What to expect when DH returns from secret holiday with OW, how to be ready?

[AppleStruddel]

All OP here are so articulate... I don't find words. I feel swept by a tsunami. Myriads of little details that I noticed as odd but wished away now all take a different light and I can't think straight. I spent last few days crying.

DH is returning from business trip, f'#'g with an OW, not even caring to explain why he stays longer than usual.. I am supposed to think he is having 4 weeks long business trip, but I just found out that he paid for a week long holiday during this period and got himself a stock of Viagra. LOL. So stereotypical, exactly like I thought would never happen to me.

I am 52, DH is older. We have 3 DC, two are disabled. I haven't worked for 10 years, caring for them. I am such a ruin, confused and without confidence. Now I recall DH saying he had enough of us all…

And I am not ready. What do I do when he opens the door? I don't have a poker face. I am going to burst into tears and ask him some naive stupid question. I don't want that.
I want to confront him when I am ready and in control, when I know what to do and how.

So, any ‘'I wish I knew’' advice?
What to expect to happen when he returns? How is he likely to behave?
What do I need to do before his return?
Now I have access to all the documents – do I need to secure some? Which ones?
How to distract myself from tears?

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Wenglish and fixedit are you ok? Do you have some advice for OP, or support to offer. Please tell me that you are not so crass as to 'placemark' like that? If so, shame on you.

OP what time do you expect him home? If you can, book an appointment with a solicitor just to see where you stand. Do some research and find out what you would be entitled to financially.

You don't have to make any big decisions just yet. I have to go to work now but will check back with you later.

What a shit head.

Can only agree with the others, get some legal advice, don't forget to eat and speak to someone in rl. He is the one at wrong here, not you, he should be ashamed, not you. Don't let him turn this on you.

Divorce isn't as bad as all that and your solicitors can handle most of it. But you don't need to be thinking that far ahead yet anyway. Other posters have given good advice on getting all the financial records etc sorted out. Your immediate need is to ensure you don't get cut off financially in the short term. So, yes move money into your own accounts and create a financial buffer for yourself so you are not reliant on his goodwill. See a solicitor ASAP. The house, savings, his pension are all likely to be joint assets. Take care and good luck.

Thinking of you this morning Apple.

Okay assuming you have protected yourself as much as you can financially (moved money, frozen accounts).
"Bad" mother - ignore, quite simply if he says this he is lashing out. Expect it will take some of the sting. Maybe make some notes for yourself on how he is a "bad" father: being away a lot (especially if he thinks you are that bad), and lack of respect for the mother of his children for a start.

Threats to take children away - won't they get in the way of his lifestyle/affair? And how much has he looked after them so far?

Him locking you out of the house - if you can't lock him out, then he has no legal right to lock you out. If you are married it is a marital asset so part of the marriage, and the legal home of the children (and you). You can legally make him let you in.
This is why you need a Solicitor and legal advice ASAP.

You don't need proof. It is very hard to prove adultery, and rarely worth it, go for unreasonable behaviour. Going on a holiday during a business trip with a load of Viagara sounds like pretty good "unreasonable" behaviour - he doesn't actually have had to have had an affair - going prepared to have one is "unreasonable".

Sorry I was not place marking I was was in the middle of getting DD ready and trying to type on u phone. What I was trying to say was are you definately sure there is an OW op and have you had more suspicion than what you know so far. What a shit time for you, if you are feeling like you're not wanting to be there when he returns is there somewhere you can go?
Thinking of you today and good

Sorry, good luck and all the best for today.

apple

I hope you are okay today

Apple - I am sending you hugs and strength. I understand that you want this to be controlled, and I think that is a smart strategy. There is no point inflaming the situation, however justified that is by his atrocious and outrageous behaviour.

However, I also think it places a hell of a lot of pressure on you, and that you shouldn't feel bad if you aren't able to execute it perfectly in real life. It's one thing for us all to say 'get your finances and your legal situation sorted' - it's quite another to actually do those things when your head feels like it is full of flies buzzing angrily around. It is, however, great advice and if you are able to do the heroic feat of getting your ducks in a row, it would be fantastic.

One piece of advice that I didn't follow myself, but wish I had, is to tell people who are close to you and who can be trusted - that could be relatives, or friends. I was held back from doing this by a ridiculous and misplaced sense of shame, as if the whole thing was my fault and not exPs. I felt that I didn't want to be pitied, and I also didn't want to have to deal with their sense of shock. Had I confided in people more openly, the whole process of separation would have been much easier for me, and I'd have had much better support in place when it was needed.

Is there any way that you can buy yourself a few more days to prepare by inventing a 'cover story' in order to account for withdrawal/an emotional appearance - for example, that you have a terrible cold and need to be in bed, or that (even better) a friend/relative is very ill and needs you at their bedside (kids in tow)?

Oh, yes, a cover story for being in the state I am. I know what I will say. Thanks so much, Shove, and everyone, please continue sharing your thoughts. I am listening. I am not very creative myself right now.

If he walks in smirking and like a dog with two tails, be as serene as you possibly can. He may be in no mood for confrontation at all. If he thinks you are in the dark and clueless does it matter? You gain more time to get things sorted.

Bad mother yet happily leaves you in charge, oh I see. Remember he will see the children as your weak spot. That is the sort of ludicrous thing a man who knows he is behaving badly flings at his wife to save face. If he thinks you are dull or boring he will under-estimate you. Meanwhile you are quietly fact-finding and getting clued up.

If he raises the question why did you ask him the reason for extending the business trip, fob him off with something like, as he's been depressed you were worried he might be struggling and putting a brave face on it while trying to deliver what was expected of him. I know, nauseating - but plausible that you're concerned for him.

Hi, OP. I'm so sorry this has happened to you and I understand how you might be feeling. Right at the beginning you wrote about feeling yourself swept along in a tsunami, but now I think you must take control now of your own decisions, because like it or not your DH is not going to be thinking of you or your DCs or he wouldn't be playing away.

All the advice other posters have made about paperwork are really important for you now, and its a great idea to keep it all somewhere 'off-premesis' so it can't be interfered with. If it was me, I too would pack his bags, put them outside and change the locks. This is for you and your peace of mind and makes it more difficult for him to bully you.

You could leave it a week, as you mentioned, but that is going to put you through a truly horrible time trying to keep a lid on it before he goes away again. On the other hand, if he's returning today it doesn't give you much time to safeguard yourself. How about having a friend or family member to stay for the week? Just to buy yourself some time, etc. and then you could get the locks done/see solicitor/transfer money while he is away.

Good luck for today, you are strong - we know that because of the kind of mother you are.