Help me solve a marital issue (long!)

[MrsWood]

Not gonna change my nickname as I don't think it matters anyway. I will try and explain best I can, and as quickly as I can. DH and I are in a very fiery relationship. When we got married 10 years ago we loved eachother (well, at least I loved him). He takes his work as the number 1 priority, which mostly got in the way of everything - such as, we never had a honeymoon as it was "unprofessional" for him to take time to take me somewhere, so he promised he'd do it later on. He never did, and once we had our dd it was almost impossible. The days he spent working, the evenings he spent playing computer games and was too tired for any sexual encounters. We had very lousy sex life, and I was so depressed with his constant work priorities and no sex interest that I started nagging about littlest of thing such as forgetting to take the rubbish out etc. We even had our own business which didn't help our relationship - arguments about the business and staff were constant. We would have awful arguments but somehow still managed to have some fun - we went to cinema and restaurants a lot, we spent a lot of time trying but it still all ended in tears. Our dd was born 7 years into our relationship, but things didn't improve. Especially in the bedroom. He didn't take any interest in trying to improve things and make me happy - empty promisses were all I had. We argued more. We then decided to move abroad, end the business, and start afresh. We even (almost a year ago) started trying for another baby - almost November and still nothing. We have sex twice a month at the most, and then he either can't finish or stay hard long enough to finish. We again started arguing, and I asked him few days ago whether it was because I was bigger than we first met (I used to be 9.5 stone, now I'm 11 stone) - he said it didn't help and that he felt like this for few years now, and that that's biology and he can't do much about the fact he doesn't fancy me in the bedroom anymore. He said he might again, but wasn't sure. We have a dd to think about, so divorce is kind of crap solution, but I am not sure if I can move forward (like he wants to) knowing he doesn't find me attractive. Any thoughts?

the man needs to see the doctor about his sex drive. and make time for you.

its not you. its him. men will fuck if they fancy fucking to be blunt.

see a relationship councellor. is all i can advise.

i strongly believe he has a low sex drive and needs to see the doctor - performance anxiety as he knows your nagging for it and he feels under pressure to deliver.

I'm 5.3. He weights less

im shorter and wegh the same - i seriously dont think thats the issue - convenient excuse laid out for him there " is it cos i am fat?"
" yes...errr yes it is - its not becuase i can't keep it up...and don't want to speak to someone about it...honest"

Oh, I forgot to mention that he only ever wants me after sex scenes on TV, which now makes me feel like a sex doll. It's been like this for the past 6 months or so.

Before anyone says anything - he's not having an affair - I know this because he never really goes out without me, and works from home.

Hello!

Did you move abroad - is he still working all hours?

Think its unlikly to be weight - if dh gained 1.5 stone - I'm sure you would feel the same about him. Would he find the time for counselling?

I already told him before all the troubles that I'd even liked him to put on weight as I'd like to "hold onto something" so it really wouldn't bother me if he put on twice as much. I loved him the way he was.

it sounds like hes got a-erm-problem in the trouser dept to me.maybe all the stress at work is causing it?dont let him blame you.
does he still say he loves you?i would have thought 'fancy' didnt matter much after 10 years.

Councelling? He wants it, but I'm not sure how a councellor can help me feel better about my body, or how he'd help him find me attractive again.

He says he loves me (hm?) but find it hard to have sex with me as I am now. He never says he loves me anymore, or ever kisses me without a valid reason - not sure really.

We're still young - I'm 29 - I'm not sure I can go on without sex forever... He obviously can as he says we should just carry on as normal for the sake of our dd and as we're still quite compatible, sex shouldn't matter - at 29?

P.S. Thoughts from any male members would be GREATLY appriciated. My dh says women are just ganging up now (although he agrees my first post was correct).

Sorry MrsWood but I think you are flogging a dead horse, I can appreciate that you don't want to go it alone but I think at some point you are going to have to ask yourself 'Is this it? Is this good enough?'. I wasted several years more than I should have in a relationship where the good times were far outweighed by the bad, I learned to get by on the crumbs of enjoyment and they got less all the time. In the end I thought if my son grows up to think this is what love is he will be really messed up as an adult, that was what got me out, I personally was on the floor by then with about one atom of self esteem left. I don't like being on my own but it is so much better than how I was living.

How can your weight be that big of an issue if you say you sex life has been poor for a very long time?

29 is young-i like it!personally,i think sex should be about expressing love for each other in a loving relationship.i'm the same height as you,and i was 11 stone when i met my dp,and he found me attractive.its not like youre fat ffs!
i think a man of his age would find it hard to admit to having an impotence problem,and its just easier for him to blame you.if you still love each other,you can work through it together.

my dp-who is 23-says that if you love somebody then it doesnt matter what they look like,he has the same attitude as me to sex being about expressing love in a relationship.

Thanks - makes me feel less crazy

It sounds terrible. How awful for you both. I fyou do want a baby you can get him to masturbate and then use a test tube etc or get that done professionally. Doesn't sound like a great relationship to bring another child into however. Counselling might help and him giving up computer games and you both doing more together which isn't work. You could may be try to get back to 9.5 stone even just for yourself, not necessarily for him.

I've been so depressed since, I've eaten barely to stay alive (LOL) and been drinking to forget the pain

MrsWood I think you are not going to get from him what you want or what you need because he never gave it to you in the first place. If you get back to 9 stone he will think of something else. If he really wanted to make your relationship work be would be begging you for a chance to prove himself.

He doesn't think it's a manhood problem - he says it's hard to love someone who argues with him about petty things (never mind that arguments started because of unhappy relationship - I'm literally screaming for attention from him!!!).
I just asked him to say what exactly he loves about me (he's so adamant that he does) - he had a hard think and then said:

"your sense of humour, being a really good mother and the way you think about things."

When I asked about anything physical, he said he "didn't know" - to me that means "nothing", otherwise surely he'd jump to say what to make me a bit more reassured about his love.

It's all getting a bit tirying now - it's been few days, atmosphere is awful and I don't know how much I can take, but I feel so cheap, and so unwanted... How did I get here? It was meant to be our 10th anniversary in few days - big party etc. What for?

Well, things turned for the worse last night after our posts - he went away for a while (to "clear his head"), came back, got pissed (never normally drinks) and ended up on the bathroom floor all night - vomiting. Fantastic. I thought he was going to die with alcohol poisoning - he couldn't even move. I told him that if this was his way of showing love and way forward that he's doing a better job showing hate and marriage collapse. It didn't sink in, so I went to bed at 3.30am and left him on the floor. Got up twice to check he was breathing (worrying what I was gonna find when I got there)... This morning (7am) he was on the sofa feeling crap. We had coffee, I took his wedding ring (he chucked it on the floor last night) and told him he can have it back if he wants to mend things - but not until I feel he has the right to wear it again. If he didn't want to make a go of it, then he can have it back, alongside my one. He decided for me to keep it, and said he still felt bad, and went to bed. So, not much improved, but I'm hoping it will help base the next conversation when he gets sober enough.