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Original poster

Has anybody ever got to this point?

53 replies

TokenGinger · 14/03/2015 20:15

Where you just wonder whether you'll end up a sad, lonely spinster alone?

My taste in men is clearly horrific. No matter how focussed I am on assessing every bit of their being, I always end up with some kind of controlling/manipulative twit.

So, I'm at a point now where I'm wondering if I'll ever meet somebody decent. If I'll ever have children. If I'll ever have a happily ever after.

It upsets me when people keep saying "You're young, stop worrying" (I'm 25), because although I may be young, it doesn't take away the desires I have or the emptiness I feel and the longing I have to have a child. I've even started to look at adoption.

Sucks.

OP posts:
MummyBtothree · 14/03/2015 23:17

tallwivglasses my comment wasnt a personal attack it was in response to something op said. 'so there' comment is ridiculous, theres alot of young parents with degree's,

MummyBtothree · 14/03/2015 23:21

Op you are an inspiration and what you said exactly proves what I said. Buying your own home on your own is fantastic,

Original poster
TokenGinger · 14/03/2015 23:23

Thank you MummyBtothree - you've reallt made me feel much more positive this evening. Thank you xx

OP posts:
kittensinmydinner · 14/03/2015 23:30

At 25 I had just had my heart broken...bereft, couldn't see a way forwards, but somehow I did... It happened at 29 when least expecting it, at 31 had dd1, at 33 ds1 and finally at 39, dd2.... Just back from holding her 13 th bd party in village hall...felt like you at 25 so understand completely.

MummyBtothree · 14/03/2015 23:32

You're welcome hunny and its intended genuinely. My neighbour is 36 the same as me and an independent woman. Her father said she'd never mount to anything when she fell pregnant at 18. She was determined to prove him wrong and has always worked and got a mortguage at 18. At age 43 she will have paid for her house!

Original poster
TokenGinger · 14/03/2015 23:35

Amazing, inspiring stories! I love it.

I can't wait for the day I'm able to tell these stories :) xx

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 14/03/2015 23:39

Fair enough MummyB, I'm sorry. Just scrolled back and saw you'd given good advice.

OP I wish you all the best Smile

MummyBtothree · 14/03/2015 23:40

Exactly, look what you have achieved in life and how far you have come, all through ambition, determination and hard work. Inspirational! one day some very special guy and your offspring will be so very proud of you and very lucky xx

Original poster
TokenGinger · 14/03/2015 23:45

Thank you Flowers xxx

OP posts:
SmillasSenseOfSnow · 15/03/2015 02:23

I'm 27 and none of the people I lived with at uni have had kids yet. Two have got married, but that's it.

AbCdEfGh123 · 15/03/2015 02:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AbCdEfGh123 · 15/03/2015 02:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MummyBtothree · 15/03/2015 03:45

First time you've seen 'hunny' on mn, erm, I must be missing something Grin

blueberrypie0112 · 15/03/2015 04:29

I had my child at 25...and another at 35. :)

Sortednow · 15/03/2015 09:26

I tell you what, being a 'spinster' holds a lot of appeal, don't knock it. And I wouldn't call it sad and lonely. I'd call it being free and independent.

I am twice your age and I know you won't believe it but you can be happy single and without children. Did you see that thread about would you have children if you had your time again? You would be amazed how many women would not (me included!)

The only truly happy couple I know (in their 50s) have no children. Everyone else is separated, divorced, putting up with no sex, having affairs, money problems, children going off the rails.

InTheWhiteRoom · 15/03/2015 09:33

Op you're 25! So young

And buying a house at 24 is amazing.

BlackDaisies · 15/03/2015 09:41

I agree buying a house at 24 is amazing. What a nasty comment that was about the people in your year. I firmly believe though that anyone who makes a nasty comment like that intended to upset you is unhappy and jealous of you in some way. They're trying to burst your bubble. I bet they're eaten away with envy about your job and house. I felt like you too at your age. Don't make the mistake of hooking up with another unkind man in your desire to create a little family. Spend a little bit of time finding out who you are. All that advice about taking up a hobby/ joining a gym/ getting more qualifications in a subject you enjoy. It's good advice and so much more likely to put you in the path of someone who wants the same things in life as you do. Good luck. I also think you're an inspiration and will be looking out for your lovely update one of these years!

Nocturne123 · 15/03/2015 09:43

I'm the opposite to you , I did all these things house , marriage kids by the time I was 26. I'm the only one of my friends who had kids.

I wouldn't change my kids for the world but I look at my friends who have fantastic careers , lovely clothes , great social lives and I am a bit envious. I regret not finishing my professional qualification and it hits home sometimes when I'm with my friends. By the sounds of it you have a fab job.

I bet some of your friends feel that about you. Obviously this doesn't take away from what you feel but like pp have said go do stuff you can't do with kids and enjoy it Smile. Please go out to lots of fancy restaurants on my behalf Grin

freelanceconundrum · 15/03/2015 09:51

30 was crunch time for my friends and me. I understand how you are feeling but you need to put your chin up and walk tall. Your future is waiting for you!

Original poster
TokenGinger · 15/03/2015 10:02

This is such a positive post! Thank you. I really appreciate it. And it's really helped me make my mind up.

I didn't mention in the OP but I have been dating a man and I've been wondering whether he's for me or not. I know he has strong desires to have children too but it's transpiring that he's quote emotionally manipulative.

Previously, I'd have put up with this knowing that there's somebody who wants the same future as me and potentially giving that up.

BlackDaisies, you nailed it when you said don't hook up with another unkind man.

Time to explain to him that he and I are maybe not compatible and that I wish him the best. And I just have to know that he isn't the only male in the world and there will be somebody in the future who also shares the desire to have children but who respects me also. X

OP posts:
albal14 · 15/03/2015 10:12

OP, your doing just great as you are, as others stated you have time.
But. I 'm in the same situation as you +20yrs!
Kind of given up now.

Take care

Original poster
TokenGinger · 15/03/2015 10:16

Thank you x

OP posts:
MeerkaRIPSirTerry · 15/03/2015 10:31

token i think that what everyone has said is absolutely right. The chances are very high that you are at the right place for you atm. Probably a good man and children will come in the future; you already have a good career and your own home.

I'm going to go for the Just in case gap. I don't want to be negative at all, more offering small ideas of how to handle the worst-case situation. I'm sure everything will work out (i really am!) but just as a game plan to fall back on if things don't work out quite the way expected:

  • yes, as someone said do develop wider friends' groups, some of which are childless
  • develop a hobby or two that takes you out of the house. When you see frends with babies, the focus is on the baby usually. If you have a strong outside interest, the focus is on that interest and the child thing tends to be much more in the background. it does help if you're really interested in something.
  • keep working on yourself - take further qualifications at night school. It's enjoyable and it widens your interests
  • some people volunteer, again for the outside-the-home thing where what you does makes a real difference to others.
  • if (if) it gets that far in 15 years' time and kids do seem unlikely, give yoruself space to grieve. I had to go through this at 36 when I split up from an adored bf over the issue of kids and I didn't expect ever to have any. Genuinely had to come to terms with that. As it happened things did work out unexpectedly, but I'd really come to sad terms with being childless. I think actually that accepting it kind of helped take thigns as they came. It's a very hard thing to do though.

This is all stuff for that tiny chance that things might not work out but as I say, I'm sure they will. Best of luck :)

minkGrundy · 15/03/2015 10:35

OP it is by no means daft to want these things at 25 especially as you see so many friends with kids.

It is ok to want that. And it is ok to feel a bit left out. At any age.

And I totally get where you are coming from if you have a pattern of failed rs because the men have let you down or been wrong for you. You start thinking how many times do i have to wade through failure to find success and each failure is hard and it is harder still to throw yourself back into it with an open heart. Sometimes life is just like that. And it is a bit cruel and unfair and you are bound to feel it. But these are also successes. You sucessfully dodged a trap.

There are several buts here and they are all very significant

First a massive well done to you for spotting that these men are not right, for seeing the red flags and for not just having kids with one of them because it would have been easy.

Secondly, life goes through many phases. There are times when you have kids and they consume a lot of your life (they return it with love) and times when your responsibilities lighten and you can pour your energy into other things. If you have kids young that time comes later, if you have kids later then you have that time before. but whichever stage you are in, make the most of it live your life, enjoy your freedom and when you have your kids hold on to every moment of it. When you do have your kids, you will have all the experiences and all the things you do now with your childfree years to bring to it and to tell them about. Enjoy it. Make the most of it. Find other people who are also childfree and who can take advantage of it to go out, travel, take up sports, learn new skills, grow, develop, enjoy being able to spend your money and yet still create a secure future etc. ( and enjoy your house that you own now before someone draws in crayon on your walls, wees on your carpet and sticks jam sandwiches into all your entertainment equipment)

Your friends who have kids probably look at you and wish they had some of your freedom.

And even better when you do have kids your friends who have dc now, their kids will be old enough to babysit for you.

But if you feel you have a pattern of bad rs, consider the freedom programme (you can do it online) and/or reading Lundy Bancroft why does he do that. Helps you sort the wheat from the chaff.

Good luck. Make the most of life. Enjoy sleeping at night while you still can or else enjoy staying up all night because you want to not because you have to!

You are off to a great start already.

It will be.

Original poster
TokenGinger · 15/03/2015 10:51

Meerka and Mink, thank you for such amazing posts.

I am quite proficient in going out and doing lots of things - I do some quite alternative exercise classes which I joined alone to try and meet new people which has been quite cool.

The Freedom Programme sounds like a good resource to explore; I will look in to that.

As does doing a further qualification. That'll be my Sunday research :) xx

OP posts:
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