Just need to get this out - possible triggers

[justneedtogetthisout]

Old member & NC for this, sorry if TMI but need to get this out & have no one I can tell and I need a second opinion sorry if scrambled

Last night I was out with friends and got VERY drunk and we shared a cab home. After dropping my friend off the cab driver took me back to his instead of taking me home and I don't know for certain what happened as I was so drunk & I've maybe blanked out some parts of what potentially was about an hour all together (friend said I dropped her around 2.15 but she was drunk too so could be wrong but can't over question & draw attention, DH says I woke him around 4 clattering about, again can't over question).

Obviously I'm petrified what could have happened, but I'm reasonably sure he didn't rape me (because logically - you'll know what I mean when you say you can physically feel you've had sex? & because I am on my period and the tampon was still in). But just before he took me home he gave me my pants & tights to put in my bag

I've had no flashbacks to anything sexual happening though, I remember lots of bits (even asking if we had sex to which he said no) but nothing at all like that but don't recall or understand why my pants were off - unless he went to start & saw I was on, or I passed out briefly & he stopped? This is hard to say to be understood - the memories don't feel 'wrong' like he wanted to take it. And as well as the logic above, potentially there was only a smallish time in which it could have even happened? I feel so upset & confused & obviously have no one to talk to and I'm wondering if you think my thoughts sound right?

OP- you were vulnerable & he took advantage. Tell your DH & report it. I have a friend that a similar thing happened to & she was raped. Now when we go out we take photos of the cabs registration before we get in. Gives off a 'don't mess with us vibe' if nothing else. Sorry this has happened to you

He shouldn't have taken a very intoxicated woman to his home. You can report him for that alone, even if nothing else happened! It doesn't matter if you 'consented' to going there! He shouldn't have been asking you to!

Sorry this happened to you, OP.

Oh gosh, OP - reading between the lines of your post, it sounds as though you are just plain terrified of what your DH will think.

It is completely up to you, but I think you need support right now, and the only way of obtaining that will be to tell him, and the police, what happened.

I can't emphasize enough that you were not in a position to give consent to this man taking you to his house, or removing any of your clothing, let alone anything else. I think you are very much the victim here.

Thanks for your support everyone.

In response -

• I know I should report it but I can't, why will become clear below

• it was a black cab and I think I know the number on the yellow light inside. I was very drunk but remember a lot (like vaguely where he drove to his, his house, being given a drink, being taken upstairs but then that blank until coming downstairs again) so the missing bit about my pants is distressing. I remember feeling surprised he gave me them as I didn't know they weren't on, but I had asked if we had sex before that point when coming downstairs so it's confusing

• I am afraid something has happened, especially in this day & age, even pics or something which is even more frightening

• I'm sure I was just drunk & not drugged

• the going the loo idea sounds a really good practical suggestion but I have no recollection of that either. My shoes are awkward ones to get on & off so I doubt I'd have done that too iykwim? My pants weren't wet (nor dress etc). When I got home I put them straight in the wash as I knew at the time to not let DH know

• yes I am scared to tell DH to the astute pp, deep breath I was raped 20 years ago and my boyfriend at the time didn't believe me (despite my injuries) so I'm petrified of that happening again. Plus the practical never being allowed out again type stuff (Although I am currently feeling afraid to go out again cos idk how I can safely get home any more even if I don't drink)

• I am logical & rational (thanks pp) so the missing info is a struggle but honestly it doesn't sound like I was raped does it, cos of my tampon & I don't feel I've had sex? And I've had drunk sex before (with DH of 20ish years & one ex so you know I don't sleep round) and had flashbacks of snippets and had literally nothing of anything this time (and of course the physical feeling I had sex). And because I was raped before it doesn't feel the same iykwim? When I was raped I was drunk but I remember pieces so to remember nothing this time only makes me think it can't logically have happened?

I'm just feeling frightened and alone (I'm crying now) and I need help to logically fill in the blanks, please help x

I am not surprised you are feeling distressed.

The confusion around it will be eating you up. However I think you can safely assume that this man tried to do "something" with you and certainly crossed professional boundaries.

I know you don't want to report it, but if you logically go through what would probably happen if you did, then it might not be so bad.

The police will want a statement, and then they will speak to him. He will deny and it will be your word against his and nothing will likely happen. HOWEVER, this is clearly a dangerous man and this will be on record, and he needs to be caught at some point. And you reporting this will help that. Maybe he is on record already and they need all the evidence of a pattern to help a case?

As for your DH, the shame you are feeling is not yours. You did nothing wrong. You got in a cab to go home. This man did something very wrong. Your husband should support you and believe you because he trusts you.

Oh my word! I'm so sorry you weren't believed all those years ago.

Look, I believe you, I don't think you're some kind of nut job who 'invites' assault. I know you feel alone, well, look at US, everyone on the thread! We're here for you. If it takes you writing it down to unscramble it, then please do so.

I am so sorry OP. How awful.

Take care of yourself today. And don't feel ashamed. You did nothing wrong.

I am so sorry you were not believed all those years ago and did not mean to infer that I would not be believe you if you had said something HAD happened. I just think that if it was a case of misconstrued communication with the taxi driver.. based in your op.. maybe you could have felt better that nothing serious or malicious had occurred. Of course it's wrong for a taxi driver to take someone to his home against their will... or if they are very intoxicated. .. but some people might not look that intoxicated even if they can't remember stuff.

I think that whilst if is very important to believe someone who says X happened it is perilous in several ways to immediately fill in a person's memory gaps with assumptions that y must have happened. As any counselor or lawyer will tell you that is one way to really bugger up both the possibility of actual true recall and maybe cause more actual distress if suggestions put in a person's mind that something happened that did not.

We can all do stupid things when we are drunk... I know I did when young. .. I was extremely lucky not to get raped when I was so drunk I naively went back to a man's hotel room " for a coffee" ... I hate the stuff ! ... then stopped him once I came to my senses and realised what he wanted. So I do know one can give off an impression we don't mean when we are drunk.

So I was asking the question to see if that might be a possible scenario.... maybe easier to live with than one of rape and fear of all the possible complications that brings.

I wish you well

On a practical note to help you remember. I found an experienced counsellor helped me to recall blanks in my fractured memories without making any of her own suggestions ... very important . Maybe if you could chat to a councillor or to a rape support group it might help.... memories come back easier in a relaxed setting with supportive trusted people around .

Yes, tazzle, instead of filling the gaps in the OP's recollection with the fact that it is always completely inappropriate for a taxi driver to take a fare home with him, especially one that is in any way intoxicated, let's fill her head with the idea that she ended up upstairs in his house with no knickers or tights on as a result of some 'stupid things' she did while drunk.

...

ODFOD.

OP. My dad was a taxi driver (and then owner of a taxi sub-business within another taxi firm) for many years and I have never, ever heard of a taxi driver taking a fare home, except for one guy mentioning doing so on TV once. Never IRL. Please consider reporting this dangerous person.

Hi op, I'm really sorry this happened to you. The driver is a bastard and he took
advantage. He was sober and in control and you were really drunk. He should never have taken you anywhere but to your home.

You said you were worried that if you told your dh then you wouldn't be allowed out again. Do you really think that your dh would react like that? Remember you have done nothing wrong here. Are you just worried to tell him based on the past experience with your ex, or have you got real reason to doubt his support?

I hope you're OK. For what it's worth I don't think you were raped as I'm sure you'd be in pain if you were. Plus the tampon being there still makes it seem unlikely.

If you can, I think it would be great to share it with your husband and if you feel able to, to report the driver responsible. I understand the feeling of shame and confusion but he was the one in the wrong here. He was sober and in a professional capacity as a cab driver. He should never have taken a drunk woman back to his house.

OP - is your DH a controlling disbelieving type? Is he likely to prevent you from ever going out again? Is he likely to blame you for being drunk and therefore responsible for someone abducting you?
If any of that is the case then I can entirely see why you don't want to report this incident, or bring any of it to his attention.

If, otoh, he is a kind supportive DH, would it not be fairer to assume he is NOT the same as your previous boyfriend (who sounds like an immature twat, quite frankly) and let him know that something bad happened to you but you honestly don't know what?

I realise you have no actual responsibility to anyone else - but if this man gets hold of another woman in a similar situation, she might end up getting raped. So I would still consider reporting him for the abduction.

Nowhere black rider have I said she is or was stupid...or made thing up... or that she did give the wrong impression. Some posters have made strong suggestions about what might have happened but we don't know. That's not doubting her word at all

I hope you remember enough to leave little doubt as to what happened so a report would be strong enough to be upheld ... that was really what I meant just rather than any doubt of you personally. If you reported this man and he alleged you went willingly and you can't remember anything to prove he took you to his house I meant only that it might not be taken as seriously by taxi firm.

I apologise just if my wording last night caused any distress... I know what it's like to try and report confusing memories to the police and had to eventually drop it all ... that's why I was saying about trying to get as much as possible straight in your mind.

I have reread my post black rider. . I said stupid but I meant the reference to my own actions on that occasion. .. The other memories are related to childhood issues and I know how hard it is to put memories together with enough clarity to not only be sure but to convince others.

Could there be a possibility just accidently gave the taxi driver the wrong impression is the point... no one knows. It does not excuse that fact he took her at all . If just cannot remember coercion and he says she went willingly there and up stairs in his house until.she can remember more.... and I have said what was useful for me in an effort to help ... its hard for her to be able to get the most out of reporting him for any offences. Believe me or not I am actually trying to help by looking at this in a less "involved" way. I have not slept all night nor much night before so may not be as coherent as I could be.

If I am not being of any use at all to you just or upsetting you then please say so and I will leave the thread.

I am not implying deliberate act in giving wrong impression.... just being chatty or friendly or not noticing you were being driven wrong house etc... maybe that's where my choice of words was poor.

Could there be a possibility just accidently gave the taxi driver the wrong impression is the point

No!

Taxi driver is being paid to take their fares home. End of. You are not helping by inferring that someone gave someone the wrong impression at all.

All you are doing is making excuses for his behaviour which in itself is the reason people don't report these things because people will try and make excuses and blame the victim for their behaviour.

he says she went willingly there and up stairs in his house

She was in his cab for a paid ride home. There is no willingly or not willingly. It should never have happened in the first place. His job was to take her home and take payment for that.

Tazzle I really think you need to hang back from posting on potential triggering threads right now and do some reading up on consent.

You do not know what damage you might be causing to someone who had been the victim of a sexual assault.