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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to expect when DH returns from secret holiday with OW, how to be ready?

63 replies

AppleStruddel · 22/03/2015 00:29

All OP here are so articulate... I don't find words. I feel swept by a tsunami. Myriads of little details that I noticed as odd but wished away now all take a different light and I can't think straight. I spent last few days crying.

DH is returning from business trip, f'#'g with an OW, not even caring to explain why he stays longer than usual.. I am supposed to think he is having 4 weeks long business trip, but I just found out that he paid for a week long holiday during this period and got himself a stock of Viagra. LOL. So stereotypical, exactly like I thought would never happen to me.

I am 52, DH is older. We have 3 DC, two are disabled. I haven't worked for 10 years, caring for them. I am such a ruin, confused and without confidence. Now I recall DH saying he had enough of us all…

And I am not ready. What do I do when he opens the door? I don't have a poker face. I am going to burst into tears and ask him some naive stupid question. I don't want that.
I want to confront him when I am ready and in control, when I know what to do and how.

So, any ‘'I wish I knew’' advice?
What to expect to happen when he returns? How is he likely to behave?
What do I need to do before his return?
Now I have access to all the documents – do I need to secure some? Which ones?
How to distract myself from tears?

OP posts:
Lindor · 22/03/2015 00:34

First of all ((hugs)). I am speechless on your behalf. Hopefully someone wiser will be along shortly x

HerrenaHarridan · 22/03/2015 00:34

Oh love,

How long have you got to process before he's due back?

Do you have a joint account/ your own account?
Savings?

MoustacheofRonSwanson · 22/03/2015 00:35

Oh God AppleStruddel I am so sorry to hear this Flowers

I'm not sure what advice to give but didn't want to read and run.

AlpacaMyBags · 22/03/2015 00:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 22/03/2015 00:40

When is he due back?

hesterton · 22/03/2015 00:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AppleStruddel · 22/03/2015 00:47

Yes, nearly everything is joined and we have mutual access to eachother's everything so far. Until he starts to change that. All money comes from him.
I have only until Monday...

OP posts:
Allalonenow · 22/03/2015 00:49

As a first step, secure your finances, make sure you have got money available in an account that he cannot access.

Take care of yourself, eat, even if you don't feel like it, lots of protein type snacks, eggs, chunks of cheese, and keep your fluids up, though not alcohol if possible. Rest, even if you can't sleep.

Gather paperwork, bank statements, pension details, insurance policies, salary details, NI number. You can find out what benefits you would be entitled to, someone will be along soon who will know how to do that if it's what you want.

Seek the support of close family and friends, take time to decide what you want to happen in your life and your family.

It is just so very painful I know Thanks

EmEyeFaive · 22/03/2015 00:49

Get thee to a solicitor.

I'm more than twenty years on from where you are now. How I reacted at the time is not only hazy, but had no bearing on well equipped I was to cope and come out of the mire in the best position possible. Legal advice on the other hand.... did.

You'll react how you react.

Icy and calm. V In floods and all over the place.

Doesn't matter.

But knowing where you stand before you have to start running on new terrain matters. Lots.

I know it's hard, but set aside the film of how it will be when when he walks in and instead pick up the yellow pages. Or call a mate and get them to help you do it. Becuase what you do now can impact how it goes from here. But only the things you do that matter.

I'm so so sorry. It hurts like a knife.

But it won't forever. That is cold comfort at the moment, but not so long from now the fact that pain recedes, fades and eventually becomes an agedwell healed is going to be worth a lot to you.

And

ifonlywecouldbe1 · 22/03/2015 00:53

This really struck a chord with me my ex husband said he was on a buisness trip I found out he was on holiday with ow but didn't act nearly as reserved as you and rang the hotel got put through to their room and told him I had put everything he owned on the communal car park for our estate and emptied the joint account/savings account as insurance he would leave us with nothing...Oh and have a nice hol!
anyway it felt good for a few min but the feeling didn't last so revenge is clearly not that sweet...
I suggest you collect any important documents...bank statements/proof of any other assets/proof of debts/...anything you think you might need really if this all turns messy and keep them somewhere away from the house..at a friends? or your work?
also any proof of the affair if you have it...I printed off the flight booking that id found after much hacking with her name on
then when he gets home tell him straight that you know this poker face won't work as it's you that will be eaten up keeping their secret!
tell him you know too and you have proof don't ask him whats going on etc he will obviously try and lie or minimise it and that's just an extra kick in the teeth being told what you know it's true isn't
I really hope your ok Thanks

glittertits · 22/03/2015 00:56

I have no advice, but your OP has really struck a chord with me. What a despicable, foul man. Not worthy of you or the kids. Best of luck Thanks

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 22/03/2015 00:59

Just going off the threads I have followed on here:

If you have access to any considerable sums of money in any of those joint accounts I would open a new account online that he couldn't access (not sure if this is possible, sorry if it isn't, find another way) and remove at least 50% of anything I could get my hands on, if we're talking sums that are large enough to provide a means of survival for a couple of months when he then goes nuclear, and instruct the bank(s) to freeze the accounts immediately after.

From the sound of your post at 00:47 you're going to need to extract money without him being part of the process for at least some time before an income can be secured for you with the help of solicitors - if the amounts accessible in the accounts aren't big enough to warrant sending him into nuclear meltdown right from the off and cutting off further access to funds, you might need to be more subtle over a period of time instead. But that might rest on you not giving away that anything is known to you, which might be impossible.

Otherwise, you need to get your hands on records of any and all payslips, savings accounts, shares, etc, and photocopy them and put them somewhere safe.

I would also find someone in real life to tell for moral support ASAP. Anyone who can come over and help with the kids tomorrow while you sort out anything you need to?

Tobyjugg · 22/03/2015 01:01

Copy or secure every financial document you can find (esp. insurance policies and pension details - if he's in a company pension scheme look for statements and/or pension scheme booklet - it'll have contact details about who to go to to get a share of his pension pot. Store them somewhere outside the home - friend's or family's house for example. Make a note of H's NI and tax reference numbers and any other Govt. references he may have (e.g. VAT if he's self employed).

Get some funds of your own he can't touch. If you have a bank account of your own transfer a wodge of cash to that, if not get as much hard cash as you can from a machine and secure it with the financial papers.

See a solicitor first thing Monday.

maras2 · 22/03/2015 01:11

No better advice than already given but wanted to give you a massive hug and wish you well for your and your children's future.Flowers Cake Wine or Brew Mx.

Original poster
AppleStruddel · 22/03/2015 01:24

Thank uou all for your support. Please keep reminding me to copy papers and book the solicitor. There are a few shelves of papers, not huge amount of money though.
I feel so empty, like an old has been woman throuwn in the skip. I 'have been in denial watching rom coms and listening to love songs. LOL. I want to be loved. How pathetic.

OP posts:
Tiptops · 22/03/2015 01:29

You are not pathetic! You've been sideswiped by a massive shock from the one person who should be trustworthy and reliable. Please be kind to yourself and take good care of yourself too. It seems impossible now but you will find a way through this with your children and be happy again in the future.

I have no practical advice as no experience of this, but is there someone who could support you offline today and tomorrow?

Allalonenow · 22/03/2015 01:29

Try to get some rest now Apple Sunday and Monday will be very long days. (Are you in the UK?).
Brew Cake

EmEyeFaive · 22/03/2015 01:38

You aren't pathetic love. If somebody came and punched you in the face you wouldn't hold it against yourself becuase you felt like you'd been punched in the face and it really really hurt, would you ?

Well I'd rather be punched several times in the face than be hit with the pain of discovey of a secret holiday. And I know of what I speak.

You are not pathetic. You are perfectly normal and are having a perfectly reasonable reaction.

Do you have family or friends nearby who could over and sit with you ? Don't hold back with the telling. Right now is a good time to lean, so don't deprive yourself of that if it is at all possible.

itsveryyou · 22/03/2015 01:39

If you can contact a friend or family member to be with you tomorrow, I think that would be a great idea. Start making lists, gather documents, let them help you by writing stuff down which you might need in the future. Be kind to yourself, don't overwhelm yourself with too many tasks, and just focus on you and DC. Will be thinking of you.

AGnu · 22/03/2015 01:43

Do you have to be in when he gets back? Would it be practical for you & the DC to go stay with family for a few days? You could take any important documents with you & copy them there. It would put the ball back in your court but could be tricky getting him out of the house in the long run.

candyce83 · 22/03/2015 02:49

Flowers God I really feel for you right now. I guess he has shown his true colours. This will be a long road ahead of you but rest assured, you will come out so much stronger. You just have to wade through the mire a bit first. Surround yourself with friends and loved ones, you don't have to go through this alone! Take control of the situation and speak to a solicitor. It may be the only thing you feel you have much control over at the minute but its something!

Fairenuff · 22/03/2015 12:26

OP it might not make a difference to the outcome but he might not have been with another woman. At least, not a particular woman. You have said that he booked a weeks holiday to stay in the location and that he took viagra. Is there more to this that makes you think there is an ow?

You will feel overwhelmed at the moment but keep posting. We can help you, we can advise you and talk with you. Take it one step at a time. Is there anyone in rl that you can tell about this?

Original poster
AppleStruddel · 22/03/2015 17:57

Well, I do not have a definite proof. Should I? Like, leaving children with neighbours and stocking him at the entrance of his hotel? Following him?

Isn't that ridiculous?.. but maybe needed to get clarity?

I thought of doing that, I also though of puting a suitable pan close to the door, to bang on his head when he comes in... but I abandoned these plans for the moment.Grin

I asked him why he was staying longer than planned. He was lost for words, became angry. He could have lied that there was an important meeting coming up. I would have believed him. But he didn't. He didn't care to lies, and didn't care to give a convincing answer.

It was a mistake on my part, now he knows I am sespecious.

So how do I establish facts?

OP posts:
NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 22/03/2015 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AppleStruddel · 22/03/2015 18:04

3, 7, 14...

OP posts: