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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

advice required please regarding guy im seeing and his ex.

66 replies

dippyd123 · 11/03/2015 17:29

Hello. Im not very experienced in writing on forums but enjoy reading through certain topics from time to time so know how work but please bare with me at replying etc.

Where to start well im a single mum and have been on my own just over 5 years had bfs in between but nothing serious. For around 6 months there has been a strong mutual attraction between myself and a this guy hes a work mate of my close friends husband. I have been fully aware since meeting him he was in a complicated relationship they had been living apart for over a year and stay together weekends only. On our second meeting we had a brief moment where we nearly kissed having had a few drinks but we both kind of backed away at same time since then ive seen him a number of times on nights out and bumped into him in asda when he was with his family AWKWARD!!

In February I recieved a txt off him got my number off friend we txt for about 2 weeks and met up alone had a really nice night few drinks and we talked for hours nothing happened but he made it clear he wanted more I did too but I made it clear he had to be unattached for anything to happen. 2 days later he finished properly with her. We have met up a number of times since but nothing happened sexually until last week.

I have today recieved quite a nasty fb mesage off the ex, We are not public in seeing each other I dont know her from adam he swears hes not told her who I am which only leaves our mutual friends but I cant see it. Anyway shes branded me a slag and an home wrecker and she hopes I get a taste of my own medicine and she sounded exactly like hes discribed her as she sounds quite eratic . I have replied and been as nice as I can I didnt know what else to do. Im not saying its true love or anything but I really do like this guy and ive just told him I want to calm things and to get back intouch when hes squared things with her properly. I actually am gutted was really looking forward to our date tomorrow night :(

Thanks for reading any advice welcome x

OP posts:

43percentburnt · 12/03/2015 06:57

Morning,

The text may be incoherent due to how upset she is.
The desperation to have a baby, may be that they have been trying for a while and she is sad she cannot get pregnant.

Is he living with her?

It appears that when he realised he couldn't have his cake and eat it, he either ran out on his wife or spun you a yarn.

I bet his wife is hearing a different yarn.

Cabrinha · 12/03/2015 06:59

As they have a history of on/off then I suspect one of these situations:

she is not aware they have ever been off
they have been on/off but she didn't know they were off when he was with you
they were off but such is the pattern that off is not really off, so it is still cheating

Off does not mean staying together on weekends.

He sounds like a cock.
Even if he was off, even if she's a crazy arse bitch from hell... You know for a fact that he was cracking on to you and warming you up when he was with her.

You want someone like that!

CupidStuntSurvivor · 12/03/2015 08:33

How is he going to prove to you 'for sure' that she is out of the picture OP? How much pain do you want to cause this woman? If he has actually ended their relationship (for you by the way...You can't forget that on top of all the issues they already had, she's been dumped specifically for another woman) then does he have to twist the knife to satisfy you?

Just walk away!

mynewpassion · 12/03/2015 13:27

Sorry, its too late. You are in the middle of it already.

Get out before you are dragged further into a pile of shit problem

MyRightFoot · 12/03/2015 13:35

op are you certain they have been living apart for a year? have your friends confirmed this? if so then it sounds like a split was inevitable. a lot of people make the break when they have someone in the wings which makes it worse on the ex. sadly you say you like him but are not yet in love with him. this puts a lot of pressure on you as "the woman he left his wife for". i disagree with this phrase, i feel he left because the relationship had broken down to the point they couldnt live together. you just tipped the balance. but expect his ex to be very unhappy at you and him.

BuzzardBird · 12/03/2015 14:00

But they still live together on weekends so they are not really living apart are they? Lots of people have to live apart during the week, seldom means they have split. If they really were doing this strange arrangement it would really be screwing with the kids heads so I doubt very much it is as he says.

pocketsaviour · 12/03/2015 14:00

OP, in the message she sent, did she actually refer to him leaving her? Or was she sort of saying "He's mine, fuck off out of it"?

She was obviously way more invested in the relationship than he was, and that's always going to be painful. I know I've been tempted a few times in the past to send nasty messages to the "next one" when it was clear I'd been dumped to make way for her. In fact... I did do the nasty message thing once, although in my defence I was only 18! The person who's been dumped is almost always going to be in denial that the relationship was in trouble (even if they had actually been worried.) It's always "That bitch/bastard STOLE MY LOVE!!!" Perhaps it's just easier emotionally to focus your hate on "an enemy" rather than feeling your own pain.

The thing putting me off would be that they have kids together and therefore there is going to be some level of contact with her for years to come. If she is really unhinged then she can make your life very difficult.

It is a tough dilemma, I feel for you. I think what I might do is just date very casually and see how things go, and hold off on getting more serious until you have a clearer view of the field of play.

Original poster

dippyd123 · 12/03/2015 14:44

Thanking you all for your words of wisdom. Although i am feeling like a queen bitch at the moment I do honestly believe if it wasnt me it be someone else if he was truly as unhappy as he has said.

Hes told me right from the day I met him hes not living with her after they got back together after a split he had told me the living arrangnents were mutual comfirmed by friends

OP posts:

Original poster

dippyd123 · 12/03/2015 14:53

The message she sent kept referring to me splitting them up ive not been on f since yesterday Im worried she may of replied back to my message

OP posts:

MyRightFoot · 12/03/2015 16:45

so your mutual friends can confirm what he says. do you think hes in love with you? you say you care about him but not in love with him. so his actions have really speeded things up. i agree with you that he has been ready to leave her for at least a year. i am sure she is devastated but the fact he hasnt been living in the family home for a year must surely have prepared her for this. it could have been the other way round and she could have met someone else. if you are satisfied he is being honest with her and you then i think you should support his decison to end it with her. you have not split them up - the marriage broke down for reasons that only those two know.

BuzzardBird · 12/03/2015 16:58

Personally, whether you believe him or not, it is extremely disrespectful to the mother of his children.
I would tell him to leave you alone at least until he had moved out for several months.

He still sounds like a chancer to me.

Original poster

dippyd123 · 12/03/2015 17:10

Yes they have comfirmed everything all along my friend has never met her but her husband has so I feel a bit like they are biased as both seem to really like the guy in question.

Nooo im not in love with him I think I could fall for him big time if things were more simple but ive got my guard up a little, but I am honestly very attracted to him he has a certain charm I enjoy his company and I find extremely easy to get on with im not a particually confident person but have found myself really loosening up around him.

BTW sorry about my last couple of replies attempted on phone and cannot for life of me use touch screen. x

OP posts:

MyRightFoot · 12/03/2015 18:51

dippy prepare for a bumpy ride. i presume he goes back at weekends for the kids. think about this - he may well continue this.pattern while seeing you. so be prepared for not having him to yourselff on those dates. and there is always the chance the two of them will give the marriage another try.

Allofaflumble · 12/03/2015 21:52

There will be two of you then wondering which one is getting screwed by him. He will love it!

Original poster

dippyd123 · 13/03/2015 05:33

Right foot - they arent married not that makes it any easier. I know and thats what im worried about .

We ended up txting most of last night and even spoke for a while we were supposed to be going out but as previously mentioned I cancelled. Hes spoke about wanting to have kids to his parents this weekend (they stay anyway regually so are used to the environment there and have their own beds etc) so thats not an issue but shes refusing to talk to him to arrange anything and doesnt want go to the house incase causes any trouble so think he was bit upset. I know hes at his mums for sure because hes told me they have 3 dogs and could hear them all in back ground he broke off to put them outsidE. I know this means absolutely nothing but a few niggles I have had in my head got put to rest after last night.

Hes asked if he cant have kids tonight if he can take me out make up for missed date last night ive said yes so see what happens.

OP posts:

TheTigersComeAtNight · 13/03/2015 05:52

Personally I'd be running for the hills before I got anymore involved. So you're now waiting on standby? I bet he loves that. There are loads of happy, healthy, SINGLE men out there... Would you be able to trust he isn't spinning someon else the 'she's crazy, she doesn't understand me' crap in a few months' time?

Original poster

dippyd123 · 13/03/2015 06:02

No im not on stand by if hes seeing his kids so be it. I am supposed to be out anyway tonight so either way im not going to be sat twiddling my thumbs.

OP posts:

Lovelydiscusfish · 13/03/2015 06:32

I don't see why he's necessarily been a dick. He was in a rocky relationship (mostly living apart), has met someone he really likes, and thus ended his relationship (this certainly seems true - his ex says it is!) to be with the new woman.

I can see why his ex is upset, not sure she should be texting OP abuse though! OP, you haven't done anything wrong.

OP, I'm not sure what he can do to stop his ex contacting you, though. My mum received harassment from my dad's ex for years, by all accounts. I'm glad it didn't put her off him or I wouldn't be here! It's a reasonable choice to say you don't want the hassle, but bear in mind he may be simply unable to do anything to dissuade her from doing this.

kittensinmydinner · 13/03/2015 06:43

I don't see why you shouldn't see him. From your OP you say he is now single and has been since February. Lots of posters seem to think he is still staying weekends, but that is not what you said. To all those saying don't see him because he's not single can I ask what the 'official ' timescale for single status. ? The day after you split ? A week ? A month ?. I think you should go for it. Eyes wide open. You know he may go back to the ex but you may be the one !. My advice is lay your conditions on the line. If he begins even once 'going between the two of you ' business . Close the door firmly and walk away.

Original poster

dippyd123 · 13/03/2015 06:54

Thank you ladies. Tbh spent last few days worrying and feeling terrible today woke up really positive. I got some good advice last night off my ex of all people he said if he hurts me he will be having words (think he was joking). X

OP posts:

Ledkr · 13/03/2015 07:05

Tbh if we all only went out with people who met certain criteria everyone would be single.
If you like him and he makes you happy then go out with him and have fun.
Be guarded to begin with but that's what everyone should do in a new relationship, try not to rub the ex's nose in it and understand u will take 2nd priority to his kids and he to yours.
When you are an adult it's hard to find anyone who doesn't have an ex so you may as well go for it.

Original poster

dippyd123 · 13/03/2015 07:51

Thanks ive learnt to be on guard anyway after previous relationships i haveno intention of getting involved with kids or rubbing anything in her nose. I still dont know how she knows its me he thinks it was a fb comment and shes put 2and 2 together

OP posts:

Original poster

dippyd123 · 13/03/2015 08:07

Well deff going out for a few drinksvand bite to eat tonight together apparently shes sending kids to her mums for weekend he thinks shes just been awkward but like told him i guess gives a bit of time for dust to settle. X

OP posts:

BathtimeFunkster · 13/03/2015 08:21

This thread really explains why so many women end up trapped in shit relationships with crap men.

"A man with a long term partner and children has been coming on to me. When I told him nothing could happen while he was attached, he walked out on his family. He tells me his ex is a crazy bitch. I think I can compete against her and win this prize, because he seems to prefer me right now."

"Go for it if you like each other. Being in an adult relationship is no different from scrapping over boys when you are 13."

Seriously?

This guy sounds like a complete wanker. Open your eyes.

Original poster

dippyd123 · 13/03/2015 08:44

And where did those words exactly come out of my mouth? I have openly asked for advice and greatful but its beyond me why there is such need for rudeness. :)

Time for work have a nice day ladies xx

OP posts:

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