I've hurt DP's feelings again re: DIY

[TintedLipgloss]

DP is very sensitive about the state of the house as due to long-term depression we have major unfinished projects (mainly the kitchen) - think still-boxed kitchen units in the living-room for a decade. Just for context.

We also have several minor modifications to the house he's made himself, so the whole house will need to be certified by an electrician if we ever want to sell. I'm trying not to think about it.

The other day he was talking about how dark it is in the living room and suggesting running some more lights off the central ones. I said it would be a lot of work and maybe we could try a standard lamp first. He seemed to agree eventually.

Yesterday he bought a shelf and today he was doing some drilling on the workbench in the kitchen. It turns out he's making a mount for more ceiling lights and asks me how I would like them oriented. I said I didn't know and I thought we were getting a standard lamp, but I wasn't quite sure what to say. He seemed very upset. I also said that I didn't want to have this conversation again. I'd thought we'd agreed not go down this route.

I came back in the living room to find him immobile with a grumpy fixed expression. He wouldn't respond with more than a word or two to anything but denied being upset. Then after a while he suddenly jumped up, went into the kitchen, came back, and just kind of stirred around all the stuff on the table angrily looking for something rather than lifting the mess to look under it. I asked him to be careful and he told me it's all just a fucking mess anyway.

He seems really upset and while I'm annoyed he's gone ahead with a project that I thought we'd agreed not to, I'm not sure what to do now as he knows I don't really want him to start this project and have another DIY modification. But it's his house.

Maintenance and tidiness are such flashpoints and I find we can't even have discussions about whether to get someone in or do some task without him taking it as a criticism of him and I'm finding it a big strain. We both suffer from mental health problems and spend pretty much all our time together, and I'm currently quite acutely unwell.

He seems so depressed but won't admit when he's feeling low and I don't know what to do.

I thought I'd come back and tell you all that I did show this thread to my social worker and, while she agreed DP and I seem to be on different life trajectories, she feels now is not necessarily the best time to make major changes to my living arrangements.

Thankfully, she's a quick reader.

Glad to hear that you're percolating the idea even if you aren't ready to act :)

Thanks Ehric. Percolating sounds a lot better than stewing

Thanks for the update, good that you showed the thread to your SW, well done for that. Interesting that knowing you (presumably) pretty well, she thinks it best to keep things as they are wrt your relationship for now; I can see the point of that given you're looking at making other big changes anyway. One step at a time.

And an access course in Humanities sounds spot on for you. I'm sure you'll work out the transport issue one way or another. Although, given that I'm old enough to be your mother I do feel entitled to cluck and urge you to get some lessons if you go for the 125cc option, even if you don't actually need to what with having your car licence.

Hope you had a good Easter.

Thanks Talking - it could be, being a psychiatric social worker, her priority is getting the mental health situation sorted first - I'm sure she's seen plenty of people with my conditions in precarious housing and I guess it doesn't help.

I hope you had a good Easter too, Talking

Am nearly thirty and wrinkled! But I will be careful

good to hear!

How are you doing? Sorry haven't been around, was just crazy last week, I think we tried to pack in a bit too much over the holidays and ended up shattered! It was lovely to have DS at home though, he likes school, luckily, but he loves the holidays!

I can see where your SW is coming from re keeping your living situation stable while you get more sorted out, especially with a big change like this course and then hopefully HE on the horizon. And also especially given there are day to day things that are a real challenge for you, and I can see now you wouldn't want to lose that day to day support that your DP provides.

But the only thing I would still say to keep in the back of your mind is the possibility that quite a few of us pointed out, that your relationship is maybe not actually helping your MH issues and may in fact be contributing to them.

I guess that's a hard thing to keep in mind when you live with him and depend on him to quite a degree, and I realise that you're between a rock and hard place in many ways in this scenario. So I guess I would just say keep doing what you're doing, keep taking these positive steps to make your own life more functional and fulfilling, and you will get stronger, and more able to see what choices you want to make.

Not that you really need me to tell you that! Hope things are continuing to go in a good direction.