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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Absent Mothers, lost Mothers, for some people Sunday will be agonisingly painful :(

56 replies

fredfredsausagehead1 · 13/03/2015 19:39

Media will have us believe Mother's Day is all flowers and hearts. I personally find the day and the lead up to it very painful. My mum left her family for another man and we grew up watching her with her new family then later rejecting us for not playing happy families with her new family .She is still alive and the mixed feelings are unbearable. Having my own family makes it harder. And my own demons that I will always blame her for. The damage can't be repaired. But then she is a human too, flawed like me.

I know loads of you here feel like this, and this time of year an be hard on the emotions, so this thread is to let it all out!

My dh lost his mother when he was a child. This time of year is hard for him and many others too. Sad

OP posts:
porthtowanone · 13/03/2015 22:19

My mum passed away nearly a year ago ,very suddenly ,little did I know last year would be the last mothers day card I would ever buy ,Sunday will be a sad day for me and many others in the same position .

noddyholder · 13/03/2015 22:20

In similar situation as is my Dp.

Dowser · 13/03/2015 23:19

Aww and my mum has dementia and won't even know its mothers day.

PeppermintCrayon · 13/03/2015 23:33

My mum neglected me and made me live with abuse. It's hard seeing all the Mother's Day stuff.

EmEyeFaive · 13/03/2015 23:33

You know the smiling mum from 1970s a Good Housekeeping ? All macraming coat hangers with the kids at the kitchen table with bags of patience and made up stories that had the littles in stitches ? That was my mum. She gave us boundaries, cuddles, security and love. She was great.

Then in the early 80s my dad left for an OW that much older than me, via the joint savings account that he cleared out.

My lovely 70s mum ...broke.

Gone forever.

We've had no contact for the last ten years. My choice. Not sure which is worse. The loss of the wonderful woman she was, or the reality of the person she has become. All I knew was I couldn't live in 1984, like some kind of endless treadmill of time stood still, for another day.

Flowers to the person she was. And hope for a belated, last minute turn around to a happier place to the person she turned into.

And thanks dad. You took both our parents away that day. So no Flowers for you when Father's Day comes around.

EmEyeFaive · 13/03/2015 23:43

And Flowers and a for the people on this thread. Cos given half a chance, none of us would choose to be on this one rather than one of the happier M.Day ones.

karigan · 13/03/2015 23:51

I always struggle to find an appropriate card for my mum. She's quite a toxic person and cards which gush about how no one is as awesome as her/our relationship mrans so much to me make me cringe as it's so far from the truth. Where are the cards that say 'well done. You've not called me whilst drunk to rant about my husband/call me a terrible parent in a few weeks"

Original poster
fredfredsausagehead1 · 14/03/2015 07:29

HmmHmmHmmHmm

And my mum Woolf ask why there wasn't a tenner in her card

OP posts:
Iforgottotellyou · 14/03/2015 08:49

Not liking all the Facebook pictures of roses with RIP mum, and wishing they still had a mother on mothers day.
My mum is very much alive and kicking but I still don't have a mother for mothers day. There's no way of explaining that to those who have lost loved ones and don't understand what it's like to have never had that close relationship with their parents.

PeppermintCrayon · 14/03/2015 09:00

My mum is very much alive and kicking but I still don't have a mother for mothers day. There's no way of explaining that to those who have lost loved ones and don't understand what it's like to have never had that close relationship with their parents.

I completely hear you on this. It's like a living, unresolved bereavement where nobody says sorry for your loss. I feel the same.

Original poster
fredfredsausagehead1 · 14/03/2015 11:07

I hear you too.

It is a daily punishment and so silent with no sympathy. You also fear people will think its you

OP posts:
storynanny2 · 14/03/2015 11:23

Personally I find it hard too, difficult finding a card for my elderly mother who didn't ever enjoy being a mother. She definitely should not have had any children as she obviously doesn't like them!
My partners wife died when daughters were young so they are always sad on Mother's Day, more so now they are parents themselves.
I have 3 adult sons, 2 live overseas so Mother's Day is rarely remembered and the youngest is working all weekend so I won't see him.
Maybe it should be discontinued and reverted to its original meaning, ie Mothering Sunday when young girls returned from working in service to their own parish and attended their mother church and maybe gave mum a bunch of flowers.
I am not bah humbug on behalf of others though, as an infant teacher I find it very touching watching young children being excited about making cards for mummy.

differentnameforthis · 14/03/2015 11:25

My mum is very much alive and kicking but I still don't have a mother for mothers day. There's no way of explaining that to those who have lost loved ones and don't understand what it's like to have never had that close relationship with their parents.

I have been NC for over 20yrs now & I agree. I also hate all the posts that say you only get one mum, etc.

The one I got was shit...why should I forgive her just because she is the only one I will get?

grewupinacult · 14/03/2015 11:35

My mother was one of my abusers and actively involved in having others abuse me. I really strongly dislike the constant reminders for weeks leading up to tomorrow about the wonderfulness of mothers.
Not all mothers.

Procrastinatingpeacock · 14/03/2015 11:38

This will be my mum's last Mother's Day, she has terminal cancer and is steadily declining now. I spent a long time trying to choose a card and to decide what to write in it. Dreading next year when she will not be here.

currentnameinuse · 14/03/2015 11:39

I lost my Mum last year. We didn't have the best relationship after a very tough childhood. I think I did a lot of grieving for her and our relationship many years ago. It does all feel far too final now and somewhat unresolved.

Tomorrow is a tough day. Sorry others are struggling too.

sosix · 14/03/2015 11:42

I am NC with my mother. Flowers to all those who will find tomorrow hard.

For me I am able to mostly block her out of my mind. I have my own dcs and will enjoy them tomorrow.

noddyholder · 14/03/2015 11:55

I think the overkill in teh shops is very distressing for many and the school card making etc very hurtful. If people were nicer to each other all year round we wouldn't need to single out 'special' days with weeks of ridiculous slogans in shops etc. My ds is at uni and my dp working so I will be alone with the papers my cat and a take away coffee on teh sofa! And I couldn't be happier :)

elastamum · 14/03/2015 11:59

My lovely mum died 4 years ago. Every time I see a mothers day card I think 'miss you mum' Sad

goldilocks45 · 14/03/2015 13:23

My Mum died when I was 13.

I'd "kill" for 5 more minutes with her

karinmaria · 14/03/2015 13:28

My Mamma died of leukaemia just over two years ago. I dreamt of her for the first time last night, which was both lovely and painful.

She was amazing. I was incredibly lucky.

elsabelle · 14/03/2015 13:30

My mum died very unexpectedly last year. This will be my first mothers day without her. Didn't cope well at all in her birthday last month so dreading tomorrow.

Flowers to everyone on this thread x

OurMiracle1106 · 14/03/2015 13:40

My mum lost her battle to cancer just under two years ago so mothers day Is always going to be tinged with grief. On top of that my son was placed for adoption just before I lost my mum. So I miss my mum and son it hurts this time of year. More than words can ever say

motherofstudents · 14/03/2015 14:07

It's a tough one for many of us, for whatever reason. There are so many people I think of each year and hope they just make it through the day in one piece.

I wrote down some thoughts on it last year. Each year it gets easier, however hard that may be to believe at the beginning.

rosemarywhittaker.com/wp/?p=207

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 14/03/2015 15:39

My mum died feb 2000. 2 weeks later my (Toxic) MIL said we could go to hers for mothers day as I 'wouldn't have anything better to do' Hmm

It's also both of their birthdays in the same week. I will be very glad by this time next week and all those dates have passed.

DH varies each year from nothing at all to braving the card shop to find that one card that just says 'To Mum, Happy Mothers Day'