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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband's birthday plans that don't include me

54 replies

JaynewithaY · 21/03/2015 17:53

DH and I both celebrate our birthdays within a couple of weeks of each other and this year is a big birthday. We haven't made any plans yet, but I was thinking along the lines of something joint, we could invite some friends and family to that will also include DS, maybe a couple of meals out. By way of background, DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 8 and have a DS who's 1 (and gorgeous!).

I found out the other day that DH has contacted 3, what I'd consider to be mutual, friends (some via their wives) to ask what they would prefer to do to celebrate his birthday. He's given them 3 options, 1 is abroad and the other 2 are days out a significant distance away and taking into account they will be boozy, will probably involve at least 1 overnight.

The issue? DH hasn't told me any of this. He has come up with these ideas, contacted the friends for their opinions and not said a word. I don't know whether he assumed nobody would mention it to me or was waiting to text me once he was on the plane or coach. It's been around a week since I found out, so he has had time to mention it. I haven't told him that I know yet. Would this annoy you or would you just let it go and see whether these plans come off?

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 21/03/2015 17:54

Are you sure it's not a surprise for you?

glittertits · 21/03/2015 17:55

Why haven't you brought up birthdays? He's just floated an idea with his mates, he can't read your mind.

You are actually separate people, so I don't see a problem with doing separate events for each birthday either.

Theres no point sitting and waiting for him. Ask him. You know, talk to your husband? Bring it up, and you both can discuss, decide and make plans. Like grown ups.

gamerchick · 21/03/2015 17:57

A week! I couldn't have kept my trap shut that long.

Maybe ask what his plans are for his birthday? Maybe he's planning on both joint and single as a win win.

RandomMess · 21/03/2015 17:58

I would be upset if my dh was floating the idea of going away for a non-work thing without having discussed it with me, regardless whether it was for a birthday or not.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 21/03/2015 18:01

Have you actually spoken about your plans to him? Maybe if you do it will prompt him to say 'oh yes I've asked x if they want to do x'. I can imagine me asking my friends if they want to do something for my birthday and then just not thinking to mention it until DH brought it up.

SolidGoldBrass · 21/03/2015 18:03

Are these trips things that you would enjoy, or stuff that he likes and you hate? Because if it's something like a gig by a band you loathe, or scuba diving or something, then he wants to celebrate his birthday doing something that he likes.
If it's a trip that you would enjoy then it might well be that he is planning to surprise you.

glittertits · 21/03/2015 18:04

Really Random? I'd be upset if DH booked something without discussing it with me, but a 'we should do this' conversation in a pub, or the phone off the cuff with no concrete plans?

Can't get worked up about that.

I doubt very much the OP's husband has made actual plans without discussing with her.

Vivacia · 21/03/2015 18:04

This would be so out of character for my DP, I can't really imagine it.

How unusual is this for him?

Sc00bydO · 21/03/2015 18:18

OP, given his previous history you only posted about recently, I'm a bit Confused as to why you're so surprised!
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2321310-Am-I-over-reacting-to-what-DH-did

JaynewithaY · 21/03/2015 18:18

The proposed plans are very much 'time with the boys' things, I'm definitely not included or invited and it'd definitely not a surprise for me.

I only haven't said anything about what we might do for our birthdays as it is a few months away yet and it didn't occur to me that he'd be doing his own thing.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against him having his own plans with his friends, we aren't joined at the hip and I don't stop him going where he wants or doing what he wants. I'm also fine with him doing something with his friends and something with me and DS later on.

I'm just a little disappointed he's making these plans, that involve him being away from me and DS for a few days and thought I deserved the consideration of having it mentioned to me, before he went discussing it with these friends and their wives. Tbh I also feel a bit foolish that it appears I'm the last to know and as far as DH is concerned, I still don't know. But in saying that I wanted honest opinions on whether it's something that would bother you or not.

OP posts:
keepsmiling2015 · 21/03/2015 18:22

He might just be seeing if the friends would be interested before he says anything. He hasn't actually booked it. Why not just ask him outright. I would. Are you trying to trick him? - 'let's see how it plays out'

Vivacia · 21/03/2015 18:22

Oh god it's him.

JaynewithaY · 21/03/2015 18:23

I know Sc00bydO (sorry I don't know how to do bold yet), I thought I'd ask without a link to my other post to see if the opinions would differ.

The truth is nothing much has changed and he's still going places without telling me, think meeting up with people to do a new hobby and telling me he's in work.

OP posts:
JaynewithaY · 21/03/2015 18:24

Lol Vivacia, it isn't unusual at all!

OP posts:
GotToBeInItToWinIt · 21/03/2015 18:24

No, if my DH spoke generally with his friends about plans for a birthday months in advance without telling me first it wouldn't bother me. However it seems like you have other issues.

JaynewithaY · 21/03/2015 18:26

Maybe I should just mention it. I'm not intentionally trying to trick him, I just wanted to see if he'd mention it to me. I hoped he would.

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 21/03/2015 18:26

I've read your other threads. This is the least of your worries frankly.

Horsemad · 21/03/2015 18:27

I'd pre-empt him and suggest an activity for the date(s) he's planning on these days out! Watch him squirm and have to tell you he's already made plans that don't include you...

FenellaFellorick · 21/03/2015 18:30

While you're waiting, time is ticking and he's firming up plans.

Just tell him that you'd like to do something joint this year since it's a 'big' birthday for both of you and does he have any ideas?

FenellaFellorick · 21/03/2015 18:31

oh. ok. That makes sense. I was wondering why he was being a cock but I remember the other thread.

JaynewithaY · 21/03/2015 18:36

I'm tempted by surprising him with something for the same weekend lol.

The advice seems to be that I need to put my big girl pants on, tell him I know and not get worked up about something that isn't actually booked yet?

OP posts:
Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 21/03/2015 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vivacia · 21/03/2015 18:46

I'm tempted by surprising him with something for the same weekend lol.

Playing games and laying traps do not make a healthy relationship.

tribpot · 21/03/2015 19:12

This is the guy who left you with no keys and no phone battery outside your own house. As a 'prank'. So considerate or respectful behaviour is not really his MO is it?

I suspect if you 'surprise' him with something for the same weekend he'll tell you he already has plans. Like when he tells you he's working then posts on Facebook that he's out with his mates.

spad · 21/03/2015 19:27

Yeah, definitely go with the moving out party idea.

You can't let your child see you be treated that way. Tell him you hope he enjoys his birthday and celebrate your birthday with people who actually care about you.

I am sorry but he sounds horrible.