i feel so sad that my mum wont support us

[sophiabella]

My partner and i are planning a baby. I miscarried before Christmas and although we are young it has made us realise we would love a baby. We are waiting until the summer whilst we save and my partner recovers from illness. My mum is just so unsupportive and says we are too young n should wait.. We have been together 5years n live together but that doesn't seem to matter to her. Its so upsetting that she cant accept it and support us :( anyone any advice?x

We have looked at maternity and i would get maternity allowance not maternity pay or something as i haven't been in my new job long enough so that is something but my partner would get paternity leave still so the plan was to save now so we can afford for me to have a month or two off and then my partner would take paternity leave n we would share it like that. Its really complicated though i don't understand all the terminology but its good that we can share it.

I'm also a bit at a 20 year old getting together with a 16 year old. It's a massive age gap at that age. I doubt the statistics of you staying together for the long run are looking good.

I have been working for 6years and living away from home for all that time too so its not like ive just left school. We don't feel like we are rushing but that the time is right. Losing my dad and my partner being ill has made us see how precious life is. Yes we will sacrifice things like nights out n Freedom but we can so do that! We already have in a way whilst my partners been ill n we've been staying in watching gogglebox on a Friday night instead of going out drinking n i really enjoy it!'maybe I'm not like other 21year olds?!

You left home at 15?

So you were a kid your parents thought would go on to university and get a PhD but instead you started dating a grown up man when you were 16, dropped out of school, and are now planning to have a baby at 22 when you have no job security and little money.

I have to say that I can see why your mother is worried for you and any potential future child.

Thank you all for your opinions xxx

There's more to being a parent than sacrificing nights out, I think that statement shows your age.

Your mum is worried given the poor choices you have already made and bringing a child into the mix with a man that dated you as a teen at school mush really worry her.

For what it's worth... I have a 3 month old baby, I'm 24 and my partner is 23 and even though he was an accident it was absolutely the right time for us, he's the best thing that's ever happened to us and neither of us could be happier. We both had just finished uni, my DP works full time now and I obviously wasn't working before so don't qualify for any mat pay at all so it's hard on us financially. We've just bought a house though and I'm working a few shifts in a pub to get some extra money and we'll get by

Only you know if you're ready though xx

I know there is i was just quoting someone from above and didn't really want to put a huge list of all the other things. I haven't made poor choices, i live with a man i love and who loves me. I work hard. I appreciate life. I am very happy despite the situation with miscarriage and my partner not being well. I don't see any of my decisions as being poor.

i dont think youre doing anything unusual. Im not quite sure why youre worried about your mums support now if youve been working and left home since 15.

I would not be feeling particularly thrilled about any of my children packing in schoool as soon as she met a boyfriend,and then wanting a baby young. I definitely wouldnt be encouraging any of it, but she will probably be fine if you actually have one.

And youre not 'different from other 21 year olds' youre not super mature, youre just broody.

what illness is your partner suffering from

I had DS1 at 22. DH was 24. It was hard, but I don't regret it. DS is now 14 and I don't think we've broken him

Okay, why are you on here if you are so dead set on having a baby? People are questioning your choices and you are getting defensive.

In defence of the young - I was with my dh from the age of 14, got married at 18 and had my first child at 21. We were stable, and in good jobs (both in full time work from the age of 16).

36 years later and we are still in love, with 3 well balanced adult children. Our mortgage is a distant memory and whilst we are not well off, we are financially secure. We had minimal support from our parents, but of course they love our children.

It all depends what is important to you at this time, what you are prepared to sacrifice and how iindependant you can be (financially, practically and emotionally),

If I was your mum I would be wary of a grown man who gets in a relationship and then moves in with an underage child. Personally I would wait until you could take a proper maternity leave. My daughter is 6 months and I'm lucky that I am still off work, but the thought of leaving her is much more upsetting then I could ever have imagined.

Are you financially stable? Who is the higher earner in your relationship? What is the plan re both of your work after you have DC?

If you are the lower earner and/or likely to be a SAHM or working PT (or resigning if your employer won't allow this) would advise getting married! Otherwise you would be in a vulnerable situation.

Sorry if i came across as defensive i was answering questions xx and i wasn't asking for people whether we should have a baby or not just asking advice about my mum and i am grateful to hear your take on it all thanks

also, will your partner be able and willing to share the hard work of parenting, 24/7?

Missing nights out is the least of it!

I am 22 and my partner is 25. We live in a rented property which we pay for ourselves with money we earn and we've been here for two years.

Well I wasn't expecting that. When you said you were young I thought you were going to be 17 or 18!

I think providing there are no obvious alarm bells surrounding your relationship that your mum is stressing about, you should do whatever you want to do and your mum will no doubt come around to the idea in the end. Personally I wouldn't advise anyone to have children before at least 25 but just because it wouldn't be my preference doesn't mean it shouldn't be yours.

I met dh at 18, married at 20 and had dd at 22. I am nit in my mid 30s worked ok for us. I would ask, is your mum usually supportive. If so, think about what she has said. She is older and possibly wiser and it may not be your ag, but you emotional maturity that worries her.

Living on mat allowance when you have little money before this is very difficult. You say your partner has been ill, is it a temporary thing or could it be a permanent illness that effects him for life. The reason I ask is, if its the latter, could you find yourself having to care for a baby and partner with very little income or (because your partner is ill) support from your dp.

For what its worth my sil switched jobs whilst ttc, left a jib with great maternity benefits and got pg before she qualified for them at the new job. She assumed it would take longer to get pg. She loves her child and wouldn't change him. However her mat leave was very much more difficult

I understand the broodiness. It was unbearable for me and I had a baby at 24. I was living in a 1 bed flay at the time so not ideal but I was able to keep my job and thinks have worked out OK.
In hindsight I would have waited until late twenties ( but then I wouldn t have my son!)
It will work out fine if you do have a kid now and given the miscarriages having children during your peak fertility time is advisable. Most people but not everyone is still fertile in their thirties you just need to read the infertility forums to notice that.

Your mum is supporting you. As they say there is plenty of love in an no. She wants what is best for you and has the courage to make herself unpopular in telling you. A baby is not compensation for loss or the difficulty of life. What counts is what you can give your child. Initially, it will give you very little but take a lot. Wait, love your future child enough to have more to offer it - job & financial security and a relationship which is more firmly established. Be grateful for a mother who cares.

Yes, it is sad that your mum feels unable to support your choices. She may or may not 'come around' to it as time goes on and I think you should be prepared for that, even though you may hope she changes her mind.

Like you, I was only 16 and still at school when I met my 21 year old BF. Contrary to what some posters here would assume, he actively encouraged me to stay at school and get decent qualifications. Living together wasn't really an option back then, but we married about 5 years later and are coming up to our 35th anniversary soon. So don't let people scare you that your relationship is unlikely to survive because of your ages. HOWEVER, children DO put a massive strain on even the most stable relationship. Our DCs were born over 4 years into our marriage, 9 years into our relationship. We were a strong couple and still are, but those early years were tough just because of the changes a baby brings. Given that you say your DP is still recovering from illness and that money and childcare could, from what you say, be a major juggling act, I would counsel you to wait a little longer - until you are both more secure healthwise and moneywise. A little financial cushion certainly won't be harmful to you. And whilst you certainly do not need your mum's permission, if she sees that you are making sensible decisions and plans before a baby comes along, she may be less concerned about your decision to start your own family.

I wish you the very best of luck.

I think there's a massive difference between meeting someone young 30 years ago & settling down now; the world is a very different place. I know of very few teenage relationships which are still going in 30's & 40's these days.

Your 20's are for travelling, experiencing different relationships, developing a career. Maybe your mum is hoping you will experience a little more of life before settling down?

Is your need to settle down & have a baby a reaction to your father dying? Maybe a need for security?

Is your mum worried that you are expecting her to do childcare for you? And can you afford childcare? £50 per day, per child here, so it's a very significant cost.

Lastly, I can vaguely remember my early 20's & the "arrogance/confidence/naivety" of youth. I made some interesting decisions about life then!

tulipbulbs - "there's a lot of love in a no" - this is very true!

Op - are you rushing because you want to replace the baby you lost? This won't replace that one, it'll be it's own person, and it's own person whenever it arrives.

I'd say you can cope if you do it now, but in 3-4 years time you could be in a position to do better than just cope. You are in a rented property, so could be given notice in 2 months, read some of the threads on here with the difficulty of renting when you have children. Right now, 2 full time working young adults, you are a landlords dream, stable incomes, minimal wear and tear on property. Small child makes many landlords wary. If you can live with a grand a month less (full time nursery place), then you could save that now and in 2 years have £24k deposit (or more if you can make other sacrifices to save more) to buy. Once you have dcs, you'll never have the same disposable income to save unless one of you takes a massive step up career wise, and that will be harder to do if you can't do extra study, or put in longer hours at work as you have caring responsibilities.

Waiting 2 years would also mean you have many more rights at work, your DP can recover more and look at increasing income and possibly plan a small wedding - as pp said, if you/he shies away from marriage (for none political reasons) then perhaps your relationship isn't for the long term, best to avoid doing something that ties you together.

The average age for a first time mother is much closer to 30 now, society is much more set up towards spending your 20's getting settled before having dcs, while it's possible to do after having dcs, it's much harder to do - I can see why your mum doesn't want you to make your life harder than it needs to be.