MIL acting like dd's mum..

[Tonicandgin]

Since my 18mth old dd was born my MIL has been obsessed with her. Now, I love that she loves her, but I mean she regularly steps way over the line between being her gp and my role as her mum.

Dd is the 5th grandchild on that side so she's not PFB, but it's actually stopping me being her mum when she's around. I find it hard to give a specific example of tbh, as it's all the time, but, I've been away from dd for a few days and have told MIL that I've missed dd and looking forward to spending some time with her. When I go to see her and get her from her nap and dd's sitting on my knee, MIL constantly talked to her and distracted her away from what I am doing. And this continued throughout the day so I ended up giving up.

This happens all the time. It's like I'm not allowed to talk to dd or interact with her in any way when MIL is around.

It's madness ..

DM loves dd but doesn't behave in the same way, so I don't think it's just a case of gps being a bit over keen. She seems quite controlling...

Without any examples its very hard to see whether she is overstepping any boundaries or not.

As Lotta says I'd say that yes, actually, when other family are around, especially other family who do some regular care, then it's quite normal or reasonable for them to take over a little bit. If we're with any GPs and DD needs the loo, asks for a drink, something like that, they tend to go and do that thing regardless of which house we're in. I suspect it's because they see it as helping out - which generally it is.

Are there any other examples you can give?

I can see this being a big problem. I can imagine in the future where you trying to correct your DD ' S behavior and your MIL stepping in and distracting the whole thing.

MIL need to know it is rude to interrupt the mom when she is doing something with her child.

I think if she has her for one day a week then she is, in her eyes looking after her till you take her home. Unless she is doing something really bad or dangerous with her, I just think you should let it go. You have the other six days to be her mum.

Right, so as history she does follow me around when I'm looking after dd and disrupts lunchtimes etc or nappy changes etc. Prior to childcare arrangements she took over/distracted her - always has.

When she was only 4 mths old they came round and practically took her off me and took her out. I was bf and dd was cluster feeding so I spent the whole time she was out sweating.They meant well but I felt I had no choice but to let them. I didn't want to and dh was out. I never allowed it again.

Despite how I feel, I want dd to have a good relationship with both gps, so I always give dd to them and let them get on with it. I've started finding something else to do if we're all in the house just so I don't have to be around to be pushed out.

On the other side when my mum is around with me we all play together, I.e. I'm allowed to talk to my child when her grandparent is around. Mum also does childcare, so there's no difference there. It's just she respects that I have a role in dd's life.

I don't see why Mil can't see that there is more than just her here. I don't want a tug of love situation, and I don't want dd to lose out on time with her gps. Nor do I want to upset mil. I just exist.

Mil took a very different approach to childcare as I have. We've done baby sign, bf, BLW, non-CIO and she doesn't really 'get' it but in the main respects it. Not all (tries to spoon feed her....) but in the main.

Childcare wise, of course mil is the main carer when she's looking after her, so I want them to have a good relationship. I want dd to feel comforted and loved when I'm away and be able to run to her if she's hurt herself etc. I have no issue that dd loves her, it's just being excluded completely.

What exactly would you like to say to her? What do you want her to stop doing? Exactly? You can't get her to stop if you don't say exactly what she's doing wrong.

Set your stall out now and bite the bullet, I had this with my DGM. I love the bones of this woman but she really did stand on my toes and made me feel inadequate. It is controlling and it's not nice not feeling not in control of your own child. It resulted in a massive fall out on holiday as dd1,10 at the time, was playing us off one another. I felt like a spare part.

Mil tried it a few times with dd2 and I stopped it dead in its tracks.

'mil can you get out of her face' might be a good start

Wel,, yes, that would be good idea if you want to escalate things........

hakluyt have you ever been in this position? I have and it's not nice. Obviously my second post was a joke that's why I put a grin face.

It seems that MIL is at your house all day today looking after DD because you are ill and you are moaning about her interacting with DD when you are in the room with her.

Obviously DD enjoys MILs company and maybe you are jealous.

Yeah op is just jealous

I don't know- because we don't atually know what the MIL is doing wrong. That's why I asked the OP to explain.

I sympathise OP. My MIL doesn't undermine me (thankfully!) but her behaviour around DD is so extreme and hysterical and smothering. I swear she was sane before she had grandchildren.

It's better now DD is a little older (3.5 now - although it's only slightly better) but when she was little the poor more couldn't eat or have a poo in peace without seventeen verses of The Wheels On The Bus at top volume. It drove me INSANE. DH, on the other hand, is extremely good at tuning his mother out

I know she only does it out of love, and out of a feeling of having to maximise every single minute spent with DD because she doesn't see her that often, but on the other hand they make zero effort to come to us and expect us to drive to them all the time!

*"mil can you get out of her face"

Tempting, oh so tempting

OP has said how she feels. That should be enough, she doesn't have to justify it.

OP l had the same with my mil and l got really annoyed that pil actually put me in the position of having to pull authority with them regarding dd. But l continued and now l don't have that bother any more, dd has a great relationship with dgp and we all know where we stand.

hakyukt I suggest you go back and read op other posts they are pretty clear to me.

Seaoflove-that made me lol! Absolutely, Dd can't even poo without a constant stream of attention. When she was littler she'd crawl away and hide away from her, but would then be followed and smothered.

She does pretty well to tolerate it. I'm expecting she'll rebel in a few years and just poke her in the eye. But attention aside I'm ignoring that, it's not the end of the world.

So-an option is to exert my authority. Brilliant.. Going to need to woman up and go against my normal self.

it gets easier!

OP my MIL is the same. Has to be the centre of attention around DS (2.4), putting on a show and making it all about her.

She is old fashioned and authoritarian. A couple of weeks ago she was pulling her usual, 'what are they doing to you? I'll call social services' line with DS when he was having a 'moment' and DH signalled to her to leave it. Well, gnashing and wailing ensued: 'you're my son, you can't speak like that to me' etc.

Suffice to say I can't stand the sight of her.

Hi
my mil has behaved exactly the same way. DO NOT convince yourself it is due to your own fault being up tight, or just reading too much into it. I told myself this, and let it go on for way too long! I, myself couldn't give anyone any real examples if how she was making me feel, and was told i was over reacting. Then i made a little list of things she was doing day to day...people soon changed their minds. The constant undermining made me feel bullied and i ended up taking anxiety medication due to her behaviour! I am a very strong person, but this just got to me. Everything i did, i was told was wrong in regards to my child. I was told i was cruel for weaning him off his milk. I was told i was a pushy mum for encouraging him to learn. I was a wreck after 18 months of this. (we lived with them for a while due to partners job) I worked full time, and when i would get home after dh had been looking after ds, mil would actively take ds from my arms and cuddle him even though i hadn't seen him all day!

Eventually, after opening up to my own mother I spoke to dh about everything. He spoke to mil, and we revoked any responsibility from mil in terms of babysitting etc. We have moved to the other end if the country and are much happier with minimum contact. Mil is responsible for all of this. You need to do something to sort your situation, ours was drastic, but for the sake of you and your child's relationship you need to act now. I hope my story has helped a little x

If you want your mil to be your child's primary carer sometimes when it suits you then you need to give a little imo.

Is she at your house a lot when she is not doing childcare? If so, then perhaps you could limit this.

Your posts have not been very clear.

Attila posts "one cure fits all" replies 100% of the time. A more one-track Mumsnetter I have yet to witness.

I can empathise OP. I often feel excluded when my mil is around. She often doesn't even bother saying hello to me, she goes straight to grab dd and I'm left empty handed feeling like I don't belong. Mil also has a habit of interrupting any game / meal / cuddle I'm having with dd and it's very frustrating.

People (especially my DH) tell me that it's only because she loves dd and that a child can never have enough love etc. etc. I agree and like you I do want my dd to have a relationship but the feeling of being excluded is horrible.

I try to reason with myself before I see my mil and decide in advance what I'm ok with her doing and what I want to do. I try to suggest things to mil before she asks which makes me feel like I'm more in control of the situation. I also try to leave dd with her and get on with other things at home or go out and have a nice time with my friends when mil is visiting. That's easier than being ignored at home.

People will suggest talking to mil but if she's anything like mine that will be very hard to do without coming across as being really mean.

Sorry don't have much more advice. I think these kind of relationships are so hard to manage. I'd really love to see how my dh would react if my df spent all his time excluding him and taking over when he's trying to take care of dd.

I don't think it sounds like she is trying to be your daughter's mum.

It sounds like she is trying to be the primary care giver you have asked her to be in your absence.

It depends whether you feel strongly enough about this to risk her stopping providing childcare and damaging the current relationship with her.

For the people saying that I need to relax about it and I've asked her to be dd's primary carer. Mil volunteered, we never asked. We would never ask that of someone as it's an enormous commitment. After they volunteered wemade it clear we could afford nursery and that they needed to be sure, but if they wanted to do it they could.

It's a weird situation, if she wouldn't let me talk to dh because she constantly wanted his attention even when I was talking to him everyone would think it was weird. This is no different, except it's my daughter.

Lausarama- crikey it sounds exactly the same.. Wish there was an easy way of doing something without sounding like a witch.

I think you do have to exert your authority, especially if DH won't (and mine won't either, because he's not listening to it - or perhaps he is, he's just too cowardly to confront either of his parents). You definitely run the risk of losing your rag if you bottle up months of resentment without saying a word.

I remember losing my rag once. I was about to wipe DD's face as she sat in the high chair, and the instant I leaned in, MIL launched into yet another fucking song, and DD's face snapped away from me and towards her. I threw the cloth down onto the high chair and stormed out of the room It was such a minor thing but it really was the straw that broke the camel's back.

DH's brother, quite sensibly, lives on the other side of the planet. They visited at Xmas with their DD, and he got so pissed off with the singing he banned MIL from singing. Cue MIL singing at DD last time we were there: "I'm not allowed to siiiiiiing".

I pointed out that she was still singing.

This thread is cathartic! Hope it amuses you a bit to hear you're not alone, tonic, however our MILs choose to drive us mad. And, incidentally, it would piss me off just as much, if not more, if it was my own mother.