Is my DP going senile or is he messing me about?

[supersop60]

Very small incidents in the great scheme of things - first, the laundry basket has gone missing. It's just a fold up basket, when it's finished with it folds up and leans against the wall in the downstairs loo area. It's gone. DP swears he doesn't know where it is, but he's done a lot of washing this week. I haven't put it anywhere.
Second, I have a can of dry shampoo on the bedside table - SO useful. It's gone. I haven't thrown it away. DP - "I don't know". I said "Did you knock it over when you opened the curtains perhaps? and move it?" No.
Oh, and then I find it in a vanity bag under my side of the bed, underneath a couple of other make-up bags. I didn't put it there, I need it handy.
Has he really forgotten or is he acting out?
Oh, and he's starting moaning about me to the children for things I haven't done and which quickly become apparent.

Okay. I really really do not believe I am being abused. (ducks down quickly)

I see my DP (sometimes) as a little boy who lies to cover up when he's done something wrong/daft/inexplicable. He had the EA because of his need to be be appreciated/adored, because having had the children, he was no longer getting my 100% attention.
The moaning to the children recently were a) accusing me of putting the dishwasher and washing machine on at the same time - it always makes a flood. Actually, I had put the dw on and gone to work and HE then put on a wash.
b) I parked outside the house leaving room behind me because I would be first out. He comes along wondering why I ' needed so much space'. He had plenty of room to park either front or back.
On both of these occasions my ds told me immediately, and I put DP straight.
i hope the dc will see that I don't put up with it, and that he does not get away with it.
Doesn't explain the dry shampoo or the laundry basket tho.

Apparently his GF was a horrible man, so I'm aware of genetics.

"i hope the dc will see that I don't put up with it, and that he does not get away with it".

You do put up with this and by turn him because what really are the consequences from you for his actions?. He hears white noise from you and takes no notice of what you have to say. He's got away with an awful lot to date hasn't he?.

Both examples you cite particularly the first one were deliberate on his part and designed to undermine you and give him cause to blame you. He put the washing machine on and yet blamed you for the flooded kitchen. Why could he have not waited for the dishwasher cycle to finish first?. Why was it that important to him to have the second appliance running at the same time knowing that there would be a flood?. Why has no-one seen fit to actually get the plumbing properly fixed so this problem no longer recurs?.

He caused this problem and YOU got the blame. He absolved himself of all responsibility here. Also why has he deigned to speak to your son about this and thus involving him too?.

You mention his GF interestingly; are you really that surprised that he was a horrible man also. Parental influence plays a huge part in our overall upbringing.

No-one ever likes to think they are being abused.

I would think very carefully about your future with this man because he is not a nice individual at all. You have a lot of resentment and anger towards him anyway for good reason.

Why are you really together now; simply out of your thinking that there is something worth saving here?.

The thing is, can you live with always having to defend yourself to the dc (what else has he blamed you for that you weren't there to call?), to be constantly trying to work out what else has moved, what else is hidden.

You talk about his 'controlling way of tidying up'.

Does he recognise there is a problem, and if he does is he willing to do something about it?

I think that is the key. If he is willing to accept that there is a problem/potential problem and that you want his support in getting it right then you can fix things. If he cannot accept there is a problem (which does not rule out dementia in itself) then you have to work out how you can live with this, with places you can 'hide' stuff from him so he can't move stuff that is important.

How old are your children and do you think it is likely to affect them? Is their stuff moved?

"He had the EA because of his need to be be appreciated/adored, because having had the children, he was no longer getting my 100% attention"

What an entitled man he is. He really does like being Number One doesn't he?. So his solution to feeling unappreciated by you was to have an emotional affair rather than properly communicate with you at all about your relationship. I doubt very much he would have been anywhere near as forgiving as you have been if you had embarked upon an emotional affair.

attila - harsh. The person you describe is not my DP. He put the washing on because he did not notice that the dishwasher was on. He admitted he should have looked and apologised - he did not get away with it. I did not put up with it because I called him on it. BTW the plumbing will be fixed when we can afford to take time off work.
I'm not excusing the EA in any way, but you make it sound like he flounced off in a sulky huff to find someone else to play with.
He admits he has always been a tidy up freak. As a student, his friends called him Mr Tidy up. I have to get him to tidy up his own stuff and not mine.
His actions after the EA were to get very involved in family activities and to do lots more shopping, washing etc.
I am not defending things he has done or said, but he is not the monster that you describe.

Sakura I want to respond to dratsea's comment.
It's not true that we all get dementia. It's also not true that men stay stronger longer. Quite the opposite. Men deteriorate and die sooner than women. And this is universal. Women outlive their same-age husbands sometimes by 30 years. This is a global trend.

Sorry, to be clear: We do not all get dementia, we do all age and many more of us get the opportunity of becoming old.

Supersop "Has he really forgotten or is he acting out?" Do look up confabulation. DF used to drive DM to distraction and being an engineer (borderline Aspergers) he made a really good job of it. With the benefit of hindsight this was the earliest sign vascular dementia in him. About three years later he failed to turn up at our house for Sunday lunch, we lived about 30 mins drive from him. He has never had a mobile. About four hours later he returned home (my brother was staying with him). He gave a very good story of "roadworks" an "RTA" and everything was blocked up and he thought it best to come home. He still thought his memory was fine, just that he found it harder to remember names. Within 5 yrs he coped only by writing everything down. He was very reluctant to attend a "memory clinic" As the family medic I went with him to the clinic. Very helpful psychiatrist could identify the likely area of vascular problems on the basis of history and the "memory tests" and this was confirmed on the scans. Needless to say he forgot the follow up next year!

dratsea - interesting. DP has always had a poor memory; he even bought a home tuition course on Improving Your Memory, needless to say......
He makes to-do lists all the time, there are post-it notes everywhere, and when I ask him what he's doing, say, next Thursday, he says 'umm' and has to go to his diary.
I have also wondered if he is on 'the spectrum', and he definitely has a problem with boundaries.

"I'm not excusing the EA in any way, but you make it sound like he flounced off in a sulky huff to find someone else to play with".

He did that because to him you were not giving him your full and undivided attention. What sort of person does that anyway, who died and made him king?. The grown up thing here would have been to communicate with you, not embark on an emotional affair. Also you took him back post this for your own reasons. He still refuses to talk to you about why this happened.

Unless he has been formally assessed as well you cannot assume either he is anywhere on the ASD spectrum. Also ASD does not equate to having problems with boundaries.

I wish you well supersop; I do not think he is a very nice person at all to be at all with.

Alzheimer's is not hereditary. There are a few very rare cases when there is a high level within families that warrants checking out but that is it. Ana is right, we do not all get dementia, the rates are higher simply because we live longer and rates rocket in our 80's.

Generally strange behaviour exhibited in the early stages is because the person knows there is something amiss and gets angry when they are picked up on. An example would be struggling with every day tasks such as dealing with money (not recognising amounts correctly), teling the time and even the process of boiling a kettle. Dementia can exacerbate behaviours that are already there - if a person has always had a short fuse their lack of inhibition may mean they don't hide it. If it is the onset of dementia, then he is retaining capacity in that these incidents don't appear to be happening to him. They happen to you.

These are all little things that he knows matters to you. I think this is part of a wider picture relating to your relationship but the blame lies with him. You are very accommodating of him and perhaps you need to start thinking of your own needs and happiness.

super he sounds alarmnigly like me. I put things down as I get distracted by other things / thoughts. I pick something up that isn't where it should be eg a pair of my work trousers need to be in the washing, that triggers a thought about work so I go downstairs with the trousers and go to write the work thing down, but find that there isn't a pen so hunt in my bag for a pen. I leave the trousers by my bag (sometimes in my bag) and go back to write the work thought down.... by which time I am distracted by something else. I will have forgotten all about the trousers which I will find in my bag when I am going to work..... it will take me days to realise why they are there. If some one asks me why something is there or where I have put something I will have no idea.

It drives my family mad, but it is not done on purpose my brian just seems to have got to the full up stage and I can't hold onto everything. I know it is frustrating for them and I wish I could change it. Our coping strategy is post it notes, to do lists and gently taking the piss.

Superscop For your sake I sincerely hope my suggestions are misfounded. We, the children, did find DF behaviour very difficult and progressively more so, and perhaps for DM, who loved him unconditionally, the only possible benefit of a very late recurrence of her breast Ca was that she did not have to deal with his decline.

Attila I did write a reply to you, it was not very complimentary, it got lost on send, I am grateful for the foibles of the internet,

OP

You have every right to discuss the EA. Good luck.