Mother's Day

[MillyMollyMandy78]

i am NC with my own abusive mother - have been for a couple of years now. I am also 37 with no children i really wanted them but husband was adament he didnt, so his choice. This caused a lot of friction between us for ages but i am mostly ok with it now. Have a gorgeous nephew and i focus on the many good things in life instead. However, for obvious reasons, Mothers Day is always pretty hard. Just a reminder that i am neither or a mother, or the daughter of a loving mother.

Been with DH for over 10 years and every year it is the same issues: I love MIL dearly but she is NOT MY mum! Every year, i explain to DH that it is obviously nothing personal but i don't want to spend mother's day with someone else's mum. I can't really explain why very well, but it does not feel right. usually we end up seeing his mum, despite my protests he usually arranges for us to have a meal with her, or there is a big family thing arranged that i feel i have to go to. A couple of times i have made my excuses and not gone.

Well this year, DH has really taken the piss. I reminded him it was mothers day on sunday and perhaps he should phone his mum to discuss plans. He asked what should he do/ when would be best to meet etc. i clearly, but nicely, told him to do whatever suits them as it doesnt involve me. So he phones her infront of me, and arranges it all. They were struggling with finding a place to meet, as MIL out with SIL in morning, so i said they could meet here. Next thing i know DH invites her over for lunch, as everywhere else will be busy, and asks me what will be for lunch. Before i have chance to respond, he asks MIL what she would like 'to order' and she replies with what i made for Xmas dinner, whichDH knows was time consuming and a faff.

Really pissed off as DH tends to 'forget' a lot of things which are important to me and i havent bothered confronting him cos i can't be bothered with the same bullshit. We've argued a few times recently anyway and i cba with another one. But i don't know what to do. I don't really want to cook for them or spend time with them on mother's day. Dh is very lazy in regards to relationships etc and does the minimum required for his mum and this feels very much like the lazy option for him: he gets to say he spent time with his mum and she gets a lovely meal, while i slave away in the kitchen. At the very least i would have opted for a simpler meal, but this has already been decided for me. He won't see how bloody cheeky it is and why i feel like staff, not to mention ignoring that mother's day obviously brings up other issues. I have gone shopping for all the ingredients but i want to spend the day in peace. I could go out, but where do i go? Eveywhere will be full of mothers/ daughters etc, and actually i would have preferred to spend the day home, relaxing. So how do i get out of it? I really get on well with MIL and anything now just looks like i am snubbing her.

First tell him how you feel. Then tell him he will be taking more than a usual share in the kitchen. In fact, tell him he is in charge, but you will "help". Enjoy your own relationship with your MIL. Enjoy that she seems to be a decent mother, even if your own has let you down in that respect.

(clearly telling you what I know I should be doing myself, all easier said than done. )

Tell him he is free to cook while you go for a movie or read at the park. It was very inconsiderate.
But having said that, if the preparation were not a problem i think that going along would be the gracious thing to do. She wants to be with her son, and obviously you are invited to all family functions.

Thank you, but he won't do the cooking. He will say i do it better (i do), or that he doesnt know what to do etc. then cos I'm a mug, i feel bad for his mum and want her to have a nice meal, so will give in. He will also leave it all till the last minute, and have a go at me for what he sees as me just being difficult.

Plus, he will be in such a mood that he knows i usually give in as it's easier than dealing with his strop/ swearing/ ranting etc

Well either he cooks, you cook or there is no meal and i dont see why you should. Tell him to make other arrangements, you did not volunteer for this.

Thanks, i agree that the gracious thing to do is to go along. It is not MIL's fault, it is DH that is the problem. Perhaps go out beforehand and come back for lunch, when MIL has arrived?

Get on of those m&s mothers day for £15 meals and tell him to get on with it, but make a cake so you can't be accused of not giving a shit.

Don't give in to him then, you are one day going to need to make a stand, why should you do all the donkey work? Go out and go the cinema and explain to MIL why you didn't want to be there. In all honesty your relationship sounds like it may need help or a swift exit....

Yuck, he's really PA isn't he and has totally trapped you on this. You're going to have to start standing up for yourself, he clearly knows you won't and is using this to get what he wants.

If I was in your situation I'd tell him you wouldn't dream of jumping in on his mothers day celebration (or get a sudden terrible migraine) and you'll take yourself off to the movies. Go right when he needs you to start cooking (making him look good) and see one where you can cry and cry and no one will notice.

Then I'd stop reminding him to call his mum, you're not going to help him throw you under the bus again.

Thanks for all the replies. He is totally PA but won't admit it. I love him very much and he is mostly a nice guy, but i do get fed up of the PA stuff (hence the recent arguments). I end up losing my rag with him (not good, cos i do have an ugly temper) but he will always feign innocence at what he has done in the build up to it, and will never apologise for his behaviour. I get an 'I'm sorry we argued' etc. he doesn't see that the 'forgetting', sarcasm, sulks, saying i didnt say something when i just did, 'jokey' put downs are the main problem. Yes, i shouldnt scream and shout afterwards and i know that's wrong, but i have improved that a lot, even though i could still improve. But he does not change, not for more than a few days anyway, and i don't think he could/ wants to anyway. When things are good, they are great, but when he's being PA i have no respect for him at all. I just think it's mean and bullying and an immature/ underhand way of dealing with things. Anyway, we are ok mostly but i am a bit fed up as been crap again lately.

Thanks for all the replies, i admit part of the reason why i posted is cos i end up doubting myself a lot, and part of me wasnt sure whether my feelings were actually normal to other people or if i was just creating the whole issue around mother's day. So, after some of your replies i had the confidence to send him a photo of my OP, with the message 'couldn't be bothered with another arguement so easier to send this'. He text back quickly 'ok i will change and go out for meal on saturday instead' so problem solved (this year anyway)!

I find it concerning you have given up your own desires to be a mother for this man - that doesn't sit right with me at all. Why should he get to make that decision on your behalf?

I see where you are coming from, current, and as i said it did cause lots of problems for a while, but i posted on here several times about it at the time, and got some helpful advice. It is not his fault that he doesn't want kids, and i made a conscious choice to stay with him. That is not a problem but his insensitivity re Mothers Day, PA rubbish etc is.

Six years on, i am content with not being a mother, although obviously have the occasional sadness eg when close friend became pregnant. I am an introvert and like my own space, so there are many aspects of my life that would change if i did have kids, and probably for the worse. We have a lovely life, most of the time, i love him very much and i do not regret my decision to stay

Be careful. when people (quite rightly) get fed up of the PA games that completely override their own reasonable wishes, they do start shouting. And shouting and shouting. It can escalate until you find yourself becoming a harpy.

Regarding having given up kids, that was your choice, fair enough. But it is a lot less than kind of him to play these games about inviting his mother over, in the circumstances.

Are you quite sure he as loving as you think he is? He doesn't sound particularly kind or considerate from what you've written here.

He doesn't sound very pleasant at all - I agree. An awful lot to give up for someone who doesn't treat you nicely :(

Meerka - that is exactly the problem... I am a harpy when i lose my rag! I get so frustrated as it is always me that is made out to be the unreasonable one! And believe me at the time, i am! I have a horribly vicious tongue on me. But it is just so unbearable when things are bad. He lies/ forgets/ sulks over the most petty things, though this has got better over the years.

We had a blazing row over something i cant even remember at the weekend. Then things were ok until we were in the car on Monday and he asked me the name of a dog grooming tool that our trainer had just recommended about an hour earlier. I said i couldnt remember the name but i knew what sort of thing she meant by the description and would probably recognise the name when i saw it. Then a bit PA, i admit, i said it doesnt matter anyway to him (meaning cos it is always me that goes to the shops etc). Immediately after that he says so what is the name of the product? I bit more moodily just said it doesnt matter and repeat all what i just said. He then starts moaning about how i didnt answer his question and how frustrating that is! (This is a very common sort of scenario) so i said i did answer TWICE and he denies it, saying all i told him was that it didnt matter and that he was confused why i said it didnt matter. So after that, and the previous row, i blow up and get really angry but he still denies that i answered him, all evening he denies it! Complete gaslighting, it is so frustrating! Probably made a million times worse cos my mum used to do this all the time! It is a total headfuck and i get so pissed off that i just blow! I have tried not biting back, and saying i know what i said, or saying nothing, or trying to change the subject etc but he just does not shut up! When he is like this i think he is just hideous!!!

But (i know how pathetic i sound) i do love him, and these things are the minority of our time. I know it is bullying/ emotional abuse, and i do call him on it. But i am poor at focusing on what makes him happy rather than myself, so im trying to get more of a life for myself now, outside of my relationship so that i can be more my own person, instead of feeling like a support act for his life

milly there'a thread I think you might benefit reading, with some excellent links.

Now maybe your situatoin isn't that bad. But even so, it's worth reading for a sense of context and for making sense of what is going on.

With someone like this, the apparently unreasonable one tneds to be the obvious one that people see. But there's a lot more going on under the surface than you think.

It muight not be a complete coincidence your mother was like this. It might be .. but on the other hand maybe not

You turn in to a harpy op because he has organised your life to suit him. Everything about your post is him organising your life right down to whether you are ALLOWED to conceive or not.

You chose to stay with him I have a sense you've been overruled and brain washed through out the whole 10 yrs in this I hesitate to call relationship.

In payment for adhering to a persons wishes such as his ide want the following

An unlimited amount of money
A cleaner
Gardener
Lunch out with whoever and where ever I want
A beautiful fully loaded with everything my heart desires home

This is minimum payment for signing over my own life to a man and allowing him to have full control over me

Oh and your nagging and a harpy because your unconscious is screaming it's face off at you while your biological clock is ticking louder than Big Ben

I hope he treats you like a queen op I really do

So you love him so that gives him permission to bully and abuse you?

I am on that thread, thanks though. Some of the links are really useful but a lot of it seems to suggest they cant help/ dont mean to be PA. He definately fits a lot of the key aspects and his dad can be PA/ bit controlling/ selfish and his mum just accepts shit from a lot of people so i think a lot of it is learned behaviour.

I think that being PA is a habit that a lot of people don't -want- to break. At some deep level it gets them what they want. One of those quirks of behaviour and then of the mind that seems to work well for the main person. (not for everyone else ofc!)

Have you encountered 'Gaslighting' Milly?

I do not think anyone has the right to abuse someone else. But i guess from his point of view he would deny the above behaviours, say he can be a bit forgetful/ lazy but i am very oversensitive and lose my temper very easily (all of which is true). I have picked up a lot of ugly behaviour myself and when i get angry i fight dirty: name calling, swearing, shouting, etc - other people dont see that side of me, and i know it is abusive in itself. So neither of us are vey nice at times. But the majority of the time we are happy and supporrtive of one another. He is a high earner, and i have the luxury of only working parttime hours, so therefore do the domestic stuff and he is not controlling about money at all. We work together too, which is actually really lovely, and work colleagues/ family would probably say I was very blessed indeed.

Him asking his mother, "What would you like to order?" really pissed me off on your behalf.

He doesn't sound like he has many redeeming features really. And passive aggressives are extremely hard to live with. Like you said, the constant digs end up causing you to lose it, and they're just like, "What's your problem? I didn't do anything." Infuriating. (Daughter of a PA mother, so speaking from experience.)

So he denies it so therefore it doesn't happen - and you are blaming yourself instead? He really has done a number on you hasn't he?

Yes, tentacles, i have read about gaslighting. I used to be so confused when my mum did it, until someone on here posted about it and all of a sudden it made sense. It also describes DHs behaviour to a tee! So frustrating, but i just dont know how to deal with it in a healthy way. dH is someone i love, but i hate this behaviour! And when he does it, it makes me hate him too, for a while. If i could find a way of dealing with it better we would be fine (i agree he wont change, as being PA does benefit him)