being very careful not to start an argument or back yourself into a corner where it seems it is all about the money, as I know that is not the case. Try to get her to see how hurtful it is to you, but you also have to understand that from her point of view she doesn't want to die knowing your brother will be unprovided for.

Good luck

I think you should say something to your mum. Explain that it would mean a lot to you and your sister if you were acknowledged and were to receive an item specifically picked out by your mum. Perhaps her engagement ring, perhaps something inherited on your dad's side etc. Perhaps she'd like to do something similar for the grandchildren.

I wouldn't mention lifts or lazy brothers. You presumably give your mum lifts to be helpful, not in order to benefit financially.

thanks both for replying. Of course I do these things for my mum because I care and wont stop now but it is hurtful. I see where she is coming from as 1/3 of a house wouldn't help my brother to start up on his own and I know my sister wouldn't help him at all. I am pleased that my mum is actually making a new will. I don't know how I'd approach her at all. She has very little other than the house, jewellery etc was shared out when she began a new relationship (which ended). For myself I don't feel a change in decision could take back the fact she has chosen my brother over us (even though I understand her reasons). My sister on the other hand will feel hurt and angry but she doesn't seem to feel the need to tell her about this and it's not my place.

I understand that you do not really want to discuss it with your mum. Obviously it is her choice who she leaves the house to. I do feel though that it will eat you up if you don't. She has probably not thought it through about how you will feel about it, and may be horrified that you would be so upset. You could perhaps suggest that she thinks it over some more before a final decision?

Oh how difficult.

I'm not surprised you feel let down. Sounds like he's been a lazy sponger and is going to get the house as a reward. Your poor mum as well, she must be in a difficult position and as chosen this out of a desire to ensure all her children are housed after her death, rather than out of fairness. Don't know what you can do really.

I don't think there is much to do really. It is her decision. She hasn't made an appointment yet so still has time to think about it and maybe realise how it might make us feel. The receptionist has told her she will need more than a basic will in case her other children (me and my sister) were to contest it, that in itself should make her think surely! I've also suggested she thinks about what would happen if my brother died. She would not be happy if he married and left her house to a wife and her daughters were left out. She suggested leaving it to my brother and her grandchildren after him but not sure if that's even possible. Surely it is then my brother's property to sell or will to whoever he likes.

You are right Eliza it is already eating away at me and I don't want to resent my brother or mum :(

I would suggest to her that in advance of making it she sits down with you all and explain her wishes. These things always end badly when the will comes as a shock after the death. If you sit down you can chat it through and all perspectives can be heard. If you are in England only the dependants can contest a will. Are you sure your disabled sibling isn't classed as being a dependent? I feel for you, I wish people would just share things equally among their children.

Could be left to grandchildren with right for brother to live in the house for his lifetime.

A friend was in a similar situation with brother. The brother was left a third share [ 3 siblings ]but given five years to leave the house; seemed to work ok

I would say that a third of a property is absolutely ideal for setting up on his own. Very odd to think that adult children need entire houses bought for them.

I'd have words and I'm not sure how diplomatic I could force myself to be.

code No chance of this family sitting down together never mind talking about it! The only time I have ever got her to discuss her will at all was on a long car journey and she couldn't get away. I think we would all be happy if she left it to the grandkids but allowed him to live in it for his lifetime. That would be fair enough.

I would suggest what Cleo has already mentioned. That your mother specifies that your brother can live in the property for the rest of his lifetime, making him a Life Tenant, and that upon his death the proceeds from the house sale go to her grandchildren. This is a pretty common set up, and as he has no dependants to leave his estate to would seem to be a fairer option.

Although an inheritance is not a right, it is very upsetting when parents don't treat their children equally, so you have my sympathy.

I don't think there's much you can do tbh OP. It's quite common for sisters to be overlooked in wills in favour of feckless ne'er do well brothers. It's quite common for one sibling to get the ear of an aging parent and get them to leave all the dosh to them.

These things have happened in my father's family in the past couple of generations, and I've seen it happen in other families too.

You could try talking to her but it would be very difficult not to come across as grasping and at the end of the day she will leave her money how she fancies.

But why should the two daughters be excluded and the house go to the grandchildren? What about them? They are the daughters and they should inherit along with their brother.

OP, I'm furious on your behalf. Your mum has put you in a horrible position. I do think you should say something to her, though, and tell her how hurt you are and how hurt your sister would be if they were completely ignored in the Will. And I don't agree with the poster who said you should ask for a ring or something similar; you should ask to be treated equally, that's all.

I don't know how people can consider leaving everything to one person and nothing to others, particularly when the others have done so much to help.

I agree with Cleo. Is it not possible to will the property to the three of you (or your DC) with your brother having the right to live in the property for as long as he chooses?

This seems a compromise to me and your mum will be doing what she thinks right for your brother whilst acknowledging you and your sister. It's a fairly straightforward measure which is often written into wills where a parent has met a new partner and wants to look after them but also wants their assets to stay within their family.

ok, I bit the bullet and rang her. I told her the phone call had been playing on my mind. She knew how worried I was about being stuck in the middle last year so I have played on that. I said I knew it would cause more arguments when my sister found out (didn't mention myself so didn't appear greedy). I suggested she left it all to existing and future grandchildren (to include brothers if he ever settles down) and that he should live in it for the remainder of his life. She didn't like the thought that her house could end up with a 'money grabbing wife' (her words) so that solves that problem too. She seems quite happy with that, so fingers crossed. She still wants me to go with her so I'll know what she decides soon enough. I think she is just oblivious to how she would make us feel. Have to say talking to your mum about life after she has gone is the toughest conversation I've had to date with her.

How old is your brother? How old is your mum? You might think this is reasonable now, OP, but what if he runs the place into the ground for fifty years after your mum dies so that it's worthless? What if your children really needed some money in the meantime? What if your husband died and you didn't have enough money to live on and your brother's living in a rent free house?

I think there's an awful lot to think about and tbh I think your mum's actions are guaranteeing that nobody will want anything to do with your brother after she's died.

Wow, I literally felt a thump in the gut when I read this op.

What makes it doubly galling is she has asked you to go along with her to the solicitors to do it . talk about carrying your own cross!

She is grossly misguided to do this. It is not about the money, it's well-known that what is left translates as love and care to potential benefactors. How could she be so blind?!

But if she's anything like my mother - and she certainly sounds it - she lives in lala denial land. Is there a relative who could have a word with her to point out how idiotic she is being?

I feel for you. So hurtful.

Well done OP.

Difficult call for you to make but hopefully you will get the right result for you, your siblings and your DM.

How about the solicitor giving her advice? Ie a service that advises ppl on wills.

What she is doing is an almighty clanger - and she seems oblivious!

Well done on making that call.

Well, not good enough imo. The result, that is - your brother luxuriating like a dog in a manger until the end of his life. Then when he goes, goodness knows how many years from now, it trickles down to the grandchildren, at a time changed beyond recognition from now, with little to no real connection. Not good enough. I'm sorry to be inflammatory.

I fear you have been cowed by the suggestion, or fear, of being greedy. The offer of a suggested engagement ring, or important jewellery,is an insult imo. No, the rightful order is for assets to be passed on fairly and squarely. She is making a huge mistake.

*not benefactors, can't think of the word! Too shocked on your behalf op!

Beneficiaries, that's it.

V glad you've managed to sort this out, OP.

We had a similar situation where my gm left her house to her dd who was still living there. The other two dd's were married and had their own houses.

No objections till the dd married and moved out, in her late 40's. At this point, she was in the same position as her elder sisters. My gm changed the will, so all 3 would benefit equally, but didn't tell anyone. It was a bit of a frosty funeral.

The youngest dd accepted this had been the right thing to do. Her dh, on the other hand, did not take it at all well. It seems he had ambitions to be a property developer.

Bore a grudge for years against his wife's sisters. When she died, earlier than her sisters, with whom she continued to be on friendly terms, he deliberately binned all family memorabilia and gave her jewellery to his own family.

I'm hoping there will be a bit of a discussion at the solicitors to clarify her decision. My mum is late 60's and brother early 30's. I know there's a risk that my brother could run the house into the ground but it already needs a lot of work as it is. At the end of the day I'm here to provide for my DCs, that's my job and the house would be a bonus but I'd rather they had their Gran. It really isn't about the money so if the house is worthless by the time my brother has finished with it then so be it but at least my mum will have been fair. Hopefully one day my brother will grow up and have his own DC to think of too and will preserve their inheritance. My brother may have been a lay about but I'm glad he will be provided for too. He is how he is because of his upbringing so I can't really blame him.

I feel much happier for getting it all off my chest and hopefully things will feel a bit fairer now. Big Thanks to all of you as I really did need to talk this through