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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

advice

64 replies

banner123 · 19/03/2015 09:38

I would like some advice please on what to do about my current situation. I have been with my partner for 5 years and from the offset we have had a rocky relationship, he has a very short temper and flys off the handle at any given thing. In the past when he has lost his temper he has: smashed things, raised his fists to me , broke my stuff, threatened to kick my head in , calls me names, locked my in a bedroom for hours. He is rarely sorry for his behaviour and the aftermath can be a nightmare as he blames me for making him loose his temper, I said this, I looked at him a funny way etc. I have 3 boys from my previous marriage and we also argue about parenting them, in the past he has been aggressive to the children and he feels I am too soft. On the flip side I wont say I am perfect , we had a difficult year last year and i miscarried triplets (the day before my hospital appointment for pre op for operation btw which was also my birthday he left me for 4 days over an argument over money) then his mother died and I started to feel i wasnt coping, I was asking him for help in the evenings just maybe washing the dishes this turned into an almighty issue with him smashing stuff and being angry and the arguements went on all year. There has been 2 occasions I have had to call the police. We decided to move house and I got help with my feelings of depression and anxiety, I had counselling and have been prescribed citrolopram , the day we moved into our new house in november we had a disagrement over water coming from the bathroom, he said its the kids splashing too much I said i thought it was a different problem (i turned out to be correct ) he flew of the handle at this disagrement shouting swearing and left me again for 4 days to deal with everything in the new house. We dealt with this and recently I have been very happy I have been trying to make new friends deal with my issues, then valentines day he flipped again and ruined my evening because I made a comment about his family then on friday i was trying to be frivalous with him asking him to take his top off he quickly got angry and I realised the situation had turned sour and I told him not to worry it doesnt matter, I went the toilet came back down and he was shouting and swearing , i ignored him and went to bed he came into the bed ranting on , next day i went to work and he was sending me nasty text messages , which i ignored , sunday it was mothers day and my little one had agreed with him to make me breakfast in bed but he disappeared off out for most of the day, with my little one asking where he was so he could make my breakfast. Then i just flipped i walked out the house and went to the pub and got really drunk , i shouldnt drink alcohol in great amounts on the tablets as i get massive blackouts, I had an argument with a girl in the pub and woke up with a very bruised hand, I cant remember most of the night but i am guessing i done something really bad i can get aggressive when i have a lot to drink and i feel really anxious and ashamed for the things i mite have done, he wont talk to me and i dont want to approach him as i dont want him kicking off, i tried to phone him but he wouldnt answer, yesterday morning he smashed my lamp and picture and this morning he was walking round the house calling me a bitch, the children were asleep so i dont think they heard, i dont know if i should tell him to leave or try to talk to him , i feel every time i try to get peace in my life he ruins it and i know my behaviour on sunday was disgraceful i just dont know what to do struggling to cope

OP posts:
flatbellyfella · 19/03/2015 21:56

You need to contact Women's Aid as soon as possible, you can take yourself off with your children to a safe Women's Refuge, it won't cost you anything.

Original poster
banner123 · 19/03/2015 22:19

its ok i have my family here and they have spoke to him he said he wont come back

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 19/03/2015 22:33

So OP can you take a step back from this and look at it from your childrens point of view.

This relationship is bad. Bad. Bad your poor children are witnessing abuse and learning from your relationship model.

It is all well and good that you love this man but what about your poor children, do you really think that they don't see the negative dynamics in your relationship? It's ok because you can choose who to bring in your home but your children have no say in the things that you bring into their life.

This relationship is bad for them and bad for you.

Original poster
banner123 · 19/03/2015 23:15

onwards and up wards i feel excited about a life with no crap in it , i still embarrased telling my family what i have put up and i know he'll be slaggin me off to everyone like its all my fault, my brother has gone to try and get the dog off him and i feel so sorry for my children who i have let down

OP posts:
TisILeclerc · 19/03/2015 23:24

Yeah you have let your kids down but you know what? So did I. So did lots of other folk on here.

Now you're doing the right thing - putting them first and getting shot of this violent abusive bully.

Stay strong banner. Its pretty much certain that he'll try to get you to change your mind by promising you the world. He can't give you the world. He can't give you anything. Please cling tight to the fact that if you stay away he can't hurt your kids. They need you to be strong now. Good luck. Feel free to use us as you need. There's a lot of collective wisdom on here xx

Original poster
banner123 · 19/03/2015 23:41

thankyou everyone for your kind words, my brother has been and got my dog and i will get his stuff packed tomorrow and take it to him x

OP posts:
TisILeclerc · 20/03/2015 06:26

If there is no other way to get his stuff back to him then at least please ensure you have company. Don't go alone.

Also please change your locks.

43percentburnt · 20/03/2015 06:47

Do not take his stuff to him alone. He will want to meet up with you, he may then try and talk you round. Get someone else to return his stuff.

Original poster
banner123 · 20/03/2015 07:04

my dad is taking it today and he has give his keys back to my brother, felt awful all night wishing none of it had happened if only i hadnt gone out and drunk everything would be ok

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/03/2015 07:14

"I felt awful all night wishing none of it had happened if only i hadnt gone out and drunk everything would be ok"

Enough with the if only. If only your man could behave decently in the first place towards you!. You have been in a relationship where domestic violence has featured throughout.

The above thought of yours is not correct at all, the man would have an argument with himself in an empty room. It is not your fault he is like this; you did not make him this way. Apart from anything else your relationship with this man has been rocky from the very beginning. Its not you, its him.

I would suggest you look at the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid asap as this could seriously help you go forward. Such men like this person can take a long time, years even, to recover from.

MissMarplesBloomers · 20/03/2015 07:16

No maybe you shouldn't have gone & got bladdered but bloody hell if there was ever a woman at the end of her tether it was you sweeetheart so don't think about that for a minute.

Keep saying to yourself IT IS NOT MY FAULT . Thing about abusers is they always make you feel in the wrong & after a while it becomes second nature to blame yourself.

Congratulations on getting that waste of space out & protecting your kids,sounds like you have a good supportive family don't feel ashamed to ask them for help . Good luck!

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 20/03/2015 07:18

I think it was the best thing that could happen. You've reached rock bottom, the only way is up now.

Your kids can live in a peaceful, safe environment away from him and so can you.

Find out who you are, what you like doing, treat yourself, be kind to yourself, get counselling, see your GP if your meds need adjusting. The future is bright I promise.

I'm a lone parent with 2 DCs and I can tell you life does get better. Please don't take him back when he starts promising he's changed.

Witchofthenorth · 20/03/2015 11:03

"If only" nothing! That's bullshit and you know it. He is an abusive bully and I am so pleased you found the courage to end this. Pull on your family, you and your kids have a much much better future ahead of you. Much love and hugs and hand holding x

hellsbellsmelons · 20/03/2015 11:06

Oh bless you.
You really think that you drinking once recently has caused this?
Well it hasn't.
He is a nasty abusive arsehole and the sooner you can come to terms with that the better.
Keep reading your previous posts.
He abused you and your children.
Please please please contact Womens Aid for some support and help to deal with this.
And you absolutely must enrol on their Freedom Programme.
Your boundaries are all over the place and HE has done that!
You are not seeing so much abuse and so many red flags but they can help you see them for future relationships.
I'm very pleased your family are around to help support you.
Make sure you block his number, block him from social media and email.
He will continue his abuse and manipulation if he can contact you.
Keep going and try to be strong. It will be hard to start with but you will realise soon how much better you and your DC are without this awful, vile, bully in your lives.
Well done getting him out.

Original poster
banner123 · 20/03/2015 11:16

i feel so sick and faint i am so worried what people with think of my as no one but my family know what he is like and he;ll be telling them all i am a lunatic i am bagging his stuff up now and my dad is taking it for me to him , i am also going to my local domestic violence centre with my mum now and hopefully they will help my with things, thanks for your responses they have helpedx

OP posts:
Original poster
banner123 · 20/03/2015 11:16

feel so sick and faint i am so worried what people with think of my as no one but my family know what he is like and he;ll be telling them all i am a lunatic i am bagging his stuff up now and my dad is taking it for me to him , i am also going to my local domestic violence centre with my mum now and hopefully they will help my with things, thanks for your responses they have helpedx

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 20/03/2015 11:32

You now need to stop giving a shiny shite what others think about this.
This was your life, your battle, what you went through.
Don't worry about others. Just worry about getting yourself back on track and looking after you and your DC.
You can let people know what it was really like, if and when you are ready.
That's not a bridge you to worry about right now.
So glad your mum is supporting you and the people at the DV centre can help you a lot.
You are incredibly brave and strong - keep going!

PandorasToyBox · 20/03/2015 15:50

Keep strong op, you are doing great.

One step at a time and allow yourself to feel the emotions that you feel, you will be ok. Be kind to yourself.

Very glad to hear that you have support.

pocketsaviour · 20/03/2015 15:58

Banner please call the police, you need help. If he is still there please call 999 and tell them he is threatening to hit you and has hurt your dog. If he's gone please call 101 and ask for the domestic violence unit. Please do this now. they will help you keep him out. You must not let this man threaten you or your children.

and please call your parents, I know it's embarrassing but they love you I'm sure and will support you.

pocketsaviour · 20/03/2015 15:59

Oops sorry didn't realise there was a page two. I'm so glad you're safe!!

Original poster
banner123 · 20/03/2015 18:24

i went to the local dv centre and it had shut down so i came home and found another one and phoned and she wasnt very helpful she said the outreach worker would phone me monday didnt even ask anything about the issues i will be working all day monday so wont get the call, my mum and dad have gone now and after feeling a bit better this afternoon by using deep breathing and mindfullness tactics and thinking about how i can improve my life in the future , now i am starting to fall apart, he's been on the phone to my dad telling him that when i come in really drunk i hit him and he's going to phone the police , i dont remember , i spoke to my son who was awake and he said i came in and played with the dog in the hall then went downstairs and then my son feel asleep, i am thinking if there was a big ructus with hitting etc that he wouldnt have just falled asleep, the police havent come yet but my brother said not to worry as when they do they will have on record the times he was violent to me and i called the police, feel awful now heads all over the place

OP posts:
Witchofthenorth · 20/03/2015 18:55

This is him trying to manipulate banner...please stay strong.
Your brother is right, they will have a record of the times they have attended because of him. He is trying to mess with your head, make you question yourself in order for him to take back control...please, you can do this. You have come so far and have done well in keeping things together. Trust your family.

We are all still with you banner Flowers

Original poster
banner123 · 20/03/2015 19:22

thankyou so much , my dad gave me the keys he gave to him and when i tried them in the back door it doesnt fit so he must have took the correct key off and kept it , my brother has blocked the door with wood but i am worried now why would he do this

OP posts:
Original poster
banner123 · 20/03/2015 19:24

i'd be lost right now without my family they are amazing i really feel for people who have no support networks

OP posts:
cardiandcrocs · 20/03/2015 19:34

Yes you do Banner. You have us. Keep talking. Don't PLEASE let him back. Protect your children.