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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found a horrible message he's left me

52 replies

Balders74 · 22/03/2015 12:49

STBXH moved out a week ago after we split at the begining of the year & him faffing for 10 weeks about moving out. I instigated the split due to his PA, gas slighting, controlling EA behaviour that I'd had enough of. He has accepted no responsibility for his behaviour & has gathered people around him who know what is like as a support group. His parents have stopped talking to me even though they are well aware of what a wanker he is.

Anyway, he finally left last week & I have found a message he left for me. My best friend bought me a little hanging message that said 'In a world where you could be anything, be your self'. The night before he left I hung it over our the bed he was sleeping in. Yesterday I moved it & found he has written 'and let the world see how ugly you are on the inside too' on the back. I was really upset.

I really wanted to send him a vicious message about it but was persuaded by my friends to take the higher ground & not mention it because he is trying to get a reaction. It has made me realise how angry I am about our relationship.

When we first split he did say that he realised he treated people like shit & he'd had an epiphany & was going to change but when I did not change my mind & told him I didn't believe it he reverted back to type & now it is all my fault. I am an evil bitch that has broken up the family etc.

I need some closure but I need some way to accept that he will not take any responsiblity for his behaviour.

As for the message I am thinking of sending it to him for his birthday next month, with no message just so knows I've seen it & he can't affect me.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 22/03/2015 12:53

To show it hasn't bothered you, never mention it again to him. Else he will know that it has got to you.

Don't send it to him. Don't play games: thank your lucky stars you are out of it and he will be somebody else's problem from now on.

Nomama · 22/03/2015 12:53

Get a pot of paint and paint over it. Then forget it.

Don't send it to him, that's a reaction.

Don't feed the troll... applies in real life too

dobedobedo · 22/03/2015 12:55

I'm rubbish at advice and I'm not often here but he sounds like a right bastard. You are well rid.

Don't mention his vile little message to him. Don't even let him know it bothers you. Live a happy life without him, be better than you have ever been and when you're happy and over him and he is still a miserable little fucknose, be smug and realise how pathetic his message, and he really is.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 22/03/2015 12:57

uou will never get closure from someone who will never take responsibility. As he won't want to take responsibility! He will never admit he is in the wrong so you will have to let that idea go.

MummyBtothree · 22/03/2015 12:58

Nooooo completely keep quiet and it will drive him nuts. It will pi** on his bonfire so to speak. Like someone said paint over it and laugh to yourself. Onwards & upwards x

Cherryapple1 · 22/03/2015 12:59

I 100% agree - don't let him ever know how much he has upset you. And if he mentions it tilt your head and deny all knowledge. He is an utter grade A bastard. Thank goodness you have got rid. Keep buggering on - as my dear old Mum advised me.

HootyMcTooty · 22/03/2015 13:02

Your closure is that he's gone. Don't torture yourself hoping that he'll take responsibility, it seems unlikely that it will ever happen.

As for the message, it's just a petty way to get a rise out of you. Don't give him the satisfaction. You're doing great!

Original poster

Balders74 · 22/03/2015 13:08

Thank you, you're right. I shouldn't give him the satisfaction of any reaction. Our 14 yo DD saw the message & wanted to text him but I've told her not to get involved. She already knows what he is like because she was on the end of a lot of the EA as well, this just confirms to her what a fuckwit he is.

I have to see him later because DS stayed with him last night so I shall just smile & be normal.

I have a new mantra His opinion of me does not matter to me. I shall be repeating that in my head when I see him.

OP posts:

Whocansay · 22/03/2015 13:18

I clearly have different thought processes to you lot. I frame it and keep it close by to remind me what a shit he is! If you ever start to think 'what if' it's a perfect reminder!

But definitely don't mention it to him. He's nothing.

Whocansay · 22/03/2015 13:19

'I'd frame it'.

Should read properly before posting!

paxtecum · 22/03/2015 13:28

I wouldn't frame it.
I would throw it away, I'm afraid.

He has tainted it.

Buy yourself another one.

AnyFucker · 22/03/2015 13:36

yep ignore

like you would with an attention seeking 3yo

EllaFitzgerald · 22/03/2015 13:38

I agree that I wouldn't mention it to him at all. I think I'd just decide that as everything was always about him, and his wants and needs, then his message was obviously about him as well. Then I'd buy a little tester pot of paint, cover it up and think about how I would want to redecorate my bedroom to erase every trace of him.

alphabook · 22/03/2015 13:40

Don't feed the troll. He is desperate for a reaction, just be glad he's gone and start moving forward with your life.

redskirt · 22/03/2015 13:43

I recently found some notes I'd made a few years ago, immediately after a few incidents of verbal abuse from exP. They were vile. I had forgotten so much of the horrible things that were said to me in front of dd. (I've put lots of strategies in place now to protect me and dd). But what was recently happening was people starting to question why I do things like never being alone with exP, not having any discussions at pickups etc, even my mother suggesting maybe I could find it in me to be nice to exP - whilst my gut is screaming at me to keep the boundaries in pace. Anyway, coming across these notes reminded me why I need to keep my protective boundaries in place.

So what I'm getting at is maybe keep it somewhere, because down the track you might appreciate a concrete reminder of why you left him (especially as he has form for gaslighting)

ancientbuchanan · 22/03/2015 13:46

I would not react at all to him, and just say to your DD that as well as being unpleasant he is being silly. V toddler like behaviour.

I personally would keep it until whatever arrangements you have a finalized, in proof of unreasonable behaviour should you need it either for officialdom or yourself if you have a weak moment. But I would have a drawer with all that sort of official stuff and just dump it in there. and close it. And redecorate

Original poster

Balders74 · 22/03/2015 13:47

Thank you all & redskirt I think I will put it away somewhere as a memento of why we split.

I am going to see my solicitor on Thursday to get the divorce ball rolling so things will probably get worse in the next few weeks but he is not living here & the DC & I are thoroughly enjoying that!

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 22/03/2015 13:49

Oh OP he really sounds vile. And so so fucking petty.

Here's the two things I always say on threads like this.

First THE BEST ANSWER IS NO ANSWER. Nothing you can ever think of to say to him will ever drive him as bonkers as your silence.

and secondly IT DOESN'T MATTER. Trying to get one up on him, figure him out, work out what makes him tick, whatever. It's all a waste of time. It doesn't matter. It won'yt change a thing. It certainly won't change him. It won't get you to a better place. It'll just drive you as bonkers as he is! So just drop yor shoulders (literally and metorphorically) and let it all go. Let him tie himself in knots and eat himeself up with petty bitterness. Smile serenely and look to the future

Good luck OP. Happiness is just around the coner for you I know it

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 22/03/2015 13:50

If ever he mentions it in the future, you must laugh and say, "oh god yes! Ha! I found that when friend was here, it was absolute confirmation that I am so much better than you in every way. Me and friend laughed so hard."

But never ever ever bring it up yourself.

Good luck! You've definitely made the right decision to get away, well done you :)

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 22/03/2015 13:52

And I promise that one day you will look back and laugh at how pathetic his actions were

tribpot · 22/03/2015 13:59

The only reason to give a reaction in my mind is the fact your 14 year-old saw it. I would want her to know that bullies are cowards. Plus she may feel she has to say something if you don't, because no doubt she's mad as hell about it.

For yourself I would definitely never say one word as what he wants is the reaction. But I think I would ask her how she wants you to deal with it, if she still seems bothered about it. If you think she's basically just chalked it up to 'my dad is a prick' then I would throw it out and get another one.

FryOneFatManic · 22/03/2015 14:05

What's the old saying? "The best revenge is a life lived well"

OP, live your life well, enjoy your new future. When your ex sees you moving on without even a backwards glance at him, he'll be the one feeling bitter and twisted because nothing he does can touch you (or at least, don't let it appear to touch you, even if you rage internally).

Handywoman · 22/03/2015 14:33

I would be tempted to photocopy it and send it to him with divorce papers ?? but your friends are right - the best revenge is a life well lived.

After a few difficult weeks getting my EA ex to agree to divorce using a solicitor, my ex tried this week to apologise to me for the behaviour which drained all the love I had and forced me to leave. It was a very empty and hollow attempt, with no real emotional depth. Due to my restrictions on contact it was the first conversation I've had with him in 20 months since I kicked him out. I was struck by what a superficial dickwad he sounded. It was the best form of closure: the feeling that if I met him now I would find him laughable and not touch with a barge pole! Every nuance of his conversation screamed : EMOTIONAL VACCUM. I finally feel at peace with it all.

It is ok to feel very angry right now, but I hope this day comes to you soon. In then meantime there is friendship, counselling and to get you through.

Enjoy the peace in your house

CharityD · 22/03/2015 14:38

Try to think of it as a message he was sending to himself. Easier said than done, I know. I agree about not bringing it up, complete non reaction will p1ss him off, and have an answer ready, if he brings it up.

etStykkeKage · 22/03/2015 14:42

That is a classic drama bait op.
So, drop the rope.

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