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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband's birthday plans that don't include me

54 replies

JaynewithaY · 21/03/2015 17:53

DH and I both celebrate our birthdays within a couple of weeks of each other and this year is a big birthday. We haven't made any plans yet, but I was thinking along the lines of something joint, we could invite some friends and family to that will also include DS, maybe a couple of meals out. By way of background, DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 8 and have a DS who's 1 (and gorgeous!).

I found out the other day that DH has contacted 3, what I'd consider to be mutual, friends (some via their wives) to ask what they would prefer to do to celebrate his birthday. He's given them 3 options, 1 is abroad and the other 2 are days out a significant distance away and taking into account they will be boozy, will probably involve at least 1 overnight.

The issue? DH hasn't told me any of this. He has come up with these ideas, contacted the friends for their opinions and not said a word. I don't know whether he assumed nobody would mention it to me or was waiting to text me once he was on the plane or coach. It's been around a week since I found out, so he has had time to mention it. I haven't told him that I know yet. Would this annoy you or would you just let it go and see whether these plans come off?

OP posts:

Jux · 21/03/2015 19:35

He does sound truly awful. The lies would kill any kind feelings I had for him.

loveyoutothemoon · 21/03/2015 20:01

Personally I think you've over reacted both times and I get the feeling that you probably nag him a lot. Why not communicate with him rather than getting a bee in your bonnet?!

HappySunflower · 21/03/2015 20:09

Oh my. I think he'd be under the patio by now if I was married to him!

paxtecum · 21/03/2015 20:19

Loveyotothemoon: would you really be happy with ' yeh, big birthday this year, I'm off on a pissup abroad with mates for a few days, sod the wife and kids'

Op: y ou are married to a knob head.

Inertia · 21/03/2015 20:27

Given your other threads, I would be making life plans which didn't include him.

MrsPnut · 21/03/2015 20:29

It sounds like he's an immature knob. Do you want your son growing up to think it's ok to behave this way?

loveyoutothemoon · 21/03/2015 20:45

paxtecum if the OP trusts her DH what is wrong with him going on a boozy/abroad holiday for his special birthday? Doesn't mean that he doesn't want to do something to celebrate with her and son aswell. But she's not discussed it with him. Instead she's decided to rant on here. Communication problems spring to mind. I'd understand OP if it was because of money issues but you haven't mentioned that.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 21/03/2015 20:48

He's just a horrible partner isn't he?

jasper · 21/03/2015 21:03

talk to him

TheSingingMonkey · 21/03/2015 21:19

From reading your other thread he sounds like a dick.

It's just another thing for him to lie about, of course he isn't going to tell you. Why do you put up with it?

RandomMess · 21/03/2015 21:21

glittertits - if my dh was emailing people, or texting/phoning making enquiries (ie not had a few drinks and it came up in conversation) about going away for a week on a holiday spending our money and leaving me to look after the dc etc. without speaking to me first I would be very hurt because it would tell me that he didn't consider it "our" money or that the dc weren't "our" responsibility. His money and the dc my responsibility.

TBH my dh and I "check" stuff with each other - I've nearly always said yes. He went away for a weekend for his hobby when my 4th dc was a new born - around 10 days old, the others were 24 months, just 3 years and 8 years. So I don't see him going away as a big deal I just expect to be asked if it would work for first!

Joysmum · 21/03/2015 22:33

I'd go fucking ape! Not that he'd want to go away with the boys, but at the assumption I'd be staying in and looking after the child whilst it happened with no thoughts for if I might want plans of my own. Also that domething do exciting isn't being shared and talked about, it's big news and is want us to share in that excitement together if one of us were to be going away.

Allalonenow · 22/03/2015 00:04

So, now you know that he is an habitual liar by omission, how will you ever trust a single word he says to you in the future?

If mutual trust, and its close partner respect, are important to you, you are in a very uncomfortable place right now.

KikiShack · 22/03/2015 00:13

I'd also be seriously unimpressed if my DP was planning a boys' trip away for his big birthday without me and hadn't even mentioned it to me and asked out of courtesy if I'd be ok looking after our 1 year old. Who the hell does he think he is to just assume that's an ok thing to do?
Reverse the genders- would it be fine and reasonable for a mother of a 1 yr old to be making plans to go abroad for a boozey piss-up with some girlfriends without checking if the father would mind looking after their baby?
My DP was asked to be best man twice since we've had our DD and both times he's organised the stag. It was bloody obvious to me that he'd be attending and therefore would be away for a couple of days each time. Yet before booking anything he checked dates with me and asked if I minded him going away and has offered me time alone to relax both the weekend before he went and the weekend after. This is because he's a decent human who doesn't take me for granted.
OP IMO you don't need to get your big girl pants on and get over it, you need to get your big girl pants on and start some difficult conversations with your 'D'H because he sounds like an arse.

SolidGoldBrass · 22/03/2015 12:06

Having read the other thread, I agree that OP should be planning her moving out party. This man is thoroughly nasty, manipulative and abusive. He gets off on humliating, decieving, upsetting and frightening OP. He will soon extend this behaviour to the DC if he hasn't already (perhaps it's not enough fun to frustrate, scare or otherwise distress a baby because they cry a lot anyway.)
It's about power and control, about being the clever, special person who can not only get away with everything he wants to do, but can rub other people's noses in it as well and keep them in a permant state of anxiety, desperate to second-guess him as to what's going to happen next.
Jayne, he's a serious danger to both your mental health and that of your DC.

loveyoutothemoon · 22/03/2015 13:54

allalonenow he hasn't lied! Just hasn't discussed it with her yet!

FryOneFatManic · 22/03/2015 14:14

loveyoutothemoon

Discussion implies two-way conversation to talk about options. From what I'm reading, there will be no discussion, just an announcement by the 'D'H about his plans.

loveyoutothemoon · 22/03/2015 14:31

Exactly! Which is why she needs to be talking to him. Sounds like a case of casually asking his friends what they thought, doesn't neccessarily mean he's not considering OP. OP why haven't you discussed your options with your DH? Sounds like he's just a little step ahead of you, afterall it is a special one.

loveyoutothemoon · 22/03/2015 14:34

paxtecum he hasn't said this and OP hasn't asked him about it all.

loveyoutothemoon · 22/03/2015 14:38

Maybe DH has done this as OP hasn't shown any interest yet/planned anything?!

Jux · 22/03/2015 16:36

If you both had 'big' birthdays coming up, within a couple of months of each other, would you really think "oh, my dp/dh/dw hasn't said anything about it yet, so presumably she isn't interested so I'll just organise mine with my mates. No, I don't need to mention it to her, as she hasn't shown any interest...".

I suspect you'd just do the normal thing of mentioning it yourself. It's not solely down to your partner to bring it up, you can do it too. If you're a grown up and committed to the relationship and the family. Of course, if you're not.......

RubbishMantra · 22/03/2015 20:21

But OP's bloke has asked their friends what they'd like to do, not her!

I also think this a cruel PA stunt. They're mutual friends, so he knew you would find out that he'd discussed his birthday plans that don't include you.

I'd be hurt. And wonder why I was still married to such an arse.

Viviennemary · 22/03/2015 20:26

He should have floated the idea past you first. That is said he was thinking about a weekend away with friends or similar. I think it is a bit strange for married couples to celebrate their birthdays with friends rather than with each other. Surprise him with a letter from a solicitor seeking a divorce. He's out of order.

AnyFucker · 22/03/2015 21:28

Anybody answering just the premise of this thread need to know there is a massive back story of similar acts of exclusion and cruel mind games towards the op

op, posting every single disrespectful act towards you as a separate incident is not going to get you the correct comprehensive advice

this man hates you and is enjoying seeing how far he can demonstrate that before you crack...accept it and act accordingly

Mom2K · 22/03/2015 23:20

Based on this incident alone, I'd be very angry. A trip away, leaving me home with the DC is something to be discussed with me first to find out if it's even ok...before getting a bunch of guys and their wives on board with the idea.

So what's he going to say if you have a problem with the trip? "yes but my mates have already been told and we're all looking forward to it, come on, don't ruin this for us." It's bull and a really disrespectful way to go about it. You should be the first person he communicates with about things like this.

Based on your other thread that is linked here. Oh OP - your DH is a selfish idiot. I don't know how you can stand him or why you'd want to stay with him.

I think you'd be happier on your own

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