Lies - what do I do?

[notthisagain1]

Hi all
I need to post about something I found out today but am a bit worried that my h might come across this thread if he googles some of the pertinent words I am going to use. I know there is the other place but I think the traffic is better and more relationships orientated here, and I really need as many opinions as possible!
Silly question, but if I mention the name of a website - will this thread come up when people are googling the actual website?

In her own name I mean.

Do you know what, he's just a lying, nasty, controlling twit.

Do you honestly want to spend the rest of your life married to him, knowing that you can never trust him?

If I were you I'd be seeing a good solicitor, getting advice on finding out as much as possible about the finances. I would then be divorcing him.

As someone else said- you are married and entitled to a fair share of all assists, when you divorce.

Collect all the info you can, go get a kick ass solicitor and divorce him and get out of this situation before he sells it all off and hides it everywhere.

Thx for your messages. I looked up noddle and came across this warning about it not really being free:

forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=3515377 (this is from 2011 so things might have changed since then). Will also look up other companies that do credit checks.

Will also look on nethouseprices.com though it is true that the land registry is rarely wrong!

Even if h was lying to keep me out of some loop for my own benefit , in relationship terms it still amounts to lying and not about something small.

Doesn't right move tell you prices of sold properties?

X posted with a few people - the house is now in a man's name. I do wonder whether the shop is occupied and by whom but I don't think so.

No I don't want to spend years and years not trusting. Getting my head round the trauma of separating with 3 dc is very difficult though.

before he sells it all off and hides it everywhere. - yes I do feel insecure. It's not so much that I think he would do this but that he could.

I don't know about rightmove, I didn't think so but will look better.

There is no doubt that the property was sold, the land reg will not be wrong. The question is, what did he do with the money?

As others have already said don't worry about putting your name on the house deeds as you are married you will be protected.

If I were you I would be very careful about giving too much away. You seem to have little knowledge of his financial dealings which means he can do what he wants. Make gathering information about his property holdings a priority before he has chance to dispose of them & hide the proceeds.

I am assuming the money from the house sale went into the mortgage black hole. H is currently working on a property he bought with his brother which they are planning to sell. He has intimated that once that is sold he will no longer have to work / work so hard, not sure which. Of course it depends what price the house is sold for but I don't know if this means just the mortgage would be paid off, or the mortgage and then some.

I would agree he is financially abusive, dishonest and potentially fraudulent. I wonder if anything is actually in your own name for tax reasons, but you don't know about it? You really need to investigate him, and perhaps yourself too. I would also take legal advice.

I also think if he lies about this, what else has he lied about over the years. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him tbh.

Your marriage is a complete shell isn't it? No affection, no honesty, lies, financial abuse, hiding assets, treating you like a skivvy, devaluing your work, it's endless. See a solicitor and get your house in order already.

www.rightmove.co.uk/house-prices.html

Put the postcode into here and it will list the sales in that area. Ours is on there and that was sold 8 years ago.

Apart from being an emotional abuser, the other thoughts that crossed my mind are: Does he have a gambling problem? does he have an OW that he is planning on leaving you for with as much dosh hidden as possible? Is he tax frauding in your name? Or is he basically juggling finances because he is in financial difficulty & doesn't want to own up to you.
Either way, the fact that he is lying & refusing you clear information & explication, would be a big red flag to me.
I would get an appointment asap with a solicitor & forensic accountant.

If he's planning to 'retire' possibly better to get divorce rolling now before his income changes and more of his income is easier to hide? Is his main income thro self employment at mo?

My immediate thoughts were the following:

He is hiding money before he divorces you for OW, or

He knows you might divorce him because he's a twat so he 's hiding money before you do it.

He knows that you are entitled to at least 50% of everything even if it is in his name. It is harder to get 50% of something you don't know exists.

He likes the power of you acting all confused about obvious stuff. He does not own that property. He sold it in 2013. The accountant told you. The Land Registry told you. Yet you question him over and over about it because he says something different. He says the sun is the moon, black is white, hands are feet, and you engage, argue, etc. That's got to make him feel like the Master of the Universe. You'll half believe ANYTHING he says no matter what the evidence to the contrary.

What else does he tell you that's a big bag of made-up?

Use Credit Expert and pay the £2. Experian and CallCredit may have other data on you and are also £2.

If you go for the "free" ones they start charging you 30 days later. We have to get credit reports every 2 years and always pay the £2. Experian will post you the stuff but Credit Expert will let you see it immediately.

We are mortgage brokers, from the info you have given, I can't see what he is doing, but let's just say, what you have written raised sufficient red flags that we would decline his business.

And in answer to the OP, having previously lived with a liar for many years, my advice would be - if he says black, the answer IS white. You should not believe anything he says.

I would not be surprised if he has been gaslighting you on many issues, not just the property.

I wonder if anything is actually in your own name for tax reasons, but you don't know about it?

I don't think h would have done this (though you never know . Also, wouldn't I need to be present to sign for any big thing (like property)? I can see that it would be easier as far as loans are concerned, but still pretty hard?

I also think if he lies about this, what else has he lied about over the years. I completely agree.

Your marriage is a complete shell isn't it? Yes, more or less, it is.

I looked up the postcode on rightmove and the sold price is there.

Have to go out and have a cup of tea with my neighbour now. Had more to write (and the other posts to respond to) but will do it later. H blanking me completely and utterly. Like I am not here at all. I have not spoken to him either as I am not quite sure what there is to say at this point.

Hi

To carry on with the above post:

Does he have a gambling problem? does he have an OW that he is planning on leaving you for with as much dosh hidden as possible? Is he tax frauding in your name? Or is he basically juggling finances because he is in financial difficulty & doesn't want to own up to you.

I don't think he has a gambling problem but he does take risks - in a way it's kind of how he lives his life, while at the same time working hard so in that sense being responsible (though he is also something of a workaholic).
I don't think there is an OW - there don't seem to be any furtive phone calls etc. The recent lies mean that now I have no idea what may or may not have happened with other women during our 19 year relationship as I don't suppose I would ever find out. Would it be possible to tax fraud in my name?

I think the last part - that he might be juggling finances and not wanting me to know about it might be closer to the truth. But I can't get past the lying to my face repeatedly and turning it all on me asking me "what game are you playing" . And no admission. I suppose an admission would turn it all into a reality that had to dealt with. Like this he can pretend, to me (but maybe also to himself ) that none of the deceit has taken place.

Yes he is self-employed.

He knows you might divorce him because he's a twat so he's hiding money before you do it. you gotta love mumsnet for comments like these - what did people do before the internet and support like this where you can have lots of people all responding to your issue anonymously. The number of times I have posted late at night for support when in the past I would have had to talk to one person from the samaritans - one person who may not have been through the same issues.

Anyway I think the twat comment and He knows that you are entitled to at least 50% of everything even if it is in his name. It is harder to get 50% of something you don't know exists. are more likely to be true than the existence of an OW though you never know.

What else does he tell you that's a big bag of made-up? - yes I don't know.

I would not be surprised if he has been gaslighting you on many issues, not just the property. I wouldn't be surprised either now.

I am just getting through this weekend and trying to get rid of the stress from my body, but clearly things are completely not right.

My dc are 9, 11 and 13 and the thought of not being with them all the time if h and I get divorced is very frightening. Also the fact that now the 13 year old would be able to decide to be where he wants to be and might choose to be away from me the majority of the time . It won't be long before the 11 year old can decide too. So I could end up living a lot of my life separately to my dc which is something I can't wrap my head around. That and the trauma of divorce and everything else involved - there are so many issues.

But unless h talks to me about this, apologising (which he never does) and explaining, I can't see how we can stay together.

What does a forensic accountant do?

And even if he does explain and apologise, it is going to be harder to believe stuff he says from now on.

In any case, h already told me what he thinks when he said "do what you like" and "I don't care" or some such thing.

OP, as you don't have access to full financial information you need to wonder where is he getting the money to buy and sell properties? Who is named on the mortgage for those properties? whose name is the insurance in? What assets have those mortgages (or remortgage if he's using them to fund the refurb on another) been taken out against?

somebody as deceitful and money orientated like that will use every loophole/legality/trick to reduce their tax bill/fees etc.....so he could very easily be forging your signature and financial information on mortgage/loans/insurance etc documents. It's very easy to do and has been done many times - unfortunately you don't need to be there in person to sign documents, and if you do he could very easily be using another woman to stand in for you. www.legalmortgage.co.uk/#/mortgage-frauds/4532753412

i don't know exactly how/what he could be doing but some of my relatives have been through something similar, the wives only found out when they received letters accusing them of fraudulently claiming benefits etc (one of them only found out when she split from husband and tried to claim HB). Turns out their husbands had forged their signatures on property deeds and mortgage - together with bank accounts and offshore bank accounts. one even had her name registered as a 'director' of a Ltd company she knew nothing about! Whether it was a random check or an alert had been sounded somewhere, DWP and Inland Revenue went through their records and found that - on paper - these women had property and financial assets exceeding the limit to be eligible for HB/JSA etc, and that they had not been paying the correct amount of tax or NI contributions! They got charged with benefit fraud and tax evasion and it's taken the best part of two years to sort through the mess. They both were sahm to very young children at the time so you can imagine the impact it had on them. Their husbands had women on the side who they used when the physical presence was needed - and for bank withdrawals which is how the police/authorities found the evidence trail and finally believed what the wives were saying. their bank accounts and financial assistance were either frozen or seriously curtailed until it was all sorted and so they were almost completely dependent on their families during that time.

I don't think he has done this as wouldn't post be arriving at our house in my name? Is that me being naive? No but honestly I don't think he would do this.

Similarly I can't see him putting my name against anything as it's all HIS .

The properties have been bought against the existing mortgage or by the extension of it. I don't know if the house we live in has been remortgaged. Also, the sale of the above property in 2013 (which I didn't know about) would have enabled him to buy the retail premises last year (which I also didn't know about) and the renovation project with his brother (which I did know about). So that's it isn't it. As well as any tax motivation he may or may not have had, (and the fact that he had wanted to offload the above property for a long time), he secretly sold a house which I did know about and swapped it for a property I could not easily "get my hands on" as he bought it with his brother, and another which he would never have told me about (the shop) unless I had found out. Our marriage has been through lots of turmoil and especially in the last 2 or 3 years so I suppose that he is intent on protecting himself. He is also very bitter about his first marriage which ended in his loss of the family home. Maybe I am reading too much into his intentions.

What do I do about the awful rejection I am feeling as h ignores me completely? Don't think I could face the complete and utter rejection implied by divorce unless I went no contact and how do you that with 3 dc .

I think I am still in shock over a. The fact that this property was sold almost 2 years ago and b. All the lies h has told in connection to it.

OP, I feel your distress. I can barely imagine the thoughts that must be going through your head, particularly re the children, finances, & how do you survive in the short term...

Forensic accounting is a form of investigative accounting which examines financial records in order to find evidence for a lawsuit or criminal prosecution.

You might consider calling Womens Aid, as although you may only just be beginning to realize it, it sounds as though he is emotionally abusing you, & you can get some very good advice from WA. 1st off you can take a look at their web site & do the questionnaire.

Before you go to battle, if this is the road you decide to take, I suggest you
open a bank account in your name, that H doesn't know of, & get some money into it. send the statements to somewhere safe, or get on line statements, (change all your passwords on computer & phone) any savings that are yours, you move into it. You get as much paperwork as you can find & copy it, tax returns, deeds, pension plans... all & everything, & you give it to someone to keep in a safe place. Get an appointment with a solicitor & find out your rights. once you have got as many facts as possible, including looking on land registry etc. Only then do you confront your husband, & tell him that he needs to explain in detail what the fuck is going on, or just serve him the divorce documents.
Sadly at this point you can wait a few days before making him aware that you know something dodgy is happening & are not taking this all lying down, so best to be one step ahead if things get nasty.

autumn did you divorce the liar you lived with?

What is h hoping to achieve by his total blanking of me and why is he doing it? Also why doesn't he put an end to the marriage if he dislikes me as much as he seems to? Spending hours in the same house as someone while behaving they are not there takes some doing . Am feeling anxious with butterflies in my stomach, sad and hopeless .