I've hurt DP's feelings again re: DIY

[TintedLipgloss]

DP is very sensitive about the state of the house as due to long-term depression we have major unfinished projects (mainly the kitchen) - think still-boxed kitchen units in the living-room for a decade. Just for context.

We also have several minor modifications to the house he's made himself, so the whole house will need to be certified by an electrician if we ever want to sell. I'm trying not to think about it.

The other day he was talking about how dark it is in the living room and suggesting running some more lights off the central ones. I said it would be a lot of work and maybe we could try a standard lamp first. He seemed to agree eventually.

Yesterday he bought a shelf and today he was doing some drilling on the workbench in the kitchen. It turns out he's making a mount for more ceiling lights and asks me how I would like them oriented. I said I didn't know and I thought we were getting a standard lamp, but I wasn't quite sure what to say. He seemed very upset. I also said that I didn't want to have this conversation again. I'd thought we'd agreed not go down this route.

I came back in the living room to find him immobile with a grumpy fixed expression. He wouldn't respond with more than a word or two to anything but denied being upset. Then after a while he suddenly jumped up, went into the kitchen, came back, and just kind of stirred around all the stuff on the table angrily looking for something rather than lifting the mess to look under it. I asked him to be careful and he told me it's all just a fucking mess anyway.

He seems really upset and while I'm annoyed he's gone ahead with a project that I thought we'd agreed not to, I'm not sure what to do now as he knows I don't really want him to start this project and have another DIY modification. But it's his house.

Maintenance and tidiness are such flashpoints and I find we can't even have discussions about whether to get someone in or do some task without him taking it as a criticism of him and I'm finding it a big strain. We both suffer from mental health problems and spend pretty much all our time together, and I'm currently quite acutely unwell.

He seems so depressed but won't admit when he's feeling low and I don't know what to do.

What a horrible thought, Twinkle, but I suppose I see what you mean. Yes, I came for what I thought was a visit, and never went back home to live. I was in the middle of a very tumultuous period of my life; I was treated in (adult) psychiatric hospitals both before and after I moved. When I finally came out of it to a certain extent, I found myself socially isolated, a long way from my family, with few qualifications and no experience of work. I guess I'm kind of stuck where I am so I need to make the best of it, and I do love DP.

I am a very happy mentally strong person thanks to luck and genetics. But I CANNOT cope with a messy house and unfinished DIY when I have PMT or am stressed about other stuff. Your house would drive me to insanity if I had to cook and spend time in an unfinished kitchen for years and years and couldn't talk about a solution.
My DP has cluttered up our basement with his hobby and I can't go down there without getting really upset. But we have a plan.

YANBU OP. Your DP is causing you MH problems and that needs addressing even if he is upset.

I don't think you two are good for each other anymore.

You may have been in the begginning, but after so long your needs have changed and you are no longer the support you were. Infact I get the impression you are two are more holding each other back.

Talk to your workers and see about moving out. You don't necessarily need to break up, but the dynamic in your household suggests you both will be better working on your own problems apart.

I suspect this relationship is now contributing to your depression, rather than supporting you. In fact I wonder if it ever really supported you, or if it was just that you were in such dire straits when you met him that anything was better than what you had.

There are really huge red flags for me around all this. He met you when you were so young and so vulnerable - so very much younger than him, still a child really, albeit at the age of consent... I think if you've never lived any of your adult life independently of him, you cannot really know how good this relationship really is for you.

You say "I need to make the best of it" but the truth is, you don't. You don't have to stay with him. You don't have to give your whole life over to this man. I know that the thought of not being with him must be very scary for you, but I think it would be so good for you just to entertain the idea of not staying with him forever. Just think the thought, let it be there in your mind, even if the idea of acting on it right now is terrifying.

Some of what he's doing actually sounds emotionally abusive, and I think if you could break out of this stranglehold of thinking there's nothing and no one else out there for you, you will one day be able to see that for yourself. If you've never really been nurtured (and I suspect you haven't) then how can you know what it feels like?

You are so young, with so much time ahead of you. I don't know you but I feel sad at the thought of you staying in this situation indefinitely. I don't think he is going to change and start listening to you and behaving reasonably. Is this really how you want the rest of your life to be?

Ps as others have said, his behaviour is classically passive aggressive, and to refer to your thread title, you haven't hurt his feelings at all, you've been beyond reasonable. He has hurt your feelings, in fact he's steamrollered all over them, and I suspect this isn't the only area where he does that. This kind of behaviour is really difficult for someone with robust mental health to cope with, never mind someone with MH issues. I feel for you, I really do.

If you have enough money to get someone in to finish the kitchen, use it to get yourself out of this relationship and out of his house. I will bet you a tenner that your mental health will improve dramatically within six months.

I think you are totally emotionally entwined with him and co-dependent but that's not the same as love. I also think that you believe your health issues mean you're lucky to have him, which is not true. I'm assuming your family situation wasn't great, if you accidentally moved out at 16.
I'm sorry but I see him as a predator. He took a very unwell child (a teenage one, but still a child) and groomed you to the point that you are unable to contemplate leaving him. His behaviour sounds unbearable and whether it's due to illness or abusiveness the fact is that it's not making you better is it?
What did your family think about you moving in with a 35 year old when you were 16?

I'm not really sure how my parents felt about it (he was 37, not that it's that different from 35) - oddly enough, my family situation wasn't bad at all. Normal loving middle-class household. But I was very unwell, had already been ill for over a year and had made several serious suicide attempts, and I think they hoped that a change of environment might help my state of mind. Some people in my family say I did improve over the next couple of years, that being with DP did help me, but I suppose teenagers change a lot anyway.

I feel like the world's biggest dripfeeder - I really did intend to post about how to deal with this DIY stuff, and not being able to talk about it properly with DP. I'm not sure I'm ready to properly consider such a radical change as setting up on my own, even assuming I can recover from my current episode of ill-health.

Talking, you're right, I really don't want the rest of my life to be like this.

Not that being middle-class is relevant, of course.

I think your will find your MH will get better if you leave.

When did he develop his depression ? Before or after yours?

My dad developed it after my mum did. I don't believe his was real. My mum was hospitalised many times my dad was just flat and low. Which we can all get - I think he was just feeding off her.

The whole house sounds a mess and that will make you feel worse . Can you not get a flat to give you some breathing and thinking space ?

We both had depression before we met.

Even if I wanted to move out, financially I would struggle a great deal. I have savings but they'd be eaten up by housing costs in no time. I wouldn't have the first idea how to go about any of it. I would also be alone, which I have no idea how to cope with either practically or emotionally. I don't think leaving is on the cards - DP is very important to me.

Tinted if you're unable to work due to your mental health then you will be entitled to certain benefits, including housing benefit to pay some/ all of your rent so please don't let finances dictate that you stay where you are.

I think that without giving it a go - being by yourself and seeing how you do cope - you would be doing yourself an injustice to say you couldn't manage. I think you will be pleasantly surprised at just how well you do cope in a home of your own without unfinished renovations and your partner's sulks to deal with. I think it would be very freeing for you.

I do get ESA and DLA at the moment. The DLA is because I need a fair bit of help with quite a few aspects of daily life, especially when I'm unwell (though not as much as before - I used to get more DLA but get less now as I informed them that I'd improved).

I don't think leaving DP is on the cards at the moment but you've all given me a lot to think about regarding independence and learning to cope with more things myself. For example, I don't really know what savings I have or where the paperwork is etc. - DP has been dealing with that stuff for me in recent years. I think there's more than one account but I would have to ask. Also things like learning to use the washing machine would be handy

I think I need to expand my social circle more, too. I'm hoping to start a course this year which may help.

Thanks so much to you all for helping me think through things and not getting impatient with me

You sound completely trapped. I do not like the idea of you not knowing anything about your financial situation which your DP "is dealing with".

I don't think either of you are in a place to be able to sort out the mess around you without a lot of support which he probably wouldn't accept anyway.

How have you become so dependent on him that you can't use the washing machine?

The dynamics of your relationship seem very unusual.

I know this might be hard to hear but the whole situation sounds toxic and you don't sound like your good for each other. You sound really stuck in the mire.

You may not feel that you are mentally strong enough to make massive changes to the structure of your life, but if you can find the inner strength to disentangle yourself emotional to some extent, so that you can truly focus on yourself and your needs, I think that would help. It sounds like you are constantly reacting to his moods and feelings. Maybe a book like Codependent No More would help you get some clarity?

this doesn't sound like living together is doing either of you any good, even though you are both unwell you should not have to feel like your walking on eggshells all the time. I think you need to move out and give each other a little space. the house isn't going to get done given the state of your DPs health - he needs to accept he cant do or isn't going to do it and you should get someone in to do it for you - its not a failure on his part - 1000s of people get someone in to do these kinds of jobs for them - its completely normal.

Things do sound so difficult for you. I hope this current episode of depression comes to an end soon, you say it goes in cycles so that may be a reasonable expectation?

It's good that you're hoping to start a course, too.

May I ask how you met your DP? You say you moved across the country to live with him, just wondering how you came to know him in the first place.

I hope I am getting better - yes, it goes in cycles, but, I hope, with a generally upward trajectory.

I met DP in an online depression support group. I was going through a strange episode and during that time met up with several very unsuitable men I'd met online (from previously having no history of being wild or interested in men).

I had a talk with DP today about the possibility of selling the house as it is or getting someone in to do the kitchen and it didn't go too badly - he did seem to withdraw a bit but at least I've said something.

Well, if that really is progress, then I'm glad for you; and well done to you for saying something.

But I don't think your DP is ever going to really change. You've said yourself that he's given up on ever working again, he makes agreements with you and then breaks them, but can't handle it and gets upset if you then call him on it - he sounds like a man who doesn't really know how to take responsibility for himself.

Obviously you have opted out of certain responsibilities too, but you were a child when this relationship started and he was already well into adulthood, there's a big difference, and you also sound like you have a maturity and a wish to take action and see things change that he just doesn't have, despite being so much older.

You say you don't want the rest of your life to be like this, but I can't see it being any different. It's not up to you and it's not within your power to change him, to make him act reasonably. He has to want to make that change himself, he has to take the initiative.

I think it could do you a world of good to talk to a psychotherapist and I hope that does come together for you. I think there are many things that you accept as being normal in your life simply because you have no experience of anything else - I have this impression of you as being cloistered, first in your parents' home, and then in his, but never being out there in the world on your own terms.

But if you had more points of reference, you might learn that things you thought were normal were in fact not that great. I can't say how dreadful I think it is that your parents just went along with you moving across the country to be with a 37yo man you'd met online, when you were only 16 and suicidally depressed.

That sounds to me like an utter abnegation of responsibility, and perhaps explains why you were attracted to and are comfortable with a man who doesn't really understand responsibility either.

I understand you saying you can't contemplate leaving him. But it really is a question of how much of your life do you want to spend like this, and it's not going to get any easier, the longer you stay with him. Seeing as the idea is so overwhelming though maybe the best plan in the short term is to work on being as independent as you can, go ahead with trying to broaden your social circle, and just float the idea in your head that there might be a life for you without him. I'm not talking about making any decisions, just being prepared to let the door open a chink instead of being so firmly closed.

You come across as intelligent and thoughtful, you write well and clearly, so despite your lack of qualifications you undoubtedly have potential for doing much more with your life, and the course you are thinking of doing would be a great start. What kind of course is it?

It's an access course, an alternative to A-levels for adults without qualifications who want to do higher education. Only I haven't quite decided what to study yet! The interview at the college is next week.

I'm thinking of showing this thread to my social worker to see what she thinks (although I guess she may not have time to read it all).

An access course sounds like a great idea. Do you have to decide what HE cousre you would ultimately want to study now, or is there some openness/flexibility within the access course? What options are you considering?

Good luck at the interview, anyway - I'm sure you're a great candidate! Like I said before, you're articulate and clearly bright and my guess is that in terms of ability, you would have quite naturally done A levels and then gone on to Uni at 18, if you hadn't had the MH issues.

It might be a good idea to show this thread to your SW, yes. It's not that long really! I guess she could advise you on what your entitlement would be to different benefits and so on if your circumstances did change, what support you might be eligible for.

Given how bad you say things have been recently for you with the depression, you seem like you're doing really well at the moment. Take a moment to give yourself a pat on the back, if you can!

Thanks for the encouragement, Talking. You're right, it was kind of assumed by people around me when I was a teen that i would go to university. It's amazing how easy it is to drop off-track. For lots of my friends and family, A-levels and university were just things that happened as a natural progression, though of course they worked very hard, too.

The course I want to do would I think be a general humanities course - I think there are a few different types of HE course that accept a humanities access course. I don't believe I have it in me to study sciences. I don't know how I will come across to the course tutors - it's harder in person when there's no time to rewrite what you want to say.

I need to work out how I will get to college if I do start a course, though - I sold my car as I stopped driving several years ago. I can't walk there, it's too far. I wondered about learning to ride a motorbike but DP isn't keen and it scares me a little.

Are there not any buses? Are you in a very rural area? You could look at getting a little moped - not as "risky" as a motorcycle but could get you there and back (and much cheaper on petrol than a car!)

TBH I think your relationship and the age you were when it started has made you quite vulnerable to manipulation by this man. I think it would be a good idea to show your SW this thread (or just copy and paste some relevant parts of it.)

Buses are a possibility - irritatingly, it's across a county border and although it's a short journey it has to be done via another local town's bus station with a change, so it takes a surprisingly long time, but it's doable. I'm not keen, though, which is why I was wondering about a bike. A moped would be bad as the route involves dual carriageway and I don't fancy that at a max speed of 29mph so I was thinking about a 125cc bike which I could ride with L plates on my driving licence. You're right about the petrol costs too.

It all depends on me getting on the course and not getting ill in the meantime, though, neither of which are by any means certain.

I don't see my social worker until next week unfortunately. Lots of time to stew.