Help me solve a marital issue (long!)

[MrsWood]

Not gonna change my nickname as I don't think it matters anyway. I will try and explain best I can, and as quickly as I can. DH and I are in a very fiery relationship. When we got married 10 years ago we loved eachother (well, at least I loved him). He takes his work as the number 1 priority, which mostly got in the way of everything - such as, we never had a honeymoon as it was "unprofessional" for him to take time to take me somewhere, so he promised he'd do it later on. He never did, and once we had our dd it was almost impossible. The days he spent working, the evenings he spent playing computer games and was too tired for any sexual encounters. We had very lousy sex life, and I was so depressed with his constant work priorities and no sex interest that I started nagging about littlest of thing such as forgetting to take the rubbish out etc. We even had our own business which didn't help our relationship - arguments about the business and staff were constant. We would have awful arguments but somehow still managed to have some fun - we went to cinema and restaurants a lot, we spent a lot of time trying but it still all ended in tears. Our dd was born 7 years into our relationship, but things didn't improve. Especially in the bedroom. He didn't take any interest in trying to improve things and make me happy - empty promisses were all I had. We argued more. We then decided to move abroad, end the business, and start afresh. We even (almost a year ago) started trying for another baby - almost November and still nothing. We have sex twice a month at the most, and then he either can't finish or stay hard long enough to finish. We again started arguing, and I asked him few days ago whether it was because I was bigger than we first met (I used to be 9.5 stone, now I'm 11 stone) - he said it didn't help and that he felt like this for few years now, and that that's biology and he can't do much about the fact he doesn't fancy me in the bedroom anymore. He said he might again, but wasn't sure. We have a dd to think about, so divorce is kind of crap solution, but I am not sure if I can move forward (like he wants to) knowing he doesn't find me attractive. Any thoughts?

If you told him you kissed someone else I'm not surprised he doesn't want to kiss you! If he never kisses you maybe he just doesn't do kissing?! Some people don't like it particularly. TBH dropping your bombshell although it has had the effect of making him think about how he os towards you and that he can't take you for granted, it has also had the effect of probably making him very depressed about your relationship.

don't put any physical pressure on him, maybe hold his hand, give him a quick peck on the cheek or wherever, but nothing more for now. DON'T argue - let;s face it forgetting that you mentioned you had to buy some bread is hardly the end of the world is it. Concentrate on enjoying yourselves together as friends, try and enjoy each others' company. If he winds you up take a deep breath and count to 10. I think you need to decide whether you enjoy each others company at the moment, if you decide you do then move onto the more lovey stuff (and chill about him being romantic - my dh's idea of being romantic is to buy me lip salve from the supermarket! No flowers, but who cares, if he knows I've got a grotty cold he thinks of me and tries to help me feel better - that means much more than a bunch of flowers).

I think your DH sounds seriously depressed. And I'm not surprised that he's a bit uncomfortable now that you've kissed someone else. As marital therapy goes it's not exactly up there with the best is it? I can appreciate that you aren't happy with things but it sounds to me as if you're expecting an adult, considered reaction to what you say and do, when actually he isn't functioning like a rational human being atm. His sexual 'underperformance' for want of a better word, whether it's a symptom of something else or not, isn't going to make him feel any better than it does you. I really think the counselling would be a very good idea asap.

I know he should feel the way he feels but having sex with me, then ignoring me gives me mixed messages, regardless of what happened. If he did the same, if he kissed another woman, I don't think I'd be having sex at all - at least he'd know where he is and what I'm feeling. This whole epirode happened because of the relationship collapse, the fact that he didn't care enough for me and was not showing what he feels. It wasn't the first thing that triggered it, and it certainly didn't happened because he forgot to take the rubbish out! I felt unloved, I was told I was unloved, so I decided to feel loved outside of marriage. I'm not justifying my actions at all, nor I feel that it makes things better, but the minute he decided to stay with me, put an end to all the bad times, not to mention to go as far as having sex with me then why stop at kissing? He leads me on, then drops me like a dead fly - apparently that's ok. I don't think I deserve this at all - I wish he'd say how he feels one way or another.