Mother's Day

[MillyMollyMandy78]

i am NC with my own abusive mother - have been for a couple of years now. I am also 37 with no children i really wanted them but husband was adament he didnt, so his choice. This caused a lot of friction between us for ages but i am mostly ok with it now. Have a gorgeous nephew and i focus on the many good things in life instead. However, for obvious reasons, Mothers Day is always pretty hard. Just a reminder that i am neither or a mother, or the daughter of a loving mother.

Been with DH for over 10 years and every year it is the same issues: I love MIL dearly but she is NOT MY mum! Every year, i explain to DH that it is obviously nothing personal but i don't want to spend mother's day with someone else's mum. I can't really explain why very well, but it does not feel right. usually we end up seeing his mum, despite my protests he usually arranges for us to have a meal with her, or there is a big family thing arranged that i feel i have to go to. A couple of times i have made my excuses and not gone.

Well this year, DH has really taken the piss. I reminded him it was mothers day on sunday and perhaps he should phone his mum to discuss plans. He asked what should he do/ when would be best to meet etc. i clearly, but nicely, told him to do whatever suits them as it doesnt involve me. So he phones her infront of me, and arranges it all. They were struggling with finding a place to meet, as MIL out with SIL in morning, so i said they could meet here. Next thing i know DH invites her over for lunch, as everywhere else will be busy, and asks me what will be for lunch. Before i have chance to respond, he asks MIL what she would like 'to order' and she replies with what i made for Xmas dinner, whichDH knows was time consuming and a faff.

Really pissed off as DH tends to 'forget' a lot of things which are important to me and i havent bothered confronting him cos i can't be bothered with the same bullshit. We've argued a few times recently anyway and i cba with another one. But i don't know what to do. I don't really want to cook for them or spend time with them on mother's day. Dh is very lazy in regards to relationships etc and does the minimum required for his mum and this feels very much like the lazy option for him: he gets to say he spent time with his mum and she gets a lovely meal, while i slave away in the kitchen. At the very least i would have opted for a simpler meal, but this has already been decided for me. He won't see how bloody cheeky it is and why i feel like staff, not to mention ignoring that mother's day obviously brings up other issues. I have gone shopping for all the ingredients but i want to spend the day in peace. I could go out, but where do i go? Eveywhere will be full of mothers/ daughters etc, and actually i would have preferred to spend the day home, relaxing. So how do i get out of it? I really get on well with MIL and anything now just looks like i am snubbing her.

There is no way to deal with it in a healthy way - the only way is to walk away from it. You cannot manage or change his behaviour - why would you want to? Are you seriously saying you want to find a way of coping with his abuse? Can't you see how wrong that is? Don't you deserve more than this?

Agree Mantra, that his joke about the order was what really pissed me off, but i had no way of saying anything without looking like a jerk, cos he was 'only joking'. This is what he does: says the nastiest, most controlling/ selfish stuff, dresse up as a 'joke'. People at work/ his mum etc think he is hilarious, cos obviously in there eyes he treats me like a princess, and makes silly 'jokes' that to 'obviously' doesn't mean. It also gives him the perfect way to wriggle out of things, as he just brushes them off as jokes, and shifts the blame to me being oversensitive! It's the slyness of it all that gets me!

I notice you say your mother is PA. We tend to pick relationships we're familiar with. You know how "the game" goes, even though you might not like it.

I know how this is coming across, but yes, i do just want a way to deal with it. I aam happy otherwise, and don't want to walk away from the life i have... I am also trapped i guess, cos he owns the business i work in, i have little money cos only work 15 hrs per week, so would lose my job if i left and have no money. Also have two dogs, who are my world (kid substitutes, sadly), and no friends or family nearby. Very much a recluse, and i have no one i know outside of work. Plus, as i said, i do love him and want my marriage to work

Grrr, jokes at your expense!

Would he consider counselling? Or does he think you're the one with the problem? (I expect he does )

But op it doesn't get you enough to do something positive about it, you compare your behaviour to his and say your just as bad. I'm not surprised it is your both caught in a viscous cycle. Oh wouldn't it be a laugh on his part if he fucked off and got some one else pregnant after you've wasted the best child bearing years on his say so.

But really MMM, what life do you have really with this man?. Saying that you're happy otherwise really sounds like you are kidding yourself.
It sounds utterly miserable and you have potentially given up having your own children for this man. Its a huge shame you did not walk away from him at that time; that's one serious area of incompatibility right there.

Do you think you would be better off no longer working for him and seeking alternative employment?. Fifteen hours a week is not a lot and also means that you are being paid a pittance. You sound totally isolated as well with just two dogs for company. Where's any other human interaction here?.

Is this how you want to spend the rest of your days?.

I do wonder whether infact your H is yet another not too dissimilar version of your abusive mother. We do learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did you learn here from them?.

I respect your decision to stay OP but I think that you could be much happier elsewhere if I'm entirely honest.

"Plus, as i said, i do love him and want my marriage to work"

He does not deserve you, honestly.

But what has he done to show really his love for you and to make this marriage work?. There is no easy way at all for you to deal with this; its not possible. You cannot try and make a marriage work on your own, he has to also put the legwork into it. Its ultimately all about him and his needs and wants; you are but of secondary importance to him.

If you want your marriage to work you have to accept that you are married to an abuser. Which doesn't say much for your self esteem to be honest. Surely you would want to be with someone who doesn't abuse or gaslight or lie or...blah blah blah.

And have you ever wondered what it could be like to be with someone who treats you well - and you could have children with? Someone who didn't bully, abuse and gaslight you?

I just re-read your original post Milly. It made me so sad, I see longing to be a mother. How convinced are you that you're "mostly ok with it now"?

You don't have a mother, being NC for entirely understandable reasons. (similar situation with my mother).

But he wanted you to cook for him and his mother on that day that would bring up all kinds of crappy stuff for you.

You've been together over 10 years, surely he must have some clue about how this day affects you? I know people can sometimes be insensitive, but this goes way beyond the realms of that. Into cruelty.

Have I got the key points here?
You clearly told him you didnt want to do something with his mum on mothers day
then
you said it was ok for them to meet at your house as it was more convenient

then
He invited his mother over - but also for lunch and told you what it was you were going to cook...

erm....you gave an inch he took a mile
this is deliberate - thoughtless and entitled behaviour

the more you roll over to this sort of thing the more he will feel free to behave like this over and over until you have no voice left at all
question ?
did you at anypoint say ok to this or has he just assumed ? and frankly I would gaslight him right back even if you did say ok ...deny it now
"oh I thought you were cooking - after all you knew I didnt want to that day
and I have ALREADY TOLD YOU three times I'm going out
you NEVER listen
well your poor mother ! I have no Idea what she will eat.
what are you going to do
Of course I heard you ask her ...I was right there...I wondered how you were going to cook that....but you asked her...not me...and so on

just give the whole damned shitcake back to him ( by gaslight )the way he gave it to you

and next tim e say NO loudly and repeatedly until he starts to hear your voice

I think it's quite clear, OP, that he's not going to change.

So the real question is, are you prepared to put up with his shit, and a probable escalation of this shit over the coming years, in exchange for the financial lifestyle in which he's prepared to keep you?

If you're looking for techniques purely to counter his bullshit, you could adopt saying "Yes dear, I'm sure you're right" in a very patronising voice, or you could try "Wow, you really are a massive cunt, aren't you?" in a voice of amazement.

If he's pulling this "just joking" shit in front of others, you could try just saying deadpan "Unfortunately he's not actually joking - he really expects me to do that. Cunt, isn't he?"

Of course the problem with all the above is they require emotional detachment, which you don't have. As long as you "love" him, you're going to keep being hurt by his bullying. So if the money is that important to you, you'll have to just think about each tear being worth £100, or whatever.

OP when I read through your posts, it is as if you've just given up on life and made yourself utterly subservient to this man.

You have given up on having children, you don't have a fulfilling career - or even an independent one! - you don't have friends, you don't have a healthy marriage.

You're resigned yourself to doing as you're told for the next X number of years until one of you dies. How depressing.

If you were happy, then Mother's Day wouldn't mean a thing to you. You would be happy to host MIL, or you would just go and do your own thing. The reason you are upset about it, every year, is because it brings your desire for children to the surface again.

Out of interest - did he tell you no children before or after you married him?

My sympathies OP. You're in a difficult position, particularly with the work/money imbalance in your relationship, but the bottom line is that your DH has been ignoring your feelings about Mother's Day for ten years.

Just as a contrast, an example of what i think is reasonable in this situation: your DH should have said "I'm going out with my mum, you're welcome to join, but you absolutely don't have to". Instead he has expressly overridden your clearly stated wants.

Why does he get to do this? And why does his preference about kids count more than yours? (I don't mean get pregnant, I mean why stay with someone who doesn't have the same LT aims as you.)

Your first post also said "Dh is very lazy in regards to relationships etc". This to me is a red flag: what's in that "etc" bit? Is the deal that you work PT so you do everything else in your relationship? You don't sound terribly happy with the deal.

Perhaps a way forward is to firstly make clear that you are not available on Sunday for whatever he has arranged for you; secondly look for a FT job elsewhere to redress the power balance a little.

Also might it be worth taking a little time to decide whether you really want kids before the option is taken from you by biology. You say you are only mostly OK with the decision not to have them, having really wanted them in the past. Is staying in a relationship where he gaslights you, ignores your stated preferences, laughs at you worth giving up having kids for? Time to get some power back to give yourself options.

Oh, and I don't think its relevant that workmates/friends might say you are very lucky. Do you feel lucky when you think about what's been forced on you for Sunday?

Sorry, just reread and realised he's rearranged the Sunday meal. Good! But please do consider the other things this episode has highlighted. Enjoy your MIL-free Sunday!

You are isolated, have little money and no friends. You are reliant on him for everything. What happens if he ups and leaves you - has a family with someone else. And by then it is too late for you to have children. Where does that leave you I wonder?

You say you work together, but I'm guessing he's your boss ? He seems to have decided that he's the boss in every area of your life.

I couldn't have stayed with a man who told me we wouldn't be having children because it's not what he wanted. You could and did, and it's not for me or anyone else to judge you. You sound like you've made an enormous compromise though. However, he doesn't even have the decency to respect what any fool would know would be a doubly difficult day for you.

You're obviously not at the ltb stage, but perhaps you're at the why am I here stage ? If you were my friend I'd be very worried about you. Your whole life is dependent upon him - it's kind of parasitic. However, only he seems to be getting what he wants out of it.

I know this isn't AIBU but he really doesn't come across as very nice, based upon your posts. I think you should consider ways in which you can detach yourself from him. Firstly your job, ideally a separate one, if not then more hours to build up some savings. Secondly, some friends and interests separate from him. You don't have to justify why, it's just something you want to do.

Your desire to have children (I'm sorry to be hurtful but it's so clear from your posts), is EQUAL to his desire not to have them. I think deep down you resent him, and are just trying to find a silver lining to everything. Even if you leave him eventually, and for whatever reason do not have children, at least it would have been your choice. You may not meet a suitable person in the future, he/you may be unable to conceive. These things happen naturally. Your future however has been decided by a controlling, and possibly quite cruel, man.

Wow, just got back home to find an overwhelming amount of posts. I will go back now and read them all carefully. I am very grateful that so many people have taken the time to respond

Ok a lot of things to think about. I'll try to answer as many points as i can...

Rubbish - i have mentioned couple counselling before, in relation to the kids thing, as i wanted help with us both moving forward. He refused and mocked the idea. Tbh even if he did go, i think the focus would shift more to my temper problems, rather than his abuse, and he would ignore any advice re his own behaviour.

Attila - yes, i honestly am happy most of the time. DH does have a naturally selfish streak and can be neglectful of my needs, but he is very rarely actually cruel (such as the PA stuff). I realise how crap this sounds, but he does not want to hurt me, he is just out for himself in life and as long as i dont clash with what he wants then things are ok. My ex was a cruel man and so was my mum - it's not the same! Not ideal, but not the same, and as i said i have a pretty unpleasant side sometimes too.

Re the isolation, yes i am completely cut off, and that has got worse since we got together, but mostly because we are both introverts. I have always struggled to make friends and i guess over the years i've stopped making the effort. I have always preferred animals to people anyway so i enjoy being with the dogs. That said, i do get very lonely as DH works a lot of overtime, and we don't really go out as a couple. Plus the one friend i do have has not been as close in recent years, and i don't speak about any of this cos she would say that a lot of what you have all said. She was really upset/ angry on my behalf re the kids thing, and i found i spent time trying to defend his choice.

Looking back perhaps it was a mistake working with him (yes, he is my boss, so to speak, he's a GP and i work in reception), as this has made me very vulnerable re my job/ money etc. i have considered changing jobs, and will think some more, but i love working there and would miss it. What i dresm of doing is setting up my own business (sewing), so i can still be at home for the dogs etc and still work at the surgery inbetween, whilst getting a bit of independence/ security for the future.

I completely agree with the comments about everything being about his wants/ needs and i mostly agree. That's just the way he is, but mostly our wants are similar enough for it not to be a problem.

Tentacles - you're right that this does not say much about my self esteem and i agree. It is much better than before, but still a work in progress.

Unclaimed - i didnt mention anything about this mothers day beforehand, but do have to most/ every year, so it should have been obvious, but yes the rest of that is correct.

Pocket - i am sorry that you seem to think i am staying for the lifestyle. I was just trying to give people an overall picture. I am not that sort of person at all... Main reasons for staying are love for DH/ the dogs, but i was just showing that i am kinda up shit creek financially if i did leave.

Alibabs - that is Probably a fair portrayal. I do feel as though our whole lives revolve around DH: i am merely there to support him in what he wants to do/ his career etc. Even at work i am often seen as DH's wife, rather than me iyswim. But i have partially brought this on myself... I spend a lot of time moaning about things, but still basically do what is 'expected' of me. I am working on doing things that i actually want to do eg go to an exercise class in the evening instead of watching crap on tv/ going out on weekend, even if on my own/ reading etc more. And he did say he wasn't sure about children, but neither was i, but this only changed to not wanting them a few weeks before the wedding. I felt very trapped and manipulated by the timing.

Crunchy - there was no formal agreement but that was kinda how i understood it. Not all bad cos i was doing everything else anyway, so at least now i get plenty of down time, but no not completely happy with it. Gets pretty boring after a while. And i am now sure that i dont want kids, but i do sometimes think what if, but then look at the no of mums that regret having them! Nobody's life is perfect - we all have our crosses to bear.

Current - if he leaves me, then I am pretty fucked but ive been through worse so i would survive!

Dusters - i think the key is to detach a bit. I am trying to do this now in small stages. I think this would really help me.

Sorry for the humongous post, but i wanted to answer all the points

DH does have a naturally selfish streak and can be neglectful of my needs, but he is very rarely actually cruel (such as the PA stuff). I realise how crap this sounds, but he does not want to hurt me, he is just out for himself in life and as long as i dont clash with what he wants then things are ok

Read that, and then read it some more - read it every day until it sinks in that he does not love you, he is only in this life for himself. He doesn't want children, because that would mean he had to think of someone other than himself, and by marrying you he now has receptionist, PA, cleaner, cook and someone to have sex with. All on his terms.

You are quite right to feel manipulated over the timing of his 'no kids' announcement. He left it late enough that he was pretty sure you wouldn't back out, but did it before the wedding so he can say 'well you knew I didn't want children when you married me'.

Forget counselling with him - go on your own, for yourself. Your self-esteem is dreadful, and the fact that you've actively withdrawn from a friend who would tell you all this speaks volumes. You would rather stick your head in the sand because you don't believe you are worth anything more. Please get some counselling and realise that you do deserve more, much more.

Not all bad cos i was doing everything else anyway

I spend a lot of time moaning about things, but still basically do what is 'expected' of me.

So you gave up your FT job so you have enough time to do all the housework and have some time to relax because he refused to help. And not because he told you to, but because it was expected?

I would urge you to seek some support on why you are trying so hard to fulfil everyone else's expectations of you, but not pursuing what you want (be it sewing or children).

Also, should the worst happen (e.g. DH left), are you financially covered (e.g. pension) in light of your PT working? Working PT at 37 because your DH can't be arsed to help seems a little ... odd?

Op please look up Stockholm syndrome