Not attracted to DH but to another man

[sweetmuffins]

Is it normal to feel attracted to men other than your DH although you know you love DH? Has anyone felt this way and is it dangerous to your marriage although you know you won't ever act on those feelings, ever?

I don't feel the flutter of excitement with DH that I have recently started to feel with another man that I met. I've been with DH for 12 years, 10 of them married.

I have 5yo DD and I love both her and DH v much. Would never do anything to hurt them and would never leave DH as he's a good man and loves me and our DD with all of his heart. I'd never stray as I've too much respect for my DH and DD and our family to do anything to break up my family.

I've just found myself fantasising about this other guy who I find incredibly attractive. He's my DD's swimming instructor at the leisure centre that I've recently started to take DD to for lessons. He's not your strikingly good looking guy but he's great to chat to and likes to laugh and doesn't take himself too seriously. He's also really good with DD which makes him so attractive in my eyes and is such a nice guy (my DH has never been a swimmer and won't take DD swimming and doesn't see it as necessary). I'm so attracted to this other guy's personality and the fact he's toned but not muscular.

Is it ok to feel like this? Has anyone ever been in this position but loved DH too much to ever act on their attraction to another man? I hate feeling like this and just want to leave the leisure centre but DD is doing so well under his guidance. She struggled to learn to swim at another centre and didn't like water at all (possibly due to late intro to water) so I don't want to upset that.

it's OK to find men other than your husband attractive. If you never did you'd probably be brain-dead. It's what you choose to do about it that's important. I reckon every married man who pleasures himself in private isn't thinking about his beloved wife.

Sorry but no, I don't think it's ok to feel like this.

Think of it this way, you don't know him, you see a snapshot of him, he's just as dull as your DH in RL-if he hasa DW she could probably write part of your op.

You've been together a while, every day life usually is boring, it's up to you & DH to change it & mix it up if you're not satisfied.

Of course it's OK to find other people attractive!! You're only married... you've not stopped being a human being. Crushes are normal and as long as you recognise them for what they are rather than indulging too much of your time and effort in a romantic fantasy, they can be quite fun. Put a spring in your step.

Is your DH quite a secure man? Could you talk to him about the 'hunk at the pool' in a lighthearted way? Strikes me that you feel quite furtive in admiring this other man and that, if you talked about him more openly rather than regarding him as a shameful secret, it would stop being so exciting.

Relax, OP - your reaction is called having a pulse.

Let me clarify, attraction is fine- fantasising, too far.

Would you be happy for dh/dp to be doing the same?

Don't worry about it. I think my DP is freaking gorgeous but was still embarrassed last summer when I was checking out a buff topless chap in the park under cover of my sunglasses when DP (walking alongside) said 'i CAN see what you're doing' hehe.

You've just reminded me..... there's a DHL courier driver operates in my area and he's achingly handsome and charming. Word has got around the local women, there are breathless FB status updates and I think people are ordering extra parcels on purpose. LOL! I opened the door last week in daggy cardigan and curlers and yep... it was 'The Gorgeous One'.

Thanks MNers. It seems generally it's safe to feel attracted to men other than DH. As I said, I would never ever act on it. I do really enjoy going to my DD's swimming lessons for not only her benefit but for me to admire the "hunk at the pool", ha-ha-ha! It DOES make it more exciting.

'fantasising too far'

But fantasies are private things. We're all allowed to indulge a little head-space happily imagining things we've no intention of actually doing. Healthy release of emotions.... good and bad. It's only when it gets in the way of leading a normal life and interfering with real relationships that it's potentially problematic.

Your actions are what matter. You can think what you want - there is no such thing as thought crime!

Keep this confined to your head and all will be fine.

It awakened something inside me when I met this guy at the pool and realised I still had the ability to feel any attraction towards another person. You're correct, Bolshier, I do need to do something to spice up my marriage a bit to create some excitement.

@ Cogito's local "Pat Mustard" DHL courier.

Glad you think so, clearly its ok for you to think that way-the DHL guy is a crush-not a fantasy . If I was to discover that DH was fantasising about someone else I dont think i'd be best pleased. If that makes me an exception so be it

'Pat Mustard' is spot on Mademan... The FB status update that 'he asked to put his massive tool in my box' is just a matter of time.

@Bolshier... I think you're splitting hairs about the difference between a crush and a fantasy. How good are your mind-reading skills exactly? :)

Am I missing something? The fact you have a crush aside, why is everyone okaying the fact you aren't attracted to your husband!? Yes I think this is a big deal and you're making up for the missing attraction and intimacy in your relationship by concerning yourself with this other man.

You need to ask yourself WHY you are no longer attracted to your husband and try to rebuild your intimacy.

She didn't say she wasn't attracted to her DH, she said she didn't have the 'flutter of excitement'. Compared to the thrill of someone posing round a swimming pool, any partner of 12 years is going to struggle when it comes to excitement.

Cog-thread title says just that...

Very true. Clearly more context is required. Perhaps the OP could convince her DH to dab chlorine behind his ears....?

As an aside I think it's weird that your husband doesn't think it's a necessity for your daughter to learn to swim. Apart from the fun and sports it can provide, it can also be a life saver.

So good for you for providing that chance for her and hey, a bit of eye candy is always good

I am generally not attracted to DH. I don't know if it's down to boredom?

Possibly. 'Familiarity breeds contempt' and all that. Maybe he's not an attractive person? Only you can say for sure.

When I was with my ex-partner (of 10 years), I never once found myself attracted to, had flutters of excitement about, or fantasised about other women. I might acknowledge someone was conventionally attractive, but that is very different to being attracted TO someone.

And I'm one of those 'men' creatures!

You poor thing DrSethHazlittMD...

I know, Cog, fate dealt me a rubbish hand

I find crushes and fantasies normal, someone asked how would you feel if your husband was doing this, I would assume he is! We both work in industries where we meet reasonably attractive intelligent people, it would be odd if we never ever met another compatible type person.

And- swimming teachers will have great bodies, not to state the obvious!

However you are also more vulnerable to this because you basically don't seem to fancy your partner, which is a whole other ball-game. Do you think this might be revived? Do you ever find him attractive? I think it is this that is the danger to your long-term marriage, not some guy at the swimming pool who is the current repository of all your attraction/interest.