I don't fancy my husband and I don't know what to do.

[WildFlowerWoman]

I've been married to my husband for 20 years (together 27) and although we still love each other, we no longer have an intimate relationship. The main reason being, is because he is useless in bed and I don't want sex with him any more.

Both our children are at university and we are at a stage in life where we should be enjoying spending time together as a couple but we're not.

I am mutually attracted to a guy at work and although I am not going to have an affair with him, he has made realise that something is missing in my life and I'm not sure how much longer I can carry on in a marriage that lacks romance, intimacy...and sex!!

I have thought about counselling but I know I couldn't fancy him in a million years so it's not an option.

I feel sad because I don't want to split up an otherwise happy family, plus my children are still in full time education and I don't want to upset them by getting divorced. What should I do? Any advice please?

When you say 'useless in bed' do you mean inept? Selfish? Physical problems? I expect, over 27 years, if he was just inept you'd have been able to work something out and physical problems can be fixed with help. There's no cure for selfish, sadly.

What to do.... it's noble that you're willing to sacrifice what's left of your adult life and sexuality on the altar of 'family' but would your adult children really be happier knowing that Mum is living life through gritted teeth and putting on an act for their sakes? Are they really that self-centred and lacking in compassion?

Is there a chance that your DH might be interested/willing to open up your relationship? If the love is still there but the sexual side is lacking, perhaps you might be able to permit one another the occasional extracurricular dalliance -- especially now that your kids have left home. It's not for everyone, but some couples do find that it can solve this problem of mismatched sex drives in an otherwise loving and committed relationship. Certainly can be better that the agonising binary of (a) stick together and never have sex again, vs. (b) split up and sacrifice everything else in order to get sexual satisfaction.

Is this really an otherwise happy family?. I would think that your now adult children are perhaps all too aware of problems between you two as parents and know that something is badly amiss. They certainly likely notice that you do not spend time together as a couple and perhaps even feel that you are only together now for appearances sake. Going home is perhaps not all that happy an occasion for them.

These people as well might actually think that you should have separated from their dad years ago. They also won't thank you for staying with him if you are miserable and won't appreciate being told anything like "well I stayed for you" or "I did not want to upset you by getting divorced". It puts an intolerable burden on them and makes you both appear very selfish.

What do you want to teach them about relationships here; that this is their "norm", this is actually how people behave in relationships?.

I would not be so dismissive of counselling for your own self either; it may actually help you decide further what you want to do. You could also now seek legal advice, at least having further knowledge could also equip you further and you do not have to immediately act on that.

Although to be honest, it does sound like this goes a bit beyond just sex. When you say 'I know I couldn't fancy him in a million years,' that sounds more worryingly like you've completely gone off him. How has this happened? Has he changed? Let himself go? What's the issue?

Thanks for your replies.

He is selfish mainly, but I've also gone off him physically.

Cogito, he's selfish mainly, but I've also gone off him physically.

It's interesting what you say about sacrificing my adult life and sexuality because I have also considered that but I can't quite bring myself to move on. I might wait until my children have both finished uni but by then I will be in my mid fifties and I am worried that I might regret leaving my husband because I still love him.

Iam, an open relationship might be a temporary solution but I think it would only be a matter of time before one of us met someone else, so perhaps it would be better to divorce him now and get it over and done with. Trouble is I still love him and I know I would miss him if we divorced.

I can help thinking the grass is always greener, and I have a couple of friends who have regretted leaving their husbands. It's a difficult one.

I am divorcing shortly after years of EA.
But I also didn't fancy him, he made my flesh crawl if he tried to have sex with me .
I have younger children than you but couldn't bear 25 more years of this.
Don't be a martyr. If you truly feel you have come to the end of the road with him, walk away.

Who was it who said, 'It's better to regret the things you do do rather than the things you don't do.' :) Probably not true 100% of the time, but there's a grain of truth to it.

"I might wait until my children have both finished uni"

That sounds like kicking the can down the road. Something tangible is holding you back and I'd be very surprised if it really was your adult children. I'm not even sure that it's the love you have for your husband. You can love someone just as much... arguably more, even... if you're free to choose than if you're manacled together against your better judgement.

What is it that really troubles you about independence? If you drill down and locate the real objection, you might get somewhere.

Oops, messed up my last reply!

Attila, I say we are an otherwise happy family but the more I think about it we're not. My husband and I bicker a lot so I don't think there is any doubt in my children s minds that we have problems. I try my best to hide it from them but it's not always easy. I'm still not sure if I will ever leave my husband, but it I ever do, I will make sure not to say I stayed with him for their sake's because I know they won't thank me for it.

Iam, it's true that our problems go beyond sex. I won't bore you with the details, but he messed up financially a couple of years ago which left me resenting and not trusting him.

Cogito, I think I am scared of being on my own but I don't know why because I am a very independent person. I am also worried about how the children will cope, especially when they are taking exams at uni.

I've already been to see a solicitor but decided to put proceedings on hold because my children are still in full time education. Does that make me a martyr or is it a reasonable consideration?

I instigated divorce proceedings even though dcs have GCSEs and a levels this summer. No time is the right time.
But they're fine.
Yours are away from home so may find it easier. And if they are aware of problems, it may not be a shock.
I couldn't have ground it out for 5 more years.

Kids in university will be able to handle this. Chances are they may not be terribly surprised either. I was about 8 when my parents split a much more 'vulnerable' age but even back then I was able to take it in my stride and move on. If it's well handled, and not acrimonious if both parents take care to ensure the kids' feelings are respected then it needn't be as traumatic as you're imagining.

And meanwhile think of all the lovely sex you'll be having. ;)

It doesn't sound like a reasonable consideration. 16yos doing GCSEs or 18yos doing A Levels usually need quite a lot of parental support. But by the time someone's at uni aren't they supposed to be doing all the work themselves? Are they living away from home?

If you're scared of being on your own, I'd suggest that's the more realistic objection. You mention a guy at work so presumably you're not financially dependent on your husband. Do you have plenty of friends and a good social life independent of the family or has life always revolved around your DCs?

Thanks again for your replies, they have helped me realise that my children are not too young to cope with divorce, and in any case, I deserve a life of my own.

"And meanwhile think of all the lovely sex you'll be having. ;)"

Iam, that's certainly a nice thought, only I haven't done it in years so I probably won't know what to do!

Cogito, my children both live away from home so no problems there.

I'm not financially dependent on my husband as such, but he does earn a lot more than me. If I stayed with him, I could give up work, but if I leave him I will be working until I get my pension. Hmm, that's another reason to stay with him I suppose.

Unwillingness to downsize an affluent lifestyle is a very common reason for not wanting to end a bad marriage. But have you ever done the maths? Seen a solicitor? Worked out what the marital assets are valued at and estimated what share you'd get? You might be pleasantly surprised and find you could move into a little pied a terre of your own, bank the rest and not have to work to the bitter end after all.

Cognito, you're right, I need to find out what the facts are first, and then decide.

We have been talking about putting the house on the market next Spring, so I might start divorce proceedings at the beginning of next year. That said, my mother (90 years old) is in residential home suffering with dementia, and I am worried that she might die sometime soon and he might try and stake a claim on my inheritance. Divorce is so painful and complicated, I sometimes wonder how anyone gets through it.

You say you love him, but you also say you bicker, don't enjoy spending time with him, you couldn't fancy him in a million years, and you resent him and mistrust him. What exactly do you love about him?

"If I stayed with him, I could give up work, but if I leave him I will be working until I get my pension. Hmm, that's another reason to stay with him I suppose."

I'll give you points for being so open about your financial motives, even as I find your attitude repugnant. The idea of staying in a relationship where I was making my partner and myself unhappy purely so I could sit on my arse and not work is just... shudder.

The financial side of things is definitely quite a motivation/disincentive for you. The women you mentioned earlier for whom leaving husbands didn't work out. What was it that they struggled with? Finances?

I'm not financially dependent on my husband as such, but he does earn a lot more than me. If I stayed with him, I could give up work, but if I leave him I will be working until I get my pension. Hmm, that's another reason to stay with him I suppose.

what ?

He isn't a meal ticket. If you don't fancy him and don't even like him, divorce him and let him find someone who does. I just lost a whole load of sympathy for you there.

My parents split up when I was doing my Masters. I wish my mum had moved on sooner. I don't think there's a good time to wrap your head around your parents' divorcing, but don't assume your children want you to stay.

Sounds to me like you're both selfish.

It's true to say that one of reasons I'm staying with him is because I would be better off. Is that not normal then?

I suppose if he was an absolute bastard I wouldn't hesitate to divorce him but he's not. Another reason I think I might stay with him is because I would like us to be together when we have grandchildren. Of course grandchildren might be ten or more years away but I always had this rose tinted idea of us being a one big happy family and having our grandchildren over for Christmas etc (funny I know ). I'm beginning to think I need a reality check!

Funny, but I was just laughing and joking with him in the kitchen and if you saw us you would probably think we were a happily married couple, but other times we bicker and I can't stand the sight of him. I'm confused.

As much as I love my him, I long to be in a romantic relationship but I am concerned that I might not be able to find anybody because I am in my fifties. Is it selfish of me to stay?

Yes, honestly I think there's a large dose of selfishness in both sides.

Question for you, then: what's going to happen when he becomes more and more fed up of your sexless, bicker-fuelled marriage and buggers off with a younger model?

Although discrimination is now supposedly forbidden by law, you'll find it gets harder for women to get decently-paid positions as we get older, and as the kids have left home you won't get any maintenance. If I were you I'd be cutting my unhappy marriage off and working on my career prospects.

I think having one of the reasons to stay with someone in a so-called romantic relationship is so that you don't have to work is pretty reprehensible actually. And does women's causes a fucking dis service.

How do you think he would react if he saw what you wrote on your thread ? If I were him, I would negotiate an open relationship so I could go off and shag other women while you sit on your nice sofa wondering where your self respect went. It would be different if this were all out in the open of course, and you had both agreed to have this commodity-driven transactional situation. But you haven't, have you ?