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Original poster

DS (15) would like to change his middle name and surname to get rid of his dad's surname ...

60 replies

Karenthetoadwhisperer · 10/03/2015 18:03

DS is now doing some GCSE's and it troubles him that his full name will be on the certificate and on the test papers to include his father's surname in addition to my surname. Both our children have both our surnames, eg. Toad-Toadwhisperer. DS also has his father's first name as a middle name that he also wants eliminated. So he is going to change from having four names to two: His first name and his surname that he is known by, which is my surname.

I can complete the application online and I do not need his father's consent, as he has no parental responsibility and we were not married and are not married now.

My problem is that it is unfair on DD who is 10. When DD was born, her father automatically acquired parental responsibility due to a change in the law. Their father would have to agree to a name change and my children will then have different surnames, however in their German passports they have only my surname anyway, because I was never married to their father. It's complicated.

Their father is on both their birth certificates. They were born in the UK.

When DS is 16, he can change his name himself, of course. I have asked him to wait until he is 16 which is before he will receive his GCSE certificate and he will then have some more time to think about this step. However, he has been decided for over a year that he wishes to change his name and he remains adamant. It really troubles him and I do believe he would be happy if I agreed to do this for him now.

But what if he reconciles with his father?

Shall I go along with DS's decision?

OP posts:
NumTumDeDum · 10/03/2015 18:07

Ordinarily I'm against name changes as a name is an important part of who you are, but he's 15 and has obviously given this some thought. Is he really going to change his mind in less than 12 months? And if he doesn't, then he has the name he doesn't want on his certificates and he's going to have to explain himself every time they are required as evidence by colleges, universities or employers.

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 10/03/2015 18:11

He is a very sensible boy and he has given it a lot of thought. He has always only used my surname and never bothered with the double name and so has DD. Nobody would really know that she still has Toad's surname.

I think I shy away from being responsible for this decision.

I can just do with not a lot of additional stress with his dad, but that's selfish. However, his dad is not getting out of maintenance, so this should not be a problem.

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 10/03/2015 18:13

I know what it means to be able to choose the name I want on official documents - it sounds like your DS has given it serious thought.

I would allow this change, it's important to him.

handfulofcottonbuds · 10/03/2015 18:15

I can just do with not a lot of additional stress with his dad

It's your son's decision and I'm sure you will respect that above what his Dad feels.

GoatsDoRoam · 10/03/2015 18:16

He sounds like he has good reasons.

Let DD come to her own decision in her own time, and tackle any bureaucracy and ex-husbands then. Too early to do so now.

You are lucky that they already both have the same name and the name DS wants in the eyes of the German state. It is a bugger to get UK name changes recognised in other countries, and many (not sure about Germany but could be) require that siblings all carry the same surname.

NumTumDeDum · 10/03/2015 18:18

Karen I think you've answered it - you know him to be sensible, and he's clearly demonstrated he understands the consequences. I'd let him do it. I do however have a great deal of sympathy for you as I'm sure this won't please dad, but his relationship with his son is his responsibility not yours.

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 10/03/2015 18:18

You are right, handful. I do respect DS's opinion above his dad's. Of course I do. I am just concerned that he may reconcile with his dad and then ask why I agreed to this when he was 'just' fifteen.

OP posts:
NumTumDeDum · 10/03/2015 18:19

Well he can alwats change it back again, and he will still have the qualifications so no real harm done.

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 10/03/2015 18:20

Yes, NumTumDeDum. His dad will of course blame me for parental alienation and so on ... But I have dealt with this so far and I can continue to deal with this. I would never want Toad's surname so I cannot expect the children to accept it either.

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 10/03/2015 18:20

My unofficial ward (complicated backstory but that sums it up) started using my surname shortly after her DF walked out on her mother. the school had no issues with her wishes and she sat her exams using my surname and got the certificate in that name. It wasn't a problem. She did change her name by Deed Poll when she was older.

This was all her decision - she asked me if I would mind if she changed her name to mine - but she told her father after the deed was done!

IHeartKingThistle · 10/03/2015 18:21

It's obviously important to him. I mark GCSE papers and every year there are students who do this off their own bat, changing the surname or putting it in brackets. It's a big deal for some kids. I just make sure it's the right candidate!

KatieKaye · 10/03/2015 18:22

Btw - she was 15 when she first started using my name at school, so same age as your DS and she was absolutely certain.

Her father wasn't happy either. Like your DS she just did not want his name after what he'd done to the family.

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 10/03/2015 18:23

Goats the children automatically only have my surname in their passports, as I was never married to their father. So they simply get the mother's name. It was lucky. Toad of course accused me that I have done this on purpose I have powers over the border agency.

OP posts:
PedantMarina · 10/03/2015 18:30

Awww! The ward, that is. You must be a fantastic mum...

Karen, I've lurked on some of your freds, and from what I've gleaned, Toad will go spare if the day of the week ends with a Y. So, not one iota of headspace wasted on that, young lady! >wags finger<

And good luck to whisper-teen on the exams. Grin

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 10/03/2015 18:32

Grin PedantMarina he is doing brilliantly. He does not want Toad's name darken his A's.

OP posts:
PedantMarina · 10/03/2015 18:32

Whoops, just spotted it's KatieKaye wot's got the ward (and, no doubt, loads of crinolines!). So, Kk, you rock, too.

Doesn't invalidate my luffs for Karen, though. Blush

redcaryellowcar · 10/03/2015 18:35

I have a friend who waited until his mind twenties to change his surname to something totally different from his dad's, I think he wishes he'd done it earlier.

CountingThePennies · 10/03/2015 22:52

Yes change his name for him

HairyHandedFucker · 10/03/2015 23:34

I was about the same age when I decided I wanted to ditch my father's surname (he left). My mother wouldn't allow it, and persuaded me still not to (mainly, I believe, because she wanted me to have the same surname as my younger siblings) even when I was early twenties. I wish so much I had changed it when I was a young teen. I ended up only changing it upon my own marriage. I wish I had been supported to change it.
So, enough about me! He sounds like he has his reasons, I say support him.

AdoraBell · 10/03/2015 23:39

I also agree, let him change his Name.

catsrus · 10/03/2015 23:42

my friend's ds changed his around the same age - and he'd been known by his absent father's name - was very pleased to be rid of it, it was hugely symbolic for him.

DistanceCall · 11/03/2015 00:14

I think you should allow it. He's old enough, and sensible enough, and clearly has thought about this. If he changes his mind later on, he can always change it back.

And your daughter can also change her surname when she grows up if she wishes to. It really would not be fair on your son to prevent him from changing his name just because his sister won't (for the time being). This means something to him.

BlackeyedSusan · 11/03/2015 00:30

oh for goodness sake let him change his name. good riddance

RandomFriend · 11/03/2015 00:52

My problem is that it is unfair on DD who is 10.

I don't think this is a good reason to stop your DS from changing his name.

I recall some of your earlier threads, Karen. Let DS change his name now if he wants to, and work out how to do the same for DD before she does her GCSEs.

Thumbwitch · 11/03/2015 00:57

Hello Karen!

I doubt very much that your DS is going to reconcile with Toad under the circs, and even if he does, he may still not want his names.

Let him do it if he wants - your DD will have the same opportunities when she reaches the same age, so you can sell the "unfairness" aspect of it to her as being related to her age (you wouldn't stop your DS from learning to drive just because your DD isn't as old as him, would you - similar thing really)

I'm not sure he'd be able to easily change his name between sitting the exams and getting the cert - I think he'd need to change his name before the exams to keep it all in order, so don't let it get messed up for him.

As for Toad blaming you - well no surprise there, eh?! He'd blame you whatever happened, so might as well keep at least one person happy, the one who matters more anyway - your DS. :)

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