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Original poster

Moral Dilemma on OHs affair

51 replies

Cecily0 · 09/03/2015 19:42

I found out a few months ago my OH has been having an affair on and off for over 5 years. I have spent the last few months sorting myself out and deciding what to do for the best for me and my children. My relationship with OH has completley collapsed & at my request we are separating.
The other woman who was married with older children has now disappeared as soon as she found out I knew. It feels like she has got away scot free. I do know how to contact her husband, i've anaylsed my motives & I know part of me would be acting out of revenge, but another part of me feels he has a right to know, especially after the length of the affair. Should I contact him? Any advice or comments?

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 09/03/2015 19:48

Yes, I would contact him - for all sort of reasons.

FelicityGubbins · 09/03/2015 19:48

I'd tell him, I'm a vindictive bitch though so no one shits on me or my kids and walks off Scot free...

ThatCuckingFat · 09/03/2015 19:50

Oh god I really don't know what you should do for the best. Sorry for what you have gone through, did you know the woman? And the husband has no idea at all?

MaggieGreene · 09/03/2015 19:51

Yes, I would contact him. He deserves to know and why should the OW get off scott free?

Although lots of people will tell you to take the moral high ground and not contact him.

Nolim · 09/03/2015 19:55

Focus on moving on with your life. Take the higher ground.

handfulofcottonbuds · 09/03/2015 19:56

I would tell him but in a gentle way - it's quite a bombshell but I think it's the kindest thing for him to be told.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Pippa12 · 09/03/2015 19:58

I'd tell him- purely because I hope to God somebody would tell me!

dementedma · 09/03/2015 19:58

What purpose will it serve telling him? Leave him be.

RyanGoslingsSecretWife · 09/03/2015 19:59

I was contacted by the OW's H. I was completely in the dark about my ExP's affair. I didn't focus on his motives for telling me but I am glad he did. It's nearly 2 years later and long ago I realised he did me a favour. I would not have wanted to carry on my relationship without knowing the truth.
You should tell him. It's unfair he is living a lie and doesn't realise it.

ThatCuckingFat · 09/03/2015 20:01

I think he has a right to know absolutely, to be honest it should be coming from his wife and your OH. I would find it really difficult personally to tell him as it will turn his world upside down. It's not fair that 3 out of 4 people in the situation know the truth and the other one has no idea, though.

AlternativeTentacles · 09/03/2015 20:01

What purpose will it serve telling him? Leave him be.

So that he could make an informed decision about his life?

AnyFucker · 09/03/2015 20:02

In this situation, I would contact him.

LlamaLove · 09/03/2015 20:04

5 years! Bloody hell. Yes definately tell the poor bugger.

fieldfare · 09/03/2015 20:05

I would absolutely tell him.
He has the right to know.

biffyboom · 09/03/2015 20:06

I would definitely want to know. I'd think people knowing and not telling me were cruel. If the ow's husband had discovered the affair first, wouldn't you have wanted him to tell you or would you prefer to be oblivious?

Christinayang1 · 09/03/2015 20:07

Tell him, the poor man deserves to know

BifsWif · 09/03/2015 20:10

Yes tell him. I would want to know if my husband was having an affair, who wouldn't?

backdatednamechange · 09/03/2015 20:12

Tell him

GirlWithaPearlEarring · 09/03/2015 20:14

Are you sure he doesn't already know and is content with the status quo?

Are you prepared to live with the consequences of being the messenger of ill news, even if it all goes badly wrong?

What if her husband snaps and gives her a beating? There are Plenty of formerly nice, mild-tempered men in prison as-we-type for committing crimes of passion, including murder, for discovering a wife's affair.

Highly unlikely but not impossible.

What about her children, they would suffer for your revenge too.

It might be justifiable and even right, but if you can say 'my conscience wouldn't bother me if something went wrong', only then go ahead.

I feel your pain though. It would burn me to let her get away with it too!

IrianofWay · 09/03/2015 20:15

5 years of his marriage has been a lie. Please tell him.

HiawathaDidntBotherTooMuch · 09/03/2015 20:19

If the boot was on the other foot, would you want to know? I know I would. It will be hard to say, and horrible for him to hear, but he sjouke know so that he can decide for himself whether he wants to stay in the marriage. That is, assuming that he does not know already,

iwashappy · 09/03/2015 20:21

I think he has a right to know, especially after that length of time.

OP if the roles were reversed and you were the one in the dark and the husband knew would you want him to tell you?

Sorry about your husband's affair, I hope you are okay.

HootyMcTooty · 09/03/2015 20:30

I'd tell him, but I'm not sure it would be for moral reasons alone. I'd also want to know if I were him.

dreamingbohemian · 09/03/2015 20:33

5 years?? Yes, I would tell him

I once told a woman her DP was cheating, all of her other friends knew but wouldn't say anything. I will never forget how grateful she was and how shitty it would have been for her if I had never said anything.

I would not always tell, I think people can make mistakes, but a 5 year affair, come on.

dreamingbohemian · 09/03/2015 20:35

Also it's not purely an ethical question, plenty of married people don't use protection against STDs and their health can be at risk if their partner is cheating. For that reason alone they should know, I think.