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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found a horrible message he's left me

52 replies

Balders74 · 22/03/2015 12:49

STBXH moved out a week ago after we split at the begining of the year & him faffing for 10 weeks about moving out. I instigated the split due to his PA, gas slighting, controlling EA behaviour that I'd had enough of. He has accepted no responsibility for his behaviour & has gathered people around him who know what is like as a support group. His parents have stopped talking to me even though they are well aware of what a wanker he is.

Anyway, he finally left last week & I have found a message he left for me. My best friend bought me a little hanging message that said 'In a world where you could be anything, be your self'. The night before he left I hung it over our the bed he was sleeping in. Yesterday I moved it & found he has written 'and let the world see how ugly you are on the inside too' on the back. I was really upset.

I really wanted to send him a vicious message about it but was persuaded by my friends to take the higher ground & not mention it because he is trying to get a reaction. It has made me realise how angry I am about our relationship.

When we first split he did say that he realised he treated people like shit & he'd had an epiphany & was going to change but when I did not change my mind & told him I didn't believe it he reverted back to type & now it is all my fault. I am an evil bitch that has broken up the family etc.

I need some closure but I need some way to accept that he will not take any responsiblity for his behaviour.

As for the message I am thinking of sending it to him for his birthday next month, with no message just so knows I've seen it & he can't affect me.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 22/03/2015 15:20

Definitely don't react. If he doesn't know whether or not you have seen it it will drive him nuts...

pocketsaviour · 22/03/2015 15:48

Yes, he did it for a reaction. Don't bite!

I'd be tempted to think about (but not do!) getting him a special one of a kind mug from Moonpig for his birthday. In big letters on the front, "WORLD'S BEST" and it's in the presentation box like that. Then when he turns it round, on the reverse is "CUNT".

Making up shit like that in my head helps me have a laugh at horrible ex's instead of feeling angry or upset.

Trumpton · 22/03/2015 17:09

Here's a new one for you...
I believe in mind over matter, I don't mind and you don't matter.

Ignore.

thenextday · 22/03/2015 17:51

I have had similar abuse from h over last few months.
But you know what...I remained detached, calm, talked quietly and reasonably ( which I know got on his nerves)
Never rose to it. Or answered his abuse with anything but a " that's interesting" type of reply.
A week before our divorce he has cried on the phone to me telling me how sorry he is, how his behaviour has been shocking, how he realises what he has thrown away.
And I just smiled. And thought fuck you, you lonely saddo.
I have claimed the moral high ground.
And my future looks great.

Kewcumber · 22/03/2015 18:11

but he is not living here & the DC & I are thoroughly enjoying that!

Isn't that the best "closure" you can get? What could top that?

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 22/03/2015 18:23

If he ever mentions it, smile and say - I thought you meant yourself.

Original poster

Balders74 · 22/03/2015 18:47

Thank you for all your kind & supportive words. They actually brought a tear to my eye, I am a bit of an emotional wreck at the moment.

I must be doing a good job of being detached because he is keen on telling me I have a heart of ice, mainly because I very rarely rise to his bait & that must mean I am an ice queen.

I found out today that my MIL, who was like a second DM to me until the split but has not spoken to me since, may be going into hospital with ongoing heart problems. I am now thinking it may not be a good time to start the divorce petition.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 22/03/2015 18:57

No, this is the best time to start the divorce petition because it is the best time for you

Do not get derailed now.

CharityD · 22/03/2015 19:02

I agree with AnyFucker.

Handywoman · 22/03/2015 19:09

Oh good lord do not get derailed with the divorce. Its the best time - the time is now

Original poster

Balders74 · 22/03/2015 20:13

It turns out that being a drama queen runs in his family & the issue with MIL is not as serious as it was made to sound.

Appointment with Solicitor shall stand. I need to get things formalised & the house situation resolved. His name is on the deeds & mortgage but he has paid very little in 11 years but in his entitled little world it is still his house. I realise it is legally & I need to get him off the deeds so he can't just walk in whenever he likes.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 22/03/2015 20:14

and that is why you need to press ahead

Handywoman · 22/03/2015 20:54

Keep your eyes on the prize, Balders I hope your solicitor is a good one. You must detach from them all. MIL is on his side. Make no mistake.

As you were....

etStykkeKage · 22/03/2015 21:58

Divorce him. He called you ugly on the inside. YOu owe him nothing. If he drags his mother in to his divorce that's not your fault.

I hope you get a good solicitor. Maybe show the message to the solicitor just so that she/he gets the full measure of what type of fight it's going to be.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 22/03/2015 22:03

This really shows my terrible taste in TV, but someone once said 'I can forgive and forget. I will forgive you and I will forget you'. I thought that was great!

CharityD · 22/03/2015 22:35

OP. I'm afraid that was my exact thought when you posted originally re MIL.
Go for it. We only get one shot at this life.

Mom2K · 22/03/2015 22:41

Yep, just another one here saying go for the divorce, no matter what comes up.

Original poster

Balders74 · 22/03/2015 22:44

Thank you lovely ladies. My solicitor advised me on my first visit that the only way to get things sorted would be divorce but I wasn't ready then, I am now.

I am also going to see a therapist tomorrow to help me move past feeling like I have done something wrong. I was brought up by a violent control freak & I married a similar man although without the violence. I seem to have spent my life trying to get the approval of these vile men. I need some strategies to help me believe in myself & stop trying to please people.

So it will be a big week for ME this week, for taking steps towards a new improved ME. And you are all welcome to come along

OP posts:

TheSitChewAceChien · 22/03/2015 22:54

How ridiculous of him! Imagine him all hunched up, scribbling away on your little hanging ornament. He must have looked a right twat.

Glad you're keeping your appointment with the solicitor.

Original poster

Balders74 · 22/03/2015 23:10

Lol Sit thanks for that image

OP posts:

CharityD · 22/03/2015 23:35

Take care m'dear, it's sh1t, but you know what, you are stronger than that little ornament scribbler will ever be.

TheSitChewAceChien · 23/03/2015 12:03

I have a snide petty Xh, it feels horrible and makes me shake with rage at some of the stuff he's done, but imagining them actually doing it...that's when you know that you're better off out of it!

Binklesback · 23/03/2015 12:12

How did your daughter see it or did you show it her?

however · 23/03/2015 12:16

See it for what it is. Nasty, vindictive, spiteful, juvenile.

Pathetic, coming from a grownup, no?

It's almost laughable.

"Yes I saw it, it sort of made me feel a bit sorry for you."

Norest · 23/03/2015 12:22

Not to psychoanalyse too much, since I agree with everyone saying put all your energy into yourself...but it is pretty interesting that the insults people level at each other are often what they are really thinking about themselves.

The very action of writing that was ugly, he knows he is ugly on the inside. Whilst not always the case, often people massively project.

Agree with everyone who says keep the divorce going, keep your eye on the prize. In terms of dealing with anger I think that actually some kind of physical activity...like kickboxing or going off somewhere quiet in your car and yelling your head off, can work wonders.

Closure I think is something that can't be rushed. it will come, especially if you continue to focus on you and the children, not engaging in his (attempted) headfuckery.

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