Is my DP going senile or is he messing me about?

[supersop60]

Very small incidents in the great scheme of things - first, the laundry basket has gone missing. It's just a fold up basket, when it's finished with it folds up and leans against the wall in the downstairs loo area. It's gone. DP swears he doesn't know where it is, but he's done a lot of washing this week. I haven't put it anywhere.
Second, I have a can of dry shampoo on the bedside table - SO useful. It's gone. I haven't thrown it away. DP - "I don't know". I said "Did you knock it over when you opened the curtains perhaps? and move it?" No.
Oh, and then I find it in a vanity bag under my side of the bed, underneath a couple of other make-up bags. I didn't put it there, I need it handy.
Has he really forgotten or is he acting out?
Oh, and he's starting moaning about me to the children for things I haven't done and which quickly become apparent.

Does he have a history of rather bizarre passive aggressive behaviour?

Is he upset with you about something?

Is he under a lot of stress at the moment?

Have you noticed anything else odd?

How old is he?

Could you have a ghost

Is he reliable in relation to his things, or just as distracted?

Gaslighting springs to mind. Moaning about you to children is not nice at all. What is the rest of his behaviour like?

He's 51 and very busy atm. He may be upset with me, but I don't know why.
He is disorganised with his own stuff, and I have to tell him, a lot, to leave my things alone. Sometimes he turns the bathmat 90 degrees so it sticks out instead of running along the side of the bath.
I've posted before about his 'funny ways'.
He has always had a poor memory for timings of gigs/events.

It may well be that his actions are totally deliberate and designed to call into question and actively doubt your own judgment. This is known as "gaslighting" and is one of many tools the abusive partner uses. This term comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, in which a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights (which were powered by gas) in their home, and then he denies that the light changed when his wife points it out.

It is an extremely effective form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question their own feelings, instincts, and sanity, which gives the abusive partner a lot of power (abuse is about power and control). Once an abusive partner has broken down the victim’s ability to trust their own perceptions, the victim is more likely to stay in the abusive relationship.

The signs of being a victim of gaslighting include:-

•You constantly second-guess yourself.
•You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
•You often feel confused and even crazy.
•You’re always apologizing to your partner.
•You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
•You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behaviour to friends and family.
•You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
•You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
•You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
•You have trouble making simple decisions.
•You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.

kitten he is very sweary. Last week he dropped a fork and out came "you fucking c**ting shit". I just laughed and said "most people would have said whoops!"
He's also grumpy and moans about everything - especially news/politics/Isis.
Is not good when he doesn't get his own way - takes it as rejection.
2 years ago he had an EA with the mother of one of his pupils and refuses to discuss it.
Strewth - this is not the man I fell in love with!

Why are you together now given his past and present behaviours?.

I don't think it's gaslighting. Only a couple of the bullet points are true. It may be anxiety about getting older and worry about future finances - frequent topics in this house.
He's not very likeable lately.

Attila because I think there is something worth saving.

What is there really to save here?. You simply cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship; neither approach works. You cannot save what is perhaps a failing relationship here on your own.

Do you think you have really moved on at all since his EA particularly as he's never discussed it. Why did you take him back after he did that?.

Are you really together now out of habit, the children or a fear of being on your own?.

Do not get drawn further into the sunken costs fallacy; that will simply cause you to make poor relationship decisions.

The EA - how do you know it was only emotional? Is it really over? And him not talking about it. Sorry - too many alarm bells for me. You deserve much better. He sounds awful .

....Sometimes he turns the bathmat 90 degrees so it sticks out instead of running along the side of the bath.....

That's bizarre.

Is there any particular reason - that you are aware of - for him to be under exceptional stress right now? (And do you know of any medication/self medication he takes for it?)

Hi Super
Have you considered the "male menopause"? If you google it, many of the behaviours you describe are there.

because I think there is something worth saving.

Hmm, well just be very careful with that. It's a slow, gradual, sliding scale from that genuinely being the case to - as Attila says - sunken costs coming into play.

Personally, an EA which he refuses to discuss would be my line in the sand. He doesn't get to not discuss something like that. Not, of course, if you have a mutually respectful relationship of equals, where there is still love. Hmm, now that might just be something worth saving. But the utter disrespect and casual taking-for-granted-that-you-ain't-going-nowhere that a refusal to even talk about something like that implies... Well, that's absolutely nothing worth saving. Ever.

Plus, all the gaslighting nonsense - because that is exactly what it is - really? Fuck right off. Fuck right off with your childish acting out, secretly punishing me because you KNOW you've shown yourself to be an incapable, emotionally twatty little fuckwit who responds to stress by escapist little affairs. Don't you DARE punish me for being the person who didn't do that and is now maintaining a silence that speaks volumes about it. Fuck right off. Your shampoo didn't get into that bag on its own, or via a ghost. He did it. You know it. Just stop and think exactly what absolutely BELL END like thought processes got it there.

You have one life, OP. Spending all of it with a pathetic tosser seems a shame, really.

Oh and I'd spend this evening:

• picking tiny holes in the toes of all his socks, so a toe works through by the end of a day in them;

• If he has his own shampoo, pour half out and fill with conditioner;

• bit of jam rubbed into the corner of bag or briefcase

• and I can easily think of a few more if you want to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Knob.

Theres a chance it can be dementia. My dad has vascular dementia and it probably started at early 50s. Sometimes the person gets very angry and aggressive when they start to feel difficulties to do stuff. Depression can make things worse. Hope I'm completely wrong and it's only stress, but it's worth keeping that in mind...

I'm afraid it sounds a lot like my step father who had dementia. To me his behaviour had always been a bit 'odd' and inappropriate and it all accelerated in his 60's. He died in his 70's.

He gradually got aggressive and doing very strange things, not realising he had done them, or how bizarre it all seemed to others.

However of course I may be wrong. Either way, if it's dementia or if he's just being obtuse it sounds tough for you.

I love your post Sylvanians . It seems quite carefully constructed to be indicative of dementia. OP I'd check this out...

www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/adult-health/expert-answers/passive-aggressive-behavior/faq-20057901

Is there a history of Alzheimer's or dementia in his family? Aggressive or defensive behaviour can be part of the onset. If a person is skatty-brained, absent-minded, or a bit short-tempered to begin with it's hard to tell one thing from the other.

Would he consider seeing his GP for a screening? If not, you may want to visit yours or contact a local dementia/Alzheimer's group and talk about his behaviour and see if there's anything they can recommend to help you decide if that's the issue.

How old are 'the children'? Are they old enough to help you convince him to go to the GP?

OTOH, if this is just an escalation of the way he's always treated you, then you need to seriously think about whether or not you want to live this way.

There IS Alzheimer's in his family - his gran who died a few years ago. And also in mine - my lovely mum.
That's what prompted me to ask the question in the first place. I'll check out that link kitty
sylvanians - I love those ideas. I did 'hide' something of his and then I decided I was also being childish and passive/aggressive, so I put it back!

What do you mean by sunken costs?

I love the typical response on MN. "What is there worth saving", "aggressive" etc. etc.

My first thought when reading your post was possibly mental health problems - Alzheimer's, dementia etc. It would be worth looking in to but with a level of sensitivity. This would explain his extreme language of he's picking up on things himself and becoming understandably upset.

The forgetfulness and extreme language may be indicative of something like dementia. Although I'm assuming the dropping fork episode wasn't all that different to his usual reaction because you laughed. If my husband had done that I would have been upset and very worried and it would definitely be a case of something seriously wrong.

Op, have you been with him enough years to compare the new him with the old one? How different is he now?

Not discussing the EA is not acceptable and I don't think that's his choice to make. Well it is, but I don't see how you can rebuild your marriage without talking it through properly.

And what if this is not any early onset of dementia; people do act like this when they are emotionally abusive and this type of abuse is insidious in its onset.

Is he moving "his" items around in the same manner OP?.

Can any of you imagine this man actually agreeing to being assessed as well?.

I asked the OP that particular question TokenGinger simply because the OP wrote "because I think there is something worth saving" (this was in response to me asking her why they are together now given his past and present behaviours).

Are you afraid OP to bring up the subject of his EA simply because of his reaction?.

The idea of sunk cost states that an investment of money, time or energy must not necessarily influence your continued investment of money, time or energy. The past investment is “sunk” into the endeavor and cannot be recouped. It is gone. Ongoing investment will not resuscitate what is gone when the investment is a bad one.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavor.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested too much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”