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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

advice

64 replies

banner123 · 19/03/2015 09:38

I would like some advice please on what to do about my current situation. I have been with my partner for 5 years and from the offset we have had a rocky relationship, he has a very short temper and flys off the handle at any given thing. In the past when he has lost his temper he has: smashed things, raised his fists to me , broke my stuff, threatened to kick my head in , calls me names, locked my in a bedroom for hours. He is rarely sorry for his behaviour and the aftermath can be a nightmare as he blames me for making him loose his temper, I said this, I looked at him a funny way etc. I have 3 boys from my previous marriage and we also argue about parenting them, in the past he has been aggressive to the children and he feels I am too soft. On the flip side I wont say I am perfect , we had a difficult year last year and i miscarried triplets (the day before my hospital appointment for pre op for operation btw which was also my birthday he left me for 4 days over an argument over money) then his mother died and I started to feel i wasnt coping, I was asking him for help in the evenings just maybe washing the dishes this turned into an almighty issue with him smashing stuff and being angry and the arguements went on all year. There has been 2 occasions I have had to call the police. We decided to move house and I got help with my feelings of depression and anxiety, I had counselling and have been prescribed citrolopram , the day we moved into our new house in november we had a disagrement over water coming from the bathroom, he said its the kids splashing too much I said i thought it was a different problem (i turned out to be correct ) he flew of the handle at this disagrement shouting swearing and left me again for 4 days to deal with everything in the new house. We dealt with this and recently I have been very happy I have been trying to make new friends deal with my issues, then valentines day he flipped again and ruined my evening because I made a comment about his family then on friday i was trying to be frivalous with him asking him to take his top off he quickly got angry and I realised the situation had turned sour and I told him not to worry it doesnt matter, I went the toilet came back down and he was shouting and swearing , i ignored him and went to bed he came into the bed ranting on , next day i went to work and he was sending me nasty text messages , which i ignored , sunday it was mothers day and my little one had agreed with him to make me breakfast in bed but he disappeared off out for most of the day, with my little one asking where he was so he could make my breakfast. Then i just flipped i walked out the house and went to the pub and got really drunk , i shouldnt drink alcohol in great amounts on the tablets as i get massive blackouts, I had an argument with a girl in the pub and woke up with a very bruised hand, I cant remember most of the night but i am guessing i done something really bad i can get aggressive when i have a lot to drink and i feel really anxious and ashamed for the things i mite have done, he wont talk to me and i dont want to approach him as i dont want him kicking off, i tried to phone him but he wouldnt answer, yesterday morning he smashed my lamp and picture and this morning he was walking round the house calling me a bitch, the children were asleep so i dont think they heard, i dont know if i should tell him to leave or try to talk to him , i feel every time i try to get peace in my life he ruins it and i know my behaviour on sunday was disgraceful i just dont know what to do struggling to cope

OP posts:
banner123 · 20/03/2015 21:21

have managed to get through the day , bought some nytol and a bottle of wine , cooked dinner kids settled, i told my dad to take him his stuff tomorrow as I am too tired with it all and i am taking kids to cinema so it can be dealt with when i am out of the house, i feel so ashamed to reveal to my family what i have dealt with , i feel ashamed to have stayed with him and feel ashamed i have failed them as a mother, my little one keeps asking when he can see him to say goodbye , heart wrenching xx

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 20/03/2015 21:37

Banner change the lock tomorrow.

He'll try threats to begin with and no doubt if that doesn't work he'll try another tact. Stay strong.

Not sure nytol mixed with wine is a good idea. Take care of yourself x

Cloudhowe63 · 20/03/2015 21:40

Well done for getting him out, banner. Don't blame yourself for his problems and don't feel embarrassed what others might think. People who matter won't care and other people don't matter. Keeping yourself and LOs safe is far more important. Him blaming you for his aggression just shows the scale of his problem. He is not taking any responsibility because he can blame you or your children. You can't do that for him and it makes him dangerous. Wishing you strength. Your family sound great.

Snoozybird · 20/03/2015 22:01

Please don't blame the situation on you getting drunk, whilst not ideal it has no bearing whatsoever on the violence your little boys have suffered from this horrible bully which proves the issue is with him not you. And it's a bit rich of him to criticise you for drinking when he himself is a heavy skunk user.

Don't be afraid to open up to your family and ignore the gossips, remember the saying "those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter".

Stay strong Flowers

Snoozybird · 20/03/2015 22:02

Sorry cross posted with you cloud I type way too slow!

Vivacia · 20/03/2015 22:10

Well done on getting him out of the house and away.

I'd stop worrying about what he might be telling people and start focusing on looking after your children. I think you need professional support with parenting. Are there any sources of support locally?

Cloudhowe63 · 20/03/2015 22:41

Great minds, snoozy Grin. Agree with MomeRaths about changing locks if you think he has key. Even if you get it back now you can't be sure he hasn't made a copy. Can you put a bolt on the door in the meantime?

banner123 · 21/03/2015 18:50

well all his stuff has gone now and after a terrible day I now feel a little better this is down to my children telling their father what my now ex had done to them and he has gone ballistic , i also feel better as it puts my side of the story out there, also my eldest (15)said he stopped liking him a long time ago because he was an angry man, i never knew he felt that way but i was always aware they had a poor relationship, i have also already asked for help with parenting from the childrens school as my youngest (6)strugglings to do what he's told and is aggressive and breaks stuff, my family say this will be the influence he has had, tomorrow i am going to clean through my , go for a long walk with the dog and try to focus my mind of this situation

OP posts:
Vivacia · 21/03/2015 18:57

Walking is a good idea, clears your head as you say.

You seem surprised that your son didn't like a man who brought domestic violence in to his home.

banner123 · 21/03/2015 19:19

i know i feel really bad i am only just starting to see the reality of the situation , it didnt feel like domestic violence when it was happening ,it was just like normal he made out it was me , i probably believed that a lot of the time and i had to accept it

OP posts:
Vivacia · 21/03/2015 19:32

I really think you need professional help to deal with these realisations as you escape from the abuse and dysfunction.

Have you heard from him?

banner123 · 21/03/2015 20:11

no i have heard nothing from him , I made contact with a dv centre and hopefully they will be in touch monday x

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 23/03/2015 10:16

Good luck today banner I hope you get some DV support in place soon.
I hope you had your long walk.
Keep talking to your family.
Call Womens Aid if you have no joy with other DV organisations.
Well done and keep going and keep strong.

MissMarplesBloomers · 25/03/2015 18:36

How are you doing Banner? :)

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