Not attracted to DH but to another man

[sweetmuffins]

Is it normal to feel attracted to men other than your DH although you know you love DH? Has anyone felt this way and is it dangerous to your marriage although you know you won't ever act on those feelings, ever?

I don't feel the flutter of excitement with DH that I have recently started to feel with another man that I met. I've been with DH for 12 years, 10 of them married.

I have 5yo DD and I love both her and DH v much. Would never do anything to hurt them and would never leave DH as he's a good man and loves me and our DD with all of his heart. I'd never stray as I've too much respect for my DH and DD and our family to do anything to break up my family.

I've just found myself fantasising about this other guy who I find incredibly attractive. He's my DD's swimming instructor at the leisure centre that I've recently started to take DD to for lessons. He's not your strikingly good looking guy but he's great to chat to and likes to laugh and doesn't take himself too seriously. He's also really good with DD which makes him so attractive in my eyes and is such a nice guy (my DH has never been a swimmer and won't take DD swimming and doesn't see it as necessary). I'm so attracted to this other guy's personality and the fact he's toned but not muscular.

Is it ok to feel like this? Has anyone ever been in this position but loved DH too much to ever act on their attraction to another man? I hate feeling like this and just want to leave the leisure centre but DD is doing so well under his guidance. She struggled to learn to swim at another centre and didn't like water at all (possibly due to late intro to water) so I don't want to upset that.

Sorry not posted on here for a few weeks. Blooming, you are right. It's like I'm changing my mind about DH all the time. He has good points and I used to consider these to outweigh the bad. But now, I'm so irritated by most things he does that I have lost any ounce of attraction I used to feel for him. I find him quite repulsive and when he tries to initiate sex, although I do go with it many times to keep him happy like last night, I just mostly cannot stand the thought of his penis inside me. I gag at the thought. It's making me feel ill thinking of having sex with him.

I love DH but I feel it's the love that one may feel in a platonic friendship. I'm not IN love with him.

But I'm fantasising about another man. I find many men apart from my DH attractive. If it's not my ovulating time of the month, I have to imagine I'm sleeping with the swimming instructor to be able to bear the intercourse.

And the swimming instructor has been smiling at me loads and come to chat to me a lot recently too. His smile has been captivating...

lol at op. You old fool.

It is impossible to restore a spousal relationship if your head is that full of someone else.

And remember that the 'permission for affair' script covers pretty much exactly what you are saying.

It would be much better, and save pain and difficulty all round, to deal with your marriage (either way) before selecting the next man. Not least because what you learn about yourself from a period of living independently after the end of a marriage, can completely change what you think you are looking for.

AuntieStella I think you are right. If I have a "cooling off" period, I think I may have a better head to deal with this. But I can't bring myself to divorce him. Therein lies my apprehension

OP, Stella is correct. You are fantasising about another man and hence your husband seems unattractive. Do you really expect to be lusting after him after all these years? For most that intense lust phase slowly dissipates, and is replaced by one of tenderness and care - true love. Thats not to say that you wouldnt still want sex but that its no longer the urgent must have` that it used to be. It feels warm and safe, but it can be spiced up, if you want to work on it. You seem to be equating love with lust. Now that you are lusting after this swimming instructor, you are simultaneously finding reasons why your husband comes a poor second. You have to do this, because otherwise what does this make you?

We all fancy others, especially those we consider fit, but you will be making a mistake if you embark on an affair (assuming that is available). Have some counselling and look honestly at yourself. If your marriage is poor then get out and live on your own for a while, but don`t be unfaithful. If you are it will have a profound affect on you in future years. We all have to pay when we do things that we know are wrong!

Do you think you may benefit from seeing a solicitor, just to get some info on what exactly is likely to happen if you split up? From reading the thread I think there is a very big power imbalance in the relationship - he is the man of the house and what he says, goes, and you're letting yourself have your head turned by a distraction that stops you tackling your marriage issues.

Maybe being armed with solicitors info would help you feel like you have managed and prepared for the worst outcome, so sitting your DH down and telling him what you need won't be so bad?

Also, I have no idea why he's not helping around the house or with your DD but that is something you could tackle straight away. Who could possibly feel attracted to a man who will happily watch you work yourself into exhaustion, took years to learn how to be good in bed and thinks he's superior because he's a man?

Sweet muffins, you need to leave your h. What you are doing is pretty bad. If he revolts you then give him a chance to find to find someone who can love him.

OP, I will be coming back to this thread when I have a little more time to post properly, but I just wanted to tell you you're not alone to have found yourself at this place in your marriage. A LOT of what you wrote mirrors things that are taking place in mine, and things have even gone a little further for me emotionally in that despite my best efforts not to, I have totally fallen for a male friend, although I would never cheat on DH and I know my friend wouldn't cheat on his partner - the feelings are too strong to ignore, though, and at this point I really don't know what I am going to do so I totally get your conflicted feelings over all this.
Unfortunately the years can take their toll, and foibles of a partner's that started out being merely irritating can really wear away at the love we started off feeling. Human beings can behave extremely unattractively at times and it does take its toll on the whole attraction thing. At the same time, when we are continuing to see signs that they love us, the guilt can get overwhelming. It's all too easy to get to the point you describe, but much harder to know what to do about it, in my experience. I can totally relate! Will post more when I get a minute, but hang in there!

I've not had counselling. DH isn't into all of that sort of thing. He's so stubborn and always, always thinks he's right as the man of the family. But there are often times he's just so wrong but won't admit to it.

There's many things we disagree on but he always wants to be right. As his desire to win an argument is stronger than mine, I just let him win and shut up in order to avoid the rage that I've witnessed too many times before.

It's not the 1950s, you are entitled to have an opinion, and he isn't always going to be right. This sounds very controlling. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership.

He says he's the head of the family which I took to mean I had to bear the burden of doing the housework as well as bringing in the bread-winning income as well as look after DD.

So you're the major wage earner but still expected to do the childcare and housework? What does he do? Again, marriage is supposed to be a partnership.

I've had enough of him and his ways. But I know I won't do anything as drastic as to leave him. He says his life would be over if I ever left him or if ever I became involved with another man. He's possessive in that respect.

Another form of controlling behaviour. Of course you can leave him if you decide the marriage isn't for you. He doesn't own you.

There are other pointers that indicate to me that this man isn't really nice, but those above stood out to me.

And coupled with your feelings about having sex with him, I'd say you really need that individual counselling to sort yourself and your feelings out. Do you want your DD growing up to believe this is how relationships work?

Of course there will be things you dont like about him, as there will be things he doesnt like about you, OP. Be very careful in this situation, as these faults will be magnified. Please also be very careful as to what advice you accept. I get the impression that you want to work on your marriage, so inform your husband of your concerns and give him a chance to respond and possibly change. As it is highly likely there will be things about you that he doesn`t like, then you will also have work to do, assuming that is, that you want to stay in the marriage.

The swimming instructor is a very dangerous distraction. Its not about him, its about you, and your husband. Have some IC. See what this is really about.

Isn't it possible that sometimes simply life takes its toll and we just fall out of love?

I am sure that "life takes its toll", but that is what OP needs to find out. It could well be that she is no longer in love with her husband, but equally it could be that she has a specific emotional problem (or they both have). From what OP states the marriage doesnt seem poisonous and she wants to work on it. I am curious as to whether this is a desire that fills something lacking within OP, that isnt necessarily caused by a poor relationship. Its so common to hear individuals state that there must be something wrong with their marriage when they no longer feel sexually turned on, and then they make the seemingly obvious conclusion that this must be the fault of their partner, or a simple lack of chemistry`. It ignores the individual who has this lack of passion. The ability to understand our own emotions is the key to self-esteem and hence happiness. The ability to accept that we might have a problem is key to this happiness, and hence to true growth. Sorry if it sounds like I am preaching, but so many people ruin their lives (and their relationships), only to realise years later that they made a big mistake. Some bitterly regret it for the rest of their lives.

Find a good counsellor. It will be the best money you ever spend.

I understand, and you don't sound preachy. The issues you mention here are actually ones I struggle with and my situation is very similar to the OP's, so I'm interested to read the thoughts people are expressing here.

It is hard to accept that the world we think we live in, may not be the real one (whatever that is!). Unless we have high self-esteem then we are more likely to view this world incorrectly (sounds very arrogant), because our feelings impair our judgement. The acceptance of oneself is possible when we truly start to believe that we are beautiful (not physically) people, then it is easier to accept our faults. Once started then work like this becomes a lifetime`s mission. We can always be happier!

This higher self-esteem allows us to face problems head on and to cope better. Problems there will always be. Frequently the first problem we have to face is the possible negative affect of our childhood. Thus endeth the sermon.

Bloomingflower, what you say is right. I can't say I'd ever embark on an affair. I'd never be unfaithful. But my feeling is if another man such as Hot Pool Guy did kiss me as in my fantasies, then I wouldn't put up much resistance, although that is as far as it can go. It still wouldn't be right but I feel my marriage and relationship is so far lost that I don't know how the intimacy could be restored. I can't tell him I'm not attracted to him as he will jump off a cliff or do something equally as drastic. I still care deeply about him and wouldn't want anything bad to him but I just don't fancy him.

FryOne, I'm being too harsh in DH when reading what you quoted back to me. He is a good man and loving DH and father. But he is possessive. He will e.g. touch me down below and say things like "no one else is allowed to touch you like that cause you're mine". I don't know any friends' DHs who say that?!?! It's understandable no one wants their DP felt up by someone else but to actually vocalise it is bordering on cringey and a bit sick to me. Does anyone here agree? Sometimes, I do want him to just shut up and not say things like this. It's a massive turn-off. But if I told him, he will think I'm rejecting him (which obviously I am).

I want to save my marriage so maybe counselling needs to be on the menu l.

Duckbilled, sorry to hear you are also having difficulties akin to mine. Hope your situation is sorted too.

Willywonkola, I feel guilty as hell feeling the way I do. But I don't want to end it with DH the more I think of it. He's a fantastic dad and DD adores him. We couldn't have her splitting her time between us if we were to go our separate ways. That would be so terrible for our family unit.

I just don't want to feel the way I do. Perhaps it IS myself and my attitude towards this marriage that I need to address. I hate myself for even looking at other men and even getting to the point of wanting another man to kiss me, and fantasising that we actually go further (though I won't in RL, just in the fantasy world).

Is it just me or are human beings in general lustful and have inclinations to seek out intimacy where none is apparent in their existing relationship?

Sweet muffins, was that you on another thread that said even the size of his feet repulsed you?

"It's a massive turn-off. But if I told him, he will think I'm rejecting him (which obviously I am)".

Muffins. To communicate openly is now vital to your relationship. You are clearly annoyed that he touches you down below and then makes possessive, controlling comments. It`s up to you to tell him that you hate this, and that this is having a negative effect. You say that you are worried that he will feel rejected, yet you are worried about your lack of sexual desire towards him. Take the risk and tell him, or one day he might be rejected by you very badly. Give him a chance to change. He is unlikely to if he is in ignorance of how his behaviour affects you. Please do not avoid conflict.

Remember, you can change yourself but no-one else. Your actions, however, may cause another person to change, if that person chooses to do so. It will depend on how much he values you.

Winkola yes that's me. Sometimes I feel that I do love him and want to protect my marriage and see things more positively, but then at other times, I'm truly convinced it's all over and the marriage is doomed. Help me here. It's desperation that is causing my mind to be all over the place!

Blooming, I love how you are so philosophical almost! Are you actually a relationship counsellor in RL???? Should I just tell him? I can't bear to grit my teeth at being touched any more.

You don`t need to ask me whether you should tell him or not. Could you carry on like this for the next 20-30 years? Take command of your own destiny, but be gentle and understanding.