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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL acting like dd's mum..

69 replies

Tonicandgin · 17/03/2015 21:37

Since my 18mth old dd was born my MIL has been obsessed with her. Now, I love that she loves her, but I mean she regularly steps way over the line between being her gp and my role as her mum.

Dd is the 5th grandchild on that side so she's not PFB, but it's actually stopping me being her mum when she's around. I find it hard to give a specific example of tbh, as it's all the time, but, I've been away from dd for a few days and have told MIL that I've missed dd and looking forward to spending some time with her. When I go to see her and get her from her nap and dd's sitting on my knee, MIL constantly talked to her and distracted her away from what I am doing. And this continued throughout the day so I ended up giving up.

This happens all the time. It's like I'm not allowed to talk to dd or interact with her in any way when MIL is around.

It's madness ..

DM loves dd but doesn't behave in the same way, so I don't think it's just a case of gps being a bit over keen. She seems quite controlling...

OP posts:
cleanmyhouse · 17/03/2015 21:50

I think you have to pick your battles.

I had this same problem with my parents. All well meaning, all well intentioned, nothing hugely sinister or manipulative, just hugely enthusiastic, sometimes a bit territorial grand parenting. And I felt totally on edge the whole time waiting for it to happen so I think I fuelled it a bit.

I'm not sure what to suggest, the nly solution I found was to chill out about most things, but really put my foot down about more important things.

Original poster
Tonicandgin · 17/03/2015 22:03

Exactly that. Well meaning, very helpful but just doesn't let me just do the normal mum things. If it was my mum I'd tell her in a jokey way and she'd happily listen (eventually) but ils are a different ball game.

And now dd basically ignores me all the time when mil is around. It makes me feel like limiting contact, which I'm not going to do, but that's how it's making me feel. Sad

OP posts:
FlabbyMummy · 17/03/2015 22:05

What do you mean by "been away from DD for a few days"?

Casmama · 17/03/2015 22:08

How much time does your MIL spend with you/dd?

cleanmyhouse · 17/03/2015 22:09

If you feel like limiting contact, do it. But i'd try to find other ways of asserting your authority first. Try dealing with her the way you'd deal with your mum. If shes not getting it, you may have to come out and say it straight.

Consider how you're feeling around her, if you're uptight, your dd may be picking up on the tension. I think my two did. Try to figure whats worth getting uptight about and whats worth letting go.

whattodoowiththeleftoverturkey · 17/03/2015 22:12

Was your DD staying with MIL while you were away?

Original poster
Tonicandgin · 17/03/2015 22:16

I've been ill, so haven't seen her much but have heard her shouting mama round the house (dh has been doing all the childcare except today).

I am a bit uptight so that could be an issue, but I really don't want to limit contact. And I'm annoyed with myself for feeling that way tbh. They mean well and dd loves them, it's just that it feels like it undermines me and my role.

They do childcare once a week so not loads of time but enough to have a regular influence.

The way I'd respond to dm is probably different because I have a very different relationship with my mum. She's more jokey and laid back whereas I'd be more worried about offending mil as she's far more serious.

OP posts:
cleanmyhouse · 17/03/2015 22:24

I'd risk offending her. Its obviously making you unhappy. What does DH think? Does he see it?

Original poster
Tonicandgin · 17/03/2015 22:30

He's willing to have a word with her if necessary, but hasn't really been around to see it first hand or hasn't noticed.. (He's a bit oblivious to stuff like this, so I've asked him to watch next time we see them which is in a few days).

He's not great with confrontation though and I'm not sure if it's worse coming from him.

OP posts:
Phoenixashes · 18/03/2015 08:33

I think you need to empower yourself and re-set a few boundaries. Personally, your DH could speak to her but I think it would be more effective if you took control here.

My MIL like your MIL is like this with my SIL; she is well meaning, helpful but just doesn't listen to her. Whilst with my own children, I was very firm in setting boundaries from the offset.

My SIL would let my MIL do everything my MIL wanted when her children were babies, like feeding them, bathing them etc. This in it self is normal, but my MIL very slowly began to overstep boundaries. One time for instance, my DN was crying (she was a few months old) my SIL got up to take her out of the car seat, but before she could do that my MIL pushed her out of the way to get to the baby first......

When my DC were born I was quite firm in what my MIL could and could not do. Sometimes she fed them, sometimes she didn't. She now asks me 'is it ok if'.

If your MIL tries to distract DD if you are trying to cuddle her/play with her etc, then I would pick Dd up and walk to another room. I also would not 'give up' especially since she was doing this in your own home. Another thing you could do is say 'Oo toni MIL could you get me x,y,z for DD please'.....so you are bascially distracting your MIL away from Dd.

Rosieliveson · 18/03/2015 08:47

My MIL is a little like this too. The first day I brought my son home from hospital she took him from me saying "come to mummy" Angry I know it was just a slip up but it has proved itself Freudian.
I just tightened up on the things I did and MIL was involved in. For example, at nap time I'd say night night to everyone and go settle DS elsewhere. When he was eating sometimes I'd help him, sometimes I'd ask her to.
If he was upset and she tried to take him from me, I'd say "oh no, I've got him" and take him out of the room. I'm not saying I never let her help. Just that I tried hard to ensure the message over who was primary carer was there. I think she just got carried away at the beginning. It's more or less fine these days. DS is 18 months.

Aridane · 18/03/2015 08:48

Speak with your MIL? (!)

Hakluyt · 18/03/2015 08:55

What would you say to her if you could? What do you want her to stop doing?

Thymeout · 18/03/2015 09:07

I'm v sorry, but I really think that you are the problem here. As you said, you are a bit uptight.

Everyone knows you're dd's mother, especially dd. Your mil only looks after her/sees her? once a week. It's good that they're building a relationship. When you're all together, it seems natural to me that you'd take a step back and let her hold her, feed her, play with her. That's the only chance she has.

It's nice to share. You don't have to assert your role, or enter into a tug of love over dd. Lean back and relax. You are totally secure in your dd's affections, and it's lovely for her to have a gm who wants to forge her own, grandmotherly bond, with her gd.

It's the right thing to do and will pay dividends later on.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2015 09:08

You have to raise further your own too low boundaries with regards to his mother and not reward such behaviour by not saying anything. You feel undermined because you are being undermined here.

It can take some bravery, but if you feel a grandparent is undermining your parental authority, you should speak up. You don’t need to appear abrasive or mean to get your point across, but at the same time, don’t waffle or sound indecisive. DH and you should present a united front when it comes to his mother; both of you should speak to her at the same time.

Thymeout · 18/03/2015 09:11

Attila - what is the poor woman doing that is so wrong?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2015 09:22

MIL is not just some "poor woman". MIL knows what she is doing here. Being obsessed with someone or something is not healthy behaviour. Her grandchild is not there to satisfy or meet all her emotional needs.

I would be wondering what else MIL does with her time, does she really have too much time on her hands?. Her focus simply cannot be the OPs DD.

MIL has been a mother already, it has to be acknowledged by her that its now OPs turn. OP is the parent and should therefore have the last word. OP feels uncomfortable and undermined because of this lady's behaviour; those feelings should not be disregarded.

Thymeout · 18/03/2015 09:43

You haven't answered the question, Attila. What is she doing wrong?

She sees her once a week. I'm sure she has lots of other things to occupy her time. She has 4 other gc, for a start. When her gd is there, of course she's the focus of her attention.

How else is she to build a relationship with her gd but by talking to her and playing with her? That's not just the mother's role.

There's no indication in OP's post that there's been a clash of views re childcare where OP needs to have the last word.

Mil has been, and still is, a mother. She's been in Op's position as a dil and presumably thinks she's doing what grannies do. And, ime, she's right. It's OP I'm worried about because she seems reluctant to share her dd with wider family and insecure in her role as her mother.

Phoenixashes · 18/03/2015 09:52

thyme no where has the OP said that she is reluctant to share her DD. What she has implied, is that her MIL subtly undermines her. She also gave an example that her MIL was distracting her DD when the OP was holding her.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2015 09:56

She is obsessive and interrupting OPs own time with her DD. There is nothing right about that. Being obsessive over a grandchild is just wrong full stop. Its making OP feel uncomfortable and undermined as a parent to her child.

MIL may well have other interests to occupy her time (you assume this of her) but equally she may not.

Her grandchild should not be used to make up for any emotional deficit that she as MIL may have. She has parented already, now its OPs turn to do that.

Kewcumber · 18/03/2015 10:06

Why is she there?

I mean if she does childcare once a week then I can accept she's around for that but why is she around at other times like the example of you going to cuddle her after a nap.

My mum did/does some childcare for me and if she had been with DS all day she would behave exactly like a parent. Isn't that partly the nice thing about having GP's doing childcare? I wouldn't have thought anything of my mum playing/chatting with DS whilst I was cuddling him.

To be honest it is a bit annoying when your child has a lovely bond with someone else! I found a quick hand over better and not too much time with both Mum and Grandma being carers in the same room. You want her to be in loco parentis when you're not there with your DD but to drop it immediately when you're in the room and I'm not so sure its that easy for most grandparents who are doing childcaare to do that so easily.

Of course it doesn't mean that she doesn't has an unhealthy obsession with your DD but it isn't clear to me from your OP though you obviously don't like it. So you need to spend less time together with your DD present.

Hakluyt · 18/03/2015 10:36

atilla- you are making huge assumptions! How can you possibly know a quarter of what you are saying?

That's why I asked what the OP would like to say to her mil if she could. So that it would be possible to give her sensible advice. Not hang, drawing and quartering the MIL on no evidence..........

Lottapianos · 18/03/2015 10:47

'When you're all together, it seems natural to me that you'd take a step back and let her hold her, feed her, play with her'

I agree with Thymeout on this. I know that some grandparents do over step boundaries massively when it comes to grandchildren. However, based on the OP, I'm not sure that's what's going on here.

My best friend was very possessive of her little girl and DP and I were never allowed to hold her or do much with her at all when we visited. She's a very close friend and calls us Auntie Lotta and Uncle X. Obviously, its not a grandparent relationship, but I found it pretty hurtful.

Do you feel that you MIL over steps boundaries in other areas of life too?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/03/2015 10:53

One day a week and MIL is in some sort of power play? I'm sorry, I'm not so sure.

blueberrypie0112 · 18/03/2015 12:53

Take your baby and walk to another room. If MIL chase you, tell her how you feel.

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