i feel so sad that my mum wont support us

[sophiabella]

My partner and i are planning a baby. I miscarried before Christmas and although we are young it has made us realise we would love a baby. We are waiting until the summer whilst we save and my partner recovers from illness. My mum is just so unsupportive and says we are too young n should wait.. We have been together 5years n live together but that doesn't seem to matter to her. Its so upsetting that she cant accept it and support us :( anyone any advice?x

It's nothing to do with your mum.
Just go into it with your eyes open, don't be asking babysitting favours or expecting happy family occasions (though nice if it happens)
If you make the decision it sounds like you are on your own.
Is that ok with you?

I think my response would depend a lot upon your ages. It is not jp to your mum,and she'll likely be supportive once a baby comes along, but if you are 18 I can see her point. Very sorry to hear about your miscarriage though, that is a hard thing to go through at any age.

This is not my business ( and if you are a 35 year old lawyer I'm going to sound ridiculous) but have you worked through the practicalities of parenthood - life insurance/wills/your financial security if things go wrong?

What age are you?

I was 25 when i had my first baby and looking back, i was too young. I don't regret having kids, not one bit, but i wish i'd lived a little more before i did.

Listen to your mother. She is older and (maybe) wiser due to her experience of life.

I had dd1 at 23 and was told I was too young not by my parents though

13 years later I still think it was the right thing for me

yanbu, age is totally irrelevant,I don't understand the obsession of waiting to have children tbh, waiting for what?! If it works for some people that's great but its not for everyone. Whatever your age just make sure you've thought it through.

Listen to your mum, she's trying to protect you.

Your posts sound very young so I'm guessing your 19/20. Despite dating for five years, at that age the odds of the relationship lasting are very low.

Having a child is a huge commitment, unless you have been really lucky it's unlikely you are in stable employment earning enough to support a family or have a stable owned home.

Perhaps this is why your mum thinks it's not a great idea. I'd be advising my children the same thing if they contemplated being a parent so young.

having children is bloody hard work.

you can do it when you are young and have lots of energy but a little less life experience. or wait and get a bit more life experience but potentially less energy.

think about your relationship too. any sign of abuse, then wait and do not have children with him. it really is not worth it.

Possibly if you are this upset by your mother's lack of support, you are too young. I didn't consult my mother before DH and I TTC. Why would I? We're adults and make our own decisions.

Your partner is sick, you don't have the money, you feel you need the support. Maybe you are too young. Maybe the Summer is great timing. Either way, it's really nothing to do with your Mum.

Just go for it. It used to be normal to start having children young.

There is not usually a right time to have a baby.
Don't wait until you are 40 and then have fertility problems.

You mum will probably be the doting grandmother when the baby is born.

Your mother will eventually support you, but listen to your mum. No point having kids early in life. You and your partner may break up for example.

You don't mention if you work or study. Babies are expensive so in my case I definitely wanted to have a stable income and living space before even contemplating it. As well as wanting to live my life before committing to motherhood which is 24/7 for a fair number of years.

You mention your partner is recovering from illness. Could this have a future impact on his earning abilities?

It could be that your mum is seeing the bigger picture here.

Maybe also, she is enjoying her independence now and is not keen to start having to take on a care-taking role of a grandchild yet (if you live nearby and working etc.). She has every right to feel that way.

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage. It's an awful thing to go through. And often accompanied by a feeling of immediately wanting to try again....

I hope it works out for the best for all of you.

How old are you and how are you set up in life?

Some people do fine at 19 and some aren't ready until 30+. It's all down to the person and their situation, really. (Well, within limits. I know someone who had a baby at thirteen and actually didn't do too bad of a job, but I wouldn't go around suggesting it as a good life plan!)

I had my first at 22 and I was definitely too young. I obviously wouldn't change it now as I love my children but I know I found it w lot harder than I would have if I had waited a little. We also struggle financially and we would have less so if we'd had more time to get us sorted and set up in our careers etc. what do you do? Will it work with a baby?

How old are you?

Your DM probably has your best interests at heart. Why is she against your plan? Have you thought through all the practicalities eg work & childcare?

Sophia - I've had to manage without my mum's support a few times when I really could have done with it, and although it makes me less sad now (I've built my own support network), I used to find it really hard.

I think that Cheerful hits the nail on the head - it's less about age and more about how set up you are in life. Are you able to support a baby - and do it without your mother's support, because it doesn't sound as if she's likely to be helpful. Is DP's family close by and supportive? Do you have other people who would rejoice in your baby - godmother, sister, aunt? Not essential, but they will help.

I'm 42. I had ds at 35 and have not been able to have another - ttc for 5 years, eventually IVF. I'm not full of age-regret, but only because DH and I didn't meet until we were 32 and if I'd had dc earlier, it would have been with the wrong person, but I would give quite a lot for a younger body right now!

All of this really depends on how young you are. If you're in your teens, I'd say take a bit more time to grieve after your mc and to get yourself a bit established in life - you have so much time to do this. If you're in your twenties, you're pretty sorted in terms of a safe, baby-friendly place to live, a good job that will give you maternity rights and a dp who can support you for a bit while you can't work, then go for it and find support from people you can rely on. xxx

Whether your mother has a point or not really depends on your age and your personal and financial circumstances. For example you say you live together, but where? In one or other of your parents' homes or do you have your own place and work to pay your own rent? Are you going to be able to continue with that if you have to leave work once the baby is born? Are you both still in education of some sort? Does your boyfriend have a proper job with a regular contracted hours? Is your relationship always happy and stable or is there a history of volatility?

In the end you don't need her permission and it would be nice to have her support but you can't expect it if you are flying in the face of everything that is sensible and responsible.

If she doesn't exude enthusiasm now it's because she's fearful about something. It's hard to stand back and watch your children make mistakes that you want to save them from. I'm sure she will be supportive when she realises that a baby is inevitable, but she just wants to protect you from making your future more difficult and complicated than it needs to be. I think she probably feels that your relationship will eventually run its course as most long term teenaged love affairs usually do, and when it does she wants you to be free to live your life to the full and not be shackled to a child and a hamster wheel of responsibility and financial hardship.

Especially if she had you young herself and ended up on her own. It's tough. She will want better for you.

This may be an old fashioned idea but if you do want to have a baby get married first. If you partner so much as hesitates for a moment then I would doubt his long term commitment and for a woman to have a child without all the legal protection of marriage is pure stupidity unless they happen to be in possession of their own trust fund.
Your mother is no doubt worried about you being left high and dry. If your partner is prepared to be your husband, your mother will probably be much less hostile to the idea

What does your father say?
Maybe her experiences have told her that when a relationship often goes tits up and the woman is left holding the baby, it is poor grandma left making huge sacrifices and picking up the pieces practically, emotionally and financially.
Do you realise the cost of childcare if you both plan to work or study? Hundreds of pounds a month? Where is that money coming from?

Wow thank you everyone for all of your replies, I wasn't expecting so much. It's really helpful to hear all of your concerns and questions.

I am 22 and my partner is 25. We live in a rented property which we pay for ourselves with money we earn and we've been here for two years. I have recently got a new job with better pay, once we realised we really wanted a family it has made me push myself to 'do better' and this job is shifts so some weekend, some evenings etc which will help with childcare as my partner's job is very Monday to Friday. We will also need to look at a nursery too to cover when we both work at the same time.

We have thought about it lots, we just feel like now is the right time. The miscarriage and my partner being ill has made us realise what matters in life. no we won't have the money to buy the most expensive pram or take the baby on lots of exciting days out but we will have the money to buy the essentials and we can provide a lot in terms of love and life lessons.

My Dad died a couple of years ago so I can't really get his opinion but I know it would be very similar to my Mum's because they always pushed my sisters and I to get careers and PhDs and because I took the different approach to that by leaving school at 16 and getting a job they have always been quick to point out that my choices are wrong. they're just different from my sisters' that's all, not wrong but my parents don't see that.

I would hve lots of support from my partner's family, they are wonderful which is great. I suppose I just really wanted my Mum to be behind me. I didn't ask her permission or anything like that but I did tell her that I miscarried and we are going to wait 6 months then try again.

Sorry for the huge essay just wanted to try and cover everyone's questions!!! I appreciate all of your responses as it has helped me think about what we would do xxxx

*typo above and can't find how to edit, I'm 21 x

She will eventually support you, I can just imagine she is trying to look out for you. If you have really thought it through for example can you afford maternity leave, nursery etc then go for it.

My husband and I went the other way for you and waited. We got together aged 19 but waited until after marriage, house bought (and got lots of beer drinking and nice holidays out of our system) and had our first child age 32. That was right for us, but they are things to consider as to whether they are worth waiting for you.

I had my first at 22 and married at 22. I am now at 25 and a single mother to one child. I am not saying you will end up like me because a lot of people don't, but having a child puts such a strain on a relationship...it is such hard work. I am sure you love the idea of having a baby, the best part for me was planning what buggy I was going buy etc.

But like I said, your life will never be the same again. Those lay ins? gone, those nights out? gone. Those holidays you could afford, gone. Being able to just pop out to the shop, gone. Worrying about childcare, arguing over who turn it is to get up with the baby, worrying about child being ill, arguing over who turn it is to feed baby bottle, worrying about money...list goes on and on.

I look back now and wonder why I was such in a rush to have a baby when I had so many fertile years ahead of me. I wouldn't take my daughter back but she has made my life harder. Even If I was still with her father I be saying the same thing now, wait. What is the rush when there is so much fun to have? being free is a wonderful thing and you never really appreciate it till you have that noose around your neck.

A quick practical point: if you've just started your new job, you will only qualify for statutory maternity pay, which is very low and is likely to limit how much time you can take off with your new baby, which you may regret later. How long would it take for you to earn your full entitlement in the new job? This is likely to be even more important if your partner is on reduced sick pay - baby or not, your bills still need paying!

Genuine question - why are you in such a rush? Why don't you want all those things your mum wants for you first ie financial stability, job security, a bit of life experience, travel etc? Plenty of time for a baby in 5 years time if you're still together.