Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Telling him I didn't get an abortion like I said?

55 replies

kellycris11 · 15/03/2015 19:39

Hello

Recently I was speaking to somebody, just casually. We ended up meeting for something to eat and then ended up at his and then having sex. A condom was used but it broke halfway through so he took it off and continued sex (we were both very drunk)

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks later and I told him. He asked me to get rid of it and at the time I was so unsure what to do. My friend had an abortion a few months ago and is always telling me its the worst thing she has ever done and she is not the same person she used to be, I understand that not all experiences are the same but I was scared. I told him I didn't know and that he shouldn't worry (I was trying to act brave for myself) he said its not just my decision and regardless whether hes involved he would still have a kid out there (he said)

We left it for a few days and then he asked me if I was pregnant still, I said yes and he basically was very blunt, he said I was leaving him with no option but to be blunt to me. He said he will not be involved in the babies life and he will not feel bad about it and if I knew him properly I would know that he wouldn't care.

a couple of weeks later I booked an abortion and told him "don't worry I am not keeping it" he said "ok" I had to have an early scan before I got the abortion and after seeing the baby I couldn't do it but I didn't tell him.

I am now 15 weeks pregnant and just had my first official scan and can not do it. I feel like I need to/should tell him but I don't know how as he is going to realize I lied

OP posts:
LadyStark · 15/03/2015 19:43

Just do it, now, quickly. Rip the plaster off.

If he doesn't care and doesn't want anything to do with the baby it's not going to matter much anyway. It will mean you have done the right thing though.

Linguini · 15/03/2015 19:44

Well, he's going to find out eventually. Let him know you are entirely unable to have the abortion. That is understandable, btw I had one and for years it was on my mind constantly.

Not sure where he stands legally regarding cm as it was a one night stand, so expect to go through thus on your own. Ddon't expect anything from him.

tribpot · 15/03/2015 19:46

Well, eventually he's going to find out. It's up to you when you tell him.

The simple fact is, you intended to have an abortion and you changed your mind. You didn't lie to him - and even if you did, so what? It's your choice, not his.

His choice is not to be involved in the baby's life. I assume you have factored that in to your plans and have not made any assumptions about him being around. He does not get to choose whether he contributes towards the baby financially, although he can play the system if he choose to.

Possibly he will be very angry. So what? It's not really your problem, is it?

I would focus on your pregnancy and your wellbeing. If there is a risk he could find out from someone else I would let him know but note that you will not be drawn into conversation about it - you've made your decision and will respect his.

cheminotte · 15/03/2015 19:47

You didn't lie as when you spoke you intended to have an abortion. Better to tell him sooner rather than later, rather than hearing from someone else. I think he will still be liable for maintenance.

ByTheWishingWell · 15/03/2015 19:50

Telling him is the right thing to do. He doesn't sound nice at all though, so if you're telling him in person, meet somewhere public. Don't let him bully you- the decision is yours.

Good luck with the talk and your pregnancy. Flowers

MrsUrquhart · 15/03/2015 19:50

Give it to the fucker straight. He is trying to make you feel bad for not having an abortion. He wants you to make the wrong decision for you on one of the biggest things in the world just to make his life a bit easier. He is worthless. So he's not going to be involved in the baby's life - big whoop, who cares? He's a waste of space anyway. If he was that bothered about having a child, he should have got another condom.

It sounds like you feel guilty for keeping the baby - you shouldn't. He is monumentally arrogant to think that he can just bully you into doing whatever he wants over something so important.

Mitlillehus · 15/03/2015 19:50

you changed your mind, that's your prerogative.

I agree, rip the plaster off quickly. Just text him, without any trace of apology. "I changed my mind. I did not have an abortion. I am 15 weeks".

Don't whatever you do defend your decision. Let him know then forget about him and focus on your pregnancy.

Oh, btw

Congratulations! Flowers

Alanna1 · 15/03/2015 19:51

Have you told your midwife? Do you have people to support you emotionally (& do you need financial help)? I don't know what I'd do, but in your shoes I might not tell him until the 20 week scan or later. So that I couldn't be presssurised to change my mind. If I didn't want him involved later on, then I might not tell him until even later on in my pregnancy. But I would tell him, because your unborn child has a right to know. And sometimes some ex's are great (though he isn't sounding like one!!). I'd also if I could make sure his parents knew, because I think grandparents might help you regardless of what he does. Good luck OP, get yourself some hugs and support in RL too.

TheoriginalLEM · 15/03/2015 19:52

What the fuck does it have to do with him anyway? You have your baby and you give him the option of being involved in the baby's life. Then you get on to the CSA or whoever it is that makes father's pay up and make sure he does so.

I was in a similar situation, although he didn't tell me to have an abortion, it was too late by the time i found out i was pregnant (young and irregular periods). 24 years later and my DD tracked down her father, he didn't want to know and believed she wasn't his baby. I now wish to God i had made him pay maintainance because it would have been more real to him - or something. Fucking bastard - sorry, thats my story. But i can tell you one thing - It was hard, i was 19 and a single parent, but it was the single best thing that i have ever done. My DD is 24 now and a stunning young lady - im very proud of her.

AgentProvocateur · 15/03/2015 19:55

Horrible situation. I understand why you didn't go through with the abortion, but it leaves the man in an awful position. Can you afford to go it completely alone and not get any maintenance from him? That's what I'd do if I'd gone back on the agreement. Totally unfair to tell him your ending the pregnancy, change your mind, then expect him to pay for the child for 18 years. Good luck, OP. Hope it all works out for you.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 15/03/2015 19:58

It doesn't really matter if he doesn't want to be involved. He legally still has to pay

MrsUrquhart · 15/03/2015 20:06

If he didn't want to pay for a child for 18 years, maybe he should have used a condom.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 15/03/2015 20:07

Whether you continue with this pregnancy or not is entirely your decision. He does not have a say in it. You need to decide what is right for YOU at this stage in your life.

Legally he is responsible for child support if you decide to continue the pregnancy. Morally he is too - he chose to continue with sex after the condom split. This pregnancy is as much his doing as yours. That doesn't mean you will definitely get any money from him. He might become 'self employed' if he's determined enough not to pay.

You haven't lied, you have changed your mind and you're allowed to do that because it's your body, not his.

If you decide to continue with the pregnancy you next need to decide whether to keep him informed/involved and whether to pursue him for child support. From what you have written I wouldn't expect much from him at all.

Best of luck, whatever you decide Flowers

traceybaybee · 15/03/2015 20:30

Op my ex is like the guy in your story didnt want me to continue the pregnancy but i did and im so glad i did. Now 6 months pregnant and feeling my wee man kick is the best feeling ever. My baby doesnt need my ex as hes proved hes an absolute dick especially after totally blanking me when my waters started to break 2wks ago. Hes emigrating to australia and good riddance!

basgetti · 15/03/2015 20:40

No Agent, he put himself in an awful position when he chose to ejaculate without a condom. And why is it unfair for him to be liable for maintenance? Surely you aren't suggesting that a man's right to have consequence free sex trumps a child's right to be supported?

iloverunning36 · 15/03/2015 20:42

I agree with texting. And also it's your body and therefore your choice. He clearly wasn't planning on being with you and looking after you During and after abortion so isn't a very nice responsible person. You need no stress from him in your condition. My first child was unplanned drunken night with ex and his reaction upon being told by text was " you need to think about your options" and "what if I decide not to be involved" and "babies cost £10,000 per year, what do you expect from me?" (a veiled way of trying to get me to have an abortion) he ultimately supported me, coming to scans and eventually marrying me and he says his kids are the best thing to ever happen to him. Some men can change I suppose but you'll need to work on the assumption he won't. You'll be fine though. You don't mention if you already have kids but the most useful thing my mum said to me was "a year from now you'll have someone you love more than you've ever lived in your life - there's nothing better than seeing your baby smile in the morning" I can confirm this is true. Congratulations Flowers

iloverunning36 · 15/03/2015 20:43

Loved not lived

AgentProvocateur · 15/03/2015 20:46

He was using a condom. If broke. They both continued to have sex. They both agreed to abort. Now the OP has made a decision to go ahead and have the baby without consulting him further. Of course he has a legal obligation to pay for his child. Morally, if I was in the OP's position, and I could afford it, I would do without maintenance. That's what I'm suggesting.

43percentburnt · 15/03/2015 20:47

'He says it's not just my decision' that's where he is wrong. The last decision he truly had was whether to wear a condom. He made a decision. The next decision he gets to make is whether to be a father to the child.

Think carefully about surnames and birth certificates. Don't get drawn in whilst your hormones are raging and he re-enters the scene briefly. If he's still around in 5 years you can always change babies surname and add him to the birth certificate.

You cannot change the surname without his permission if he is on the birth certificate. Ensure you know the legalities.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 15/03/2015 20:49

Do you even like this man? I think the fact he doesn't want to be involved should be a relief to you as he sounds like an absolute cock and not someone you would want to be around your child.

It is up to you if you continue with this pregnancy, totally your choice either way.

BastardGoDarkly · 15/03/2015 20:49

Agent that's a very strange point of view.

He told her to have an abortion, and she didn't want to, there's no 'arrangement' she's gone back on Hmm

Op as long as you're not hoping for him to be involved in any other way other than financially, then you'll be fine I'm sure.

Good luck with everything and congratulations!

confuseddazed · 15/03/2015 20:52

OP when you sobered up in the morning, why didn't you get a morning after pill?

SolidGoldBrass · 15/03/2015 20:53

Yes, text him to let him know but then ignore him. If he starts to make a nuisance of himself ie harassing you to have an abortion, you can get the police involved if necessary. He may change his mind at some later date and want some involvement in the child's life but don't pin your hopes on it.

AgentProvocateur · 15/03/2015 20:56

Bastardgodarkly, I don't expect everyone to agree with me. I'm posting what I'D do if I were in the OP's shoes. But this isn't really helping the OP, so I'll bow out now.

ViccyMan2 · 15/03/2015 20:56

Tell him and move on with your life with baby. If you can get him to play/pay his part well and good, if not then so bit it.

I really believe only the woman has the final say whether to terminate or not. Now you made your choice knowing his feelings, you decided to be a single mum with all that entails. Absolutely no judgement meant by this but it's a fact and something I'm sure you've given thought to.

I hope you have good family and friends who can play a supportive role in you and child's life and you forget this loser as quickly as possible.