I don't fancy my husband and I don't know what to do.

[WildFlowerWoman]

I've been married to my husband for 20 years (together 27) and although we still love each other, we no longer have an intimate relationship. The main reason being, is because he is useless in bed and I don't want sex with him any more.

Both our children are at university and we are at a stage in life where we should be enjoying spending time together as a couple but we're not.

I am mutually attracted to a guy at work and although I am not going to have an affair with him, he has made realise that something is missing in my life and I'm not sure how much longer I can carry on in a marriage that lacks romance, intimacy...and sex!!

I have thought about counselling but I know I couldn't fancy him in a million years so it's not an option.

I feel sad because I don't want to split up an otherwise happy family, plus my children are still in full time education and I don't want to upset them by getting divorced. What should I do? Any advice please?

AF, he would never agree to an open relationship, so if I ever want to have sex again, I'll have to move on.

I get the impression that some of you think I'm a bit smug but nothing could be further from the truth. Life with my husband has been extremely difficult the last couple of years, and although he would be upset by this thread, part of me thinks he deserves it.

I think for your own sake you would be best advised to go off and make your own life. Which might include < shock horror > working for a living

Living with someone you don't like for financial reasons seems all wrong to me. This isn't the 1950's where women STFU and get on with the ironing whilst screaming inside and necking the Mogadon washed down with gin just to get through the day.

Perhaps I am painting too dramatic a picture and I am sure daily life with your H isn't as bleak as all that. But I am also sure it could be a hell of a lot better.

Have you been to marriage counselling together?

I get the impression from this thread you are angry and resentful of previous unresolved issues.

You obviously have enough in common to tolerate being around each other. Is there still enough to work on?

Have you ever told him why you don't like having sex with him?

I must say he sounds like he is getting a rough deal here and you haven't been honest with him. If you really love him you need to show him some kindness and think about his needs in a relationship too.

Have you been to marriage counselling together?

I get the impression from this thread you are angry and resentful of previous unresolved issues.

You obviously have enough in common to tolerate being around each other. Is there still enough to work on?

Have you ever told him why you don't like having sex with him?

I must say he sounds like he is getting a rough deal here and you haven't been honest with him. If you really love him you need to show him some kindness and think about his needs in a relationship too.

oh OP life is too short

every relationship slows down sex wise but to actively not fancy someone and find the sex shit

not good

don't spend the rest of your life like this x

I'm shocked you are motivated to stay with him to live off HIS earnings , yet you want to keep a future inheritance to yourself?
Have some self respect

"I think for your own sake you would be best advised to go off and make your own life. Which might include < shock horror > working for a living wink "

AF, I have worked since my youngest was six years old, so work is far from a shock to me. Although financial reasons are a consideration, the main reason I am staying (if that's what I decide to do) with himis because I still love him, and the children would rather we stayed together than split up.

Kissy, I have been absolutely honest with him! I told him why I don't want sex with him and why I am angry with him. The reason I am angry with him is because he fucked up financially (long story) without my prior consent. He betrayed my trust and I'm not sure I can forgive him.

As much as I still love him, no amount of counselling would ever make me fancy him.

Jasper, see my reply to AF (above).

Op, just your first post that started this thread sounds like I've written the post!

My DH and I are in our 30s though... yet I don't fancy him.

I set up another thread under the relationships heading which is similar. I too have found myself attracted to someone else. My 5yo DD's swimming instructor. I don't even like DH touching me sometimes and I sometimes feel myself wincing from his touch. But I do love and care about him very much and he was my first true love too. I won't ever hurt him or our DD. I just want some intimacy which I don't feel like having with him.

Sweet, we are not alone, there are millions of us out there, even if people don't like to admit it.

Shame I didn't see your thread as I'd have been interested to read it. So what did you decide to do in the end? Did you find a solution? Not that it would be easy of course because you have a young child.

It's ok op, I stopped fancying my dh a year after I married him ( we've been together 25 years ) I don't even like him half the time. But staying together is easier than splitting up ( & better for ds ) you'd be surprised how common my/our situation is.

What did he say when you explained why you didn't want sex with him?

With respect to the financial thing has he managed to make up for it and pro use never to do it again.

How do you know for sure that if you had counselling and addressed the issues in the marriage you wouldn't ever fancy him again.

I am not seeing a lot of love in this relationship just you repeating the fact that you love him.

How do you know you love him and are not just acting from a fear of change?

Promise.

Like, I've got a few friends who admit to being in the same situation so it's definitely more common than people think! Somehow we assume that everyone else it at it three or four times a week but that is simply not the case.

Kissy,

"What did he say when you explained why you didn't want sex with him?"

Initially he was very upset but he has given up asking.

"With respect to the financial thing has he managed to make up for it and pro use never to do it again."

I got a half apology but it wasn't satisfactory.

"How do you know for sure that if you had counselling and addressed the issues in the marriage you wouldn't ever fancy him again."

I find him sexually repulsive.

"I am not seeing a lot of love in this relationship just you repeating the fact that you love him."

I do love him. I just don't want sex with him.

"How do you know you love him and are not just acting from a fear of change?"

Sometimes I look at him when he's reading the paper or doing the gardening and I get a wave of love for him. He's also a very good father and has some personality traits that I admire.

You will see from my replies that my marriage is very complicated and that's why I'm not sure if I can leave him.

Thanks again for the replies, I still don't know what the solution is but they have helped me get things into perspective

I think you all need a reality check if you think that marriage is just a love thing! Of course economics come into it....Hardened cynical bitch I may be, but don't condemn the woman for saying how it is. She would be throwing away a lifetime of hard graft. Talk about out of the frying pan into the fire.

No such thing as a 'perfect marriage' - & if anyone tells you otherwise they're lying.

Best of luck with yours though. ( my only advice is don't have that affair, you'll regret it )

Yes, as likeican says, OP, don't have an affair. I never intend to put myself in that situation regardless of lack of sexual attraction to DH. It hurts everyone involved. I'd rather I never feel for the rest of my life the flutters of excitement I get from the dashing instructor at the pool than to upset my marriage to the one man who loves me so much. My DG adores her father and he is such a good father, I wonder whether I'm a horrible person to even think of another guy. Pangs of guilt wash over me all the time for even having a crush on someone else!

OP, I don't think affairs solve anything. I think you and I both need to see how to make our relationships with our DHs more exciting so that we find them attractive and not sexually repulsive!

OP, this is my post on another thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2332434-Not-attracted-to-DH-but-to-another-man

It seems to me that you have a communication problem. If a partner said that they didn't want to have a sexual relationship because they found their partner selfish in bed then the normal response would be to do everything in their power to address this if the alternative was no intimacy.

I think you might find it helpful to be in a neutral environment in order to communicate effectively with each other to determine if this is salvageable or conclude you have come to the end of the road with this relationship.

Finding someone you live with sexually repulsive is a very strong term. If it is as clear cut as this then I would do the kind thing and let them find someone who finds them desirable because he must have no self esteem left whilst you take what you want from this marriage.

At what expense will you continue?

I think it is very possible to love somebody without wanting to have sex with them.

Isn't this why lots of people have affairs? Much easier if all parties agree. It is possible he is having an affair as you have rejected him so who could blame him? I think it would be fair enough to be honest.

If I were you I would just lay it on the table and tell him what you have told everyone on here. If you are comfortable with him then say that you want an open relationship on both sides and if he doesn't want that then you need to split up. At least it gives him a choice.

You may not meet anyone in your 50's but then again you may.

One life only. Nothing worse than having regrets on your death bed.

OP,

Reading your posts has made me feel really sad because it sounds from what you have written as though there is so much potential in your marriage but it's all going to waste. You haven't really explained why you feel the way you do and I suspect that you yourself don't really know either. How much do you talk to your DH? How open are you with each other? How do you comfort each other? When the chips are down do you turn to each other and find strength in one another? If not why not? You've been together 27 years and have brought up your children together. You have clearly done a lot of things right!! Have things always been like this? If not, when did they start to unravel? Sorry, so many questions but these are what you should be asking yourself and him, pronto!! Sit down with him and tell him how you feel.

You say you feel repulsed by him - that's such a strong word, such a strong feeling. I guess it's hard to imagine how you would ever get back from that, how you would ever imagine feeling anything different. I have been through something similar. Slightly different situation - DH and I are much younger, two small DCs. We recently went for counselling because we had grown apart so much to the point where I wondered whether it was worth continuing the relationship. I was incredibly angry with him after he let me down at what was one of the worst points in my life. I was so angry with him that I could not have sex - I had to stop kissing him once because I felt like hitting him instead I was that angry. I don't want to sound evangical but counselling made a huge difference and we are so much stronger because of it. Yes, our sex life is back on track again (well as much as it can be with two young DCs!)

Maybe you should start from a different angle - if your husband let you down badly and you feel you only got half an apology why the hell would you want to have sex with him? Allow yourself to feel angry, you have a right to that. And it's not too late - it may have happened years ago ask him again about what happened and tell him his apology wasn't enough for you. Make it clear how important it is to you. It's hard to know from your posts how reasonable he is but he doesn't sound like a completely horrid man. And the fact that you still feel love for him when you look at him, well that's amazing! Isn't it?

It's completely normal to feel attracted to other people whilst you are in a long term relationship. But I would advise you to plough all the energy that attraction gives you into working through the problems in your marriage. Maybe your husband won't do the same, maybe you talk and have counselling and your feelings don't change but after 27 years it's worth ploughing everything you've got into it before throwing in the towel.

You may love him... but you hate him too. I'm not surprised with the half apology for something that has had a significant impact on your life.

The best place for you to deal with all the complex strands of this is in counselling. You won't be judged in counselling - as you have been on here - and it is essential that you create a space to explore your options in a non-judgemental environment.

Yy reality checks are important but there's a place for them and I don't think you're there yet. Thoroughly explore how you feel in a safe and supportive place first - ie a process, not a decision.

I don't think it's at all unusual to eg not want to lose what you have materially built up together over decades. But I do think you're going to waste away if things stay as they are. The biggest cancer could be your resentment towards him for what he did a few years back - sadly and unfairly it will destroy you not him.

Sorry I haven't replied sooner but I've been having internet problems.

Pops, Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad that counselling worked for you and that your relationship is now stronger. I'd like to think that counselling could work for us but I know my husband would never agree to it.

I feel a bit sad because I'm beginning to think that divorce is the mostly likely outcome. This is not something I want to think about right now, so I probably won't come back to this thread again. As strange as that may sound, I don't feel as if I can do much to improve our situation at the moment so I am just going to stick my head in the sand and forget about it for now. That said, this thread has definitely given me lots to think about and I am grateful for all of the replies. Thanks again.

Good luck, WFW

just remember that life passes by while you wait for something to happen....

I didn't mean counselling with him! I meant counselling for yourself. To get your head straight, to make informed choices.

Before you know it 10 years will have passed. 10 years of hate, which will only get worse. Girl, get it sorted NOW, get your head sorted with a counsellor. Your own private place to bash this out. You may choose to stay with him at the end of it but you'll know what you're doing and why, and will have seriously addressed the hatred and resentment. Leaving everything as it is, burying your head in the sand, could be disastrous - please don't pass up this opportunity to get it sorted in your head