Mother's Day

[MillyMollyMandy78]

i am NC with my own abusive mother - have been for a couple of years now. I am also 37 with no children i really wanted them but husband was adament he didnt, so his choice. This caused a lot of friction between us for ages but i am mostly ok with it now. Have a gorgeous nephew and i focus on the many good things in life instead. However, for obvious reasons, Mothers Day is always pretty hard. Just a reminder that i am neither or a mother, or the daughter of a loving mother.

Been with DH for over 10 years and every year it is the same issues: I love MIL dearly but she is NOT MY mum! Every year, i explain to DH that it is obviously nothing personal but i don't want to spend mother's day with someone else's mum. I can't really explain why very well, but it does not feel right. usually we end up seeing his mum, despite my protests he usually arranges for us to have a meal with her, or there is a big family thing arranged that i feel i have to go to. A couple of times i have made my excuses and not gone.

Well this year, DH has really taken the piss. I reminded him it was mothers day on sunday and perhaps he should phone his mum to discuss plans. He asked what should he do/ when would be best to meet etc. i clearly, but nicely, told him to do whatever suits them as it doesnt involve me. So he phones her infront of me, and arranges it all. They were struggling with finding a place to meet, as MIL out with SIL in morning, so i said they could meet here. Next thing i know DH invites her over for lunch, as everywhere else will be busy, and asks me what will be for lunch. Before i have chance to respond, he asks MIL what she would like 'to order' and she replies with what i made for Xmas dinner, whichDH knows was time consuming and a faff.

Really pissed off as DH tends to 'forget' a lot of things which are important to me and i havent bothered confronting him cos i can't be bothered with the same bullshit. We've argued a few times recently anyway and i cba with another one. But i don't know what to do. I don't really want to cook for them or spend time with them on mother's day. Dh is very lazy in regards to relationships etc and does the minimum required for his mum and this feels very much like the lazy option for him: he gets to say he spent time with his mum and she gets a lovely meal, while i slave away in the kitchen. At the very least i would have opted for a simpler meal, but this has already been decided for me. He won't see how bloody cheeky it is and why i feel like staff, not to mention ignoring that mother's day obviously brings up other issues. I have gone shopping for all the ingredients but i want to spend the day in peace. I could go out, but where do i go? Eveywhere will be full of mothers/ daughters etc, and actually i would have preferred to spend the day home, relaxing. So how do i get out of it? I really get on well with MIL and anything now just looks like i am snubbing her.

Hi MMM

re your comment:-

"Attila - yes, i honestly am happy most of the time. DH does have a naturally selfish streak and can be neglectful of my needs, but he is very rarely actually cruel (such as the PA stuff). I realise how crap this sounds, but he does not want to hurt me, he is just out for himself in life and as long as i dont clash with what he wants then things are ok. My ex was a cruel man and so was my mum - it's not the same! Not ideal, but not the same, and as i said i have a pretty unpleasant side sometimes too".

I think you're kidding yourself frankly and do not want to admit the truth to yourself. None of what you write re him or your overall relationship is anything near what an emotionally healthy relationship should be about. Infact I do not think you have any real idea of what a healthy relationship actually is primarily because no-one ever bothered to show you.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. This is in terms of your own emotional needs being met here. I reckon you could not give me an answer to that question and perhaps you have never asked yourself that either.

This man you are now with is likely yet another not too dissimilar version of your ex. Your H is also abusing you; its all about him and what he wants. Your concerns and life now are of no real importance to him whatsoever. I think you were trained by others to put your own self last and them first and this has simply now transferred into your current relationship. Your H saw that in you and exploited that to its fullest leaving you in this existence now. I also think you have simply done what was expected of you and still do at great cost to yourself, your mother started that particular rot.

I sincerely hope you realise that you are worth so much more than this lonely existence.

Very rarely actually cruel.

That is so sad OP. Just randomly actually cruel so that's ok then.

It would be bad if you had given up having kids for a man who was nice, let alone one who is sometimes actually cruel to you.

So so sad. I hope one day you see than and get out of it.

Milly, I could cry for the desolation in your posts and the bleak landscape of the future you paint.
Please consider taking steps to rescue yourself

I really admire the way you responded to all our posts, very honestly and not defensively.

In lots of ways you seem very self-aware, and aware of your husband's (many) shortcomings in relation to yourself.

What comes across is that you seem to lack any sense of entitlement to having the life you want. It's heartbreaking to read your posts actually.

A good friend is the one who tells you what you need to hear, not what she thinks you want to hear. I know a dog is great because it won't tell you these things, it's also just a dog. It seems a shame to push your friend away because she can see how things really are.

There's an undercurrent of LTB on here, but mainly I think it's more a case of asking you to value yourself and fight for what you really want.

The worst person you can lie to is yourself.

Unclaimed - I am shocked that u find such sadness in my posts that u can feel so bad for me. I don't recognise my life as being so desolate! Most people probably think that I am spoilt and very lucky to swan into work for a couple of hours in my posh car, with just a bit of housework to do. They probably think that my husband is a mug!

Crunchy - DH would say of course it wasn't expected, and he doesn't care about the state of the house. But I do care, and he created a lot of mess for one person so I honestly spent ages trying to keep on top of things. The job was only available part time and I was miserable in my last job so I took it, and since then we find it works fairly well - I get some spare time and am happier, and he gets a happier, less naggy wife. My old job was shift work so i was around more for the dogs then, and I really did not feel it would be fair to go to a typical 9-5 type job as personally feel it is too long to leave them alone, especially when they were used to the company, so on many levels it works for us. Just feel a bit unfulfilled/ bored yet lacking the motivation to fix it!

Tentacles - I can be pretty cruel myself when wound up, and I would describe myself as generally caring/ nice, so my take on things is that few people are nice all the time.

Dusters - I didn't push my friend away, though I didn't confide in her as much. Sadly it's more complicated than that and we have just drifted apart over the years.

Attila - you have given me some very wise advice over the last couple of years and was very supportive over my mum. You are probably right in me being conditioned to put others first, certainly with mum and my ex there wasn't any allowance for having my own needs at all, but DH was and is (mostly) different. He positively encourages me to do what makes me happy, i just find this hard at times. I feel like I need to make myself available whenever he is at home, even if that involves doing stuff that bores me etc. I am definately partially to blame for this situation.

And I wish I had not written that DH is out for himself - that sounds horrible. I guess I just mean that he doesn't really seem to notice other peoples needs - I don't really know how to explain it properly. He's just a bit wrapped up in himself, but then he is used to people falling over themselves for him eg he was a bit spoilt by his mum from the sounds of things and he is treated like a god by patients/ staff at work. Over time he has grown to believe it all. And don't forget I wrote this post pissed off with him so I haven't painted him in his best light!

Anyway, something good now: I have just been out for 2 hours to go to an aqua class. Really friendly bunch and I loved it! Don't think I have ever gone out and left him for the evening (except for work). I do often stay away with family and have gone on a couple of solo holidays but never just out for the evening. It felt good and plan to make it a regular thing. DH was completely fine with this (as I thought he would) but he did get a bit bored! The bitchy side of me thought good cos he works overtime two nights a week (despite not needing to and knowing I'd prefer him not to, but he enjoys it so he does). But usually I think oh I don't see him on those evenings so therefore make myself available on the evenings together, bit martyr like I know! Anyway, small steps...

Sorry guys, I seem completely unable to write a short post! They always end up a bit long winded!