Lies - what do I do?

[notthisagain1]

Hi all
I need to post about something I found out today but am a bit worried that my h might come across this thread if he googles some of the pertinent words I am going to use. I know there is the other place but I think the traffic is better and more relationships orientated here, and I really need as many opinions as possible!
Silly question, but if I mention the name of a website - will this thread come up when people are googling the actual website?

Yes I can feel my heart palpitating. I did go up to the attic. Not to ask him about the Chinese restaurant but to ask him what was going on and for him to tell me what he wants and that we could action it together (thinking if he says he wants the marriage to end). He didn't answer for ages so I said his name. He then aggressively told me to go away and that he was busy. I said that I then had to assume that he wants to end things and that I was going to have a cup of tea with my neighbour (which is where I am now)
.

sod what he wants - time you took control and told him you won't tolerate his lies and disrespect? I agree that you should end things - you deserve much better.

Look love, this can spin out for another few years

You get more neurotic, jerked around, snarled at and gaslighted

he stashes money and property away where you can't get what is due to you

or...you can engage a professional to sort all this out for you

nobody is going to "move in" to tell you what to do...you have to find it within yourself

it's really not a reason to not engage a solicitor because the one you knew is on maternity leave...time to stop making excuses to keep the status quo

and forget about "chinese lunches"...he is winding you up, and you are falling for it

Well my asking him what he wants was my way into the conversation. Though it's true that if he were to come clean and apologise and suddenly start treating me as an equal partner and be affectionate I would have something to work with. That's a lot of ands.

I guess what has happened is that his lie having been exposed and his ego being narcissistic and fragile, he is incapable of speaking openly to me lest his house of cards come crashing down. The only thing he can do is to shout at me to go away. Like a tantrumming child who has been found out for something / told off.

Looked at that thread where people are talking about how long they had to live in the same house as their stbxhs and OH MY GOD. The longest was 18 months and they were still there as their h was being so uncooperative. People had had breakdowns and they all said it was the worst time of their lives.

The advice is to stay in the home but I already feel totally shit now and nothing has really happened as yet. Don't think I could withstand months of cold war / hatred.

Which isn't to say that I don't have to do it as this is no life.

Am now paranoid that h went to see a solicitor with his over the fence friend yesterday to arrange his name being put on the deeds to the house . I didn't hear anything to suggest that - just that he was meeting his person on the phone somewhere and that they were going to "the chinese" while in that area. But the suspicious me is projecting that they went to see a solicitor together . What would happen if, for argument's sake, he had just added someone to the deeds and I register my interest just after that has happened?

Have emailed the same solicitor back to ask if she can ask a colleague of hers to phone me.

It's not that I want someone to move in to tell me what to do but that they could alleviate the awful atmosphere be a friendly adult to talk to. H also wouldn't be able to go off on one with somebody else around.

and be a friendly adult

and forget about "chinese lunches"...he is winding you up, and you are falling for it

I know what you mean AF and my friend was saying the same thing (actually she said he was behaving like Celia Imrie on the phone in "Acorn Antiques" - I hadn't seen it but she (my friend) imitated someone talking in an over exaggerated manner on the phone and it was very funny).

However I think he really was going to meet someone so how is that winding me up? Genuine question. Cannot stop obsessing about this now as am wondering if more of a hidden life us coming out? Him saying the Chinese in that way would imply (maybe) that he has been there before yet he has never mentioned it to me.

Aaargh .

Take some control over this situation, stop sitting and wondering what he is doing and instead start to sort your own future

Book an apt with a solicitor today, start gathering a paper trail

The point is, that you have got to the stage when even going for a chinese takeaway with his plumber, or any other person to discuss a job or a project is becoming something of you to worry over... obviously it could be anyone or no one.
To be honest, why would he put a friend on the deeds, of any of his projects? it means that he is giving half to him, in exchange for half the value I assume ?... if he is that much in financial strife then whatever is going on you should find out asap. alternatively, I doubt he would just share his property with a friend because he was a mate !
Please get a appointment pronto with ANY family solicitor, & talk this through.
do not omit the nitty gritty emotional abuse details
did you ever look at the WA questionnaire on line?
Basically it sounds like he has controlled you for so long, that you are like a church mouse.
Remember you are not only a living thinking intelligent individual, but your kids are COMPLETELY aware of this behavior in their home, & it is NOT a role model that they should be learning, neither yours, nor his.
female tiptoeing around aggressive dominant bully.
Please find the anger that is inside you, rather than the fear, & Fight. if you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for your kids.

Good post Mix

The transferring into someone else's name would be temporary. Anyway I really do need to send of the registering my interest form and am just building up the courage to do it.

I couldn't find the questionnaire on the WA website.

Have again not done a great deal. H again all day up in the attic working and on the phone which makes me wonder what he is sorting out / planning.

I have terrible butterflies in my stomach all the time and feel unable to function. What do I do? It's awful.

did you make an appointment with solicitor ?

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310004

Thanks for the questionnaire.

Not no appointment yet. I was waiting for a phonecall from someone as the maternity leave solicitor said she would get someone to call me, but that hasn't happened yet. I will phone them myself.

I slept really badly and just want to go somewhere else to sleep.

I can't believe I am in this situation.

OK. take a deep breath.
From what I have understood, it sounds like your relationship works around your marriage goes through phases of OK, to really bad ?
He is aggressive, dominates, won't speak to you, holds the purse strings, keeps finances under cover. is a controlling bastard
How are the children ? does he have a relationship with them ? Do they like him ? (this is a real question) You said the oldest might choose to stay with him if you separated ? remember all adolescents are contrary anyway, & even if he said he wanted to stay with the father, he probably doesn't !)

Please understand, whether H likes it, or not. You own half of all the kit...
so IF you decide that your own life is worth the breath you say "life" with, Believe, whether he goes ballistic or not, you CAN LEAVE, or tell him he is moving out ! Yes you own 50%, you have been an integral essential element in the family. You have a status.

You are primary carer, this will be considered in a divorce & typically you get custody of the kids.
He has to give you half of the family wealth, Yes you may end up in rented accommodation. you may have to go back to work, but YOU WILL LIVE AGAIN.
Your children will suddenly thrive and the misery will mostly be over.
It can be a long drawn out slog, but YOU WILL SURVIVE IT

sorry, bit of a mess at the beginning .....

Thank you mix56 for your long message.

My dc are ok. He does have a relationship with them but I would say that the younger 2 girls are closer to him. My ds has come up against his temper before and is warier and more distant (but is also a teenager) but quite chatty in general with him at times iyswim.

There was another massive crisis between h and I (though this crisis is worse) about a year ago and at that time ds said to me he would decide where he lived. It would be to do with the convenience of the location more than anything else because I think he is closer to me.

I am finding the situation in my house very difficult. When h has been blanking me before in the end it has always been me who has got us out of it.

This time, given what I have found out, I can't bring myself to do it. I am looking at h and seeing something I didn't know was there. I feel that his blanking of me is so unfair as he is the one in the wrong. Yet while he works away in the attic (and makes god only knows what plans and arrangements) I find myself doing nothing. As you say all the financial things are out of my hands, and I am not working.

I feel very very hurt as I am questioning a lot of things now. I seem to be unable to function apart from giving the dc food and putting them to bed. There is no way in a month of Sundays that I will be able to live in the same house as h if we go through a divorce.

Might have to start a thread about that in particular.

Thanks for taking the time to write to me.

The problem is that I am not as strong as h and am probably also co-dependent. I really need some help in the form of a family member who cares for me moving in. No one is available however. Could ask my Dad but he is getting more elderly, lives in another country, has just visited, and does not like staying at my house (he stays with my sister when he is here as it is quieter etc).

My whole life has been based around caring for everyone and that has been everything. It now feels as if I am having the rug pulled out from under my feet. I wake up to the same feeling of fear in my stomach and inability to concentrate. I am forced not to talk to h because he is not talking to me. I hate what we are.

(And today the butterflies in my stomach seem to have become an actual pain in my stomach.)

Feel that my job is to repair relationships but that I am being forced into a war that I don't want.

many people in EA relationships end up with anxiety & get put on AD by their GP, when in actual fact, they just need to get free of the catalyst, i.e. the OH.
I have suggested you call Womens Aid, it is confidential, & you have nothing to lose by calling & speaking to someone about your situation, & see what they advise.
Clearly you are not convinced that this is necessary.
I don't know what more to say, from where I sit, you will still need to be caring for your children. so your "job" will not change. Noone is going to remove your children from you if you stand up for yourself, & basically this seems to be the initial problem.
You may however need to redefine yourself & make some changes in your life: like, Move, get a job, have less income, but that is OK. it needs courage, but support is out there if you go looking for it.
You only live once, why would you throw your life away without fighting for it?

You say that you need a family member to move in with you. What you are looking for is support.
I am not a legal expert, or a professional councillor, I have repeatedly suggested you call WA, & start building confidence, & finding an escape from your miserable marriage.

I am out of this thread now

Thank you for all your time and messages. I guess it is really hard for me to let go even though I know that this unequal relationship is not my idea of how a relationship should be.

I agree you seem so resigned as if 'that's it'.
If I were you the very least I would be doing is planning a break at easter to get away. Let him stew for a while. Reading your thread is painful as I am willing you to do the female equivalent of 'growing a pair'!! In all honesty how many people have others who will move in and run there lives? No one i know.

In a nutshell the situation is abhorrent. You won't do anything about it, you are not even prepared to try. Not sure what will happen to you..... I expect when the children are older you will be surplus to requirements. You need to seize the day but I would bet money it's the last thing that will happen.
What a horrible pitiful scrap of a life.....

Excuse spelling errors.