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Original poster

Telling him I didn't get an abortion like I said?

55 replies

kellycris11 · 15/03/2015 19:39

Hello

Recently I was speaking to somebody, just casually. We ended up meeting for something to eat and then ended up at his and then having sex. A condom was used but it broke halfway through so he took it off and continued sex (we were both very drunk)

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks later and I told him. He asked me to get rid of it and at the time I was so unsure what to do. My friend had an abortion a few months ago and is always telling me its the worst thing she has ever done and she is not the same person she used to be, I understand that not all experiences are the same but I was scared. I told him I didn't know and that he shouldn't worry (I was trying to act brave for myself) he said its not just my decision and regardless whether hes involved he would still have a kid out there (he said)

We left it for a few days and then he asked me if I was pregnant still, I said yes and he basically was very blunt, he said I was leaving him with no option but to be blunt to me. He said he will not be involved in the babies life and he will not feel bad about it and if I knew him properly I would know that he wouldn't care.

a couple of weeks later I booked an abortion and told him "don't worry I am not keeping it" he said "ok" I had to have an early scan before I got the abortion and after seeing the baby I couldn't do it but I didn't tell him.

I am now 15 weeks pregnant and just had my first official scan and can not do it. I feel like I need to/should tell him but I don't know how as he is going to realize I lied

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 15/03/2015 20:59

and the award for the most useless post on mumsnet goes to......confusedanddazed

TheoriginalLEM · 15/03/2015 21:03

it is very apparent to me that this man tried to pressurise the op into the abortion in the first place. Thankfully she didn't go through with it as it would have been do the wrong thing for her to do.

He really has no say in the matter!!

Tiptops · 15/03/2015 21:04

Mitlillehus posted a great message to send to him OP. To the point, without opening up any chances for him to debate your decision with you.

I do think it's important you don't open your heart up to him too much as he will only ride roughshod over your feelings and try to make you feel guilty. You've made a decision that you're comfortable with and that is the most important thing.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 15/03/2015 21:04

Why's that then original?

blueberrypie0112 · 15/03/2015 21:21

Your rights, your body. You get to decide. Not him. He can decide if he wants to respect your decision or not. And be involve with his child.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/03/2015 21:39

I suggest you enjoy the rest of your pregnancy OP, enjoy your baby when they arrive and then tell this man he is a father. If you're lucky, he may stump up for his financial responsibility and leave you alone otherwise.

AKnickerfulOfMenace · 15/03/2015 21:46

Op, adding support. Your body, your decision. Yes, you both chose to continue unprotected sex but he did so in the full knowledge that that was his last decision point around consequences, as after that, it's your body.

Yes, you can claim child maintenance through CSA down the line.

NettleTea · 15/03/2015 21:53

yes, it is your decision.
You are the one that will have to carry the child
You are the one who will have to give birth
You are the one who will look after the child, day in, day out and juggle work and childcare
You are the one who will be the childs mother, giving support to 18 and well beyond.

All he has to do, at a minimum if he chooses, is put his hand in his pocket a pay a paultry percentage of his wages.
He may gripe about it, but maybe next time he will make sure he doesnt produce a child because he decided to carry on bareback.
Some men seem to think that abortion is an easy option.
Some men seem to not want to face up to the consequences of sex

but EVEN if he does have to pay, its absolutely nothing compared to what a woman has to do when she has a child, and thats why its her choice.

AKnickerfulOfMenace · 15/03/2015 22:00

Sing it, sister.

Curlywurlysue · 15/03/2015 22:08

It's a completely useless post from confused because the OP is now 15 weeks pregnant, what good does mentioning the morning after pill do? Apart from possibly help confused feel nice and smug about her perfect life.

Wrapdress · 15/03/2015 22:10

I was in a similar situation. While pregnant I retained an attorney after the guy started getting ugly and demanding with me on the phone. I gave him my attorney's name and told him to take his grievances to her. I haven't spoken to him since. Our child is an adult now.

Where I live the only way the daddy's name can get on the birth certificate is for him to allow it. You can't just put his name on the birth certificate without his consent. Give the baby your surname no matter what. If he doesn't want to get involved have him terminate his parental rights in exchange for a lump sum payment. A DNA test will be required.

I know women who got the parental termination without the lump sum and without the DNA test (two of the women intentionally named the wrong man - they wouldn't do the DNA testing so they couldn't ask for child support because they wouldn't disclose who the real dads were). That's an option too if the judge will allow it because all parties agree.

If the dad won't terminate rights and you don't want him involved, then don't ask for child support. It's not supposed to be "payment to see child" but that is what it turns out to be. Sometimes it's just not worth it. If he does come around and want to see the child (possibly because his wages are being garnished for child support), chances are good he will show up every year or two, drop his emotional bomb visit and then disappear again leaving your child shattered. It's almost worse than never meeting the dad at all. I was in a group of other never married moms and this "intermittent bio-dad" thing was the worse case scenario.

Good luck to you. It's not fun and I wouldn't do it again. You are lucky in that you are not in love with the dad - same as me - and the legal part of it was just a business negotiation.

AKnickerfulOfMenace · 15/03/2015 22:21

Wrap dress, are you in the UK?

AKnickerfulOfMenace · 15/03/2015 22:23

" If he doesn't want to get involved have him terminate his parental rights in exchange for a lump sum payment. A DNA test will be required"

This doesn't sound like a UK option!

base9 · 15/03/2015 22:33

Congratulations. Send him a text right now to let him know you are continuing with the pregnancy. Do not bother reading his reply. You can block his number if necessary. Start following your midwife's advice to keep you and baby healthy. Sort your reallife support. Be happy.
You can contact the CSA at any time for maintenance, as you should. You can deal with that later.
For now just focus on you and your baby.

ChoochiWhoo · 15/03/2015 22:38

In your situation I would literally just not tell him and get on with it, he will cause nothing but stress and has made his position clear.

Starlightbright1 · 15/03/2015 22:42

Wishing you a very healthy pregnancy..

I would inform him simply so that he can never say he was told you had an abortion. I wouldn't invite him to scans , have anything to do with him.

Whether you decide to go for child support is your decision but you are entitled. Expect him to ask for a DNA test though.

Focus on your plans for the future for now

Viviennemary · 15/03/2015 22:47

Nobody should be talked into an abortion they don't want or feel obliged to have one because the man doesn't want a baby. Tell him in a matter of fact way and say you expect nothing from him.

bluelamp · 15/03/2015 22:59

He needs to be told so he has the option to man up and be a father to his child. Maybe he'll turn into a decent father, maybe he won't (and you need to assume the latter for your own sanity), but you need to give him the opportunity. And get the CSA involved so you get some maintenance, might remind him to put on another condom next time he has an accident.

AKnickerfulOfMenace · 15/03/2015 23:08

Blue, if he's going to "man up" and be a decent father, he can do that down after the birth.

OP, only you know how he might react to different things but prioritise yourself. You and your health matter most.

If you prefer to drop him a line when you are 24 weeks so he cannot try and pressure you again, fine. If you'd feel better telling him now, keep it short and maybe go away for a few days afterwards with a friend if you worry he may call you repeatedly etc.

AKnickerfulOfMenace · 15/03/2015 23:10

"Tell him in a matter of fact way and say you expect nothing from him."

That would be a rash statement as OP may need CM.

jaynebxl · 15/03/2015 23:11

Not much to add but wanted to agree with previous poster who said that if you meet up with him do it in a public place and walk away if he tries to pressure you.

Wrapdress · 15/03/2015 23:18

I'm in the States. So men in the UK can't terminate their parental rights in exchange for a lump sum payment of child support?

NeedABumChange · 15/03/2015 23:29

Did either of you discuss the morning after pill in the morning? Did he remind you you'd need it or did you say you'd take it?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/03/2015 23:32

I'm sure some might offer a lump sum child support as a private arrangement and it may even be accepted but it probably wouldn't hold up if it was challenged legally. Parental rights can't be given up for money.

GingerCuddleMonster · 15/03/2015 23:52

no wrapdress that could lead to some very vulnerable women being palmed off with insignifficant and low sums of money. In the short term the large sum written down probably seems enticing, but long term it could well be a fraction of long term maintenance.

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