Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

advice

64 replies

banner123 · 19/03/2015 09:38

I would like some advice please on what to do about my current situation. I have been with my partner for 5 years and from the offset we have had a rocky relationship, he has a very short temper and flys off the handle at any given thing. In the past when he has lost his temper he has: smashed things, raised his fists to me , broke my stuff, threatened to kick my head in , calls me names, locked my in a bedroom for hours. He is rarely sorry for his behaviour and the aftermath can be a nightmare as he blames me for making him loose his temper, I said this, I looked at him a funny way etc. I have 3 boys from my previous marriage and we also argue about parenting them, in the past he has been aggressive to the children and he feels I am too soft. On the flip side I wont say I am perfect , we had a difficult year last year and i miscarried triplets (the day before my hospital appointment for pre op for operation btw which was also my birthday he left me for 4 days over an argument over money) then his mother died and I started to feel i wasnt coping, I was asking him for help in the evenings just maybe washing the dishes this turned into an almighty issue with him smashing stuff and being angry and the arguements went on all year. There has been 2 occasions I have had to call the police. We decided to move house and I got help with my feelings of depression and anxiety, I had counselling and have been prescribed citrolopram , the day we moved into our new house in november we had a disagrement over water coming from the bathroom, he said its the kids splashing too much I said i thought it was a different problem (i turned out to be correct ) he flew of the handle at this disagrement shouting swearing and left me again for 4 days to deal with everything in the new house. We dealt with this and recently I have been very happy I have been trying to make new friends deal with my issues, then valentines day he flipped again and ruined my evening because I made a comment about his family then on friday i was trying to be frivalous with him asking him to take his top off he quickly got angry and I realised the situation had turned sour and I told him not to worry it doesnt matter, I went the toilet came back down and he was shouting and swearing , i ignored him and went to bed he came into the bed ranting on , next day i went to work and he was sending me nasty text messages , which i ignored , sunday it was mothers day and my little one had agreed with him to make me breakfast in bed but he disappeared off out for most of the day, with my little one asking where he was so he could make my breakfast. Then i just flipped i walked out the house and went to the pub and got really drunk , i shouldnt drink alcohol in great amounts on the tablets as i get massive blackouts, I had an argument with a girl in the pub and woke up with a very bruised hand, I cant remember most of the night but i am guessing i done something really bad i can get aggressive when i have a lot to drink and i feel really anxious and ashamed for the things i mite have done, he wont talk to me and i dont want to approach him as i dont want him kicking off, i tried to phone him but he wouldnt answer, yesterday morning he smashed my lamp and picture and this morning he was walking round the house calling me a bitch, the children were asleep so i dont think they heard, i dont know if i should tell him to leave or try to talk to him , i feel every time i try to get peace in my life he ruins it and i know my behaviour on sunday was disgraceful i just dont know what to do struggling to cope

OP posts:
Nolim · 19/03/2015 09:44

In this long post there is not even a single hint of a good thing about this guy. Please get away from him.

Witchofthenorth · 19/03/2015 09:50

Well, setting aside you getting drunk the other night and perhaps doing something aggressive, the answer is plain. You need to get out if this relationship for you and your children's safety, NOW!

This isn't healthy, and it most certainly is not safe. You have already had to call the police out, how long will it be before he puts you in hospital?

When you flipped out and went to the pub, was he home again at this time?

Does anyone in real life know the dynamics of you relationship?

Read back your post OP and ask yourself what you would say of this was a friend or your daughter in this position. This is not right and no way to live. This relationship is abusive, you need to go.

theendoftheendoftheend · 19/03/2015 09:55

Your whole post barely mentions your DC in all this at all.
Was he with your DC when you went to the pub?
It sounds like a very damaging situation for you all to be in. IME it only gets worse Flowers

banner123 · 19/03/2015 09:57

hi thanks for your replies yes when i went to the pub he was home , my family know a lot of the issues we have had, i had to call my dad once when he flipped and was threatening to smash my head in , he advised my to lock the doors and phone the police which i did, sorry what is DC?

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 19/03/2015 10:02

Dc = darling/dear children.

CunningCat · 19/03/2015 10:02

Dear Children
If your family know will they help you to leave him? He is abusing you and the DC. You really need to get out of this toxic relationship now. I suspect when you do you will find a vast improvement in your mental health Flowers

CunningCat · 19/03/2015 10:03

X post with pocket!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2015 10:12

What is in this for you, what are you getting from this?.

There is nothing at all good about this relationship at all in your post. The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship anyway is NONE.

Relationships that have been rocky from the beginning is a relationship that should have ended a long time ago.

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships here, that this is how a couple behaves in a relationship?. You and by turn your children are being abused by this man. Smashing up your things is domestic violence as well. If you do want peace in your life then you need to live your life without this man in it.

Womens Aid would be worth talking to now on 0808 2000 247.

pocketsaviour · 19/03/2015 10:14

Your husband is abusing you and you need help to leave. Please have a read through this post as I am sure you will find a description of him there:
Abuser Profiles

Do your parents live close by, are they supportive? Can they offer any practical help if you take the kids and go?

Please call Women's Aid who will help you realise how much more you deserve than this violent, aggressive bully. You can call them on 0808 2000 247, it's free from a landline.

PandorasToyBox · 19/03/2015 10:28

I got to your 3rd sentence and feel that just on that alone you really need to get you and your dc away from this abusive poisonous excuse for a human being.

Womans aid is your friend here, also contact your gp to log your emotional health (you should be able to access counselling through your gp), police.....log his abuse and take their advise seriously. Get a 'paper trail' in place, you may need this should you need any legal help.

Get out now before he ends up killing either you or the dc......it is that serious.

banner123 · 19/03/2015 10:33

Hi i have my family close by they help me a lot with the children etc, We rent a house so I think i would ask him to leave but i would struggle financially, I guess he has it so ingrained in my head that the problems are my fault , he says the problem in the relationship is my drinking alcohol, but he looses his temper at things whether or not I have been drinking alcohol, so i dont believe this to be true although of course my actions on sunday were totally out of order and out of character

OP posts:
Nolim · 19/03/2015 10:41

my actions on sunday were totally out of order and out of character

Is he ever in order and in character? And i mean good character?

Witchofthenorth · 19/03/2015 11:20

Maybe they were banner, but his actions throughout this entire relationship are out of order .

I would advise you as previous posters have done, to contact women's aid. Pull on your family and let them help you break free. This is not going to end well if you stay to try and fix it.

Don't worry about the financials, there is help out there. You need to deal with him first, your fiancées after.

Would he leave willingly? If not, you need to get some stuff together and leave with your children. Go to your parents. I know it's hard lovely, and I don't mean to sound all preachy, but he is not a good man, good partner or good role model to your children. You deserve better and your mental health may improve once you are not living with him.

You know what you need to do....and there are tons of us here to hold your hand if you need Flowers

banner123 · 19/03/2015 18:15

i am not sure if he would leave if i asked him, i would have no were to go with my 3 children my parents places are all too small, feeling very anxious about what is going to happen tonight when he comes home i dont think i can cope with anymore aggression, am struggling to eat and get through the day

OP posts:
Nolim · 19/03/2015 18:22

Are you fearing for your safety op?

banner123 · 19/03/2015 18:34

he has never actually hit me , just threats and near misses when he throws things and grabbing my wrists , what worries me is he's so disorientated with life, like he can't think straight very up and down he cant see the logic in things, he is a heavy skunk user and i think this is down to that , and i do worry he could just really flip

OP posts:
busybreeze · 19/03/2015 19:11

He has been aggressive to your kids? That was the day you should have left and never gone back! Find the strength to put your own vulnerable self and your demons to one side for a moment, you must deal with them tho! You must get rid of him now!!!!! For the kids sake! I say this in the nicest possible way but there is no way you can continue with this man in your life without the kids being seriously effected. They are what matters and you are the only one that can protect them and save THEM from this missery! As you know life isnt really about you and your feelings when your a mum, its always about doing the best you can for your kids and in this situation your going to screw life up for you all!

Canyouforgiveher · 19/03/2015 19:17

normal relationships are not like this.

Apart from what you deserve from life, your children should not be living with this aggressive, violent, unpredictable man.

You should call women's aid to get advice about getting him out in a safe way.

banner123 · 19/03/2015 19:54

Thanks guys have plucked up the courage to text him and tell him not to come here as i am not putting up with him smashing things and being abusive

OP posts:
Nolim · 19/03/2015 19:58

If he becomes violent call the police. Do not let him endanger you or your dc.

banner123 · 19/03/2015 20:12

yeh he has been aggressive towards them numerous times, very early on in the relationship i caught him forcing the dummy into the babies mouth nd holding it there to stop him from crying, he was threw something at my eldest son a box of jelly beans on xmas day, he grabbed my middle son by the neck and frightened him so much he went and hid under his bed , he used to pin my son down in his bed to stop him getting up, only 2 weeks ago he was trying to get my 6 year old in his bedroom and he kinda put two hands on the doorway and flicked both his legs out towards him, the kick didnt reach him though , i was also very ill the other week and bedridden and he was struggling to get them ready for school they can be a handful and he told them to piss off, the more i wrte on here and read it back i realiose how bad it sounds

OP posts:
Charley50 · 19/03/2015 20:17

I'm sorry. he is awful. He could have killed your son when he grabbed him by the neck. He needs to go and you will probably need to involve the police. He sounds completely out of control. As you have texted him now I would probably ask a family member round to help you.

banner123 · 19/03/2015 20:22

i did think of asking my dad round but you know i feel embarrased and ashamed, no ones going to know the truth all he will tell them about is how i went out and got really drunk and done whatever it was i done , i feel embarrased to tell the truth and let people know what i put up , my mum would say i am very strong but i dont feel it

OP posts:
banner123 · 19/03/2015 21:42

hes just been here aggressive and violent i asked him to leave he wouldnt he has took my little dog who i love dearly spat in my face and raised his fists to me

OP posts:
banner123 · 19/03/2015 21:44

oh i just asked my son what he feels about us seperating he said he liked him up until 2 weeks ago when he kicked him twice :-(

OP posts: