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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to expect when DH returns from secret holiday with OW, how to be ready?

63 replies

AppleStruddel · 22/03/2015 00:29

All OP here are so articulate... I don't find words. I feel swept by a tsunami. Myriads of little details that I noticed as odd but wished away now all take a different light and I can't think straight. I spent last few days crying.

DH is returning from business trip, f'#'g with an OW, not even caring to explain why he stays longer than usual.. I am supposed to think he is having 4 weeks long business trip, but I just found out that he paid for a week long holiday during this period and got himself a stock of Viagra. LOL. So stereotypical, exactly like I thought would never happen to me.

I am 52, DH is older. We have 3 DC, two are disabled. I haven't worked for 10 years, caring for them. I am such a ruin, confused and without confidence. Now I recall DH saying he had enough of us all…

And I am not ready. What do I do when he opens the door? I don't have a poker face. I am going to burst into tears and ask him some naive stupid question. I don't want that.
I want to confront him when I am ready and in control, when I know what to do and how.

So, any ‘'I wish I knew’' advice?
What to expect to happen when he returns? How is he likely to behave?
What do I need to do before his return?
Now I have access to all the documents – do I need to secure some? Which ones?
How to distract myself from tears?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 22/03/2015 18:12

Do you mean he's due back on the 30th?

Original poster
AppleStruddel · 22/03/2015 18:15

23

OP posts:
Vivacia · 22/03/2015 18:19

Tomorrow then, so not much time for lawyers and banks. Ok, I would have two aims for tonight and tomorrow.

One, secure finances. Put as much money as I could in to an account only I could access and freeze joint accounts.
Two, prepare to block him from entering the house and letting him know he wasn't to come in.

ImperialBlether · 22/03/2015 18:22

What a pig he is. Having an affair is bad enough but having a holiday with the OW while you care for the children is just appalling.

Do you know who this woman is?

What was it he said to you, when you asked why he was staying for longer than necessary? And how did you find out about the Viagra?

It sounds as though he's checked out of the relationship, I'm afraid. All you can do now is to protect yourself financially. Make an appointment with a solicitor first thing tomorrow morning.

I wouldn't look for a job until it's all done and dusted. His child support payments are not affected by you earning.

Original poster
AppleStruddel · 22/03/2015 18:28

I could tell him not to fly back, he has a place to stay over there. But there is a point of talking face to face. I guess I didn't reach the threshold where I don't let him in.

Actually if this were to happen, can he enter with the police, like he has the right to shelter here, or what?

Or do you mean I should expect him to be violent and physically limit my possibilities?

OP posts:
popalot · 22/03/2015 18:30

what vivacia said. Change locks first thing tomorrow am. Get your money out of the bank account. Don't tell him a thing until he rings you asking why he can't get in.

Original poster
AppleStruddel · 22/03/2015 18:36

I found Viagra carton boxes in the recycling, 5 of them. LOL.
I was encouraging him to get Viagra, to deal with the issues of his depression and us as a couple at several occasions over a long period of time. He flatly refused to discuss this, literally turning his back on me. I was hurt, but he was depressed. Now he recovered quite well. He is obviousely motivated to get it, and he is not using it with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
AppleStruddel · 22/03/2015 18:39

Do you mean I should expect him to be violent and to be physical in preventing me from doing what I have to do?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 22/03/2015 18:41

I guess I didn't reach the threshold where I don't let him in.

I guessed that too, so I thought you needed to know it was an option. It's what I would do. And yes, he has a legal right to enter, and I'd let him get the police and enforce that legal right.

Vivacia · 22/03/2015 18:43

Do you mean I should expect him to be violent and to be physical in preventing me from doing what I have to do?

Do you expect him to be violent? What do you mean by "doing what you have to do?".

Original poster
AppleStruddel · 22/03/2015 18:45

That would enflame and explode it out of control. I want a controlled process.

OP posts:
Christinayang1 · 22/03/2015 18:47

Apple I'm sorry this is awful however you need to be prepared

When the dcs go to bed tonight gather all the paperwork that you can and keep passports etc that you may need for documentation

If you can move money

Pack a suitcase and leave it at front door then he has no excuse to get it, of you an also get some evidence re him a ow then that would be good

Vivacia · 22/03/2015 18:48

That would enflame and explode it out of control.

Has he ever been aggressive in the past? If someone is aggressive and makes you fearful you get yourself safe and call the police.

I want a controlled process.

What other options do you have?
B) Go somewhere yourself.
C) Let him come back, don't say a thing and pretend everything is ok. If you can.
D) Let him come back, tell him and live a fucking misery.

HellKitty · 22/03/2015 18:48

I think you need your ducks in a row before you confront him. Proof, solicitor advice, copies of everything and money secured.

Original poster
AppleStruddel · 22/03/2015 18:49

I don't know what to expect. Really.

What is he thinking now? What is his plan?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 22/03/2015 18:51

What is he thinking now? What is his plan?

I think that this is a very common reaction. But what's really, really important is to start focusing on what you want, what you think and what your plan is.

Viviennemary · 22/03/2015 18:52

You could take the calm approach and say I think we need to talk about your adultery. I believe it is grounds for divorce. And see what he says to that. Or you could bundle his stuff into bin bags and leave them outside. I think I'd go for the first option if you are sure he has been unfaithful.

Original poster
AppleStruddel · 22/03/2015 19:02

I am with HellKitty. you need your ducks in a row before you confront him. Proof, solicitor advice, copies of everything and money secured.

However I have doubts whether I can hold my nerve when he is here. I might. How to help myself to keep cool head and not burst in emotion?

He'll be gone again in a week or two, and then I can be really ready and I could tell him not to come back.

I don't think I'll have proof and solicitor advice in the next day. I will need to travel in a week or two to get that proof... I am sure I am not going anywhere. He is. Or this is actually a matter I need advice on.

I don't really expect him to be violent, but it is a new situation. He could be thretening when his mental health is in really bad shape, but he never hurt anyone. He is not supposed to be depressed now.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/03/2015 19:14

I'm very sorry to read your post, Apple, it's a nightmare for you, really it is.

However if he's coming back tomorrow and you don't think you'll maintain a façade until he goes away again, you'll need a plan. Posters have already told you what you need to do, you don't have much time. Ring a solicitor tomorrow and focus on you.

At the moment, you are far too focused on him, what he needs and what he will do. None of that is relevant right now.

Focus; you have to get your mind on the immediate issue at hand. Can you cope with him at home or can you not? If not, get his stuff packed and put it outside and hope that he will be shamed into staying away. However, if you need some help with the children then plan what you'll do there - if he is going to look after them, where will you go? Solicitor would be a good plan - first half hour is free.

I know you're in shock but you need to make some decisions about what you want now.

BabyOnBoob · 22/03/2015 19:14

Just read the thread, I'm so sorry you're going through this. What a complete bastard.
You sound like a strong person Flowers

Vivacia · 22/03/2015 19:23

You don't need any proof. Don't waste time and emotion on seeking it.

Pinkballoon · 22/03/2015 21:01

Be out when he returns - to burst his bubble. He'll be expecting a showdown probably - so don't give it to him. And in the meantime, make sure you've got hold of every significant piece of paperwork and moved it to a friend's house. And taken your share of money out of any bank account and moved it to an account in your sole name.

Wenglish · 22/03/2015 21:15

I

Original poster
AppleStruddel · 23/03/2015 00:19

Scared having read some other threads in here. Divorse is a nasty business, I know... Once war is declared, all tactics are good.

In terms of being ready, what nasty tactics to to expect?

How to pre-empt / deal with stuff about being 'bad' mother, threats to take away the children, to be locked out of the house?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 23/03/2015 06:23

You seem very concerned about confrontation and nastiness. I'm not sure if this is because you have reason to believe he's going to aggressive or because you don't like confrontation in general. It might be worth clarifying, I'm not sure.

Either way, this becomes part of your plan and what you want - calmness and no confrontation. So, I would prepare some tactics. Things to say would be, "This isn't working for me any more" or "I need time and space to think about this, I'm not ready to talk about it today". And repeat. If he pushes for an answer you can always say, "Well, if you really need an answer today then the answer is 'no'".

Also get used to the idea that it's ok for you to walk away. It's ok to call the police and ask for advice.