i feel so sad that my mum wont support us

[sophiabella]

My partner and i are planning a baby. I miscarried before Christmas and although we are young it has made us realise we would love a baby. We are waiting until the summer whilst we save and my partner recovers from illness. My mum is just so unsupportive and says we are too young n should wait.. We have been together 5years n live together but that doesn't seem to matter to her. Its so upsetting that she cant accept it and support us :( anyone any advice?x

I'm going to say something different.

I had my son when I was 21 and while our marriage didn't work out in the end, we split up when he was 9 and we continued to co-parent very amicably. Relationships can break up at any age.

There are pros and cons to having children young. Same as there are pros and cons to having them at any age. It used to be very normal, it's only the last few decades that it's become more normal to wait till 30s, and I see just as many difficulties adjusting for that age group. More in some ways, you get set in your ways and used to a certain type of lifestyle, whereas I think when you are young you are more flexible and go with the flow more and don't miss the good income, foreign holidays, 2 nice cars etc etc, because you haven't had them yet. There's also the fact that really working ambitiously on a career is much harder with young children and if you have them in your 30s it hits slap bang in the middle of it all. Have them young, you can relax a bit then come back and really go for it when the kids are at school and you are still only in your 20s.

What is the nature of your partner's illness ?

You may have been working for 6 years but this would make you 15, so hardly working in the usual sense. How long have you had a full time job? And you left home at 15 too?

JeanSeberg - please don't be so judgemental. I was a few days past my 17th birthday when I asked out and started dating a 23 year old. People told us it wouldn't last but we are here nearly 20 years later with 2 secondary school aged children and a happy life.

Having a baby is usually very, very hard on the parents - although not always, but it is usually - and if you or your partner are likely to have health problems, especially in the early stages, I too would advise against trying for a baby until you were both in really good health and more able to cope with the pressures of having a baby. Also, please consider how your relationship works now - is your partner pulling his weight? Will both of you cope with a much more limited social life or will one person end up doing all the caring for baby! housework whilst the other person's life continues largely unaffected? Have you had any big struggles during your relationship? And if so, how have you supported (or not) each other?

You are right - life is too short - so think long and hard before deciding whether you and your partner can cope with bringing a new baby into the relationship.

I had my child at 25 and I feel it is a great age. I never felt I was too young. I can see a parent saying that if you just got out of college/university and they want you to have a career or something first before you start a family.

BUT when I had another child at 35, I was considered advanced maternal age which would mean I have higher risk with a lot of problems (and one problem I did developed and never went back to normal since was high blood pressure..it developed few days after birth. I have to take medications now. I did not have this with my first child at 25)

So ignore your mom and have that baby.

And definitely try again while you are still young because you had a miscarriage. From what I understand, and this happened to a friend of mine, it is harder after 35 to get pregnant. Not impossible but harder

Much depends on what is wrong with your partner (I mean the cause of his ill health).

For some people having a child young makes their life very difficult, for others it can be the making of them.

I guess your mum is concerned about how much help you're going to need and whether you & your partner will stay together.

Do you think counselling may help? Pretty much every post is about trying for a baby since the unplanned baby ended in a mc. Perhaps it's one of the things your mum is worried about.

You also say your job is not great and pretty new, that with an ill partner doesn't add up to the ideal circumstances to conceive in.

You may have done a little work at 15 but realistically you can only have two years in various jobs real experience. It would be wise to get more otherwise how will you afford childcare? If your partner doesn't get better or things go wrong, can you honestly say you can afford all the bills and childcare alone? Saving for baby items is the tip of the iceberg.

Realistically, most decent parents would be against their child dropping out of school to live with an older man and to conceive with no stable job or relationship.

I must be really old fashioned, but don't you fancy getting married first?

I would hazard a guess that most people who have taken the time to reply to you, OP, are mothers. I'd listen to them.

I wanted a baby from a young age. I was an au pair, a mother's help and a nanny so I knew one end of a baby from the other. Oh my goodness was having my own hard work! Even with a very hands in husband it was hard and still is now they are 9, 11 and 14. It's exhausting, relentless, thankless a lot of the time, expensive and so so rewarding. I was 29 when I had my first and it was a good age for me.

You don't just sneeze, there's the baby and it is all rosy. Pregnancy is hard work. Scans can induce worry before hand and then there might be problems. Giving birth can be traumatic. PND could rear it's head. Baby may have additional needs. You need a good solid base to cope with anything that you might get thrown at you.

Get yourself married first. For so many reasons it is a sensible idea.

Why do you need your mums approval and support? What does it really matter what she thinks unless you are expecting any form of childcare. As long as you and your partner can support and care for the child 100% with no practical or financial help from anyone (including me) then go ahead. Maybe your life choices so far including one unplanned pregnancy, lead your mum to think things may not work out as you hope and she will be left with the fallout.

Speaking as a dull parent myself, a lot of the problem is we've been there and we now know the pitfalls of relationships and children. They are a blessing, but they are also really hard work, and, as others have pointed out, the fact your partner is ill at the moment may be worrying her from a ' how will they cope' point of view, rather than just wanting to rain on your ideas. Im sorry she isnt being supportive, maybe its just her way of trying to make you think about it first. I am sorry you had a miscarriage. Read what Rebecca wrote up thread, she puts it better than me..

for you op.

I miscarried an unplanned pregnancy, and I had a very very strong need to get pregnant again as quickly as possible. I would not have listened to all the advice on here, even though i recognise it to be true (we were mid 30s and financially secure but hadn't been together long)

The fact that you are waiting till the summer shows you are sensible. Please do work out your finances in detail, including the real cost of childcare (far more than most people think), be honest with yourselves as to whether your dp's illness has any longer term implications. And be honest with yourself as to whether or not your relationship is secure.

While we didn't get married until after dc1, I do think the suggestions above of at least discussing marriage first are sensible, as it might bring out some honest views about commitment to each other.

Good luck.