Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Absent Mothers, lost Mothers, for some people Sunday will be agonisingly painful :(

56 replies

fredfredsausagehead1 · 13/03/2015 19:39

Media will have us believe Mother's Day is all flowers and hearts. I personally find the day and the lead up to it very painful. My mum left her family for another man and we grew up watching her with her new family then later rejecting us for not playing happy families with her new family .She is still alive and the mixed feelings are unbearable. Having my own family makes it harder. And my own demons that I will always blame her for. The damage can't be repaired. But then she is a human too, flawed like me.

I know loads of you here feel like this, and this time of year an be hard on the emotions, so this thread is to let it all out!

My dh lost his mother when he was a child. This time of year is hard for him and many others too. Sad

OP posts:
gemdrop84 · 14/03/2015 15:48

Mum passed away last April unexpectedly so first one without her, we're just getting over the shock of Mil being diagnosed with terminal cancer so it's a sore spot. All going over to Mil's tomorrow and Dh, dc's and nephews are cooking dinner for Mil, Sil's and me.

Rafflesway · 14/03/2015 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fredfredsausagehead1 · 14/03/2015 16:29

I'm so sorry for all who are missing their mums Hmm

I agree the overkill in shops and social media is horrendous. Lots of subtle messages reinforcing the sadness.

OP posts:
PlumpingIsQuiteUpForThud · 14/03/2015 16:37

My mother died almost exactly a year ago. We had a complex relationship; she was an emotionally abusive cow when I was growing up but had tried to make things better later on, and she was a good grandparent to my kids while they were little (she never knew them longer than that).

After 9 months of counselling, I am sort of able to feel sorry for her because FUCK she had issues, but also sorry for myself for not having had the Mum-figure that the media says I should have had. Even when she was alive, I'd never have got her a 'To the World's Best Mum' card because both of us would have known it was a lie.

Thanks to all who find this day hard. Even as someone who's lost their mum, I get that it must be horrible for those who are NC or who have complex relationships with their own mothers.

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForThud · 14/03/2015 16:38

Oh and currentnameinuse - I could have written your post!!

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 14/03/2015 16:43

I lost my mum suddenly (violently) in 2010 and I lost both my mother in law and my father in law within days of each other just before last Christmas.

I lost my husband one month ago today (Valentine's day)
Tomorrow is not looking good for me.

SylvaniansAtEase · 14/03/2015 16:51

Flowers to all those going through tough times at this time of year.

Bluejumperandbluejeans · 14/03/2015 17:02

I feel sad for you all without your mums it's an awful time for you. I am very lucky to have had my mum for so long she's 89 but I feel very sad as she has Alzheimer's and won't remember.

sassytheFIRST · 14/03/2015 17:06

My mum died 16 years ago aged 49. I hated the first few Mothers Days after it, even now I still miss her badly and feel conflicted and scratchy. Hard for my kids as well cos they just want me to be appreciative of their efforts. I do my best and hope they won't realise.

MsIngaFewmarbles · 14/03/2015 17:11

This is my first Mother's Day without my Mum. She died suddenly almost a year ago. I went to the cemetery to give her her flowers today. DH is being lovely and has planned lunch out and little gifts for the DC to give me but TBH I just don't want to do it. I miss her.

porthtowanone · 14/03/2015 17:42

Am trying not to feel so down for the sake of my kids who am sure will make sure I have a nice day ,but in reality Mothers day will never be the same again ,Flowers for all those feeling the same .

februarystar · 14/03/2015 19:05

My mum died last week. I never realised how many adverts there are for Mother's Day, can't get away from them!

Original poster
fredfredsausagehead1 · 14/03/2015 19:13

Even when our own kids love us so much and make such a fuss it feels so bittersweet and painfulHmm

OP posts:
LionsDontWeaveLentils · 14/03/2015 19:19

My mum died of cancer in January. Even more then the shops it had been the email marketing stuff that has hit me. Opening my email to find something telling me how great spending time with your mum is just feels like a kick in the guts.

Becca19962014 · 14/03/2015 19:24

I was going to post a similar thread but couldn't word it properly. I've written it loads of times over the last week or so but couldn't face posting it here.

I was informally adopted and think of her as being my mum. She died when I was very young. Despite my mum being alive, she has never forgiven me for being born (seriously) and when I made a serious effort to improve our relationship did nothing but complain about my 'crazy' attachment to this woman who died Sad

I've broken down so many times in the past couple of weeks in shops, despite it being so long since she died (think decades) I desperately need to speak to my adoptive mum (difficult times) - to me though she is my mum, especially given the massive fuss my own mum makes about it and the 'jokes' she makes about 'that woman'

Not sure I've worded it properly now but at least it isn't a confusing OP. Just a confusing reply!

Postchildrenpregranny · 14/03/2015 19:26

I lost my Mum to terminal cancer 15 years ago . I miss her nearly every day, not just on Mothers' Day (she was a brilliant mum. I was so very fortunate) . I find it helps to take a few minutes on days like tomorrow (maybe just sitting quietly in my garden, looking at the daffodils we both loved ) and just think about her and be thankful. If I am near a church I will go in and light a candle.

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForThud · 14/03/2015 20:15

((februarystar))

My mother died 2 weeks before Mother's Day last year. I ended up wishing that the wall-to-wall banner in Tesco proclaiming 'SHOW MUM YOU LOVE HER' could just do one, frankly.

The advertising is all-pervading and inescapable.

gleegeek · 14/03/2015 21:05

I hate Mother's Day. Mum died 3 years ago after a very painful illness and I miss her so very much Sad It's horrible not having anyone to buy a card for. I'd love tomorrow to be ignored but dd is excited on my behalf. Dh is just annoying me with his clumsy handling of it all - I don't want to discuss what we're doing/eating, I'd just like a posy of flowers and a big cuddle.
Flowers for all here

hiddenhome · 14/03/2015 22:08

I absolutely hate my mother. She ruined my life and, if she turned up on my doorstep, I'd choke the living shit out of her. I hope she dies a lonely and painful death and even that would be too good for her. She should have done the job properly when she overdosed me. Instead, I've had my entire life being left to deal with the consequences of her epic fuck up.

differentnameforthis · 15/03/2015 01:17

I am so sorry to all those who don't have a mum around, whatever the reason.

Flowers
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/03/2015 04:39

To all who find today particularly difficult Flowers.

It is just a ONE day, it will pass. Those feelings will be particularly acute today... Be kind to yourselves Wine

DevonFolk · 15/03/2015 07:13

Thanks to you all.
I lost my dear mum 31 years ago at the age of 5. My dad remarried and every mothering Sunday since then has been a performance to make my step mother feel better for not being our real mother Hmm It hasn't always been bad but we've had massive ups and downs over the years and she treated me appallingly at Christmas so sending her a card was galling to say the least. I'd give anything to have my own mum back.

goodyear2015 · 15/03/2015 07:23

My mother died when I was still at infant school. I had to endure years of the class project being Mother's Day and making cards and me not having a mummy to make one for.

FastForward2 · 15/03/2015 07:35

I feel for the children whose teachers think it is a great idea for the class to make mothers day cards, one very troubled child I knew whose mother was alive but was unable to care for her. This child was aged about 6, very intelligent and my dd said the child caused lots of trouble that day in class. Teachers out there please be aware. Lost my own mum many years ago and remember the ache of mothers day for many years, I totally felt for the child.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 15/03/2015 08:36

Flowers to everyone for whom today is not a straightforward day

I want to ask- what's the appropriate way for people (friends) to talk/ask you about today? I know I have 2 friends who are missing their mums today; for one it's less than 2 years since she passed away, another person who has only come into my life very recently, but made quite a dramatic entrance, their mum died when they were a child. I know both people mark today by going to visit their graves. As a friend, is it better just to ask how they are today? Send a message wishing they have a good day and thinking of them- or that sorry it's a hard one?