I've hurt DP's feelings again re: DIY

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DP is very sensitive about the state of the house as due to long-term depression we have major unfinished projects (mainly the kitchen) - think still-boxed kitchen units in the living-room for a decade. Just for context.

We also have several minor modifications to the house he's made himself, so the whole house will need to be certified by an electrician if we ever want to sell. I'm trying not to think about it.

The other day he was talking about how dark it is in the living room and suggesting running some more lights off the central ones. I said it would be a lot of work and maybe we could try a standard lamp first. He seemed to agree eventually.

Yesterday he bought a shelf and today he was doing some drilling on the workbench in the kitchen. It turns out he's making a mount for more ceiling lights and asks me how I would like them oriented. I said I didn't know and I thought we were getting a standard lamp, but I wasn't quite sure what to say. He seemed very upset. I also said that I didn't want to have this conversation again. I'd thought we'd agreed not go down this route.

I came back in the living room to find him immobile with a grumpy fixed expression. He wouldn't respond with more than a word or two to anything but denied being upset. Then after a while he suddenly jumped up, went into the kitchen, came back, and just kind of stirred around all the stuff on the table angrily looking for something rather than lifting the mess to look under it. I asked him to be careful and he told me it's all just a fucking mess anyway.

He seems really upset and while I'm annoyed he's gone ahead with a project that I thought we'd agreed not to, I'm not sure what to do now as he knows I don't really want him to start this project and have another DIY modification. But it's his house.

Maintenance and tidiness are such flashpoints and I find we can't even have discussions about whether to get someone in or do some task without him taking it as a criticism of him and I'm finding it a big strain. We both suffer from mental health problems and spend pretty much all our time together, and I'm currently quite acutely unwell.

He seems so depressed but won't admit when he's feeling low and I don't know what to do.

How have you put up with this for this long?!

I would have been long gone.

Read depression fall out. You can't fix this or him. My mother had depression and it sucked the whole life out of my childhood.

Have you got kids?

No kids, it's just him and me. I have depression too and I'm probably worse to live with - when I'm having a bad spell I don't wash, can't do any housework at all, and need quite a lot of care. I just find him hard to understand because when I'm low, I'm low all the time no matter what's happening, but DP seems to be able to be normal most of the time but when I've upset him he suddenly develops the slow, flat speech, staring into the distance, lethargic kind of thing that I have when I'm low - but it goes away again when the "problem" is over. He says it's because it becomes harder to keep up the act.

He's never been violent towards me but when he angrily turns the house upside-doen looking for things or swears loudly at things going wrong in the kitchen or walks around looking for things snapping his fingers impatiently it makes me feel panicky and anxious, which understandably annoys him. How do I learn to not overreact emotionally to this stuff?

I've no idea how to answer your actual question because this sounds utterly intolerable for both of you. Are you both being treated and getting appropriate support for your mh issues? Your depression sounds out of control and the house sounds enough to depress anyone.

If and when you are both in optimal health then perhaps breaking tasks down into very small chunks would be the way forward? Maybe even now you could face throwing some things away each day. It's actually very empowering. I believe there are charities that can help with DIY tasks and so on. CAB may be able to advise. Firstly though getting you both as well as you can be has to be the priority.

I feel like I've pissed on his chips a bit and while he's continuing with the project, the fun and the sense of accomplishment have gone for him and I've just spoilt everything again. He's currently noisily hauling toolboxes around in our (tiny) kitchen that's full of DIY tools and the sudden noises are making me jump and want to cry. It's because I have an anxiety disorder and am depressed but of course to him it looks like I'm getting at him and reacting like this to criticise him. But it's so hard to hide.

Are you well enough to go out?

The MH situation is difficult. He has private health insurance but I don't think it covers chronic conditions like depression, and I'm waiting two or three months between psychiatrist appointments despite having had a recent admission after a serious suicide attempt. We're both on antidepressants but mine at least aren't working. I'm working on options but it's slow and difficult.

It is out of control and we're barely keeping on top of things.

Recently I've become incapable of going out alone but before that I would go out walking or to the gym or into town alone and it gave me some time away. But I'm just too tired and low right now. The MH stuff is something I know how to deal with - it goes in cycles and I know how to get help. It's the relationship side of it that's difficult for me to understand. He feels I'm criticising or nagging or getting at him and I don't know what I need to do to change how I'm coming across to him.

DP seems to be able to be normal most of the time but when I've upset him he suddenly develops the slow, flat speech, staring into the distance, lethargic kind of thing that I have when I'm low - but it goes away again when the "problem" is over. He says it's because it becomes harder to keep up the act
I feel like I've pissed on his chips a bit and while he's continuing with the project, the fun and the sense of accomplishment have gone for him and I've just spoilt everything again. He's currently noisily hauling toolboxes around in our (tiny) kitchen that's full of DIY tools and the sudden noises are making me jump and want to cry

the above is deliberate passive aggressive behaviour. he wants to do whatever he likes and not have to respect your opinion so he starts acting like a twat to emotionally and mentally push you to the limit so you will break and say 'do what you want'. he knows how this affects you but he does it anyway. That's called abusive behaviour.

i've been dysthymic all my life so i know you feel op when it comes to day to day life. what i would suggest is that you insist on absolutely no more diy projects until the previous diy has been completed. Whether that means saving and paying for someone else to do it or him doing it himself - which he CAN do as he has proved he has no problem starting new diy projects. He sounds very much like my dad used to be - constantly starting diy projects but never completing them and refusing to allow us to hire someone else to do them.

I would be depressed and anxious if l was living in the mess you are living in..kitchen not done in ten years...that would send anyone into a spiral of depression...is there anyway you could get some money together to get that done..or get your own family to help you. I would certainly not let him take on any other project..he has more than had his chance...don't mind him huffing and puffing..ignore him..it's not your fault...he hasn't finished what he started so under no circumstances can he start something else..that would certainly drive you into a deeper depression... It's not you it's him and l doubt there is one person here who would stick that. Were you depressed before you moved in with him as your living conditions cannot be helping. I feel very sorrow for you. Let him sulk away. You had to say no or you are in danger of going under completely.

Living in chaos is not good for anyone's mental health.
If there is no progress with the DIY that makes it worse.

You would both feel better if the house could be finished and the 10 year old new kitchen cupboards be put together and used rather than them being stored in your living room.

I'm sorry you are so unwell and life is so difficult.

That sounds like a good idea. It could be hard though, because in the past when I've tried to broach a general bigger issue (like undone DIY in general) he's immediately related it to a recent disagreement and answered specifically with regard to that incident (like this light mount).

He says things like "are you still going on about that? We've already been over this." and I hate to push it because when we've argued and I've upset him he usually gets very low and grumpy for hours, then comes to me wanting cuddles and starts crying. It's really upsetting. He interprets so many things as criticisms but when I actually have an issue with him he breaks down.

He also feels very guilty about the kitchen we gave up on over ten years ago(!) and when reminded of it at all starts apologising.

To be fair he does often complete the small jobs and the kitchen is a massive job.

Oops, took so long to post that that pax and come posted in the meantime.

Yes, we really need to fix the house. It would definitely help. It's just such an enormous undertaking and I can't face it.

I probably do have the money to get someone in to fix the kitchen but to suggest it to DP is like telling him I've totally given up on him and his ability to ever get things done. He's been so upset in the past when ive mentioned it, it's just not worth it. So I'd have to do it myself somehow.

I was ill before I met him - I was 16 and unwell and moved out of home across the country to live with him. He looked after me through a bad few years when I was in and out of hospital and I am so much better now (well, until recently, when I had another relapse). He was also ill with depression.

Sorry, I'm being relentlessly negative and finding objections to every suggestion. I guess I just feel a bit stuck and hopeless. I don't mean to be dismissive at all.

I think after 10 years you're allowed to assume that he's not doing it.

Sorry, but if it upsets him and makes him feel useless - tough. He's had so long to 'prove' to you that he's capable of getting it done. He hasn't. So in this context, he IS ineffectual and he has to accept that.

You would both feel better if these jobs that have been hanging over you both are completed. He can still crack on with some other project, but with proper planning, good communication about what you BOTH want done and a timescale in mind.

Honestly, you need to look after yourself and while I understand that depression isn's just circumstantial, your living arrangements cannot be helping. I imagine it will feel like a great weight has been lifted for both of you once the kitchen is done and any other jobs are out of the way.

He may sulk or be upset. Whatever. It needs doing, he's not doing it.

Why not sell the kitchen on ebay and just tidy up what you have got there?

This all sounds horribly co-dependent. He sounds more selfish than he has an excuse to be re. interpreting everything as you criticising him and needing to come to you to cry on you/get cuddles after an argument. That will be doing absolutely nothing for your mental state and I think you need some space from him and having to feel responsible for his feelings.

Have you thought that it is your DH that is exacerbating your depression? Like sugarontop, it reads to me like he is controlling you through through his behaviour. He seems to be mimicking your genuine illness too, as a way to make you feel guilty / put you in your place.

I'm sorry that you are so ill. Are you getting the professional care/support that you need?

Are you sure this relationship is still good for you? I wonder whether you have actually outgrown it and it's holding you back?

I'm under my local mental health services so do get quite a lot of support at the moment.

Maybe I have grown away from the person I was when we met. It's getting harder to ignore the differences in age and life-stage. DP has accepted that he will never work again but I'm young enough to hope I can still have a meaningful career in the future and while he supports me in that, it worries me.

There's a lot to think about - I'm a bit overwhelmed at the moment to think through what everyone's saying to me yet. Thankyou to all of you though, I'm reading everything.

I believe DP has a genuine mental illness - he's been assessed by various psychiatrists and he has chronic depression. It confuses me when he suddenly becomes depressed and then he's fine a few hours later but I don't think he's putting it on as such.

I wonder about codependency and whether this is the best thing I could be doing, but we do love each other, and ideally I want to try and make this better rather than leave it.

Hi OP,

How old are you? How old is he? How long have you been together?

It does sound like you can't imagine a life without him, especially as you have been together since you were 16.

It is good you are getting support from your local mental health services. Is there anyone you see on a regular basis? Do you see a psychotherapist at least? Do you have other people you can talk to?

It must be very difficult if you are depressed to be in a relationship with someone else who is depressed. It almost sounds as if he is competitive in that regard.

Hope you get some more help, and sorry your house sounds like an environment that is not conducive to happiness. Could you get a break for a few days and spend time with friends or family?

I'm late twenties, he's late forties, and we've been together well over a decade. You're right, I do struggle to imagine adult life on my own.

I do have support workers I can talk to, but not a psychotherapist as such. I think I'm going to be able to get some kind of help like that soon, with any luck. I have a good relationship with my parents but they live several hours' drive away and I don't have my own car any more (stopped driving due to anxiety). I don't see them very often. I don't have any close real-life friends but I do know some people at a day-centre.

It does sound like competitiveness I suppose - I guess though that it is upsetting and difficult for him having me be ill. Whatever the reason, I'm not making him any better.

No matter how stressed my partner is, when I'm going through a really bad spell (not being able to wash for a week, not being able to face going out to the shop with him, never mind alone, etc) his caring side kicks in and he immediately steps up and does what needs to be done and supports me and doesn't let me know about his own stress. He becomes strong where I don't feel strong. This doesn't sound like what happens in your situation and it puzzles me a bit that it doesn't.

He met you when you were 16 and he was mid 30s, he has major mental heth difficulties as do you. I'm liking the sound of him less and less.

I suffer long term depression. It's managed by long term anti depressants. However, I don't think truly depressed people are only depressed for a few hours, like you mention your dp is. It sounds more like temperament or personality to me

So essentially you moved from straight from home in with him, he's a bit like an alternative father, and he's all you've known other than your family.