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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Has anybody ever got to this point?

53 replies

TokenGinger · 14/03/2015 20:15

Where you just wonder whether you'll end up a sad, lonely spinster alone?

My taste in men is clearly horrific. No matter how focussed I am on assessing every bit of their being, I always end up with some kind of controlling/manipulative twit.

So, I'm at a point now where I'm wondering if I'll ever meet somebody decent. If I'll ever have children. If I'll ever have a happily ever after.

It upsets me when people keep saying "You're young, stop worrying" (I'm 25), because although I may be young, it doesn't take away the desires I have or the emptiness I feel and the longing I have to have a child. I've even started to look at adoption.

Sucks.

OP posts:

BifsWif · 14/03/2015 21:25

I don't mean to be patronising or belittle how you're feeling, but when I read this post I expected the writer to be nearer 45, not 25! You have ages, there is nothing to suggest you won't meet someone and have a family. To panic that it hasn't happened by now is ridiculous and your are causing yourself upset over nothing.

Do you come across as desperate for children when you enter a relationship? Do you think you need to relax more? Having a life plan set out and expecting a new boyfriend to fall into that is pretty full on, and likely to cause any potential partner to run a mile.

Slow down, take your time to get to no somebody and stop seeing all boyfriends as potential daddy material until you've been together longer than a few months. It will all fall into place, I guarantee it.

MummyBtothree · 14/03/2015 21:40

I agree, theres plenty of time. Live the time you have to its full potential, do the things you wont be able to do when you have children. If you are that desperate it will show and scare men off, it makes you look needy and its not attractive. Theres no rush. If you are looking for it you wont find mr right. Dont look for love, it will find you when you least expect it. TRUST ME.

Original poster

TokenGinger · 14/03/2015 21:40

I definitely do not come across as desperate to have children, because as much as I would love to have them, I also don't want to rush that when I meet somebody; I want to know that they're the kind of man I'd want to raise my children.

I guess I'm just feeling a little left behind. I'm the only one in my entire friend's group that doesn't have children, isn't married etc.

I know I'm just being sensitive. X

OP posts:

Laquitar · 14/03/2015 21:40

You are a baby!:-)

At that age i did not want a marriage or dcs.
I did have them eventually. At 38.

Original poster

TokenGinger · 14/03/2015 21:46

Thank you ladies. Xx

OP posts:

MummyBtothree · 14/03/2015 21:48

Dont feel left behind, turn it round. Youre not 'late' compared to them, maybe they were hasty and rushed. I married at 21 and had my eldest son at 22, even though it was right and we are still together ive grown and matured so much in that time that we are not quite so compatible these days.

TheHappinessTrap · 14/03/2015 21:51

Yup, too young for this just yet. Give it 20 years.

battenberg123 · 14/03/2015 21:52

I'm sure you'll meet someone when you least expect it. I know everyone says that but it's true and you do have plenty of time. I'm late 20's and currently wishing I was a teenager again as I hate being a "grown up"

Original poster

TokenGinger · 14/03/2015 21:56

I probably just compare a lot because I have done everything backwards. I've taken the biggest step in buying my own house first as opposed to waiting to meet somebody first and taking those steps together.

I'm just being a grump.

Must be nearly TOTM and I've snuggled too many newborn babies this week.

Maybe I just need some chocolate.

OP posts:

MummyBtothree · 14/03/2015 22:02

You havent done anything backwards at all, I think thats impressive an enviable! . Well done you! xx

Original poster

TokenGinger · 14/03/2015 22:09

Thank you. I appreciate that xx

OP posts:

BifsWif · 14/03/2015 22:13

How do you know that all of your friends won't be divorced by 30 because they rushed into marriage, or they grew apart? I'm sure they won't, but it's food for thought.

You sound like a catch for the right man - independent, a home owner, able to stand on your own two feet....enjoy your freedom before marriage and babies come along, I know how hard it is to want something so badly, and it's even harder to be patient because you don't know WHEN it will happen, but it will happen

AlternativeTentacles · 14/03/2015 22:14

25?

Are you taking the piss?

meandjulio · 14/03/2015 22:22

Sounds like you need to meet some people who are nowhere near getting married or having babies at 25.

What age was your mother married? Mine was married at 24 (late for her peer group) and at 25 I felt crawlingly uncomfortable being single. I then married someone completely wrong for me. Take care.

Original poster

TokenGinger · 14/03/2015 22:27

My mother was married at 22 and my brother born soon after.

I'm not taking the piss. As I mentioned earlier, it can be frustrating when people tell me I am stupid for having these desires.

I have a good career, my own home, car, but nobody to share it with. I'm pretty sure I felt my womb ache the other day. Haha.

I think you are right about expanding my peer group outside of the one I have now whereby everybody has this family life and I am a bit of an alien. Maybe that'll help normalise my own situation.

OP posts:

MummyBtothree · 14/03/2015 22:30

Alter your circle of friends, people's lives change and you have to have things in common which you obviously havent so much. Theres alot of women (and men) out there who would aspire to what you have achieved and your independence. Well done you! xx

Jaded2004 · 14/03/2015 22:36

I've had series after series of shit relationships. I'm in my late 30s. I am sworn off men for good now. The reason though is that I choose the wrong men for me and I have settled into a pattern of bad choices on that score and I think a lot of it is due to starting serious relationships too young and getting too serious too soon. I am normally very firmly in the all men are arseholes camp and all relationships are doomed but just for this one time I'm going to be 100% honest and say... You are young, you have time, I still believe there is the one out there for everybody and you should not cut off your heart forever. There are nice men out there, I promise! I even know a few but they just aren't for me lol

tallwivglasses · 14/03/2015 22:46

TokenGinger ( nice name) in roughly 5 years time you're going to remember starting this thread...and laugh. If you don't, then I'll happily eat my old spinster hat

LadyB49 · 14/03/2015 22:48

You are independent and solvent.

That means you can wait till you meet the right person, not have to depend on someone to support you.
Well done...make the most of it.
Look forward to something........
Book a singles holiday with like minded folk....... for example.

Original poster

TokenGinger · 14/03/2015 22:49

Lol tall - most likely!

Thank you for the positive comments. I know to some I probably seem silly, but it's genuinely the way I have been feeling. I appreciate the positivity :)

Somebody made a comment to me yesterday and said, "You're the only person left from our school year that doesn't have a child. Well, you and the lesbians."

Swines.

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 14/03/2015 22:55

MummyBtothree · 14/03/2015 22:57

How many in your school year have got jobs and a mortguage like you? maybe banging kids out is all they are capable of!

nowwearefour · 14/03/2015 23:01

I felt like you at 25. I get it. By 30 I was married and had had a baby within a year. It will happen. Give it time and definitely definitely wait forthe right person. A lifetime is a vey long time with the wrong dh.

tallwivglasses · 14/03/2015 23:03

MummyB.

OP, I had my first at 31, the second at 40. And MummyB, DD had her baby at 20. She's now doing a science degree. So there.

Original poster

TokenGinger · 14/03/2015 23:10

nowwearefour - there's really great to hear! People must think I'm bonkers but the longing is real. My older brother has felt much the same way since he was my age too.

Mummy - thank you. In some ways, I know you're right. There's a few I know who are on their fourth and fifth children at age 25 and never worked a day in their lives.

I was raised on a rough council estate after my mum lost our house when my dad left, and the outcomes and prospects for my peers have been very different to mine. But my mum was determined to never let us slack off school, she had strong work ethics that we've all picked up on and both my older brother and I worked hard and both purchased our first houses at 22 (him) and 24 (me). So I guess when I contextualise it like that, I can see that, although I may long for children, my mother equipped me with the skills and ethos to get the best out of life, and now I have that, I can pass that on to my children too, and not end up another "council estate statistic". X

OP posts:

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