MIL acting like dd's mum..

[Tonicandgin]

Since my 18mth old dd was born my MIL has been obsessed with her. Now, I love that she loves her, but I mean she regularly steps way over the line between being her gp and my role as her mum.

Dd is the 5th grandchild on that side so she's not PFB, but it's actually stopping me being her mum when she's around. I find it hard to give a specific example of tbh, as it's all the time, but, I've been away from dd for a few days and have told MIL that I've missed dd and looking forward to spending some time with her. When I go to see her and get her from her nap and dd's sitting on my knee, MIL constantly talked to her and distracted her away from what I am doing. And this continued throughout the day so I ended up giving up.

This happens all the time. It's like I'm not allowed to talk to dd or interact with her in any way when MIL is around.

It's madness ..

DM loves dd but doesn't behave in the same way, so I don't think it's just a case of gps being a bit over keen. She seems quite controlling...

'OP has said how she feels. That should be enough. She doesn't have to justify it.'

No - because sometimes our feelings aren't justified. OP seems to me to be overreacting to what sounds like perfectly normal behaviour on the part of her MIL. She hasn't mentioned any of the extreme behaviour described by Holly.

As I said, and others agreed, when gps were there, I tended to step back and let them wear themselves out. Why don't you do that? Your daughter won't come to any harm. Go off and do something else, but without the attitude that you're being ignored or forced out or any other negative emotion that leaves you feeling aggrieved. You have the rest of the week for one to one time with dd.

And please resist the suggestions that you challenge her on it or exert your authority or whatever. She will be hurt and uncomfortable in your house and there will be ramifications for her future relationship with dd, and, by extension, her cousins.

personally, I think once a week visit is too much. I would be exhausted.

I remember an in-law who told me that he never liked his brother's wife because every time they come to visit, she sits back and read a book. he feels she let her kids run wild. I am wondering she too decide to let the family wear themselves out with her kids because they tend to take over. haha

"'OP has said how she feels. That should be enough. She doesn't have to justify it.'

Wow. Does this apply in every case or only in relation to MILs?

How you feel isn't enough?

And yes Hakluty for me it's every case. So can get off your MIL high horse.

So whatever a person feels is always right and should be acted on? Nobody is ever mistaken or over reacting or under reacting or being irrational? Nobody need ever analyze, or even think about their feelings and check whether they are proportional or fair or justified?

What happens if two people feel differently about the same situation?

My mil told dd1 that she had 2 mummies -I was mummy one, she was mummy two

I went ballistic

Reduced contact to only if I was there

In this situation, which is what we are discussing, the OP feelings should be enough. I find it strange you cant see that.

So not in every case then...........

I sympathise OP. It's hard to convey why it's so annoying! 2 examples:

Sitting down with MIL, I get up and say I'm going to BF DC. MIL leaps up and pushes past me to pick up DC from bouncy chair / pushchair / cot, starts cradling DC etc. Every single time. Er why?? Then I have to say excuse me MIL can I have FC for a feed?

Dinner's on the table, we come to the table and I put DC2 on highchair, get bib / spoons together. I turn around and MIL is feeding DC1 fruit / sweets / cake / bread. Then DC1 doesn't want dinner. It's my fault because of the food I try to force on the children (a mild curry), they can't be expected to eat that (they do).

Like a pp I found it helped to make a list of all the "little things" and was truly shocked - it painted a very clear picture of controlling behaviour from MIL. I realised that if anything I had been slow on the uptake, a bit of a doormat and underreacting to MIL (I had been accused of being paranoid and always wanting things my way ).

I wish I'd tackled this years ago when DC1 came along. DC2 has exacerbated things and now I am practically NC with MIL (life is better like this!). Also remember that this has the potential to damage the relationship with your DH.

Good luck!

The thing is, the OP's mil's behaviour isn't perfectly normal. As the OP stated earlier, people would think it odd if mil was constantly interrupting her contact with her DH.

The important thing here is that the OP does feel excluded and left out. That is how she feels so of course it's important. This doesn't mean that mil's feelings should be ignored though: there is a balance to be found.

OP as I said, I think it is important to start being more assertive. That has helped me with my mil. I will also try to anticipate her behaviour. So instead of being upset when mil distracts dd from eating when I'm feeding her; only to then swoop in, steal the spoon and take over with a triumphant 'oh, she'll eat when granny's feeding her!', I offer for mil to feed her before this happens. Then I will say, 'OK now I'm taking her for a change, I'll be back in 5 minutes'. Mil is happy because she's done something for dd and is then less likely to follow us for the nappy change.

I also started pointedly interrupting MIL's babbling to dd by saying 'HELLO MIL' whenever she'd ignored me. I think she's now realised that she was being rude by not saying hello to me so she's started always saying hello to me first now.

I don't see how this kind of behaviour would alienate mil or turn the relationship sour. OP has also said that she wants her dd to have a relationship with her mil - she just wants to be acknowledged.

What I mean by 'this kind of behaviour turning the relationship sour' is more authoritative behaviour from the OP. She can't be expected to be ignored forever just to keep mil happy. If mil is a decent person she will take the hint and take a step back - she maybe doesn't realise how intense her behaviour is.

But from what OP has said, MIL hasn't swooped in and made the 'Granny knows best, Mummy is crap' sort of remark that others are quoting. She's explained that her child-rearing methods are very different from what MIL was used to, and, except for trying to feed her gd with a spoon , she's gone along with them.

She's looking after dgd one day a week. I had the impression that the behaviour OP's complaining about takes place when she comes home from work(?) to take over - not sure in whose house.

This is largely about OP's feelings rather than facts and there are so few concrete examples that it's difficult to say whether or not MIL is really overstepping a mark.

I think it's an extension of the in-law problem. Suddenly, you're put in a position of being a close relative to people who are almost complete strangers and, in normal circumstances, would never have been more than distant acquaintances.

And your feelings for your baby are so strong, she's still almost part of you, that it's an intrusion into your personal space when mil does the over-excited granny thing. (I can't get my head around the comparison with dh. When mil was there, I wouldn't have been having an exclusive, personal convo with dh or dd for that matter. It would have felt rude to do so.)

I think Lausarama's approach is best. Let her do things for dd when you're all together. Give her a role. Then she won't feel shut out or pushed aside. Remember how much less she sees your dd than you do.

She's an irritation, not a threat. Try not to feed your negative emotions. My guess is that if you relaxed, she would, too.

Many years ago I had a mil like this. I dealt with it by handing her the baby as soon as she arrived and saying,'will you change him/feed him' so that it came from me not her. Then I would pick up a magazine or a book and unless ds asked for me I'd let mil be in sole carge with me in the room. After half an hour I would thank her, pick up the baby and say,'that was nice of grandma to play with you like that' . By limiting the interaction and taking charge of it I soon found myself less stressed and we had a good relationship until her death.

Wow, some strange responses on this thread.

As pp says, sit down and write a list. Get it clear in your head the behaviour that is causing you alarm. Then plan evasive action

I tend to think your instinct is spot on.

Can I just reiterate because I have been in this position...

When you have a family member doing childcare (whether they offered to or not isn;t relevant, presumably you want them to because you think its nicer for your DD to have a doting granny look after her for a day) then you expect them to treat your child in effect as a parent would all day. But the second you walk through the door you expect them to drop t. It just isn't always that easy.

Don't hang around when doing pick up and drop off, reduce the amount of time you see her outside of pick up and drop off. And be glad that your DD gets a doting granny once a week and is well cared for.

IF your MIL is truly toxic and I can't see any particular evidence of it (though its not impossible) then stop the childcare.

she does follow me around when I'm looking after dd - I really don't understand why she's even there when you're looking after DD

I think it's really important that grannies let parents be the parents, and support them in this role of primary care-giver. This doesn't mean they can't provide care and develop their own close relationship with their grandchildren but I think even in their home they need to acknowledge the parents and their important primary relationship with their own children.
My DM has found this quite difficult to do and I have felt that my own relationship with my DC has been somewhat undermined when we've been staying there. It can certainly be tricky to negotiate these things for the best for everyone but worth trying if you don't feel things are right OP x

The comparison with the dh is that mil wouldn't ignore her dil to only talk to dh or interrupt interaction between her ds and her dil - that's what is being rude. It's not that the op want 'exclusive conversations' with her dd - she just wants mil to include her and not interrupt their interaction. I think anyway!

kew what about when mil just visits? She's not only there for unavoidable childcare, there will be family outings, occasions, holidays...

Well, this is all v subtle and nuanced, no major crimes.

I really would make an effort not to focus on the negatives, by making lists or even venting on the internet, but look for the positives in this relationship. And it's early days. Things will change when, e.g., your dd starts school.

You're going to be in each other's lives for a long time. Pick your battles.

As it happens, my problem with my dmil was that she had 3 daughters. I was the first to produce gcs, but I always felt a bit of an outsider. Which, of course, I was. When my sil started having babies, my mil was much more closely involved in their lives, because there was obviously more of a rapport between mil and daughter, as there is now between me and my dd as opposed to me and my ddil. I make a special effort to be as even-handed as possible.

I think my dcs felt slightly sidelined by their cousins. But I don't think anyone took offence. It was just how things were. They knew she loved them.

All I can say is you don't want her to feel uncomfortable in your home. You don't want to be the awkward dil who makes things 'difficult' and takes offence. You want her relationship with dd to be as easy and natural as possible.

So do whatever it takes to minimise her effect on you, without drawing it to her attention. On wider family occasions, I'm assuming the presence of the other gc's dilutes her (over-)enthusiasm.

Be wary of trying to enlist dh on your side, of making it a question of 'sides' at all. However irritating, she is his mother.