Not attracted to DH but to another man

[sweetmuffins]

Is it normal to feel attracted to men other than your DH although you know you love DH? Has anyone felt this way and is it dangerous to your marriage although you know you won't ever act on those feelings, ever?

I don't feel the flutter of excitement with DH that I have recently started to feel with another man that I met. I've been with DH for 12 years, 10 of them married.

I have 5yo DD and I love both her and DH v much. Would never do anything to hurt them and would never leave DH as he's a good man and loves me and our DD with all of his heart. I'd never stray as I've too much respect for my DH and DD and our family to do anything to break up my family.

I've just found myself fantasising about this other guy who I find incredibly attractive. He's my DD's swimming instructor at the leisure centre that I've recently started to take DD to for lessons. He's not your strikingly good looking guy but he's great to chat to and likes to laugh and doesn't take himself too seriously. He's also really good with DD which makes him so attractive in my eyes and is such a nice guy (my DH has never been a swimmer and won't take DD swimming and doesn't see it as necessary). I'm so attracted to this other guy's personality and the fact he's toned but not muscular.

Is it ok to feel like this? Has anyone ever been in this position but loved DH too much to ever act on their attraction to another man? I hate feeling like this and just want to leave the leisure centre but DD is doing so well under his guidance. She struggled to learn to swim at another centre and didn't like water at all (possibly due to late intro to water) so I don't want to upset that.

Checking out people who are not your OH = Fine.

Fancying people who are not your OH = Fine, inevitable.

Fantasising about those people = Also fine, also inevitable.

Talking to your OH about those feelings and fantasies = Should be fine.

Acting on those fantasies = Only fine if you have a mutually agreed arrangement with your partner.

Is everyone attracted to their DHs and do you feel the same attraction even after many years of marriage?

Are there any MNers out there who can say hand on heart that you still find your DH as attractive to you as the first time you got together?

Am with others - feeling a crush is fine, but personally I would tend to avoid thinking about it if it's someone I will / could see regularly as it saves both temptation and embarrassment.

I think actual fantasising is best kept for the truly fantastical iyswim.

I'm currently single/dating but right up until we split I wanted sex with my partner. Obviously not the stomach turning (not churning! ) giddy excited stuff we shared in the early days but I did fancy him.
In the past I have had relationships where I couldn't even contemplate sleeping with them and when it got to that point I ended them.
Where are you on that spectrum?

Hi Ouch, I can put up with sex with DH when it's my fertile time of the month. In fact, I welcome it as I just need it at that time and, as a man with a greater sex drive, he happily gives it as soon as I initiate it. So it's not that we never have sex. It might only be 3-4 times a month mainly concentrated round my ovulation (hence a strong desire for sex). I will have sex with him against my desire during my less 'horny' days to keep him happy. And tbh, I'm NOT fantasising about any other man including the "hunk from the pool". But when he touches me and tries to initiate foreplay when I'm not in the mood, I still go with it but he doesn't see me grit my teeth to try to bear it. Surely, I shouldn't feel like this?

I just don't fancy him. I know every day life is tough and may cause boredom within a relationship but I'm missing the excitement. He has only in recent months finally mastered how to make me reach "The Big O" whilst we are at it. Before then, in 12 years of being together, I could count on two hands how many times I climaxed with him.

Although now he's getting good and knows what sensations I like to produce orgasm, I just don't fancy him and shudder to even think of his man parts and hand down there.

When we first met at uni, I couldn't get enough of him. We were always at it easily 4-5 times a week. This was despite me not climaxing but I didn't care. I still had a strong desire to have him. I'd skip my lectures to go to visit him in his student accommodation. Looking back, we were constantly touching, kissing and cuddling each other. Whenever we were out at night, I'd have to hold his hand to feel him close by my side nearly all the time. When we went for meals with friends or either of our families or at someone's house, I'd always want to sit next to him and if I didn't, especially when I didn't know his family that well, I'd feel like I was missing something and constantly think about him although he might only be sitting opposite me. I was madly in love with him, loved his humour, his body toned with a slight six-pack and rippled to perfection from the times he used to go to the gym to work out. I fancied him so much in those days and that would have been up until we had DD.

We now bicker more often than not. We both work as full-time managers in our respective occupations and have little time for each other or DD during the week as we both arrive home knackered. We just fall out over the smallest things.

I want back those times we used to share in the first few years and I want those feelings of excitement again. I know we still love each other and we sometimes still mess about like we used to back then. But I don't feel the attraction or neediness that I used to.

My DD's swimming instructor is just pure fit. Personality, attitude, that gorgeous body. He's not mine to touch so I don't. I'd like to think I can exercise a good deal of self-control when it comes to men I can't have.

But you only see him for a small amount of time. Picture him getting home, turning the football on, scratching his bollocks, not lifting a finger, farting all night because he could be exactly like that. It is purely a physical attraction at the moment, you dont know enough about him to know what he is really like.

I think you have just got lost in the fog of life. Hard work and long hours in managerial jobs, juggling childcare etc (kids are never great for couples sex lives and time for each other) and maybe an element of getting together too young and not experiencing enough other people to really know what floats your boat.

Sickoffrozen you are correct. We got together when I was 20. He'd had a couple of relationships before me. I'd just had the one before meeting him. DH floated my boat at the time, just not any more. But I totally get you: I only see a snippet of the pool guy. The reality is far from the fantasy! Scratching bollocks and farting all night is one image I can't get out of my head! Lol!

I'm not sure what the answer is though sweet.

Are there any things he could do that you would see positively and maybe start to develop those feelings again? If so, just open up the discussion because believe me if you are in your 30's then the next 50 years is going to be extremely long for you, gritting your teeth etc....

I find people just fall into laziness in relationships and start to take each other for granted once the honeymoon period wears off and certainly once kids come along. It takes a lot of effort on both sides to overcome this tedium and start to have fun as a couple again.

However if it doesn't work and you still feel like this after exhausting all options then I really would suggest going your separate ways but BEFORE you get involved with anyone else. Affairs are really destructive and can lead to years of resentment if you are not careful. Handled well, two parents who love their child(ren) can have a very amicable split and both find happiness elsewhere without damaging the child too much.

If you are having to grit your teeth to have sex then you really do have a serious problem (and try to stop doing that! you shouldn't have sex unless you're really up for it, that alone will kill off any desire)

If you think you can get back to how things used to be then go for it, but you do have to put some effort into it. What do you do on the weekends and evenings, do you do nice things together? Is there any way you could get away for a weekend together? You can't talk yourself into fancying him again, you need to spend time together, laughing and having fun.

It's normal for that early obsession to fade but not to this extent. I definitely still get the flutters over DH (together 8 years).

It's also possible you won't be able to fancy him again and you know what, it happens. Don't be hard on yourself. But don't spend the rest of your life forcing yourself to have sex, that is so self-destructive.

Sorry just to clarify -- if you really cannot manage to fancy him again, then you should split up, because that is no way to live your life.

Op do you love your dh? Physical attraction can change but tbh when it gets to the point of not wanting someone to touch you then it's time to reassess where things have changed.

Forget about the swimming pool bloke for a minute. The reality is that he's just some fit bloke really, and you know nothing about him. It's no different to looking at someone on tv and thinking "mmm I would." You can get things back or at least do things to try and rekindle those feelings, but you have to put the effort in. Make time for each other, get a babysitter and go out for the evening, get dd to stay with your parents and go away for a night. or just get a pizza and a film and spend the evening together when dd is in bed. Try to remember what it was about him that attracted you in the first place, and ask yourself whether those qualities are still there.

Don't see another fit bloke as what you could have if only you weren't with your dh, see it as what you remember having with your dh and a reminder to work together to get it back. I know you've said you wouldn't ever cheat on him, but the point at which you're admitting that you're not attracted to your husband in favour of someone else is the point at which you are potentially vulnerable, when a chat can lead to a text, or two and then the fantasy turns into something more. Don't even consider going there.

The most obvious thing to do is to stop having sex when you really don't feel like it. This will absolutely kill any desire the rest of the time, and also isn't fair to your husband as he's not getting the right feedback that you are not interested. There's a big difference between being not that into it to start with and then really warming up on the odd occasion and what you describe, which is almost like repulsion.

This may trigger a conversation which could be difficult, but surely better than what you are doing now.

The fit guy at the pool is irrelevant, there are 1000's of fit guys in the world, you see his caring, nice side as he's teaching- that's his job, that's not him and it's pointless even thinking about that.

I think some difficult conversations might need to be had with your husband- perhaps about how things are going, what you think about the future.

I think your fantasy life is blossoming as you don't like your real life.

I don't think pool guy is the issue, there are obviously problems in your marriage

Have you spoke to dh about how you feel, (not about pool guy) but about the marriage in general?

And er are there pictures of the DHL guy?????

Your advice on here is so much appreciated. Thanks everyone. I've yet to tell my BFF about all this. She's known me for more than half my life and knows what sort of stage I was at when I first met DH. She'd surely tell me off for even having eyes for someone other than DH as she knows DH and I love each other. I've got to say this is the first time I've felt any sort of proper crush on anyone, and I don't want to feel this way. I'd love it if I never had a crush on anyone ever again as it's not a good place to be when you're (happily?) married.

Thenapoleon, I've thought about what you said. And you are so right. I don't really know Pool Guy that much. We chat a lot and he's nice and friendly (and hunky, hot, v sexy...) but in reality, he's doing his job and I need to remind myself of that.

DH and I don't really do much together as a couple. We do stuff with DD as a family but in terms of our own time, never. We don't have date nights, we don't do anything spontaneous. He's often exhausted from work and enjoys spending time sleeping at the weekend. I'm normally playing with DD, doing a week's housework and laundry and sorting out bills/banking/mundane finance stuff for us. He doesn't have any hobbies. Doesn't go out with his mates much and just likes to mope around at home and "catch up on sleep".

Our best times are when we are all in the car together going to visit family on an hour-long trip. That's when we catch up and chat and laugh. But when at home, we are off doing our own thing, him sleeping and going on his laptop watching youtube vids and on his mobile, me doing the cooking and cleaning and laundry and trying to entertain DD at the same time. It's tough.

All of your posts have made me realise I need to address these issues with DH. I've not mentioned any of this to him. He'd flip. He can be so not understanding a lot of the time. I think I can't continue to live like this but splitting up is not something I'd ever do. We have joint finances, joint lives, a child between us, properties in joint names. I'm not suggesting that I'd stay with him in order to avoid messing up the practical side of things, but I don't see, and have never seen myself as one to throw in the towel at the first sign that something is not quite right.

I don't want to feel repulsed by DH touching me, but I do. I seriously don't intend to end the marriage as it would hurt all of us. All this has made me realise I need to address my marriage issues first and foremost.

So he spends the weekend sleeping and goofing around online, while you do all the housework and keep DD entertained? Why on earth do you put up with that?

Between this and his inability to please you sexually until very recently, he sounds like a very selfish person. And what does 'he is not understanding a lot of the time' mean?

Sorry but it sounds like you have a LOT of issues to work out. I understand you don't want to jump ship but things really need to change a lot.

Dreaming, I put up with it as I love him. He's actually very lucky I've not left him as he does leave most domestic things to me. We both work long days and after I've prepared everything for the next day including getting his lunch and clothes ready, he's normally fallen asleep in front of the telly. It's normally times like this I resent him most. We both have lots of demands on our time. I could do with having a bit of time to myself too like he does. He doesn't understand me. He once said to me that I shouldn't think men and women are equal. That's far too modern thinking. He says he's the head of the family which I took to mean I had to bear the burden of doing the housework as well as bringing in the bread-winning income as well as look after DD. I'm fed up. I suffer enough. It's this that is making me feel repulsion when he tries to initiate sex. I mean, can anyone else possibly get intimate with a man who behaves like this? My sex life is suffering as I don't feel any attraction to DH. I don't talk to him about it as he would feel insulted, throw one of his strops and blow everything out of proportion and treat it as though it's the end of the world. I can't imagine many women being as patient as I feel I have been with him.

Should I leave him?

I just feel so trapped and want to cry

Oh you poor thing

As an outsider, I think he sounds horrible and there's no way you should waste your life with this man. Nor should your daughter grow up thinking his attitude is normal. So yes, if there is no hope of things changing, I would leave. Then someday you will have a chance to love someone else who isn't such a jerk.

But I know it's easy to say, it's hard to do. Why do you think you still love him? Again, as an outsider, it is difficult to see why you would have any feelings for him.

Have you ever had counselling? Or talked to any friends about this?

I know you must feel trapped but you are NOT trapped. He is just a man and you are not his slave. Your life doesn't have to be like this.

Hi dreamingbohemian, thanks for taking the time to respond. So I'm not the only one thinking he's acting unreasonably.

I've not had counselling. DH isn't into all of that sort of thing. He's so stubborn and always, always thinks he's right as the man of the family. But there are often times he's just so wrong but won't admit to it. In arguments, if he feels he's losing, he will just say he doesn't want to talk about it any more then may rush out of the house and drive off like a maniac. I'm worried about him at times like this as he's quite possibly going to hurt himself driving so erratically. My MIL has witnessed this foul mood of his before. He can't control his temper. He runs off in a rage and is full of anger and I think he acts like this in order to secure my subservience to him almost, as he his ability with words is quite limited. I hate it when he is like this. If he doesn't want to do something, he won't. So if I suggested counselling, he won't even go there and will tell me it's useless.

There's many things we disagree on but he always wants to be right. As his desire to win an argument is stronger than mine, I just let him win and shut up in order to avoid the rage that I've witnessed too many times before.

I've had enough of him and his ways. But I know I won't do anything as drastic as to leave him. He says his life would be over if I ever left him or if ever I became involved with another man. He's possessive in that respect.

I don't know why I say I love him. When I say the words to him, I feel like I'm lying as I don't mean it really. I used to say it and mean it from the bottom of my heart. I think I'm deluding myself that I still love him due to a fear of what my life would be if I didn't love him and were to leave him.

I don't want to end things with him as he does love me and I'm not sure there's anyone else out there who would love me the way he does. He does all sorts for me. Whenever I complain about something small like the car wipers are murky, he will immediately attend to that to ensure my safety. If I were to say I've got a tummy ache, he will go out of his way to get a suitable remedy. If I've run out of tampons, he will run to the shops to get them for me without me asking. He sometimes (though very rarely) will leave a handwritten note somewhere where he knows I will see it, saying he loves me very much and says we are together in everything we do. If for example, the heel of one of my shoes is broken, he will without hesitation suggest we go shopping to get a new pair of shoes and that we won't come home until we find one. And he despises shopping.

I don't know many men who will do all this. Or am I just naive, and in fact, all men do this for their DWs?

I think he loves me more than I love him.

I'm amazed that bringing up the subject of fancying a hunk at the pool has prompted questions from MNers that have made me look at the issues within my marriage itself. I think I'm far clearer about the issues now. This IS my counselling!

I meant counselling just for you actually -- he sounds emotionally abusive and joint counselling is never a good idea in that case. If you could see someone on your own, they could help you unpick your feelings and hopefully figure out a way forward.

Are you worried he will ever be physically violent to you, in one of his tempers? Above all else, you need to be careful.

Don't believe for a moment that no one else would ever love you. That is low self-esteem talking.

All those nice things he does -- of course he is nice sometimes, if he was horrible all the time, you would leave. All those examples you give, I think those are very normal things that people do for those they love. They certainly don't justify all the bad things he does!

What you deserve is someone who will do those nice things AND treat you respectfully and as an equal AND who will please you sexually and you will fancy. I imagine that must sound impossible, and sure, that's why sometimes we have to date a lot before we find the right guy. But they are out there. And honestly, you cannot spend your life with an emotionally abusive man, forcing yourself to have sex, you will self-destruct eventually.

This is the fastest conversion from loving a man, to seemingly realising that you do not love him, that I have ever witnessed on MN. Take your time OP and think deeply about the issues that you have raised. As you dont seem in a rush to leave your husband then you might consider IC. From what you have stated, your husband doesnt seem to be be good relationship material, but are you?