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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

advice required please regarding guy im seeing and his ex.

66 replies

dippyd123 · 11/03/2015 17:29

Hello. Im not very experienced in writing on forums but enjoy reading through certain topics from time to time so know how work but please bare with me at replying etc.

Where to start well im a single mum and have been on my own just over 5 years had bfs in between but nothing serious. For around 6 months there has been a strong mutual attraction between myself and a this guy hes a work mate of my close friends husband. I have been fully aware since meeting him he was in a complicated relationship they had been living apart for over a year and stay together weekends only. On our second meeting we had a brief moment where we nearly kissed having had a few drinks but we both kind of backed away at same time since then ive seen him a number of times on nights out and bumped into him in asda when he was with his family AWKWARD!!

In February I recieved a txt off him got my number off friend we txt for about 2 weeks and met up alone had a really nice night few drinks and we talked for hours nothing happened but he made it clear he wanted more I did too but I made it clear he had to be unattached for anything to happen. 2 days later he finished properly with her. We have met up a number of times since but nothing happened sexually until last week.

I have today recieved quite a nasty fb mesage off the ex, We are not public in seeing each other I dont know her from adam he swears hes not told her who I am which only leaves our mutual friends but I cant see it. Anyway shes branded me a slag and an home wrecker and she hopes I get a taste of my own medicine and she sounded exactly like hes discribed her as she sounds quite eratic . I have replied and been as nice as I can I didnt know what else to do. Im not saying its true love or anything but I really do like this guy and ive just told him I want to calm things and to get back intouch when hes squared things with her properly. I actually am gutted was really looking forward to our date tomorrow night :(

Thanks for reading any advice welcome x

OP posts:
2cats2many · 11/03/2015 17:31

Are you sure he's telling you the whole truth about his relationship status?

CheersMedea · 11/03/2015 17:34

Yes - most likely explanation is that he is telling you what you want to hear (given you made it clear that you wouldn't see him until he was single) and hasn't actually split up with her.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 11/03/2015 17:34

I think you've done the right thing.

NickiFury · 11/03/2015 17:35

He pursued you while he was still with her.
He describes her as crazy I take it - only you're a bit nicer and use erratic.
He dumps her and their children and immediately starts seeing you.

Yes he sounds like a real prince this one. You got lucky there Hmm.

Are you sure he even finished with her.

I would be running for the hills from this one.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/03/2015 17:37

I agree with the PP. You said originally that he's in a complicated relationship and he's clearly still in it. Is she really 'erratic' or is she a very upset woman who has discovered he's been lying? Leave well alone until he's sorted out the mess and also be very, very wary of a man that calls his not quite ex names.

Original poster
dippyd123 · 11/03/2015 17:37

That was my first thought months ago I couldnt understand why he was with her and only staying together weekends when they have children together. Ive had it backed up by my friend they have been on and off for years apparently. I dont really want to go into detail about what ive been told as I dont feel its my place

OP posts:
Sortmylifeout · 11/03/2015 17:38

So he dumped her two days before he started seeing you? No wonder she is upset, especially as there are children involved.

You said you had seen the family in asda so you knew he was attached.

Original poster
dippyd123 · 11/03/2015 17:45

I used the word erratic because I didnt really know how to take it she didnt seem crazy as such but there was lots of writing repeating what she had already said I found the whole message pretty confusing tbh of course she could be so upset that it made it seem like that. Hes never slagged her off as such just that he wasnt happy with how things were and hes worrying he wont be able see the kids as she had made it difficult in the past ...

Of course I could just be totally nieve here and been played im not silly enough to think thats impossible

OP posts:
NickiFury · 11/03/2015 17:46

I think it's a Big Hot Mess and you should extract yourself from it and leave them to get on with it.

Original poster
dippyd123 · 11/03/2015 17:49

Ive known he had a gf from the start yes hence trying to avoid things maybe it was totally slaggish of me to go so quick I know im partly to blame and im not looking for any sympathy just advice I feel torn

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 11/03/2015 17:57

I think you are being nieve, yes. He has done this to her before...and gone back (why?) and now he is doing it to her and her children again!

Run for the hills, he is seriously bad news. He might properly leave her one day maybe, he definitely hasn't this time and when he does he will cheat on you too.

He is heartless and a chancer.

Original poster
dippyd123 · 11/03/2015 18:03

From what ive been told he left because she was obsessed with trying for another baby and her constant put downs. Im not gonna pretend I know the ins and outs because I dont and I dont want to know either Ive had enough dirt in my own life to put up with anyone elses. I do like to give people the benefit of the doubt though I dont see that as been a bad thing I always try stay alert of any warning signs.

I think I may just admit defeat here :(

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 11/03/2015 18:03

He's dumped her and started seeing you literally straight away. No wonder she is upset. And he dumped her for you actually didn't he! You might not have fucked right away but you were dating him while he was with her.
He's a dick and has spun you a line. You are well out of it.

babbityann · 11/03/2015 18:03

He is a married man, clearly. The same old excuse of 'I can't leave because she will make it difficult for me to see the kids...'. He has a right to see his kids, a duty, even.

Original poster
dippyd123 · 11/03/2015 18:05

Right thanks for advice need sort kids and work out what im going to put in my reply to him after his last message. xx

OP posts:
InTheWhiteRoom · 11/03/2015 18:11

oh my god steer clear of this nob end

clearly an absolute wrong un

been there done that, please take my advice and leave them to their dysfunctional shit it

InTheWhiteRoom · 11/03/2015 18:12

just seen you were going to "reply"

if you haven't already DONT

just block him on everything for the love of god

Branleuse · 11/03/2015 18:14

get out now, before you get more involved.

MyRightFoot · 11/03/2015 18:15

I dont see why youre backing off from him tbh. you got a message from his ex which seems to confirm that he finished with her so its not like hes a cake eater. it sounds like their relationship has been on the rocks for years and you were the catalyst for him ending it. you told him you would only be interested if he were single and now that he is single, you have backed off,

Ouchbloodyouch · 11/03/2015 18:18

My ex told his new squeeze we had been split for 7 months... that was news to me!

CupidStuntSurvivor · 11/03/2015 18:23

He sounds like your typical married cheat, sorry OP. I was daft enough to get myself in your situation when I was younger. Even if he has now left her, it definitely won't look to her like you weren't sleeping with him beforehand as he left it just 2 days. And let's face it, the behaviour beforehand was an emotional affair.

You are the other woman. And from experience, I can tell you that you seriously don't want to be. Get yourself out of it.

Good luck Thanks

CupidStuntSurvivor · 11/03/2015 18:24

I was told they'd been separated for many months too Ouch. Always news to the wife!

mynewpassion · 11/03/2015 18:26

Find another fish. This one is rotten.

InTheWhiteRoom · 11/03/2015 18:35

and what cupidstunt said

Original poster
dippyd123 · 12/03/2015 06:46

My right foot - i kind of really agree with you but I have to protect myself I feel torn between been sensible and walking away and then id never know. Part of me is thinking fck it and go with flow.

I did message him back and told him I wont meet him again until I know for sure shes out of picture and that he needs to concentrate on sorting access to his children for his own benefit and the fact if carry on seeing each other I dont want to be getting dragged into anything

OP posts:
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