Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Moral Dilemma on OHs affair

51 replies

Cecily0 · 09/03/2015 19:42

I found out a few months ago my OH has been having an affair on and off for over 5 years. I have spent the last few months sorting myself out and deciding what to do for the best for me and my children. My relationship with OH has completley collapsed & at my request we are separating.
The other woman who was married with older children has now disappeared as soon as she found out I knew. It feels like she has got away scot free. I do know how to contact her husband, i've anaylsed my motives & I know part of me would be acting out of revenge, but another part of me feels he has a right to know, especially after the length of the affair. Should I contact him? Any advice or comments?

OP posts:

Joysmum · 09/03/2015 21:34

You'd have wanted to know, so would he. I'd tell him but please try to think of how you would have wanted been told. You are both the victims in this

LudoDown · 09/03/2015 21:37

I know I'd want to know. I wouldn't care who the information was coming from either (or what their motives were).

GooodMythicalMorning · 09/03/2015 21:42

Id tell him.

worrieddadof2 · 09/03/2015 21:47

He needs to know, with a bit of luck he leaves her.

CurlyWurlyCake · 09/03/2015 21:56

I would really like to know so yes, I think you should tell him.

winkywinkola · 10/03/2015 06:50

Tell him.

YouAreMyRain · 10/03/2015 07:01

I would want to know. Tell him.

steerpike82 · 10/03/2015 08:06

Honestly, no I wouldn't. Your relationship isis (was?) yours. The OW & her husband have their own, and you may be devastating an innocent man just for revenge. It's unfair.

NeedABumChange · 10/03/2015 10:00

I would tell him. It's something I feel very strongly about. I don't think it's right to let someone waste their life on living a lie.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2015 10:15

I don't think it's your job to tell this woman's DH. I understand that you're angry, feeling betrayed, feeling powerless, frustrated at the injustice etc but I don't think you'd gain anything from telling the OW's family and you could even find it comes back on you in ways you don't expect. A lot of people say 'I'd want to know', but how did you find out about your OH? Would it have been better or worse if a third party had blown his secret? Would you have believed them?

Fiddlerontheroof · 10/03/2015 10:22

My husband also had an affair for 5 years. When he left me he told me it has only been three months. A friend told me how long it had actually been and she agonised for weeks over it before telling me.

I'm eternally grateful to get, it gave me closure and knowledge that I was fully informed and I could then make my own decisions.

A one or two night stand, I'd be telling you to leave it, but five years was a quarter of our relationship, we'd had a baby and coped with a disabled child in that time. This person has every right to know and I dont think you should hesitate.

Interestingly, I don't think the family of my ex husbands wife know truly how she met him, they think it was some massive romance I think and have no idea they were furtively fucking each other while I coped with all the shit. I'm hoping I run into them some day :) xx

BeeRayKay · 10/03/2015 10:28

Having recently been the recipient of this news (literally last night) I can say you should tell him. BUT

1/. Have proof. He'll want it.
2/. Don't do it out of spite.
3/. Do it kindly

The woman in question told me out of spite because her and my "d"H had had an argument. But she no proof and he'd cleared all his messages.

I was literally sat there watching tv and a really spiteful whatsapp message came through and told me. And she was fucking vile about it. It's made everything so much harder.

hesterton · 10/03/2015 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Witchofthenorth · 10/03/2015 10:38

I would think long and hard really. I'm all for taking the moral high ground, it will come back and bite her at one point. But another part of me says tell him....I am projecting though, as my ex husband is lording it up while I'm facing bankruptcy and he couldn't give a shit. He as all nice and cosy now with the OW and they are expecting a baby in May...I really want to tell her he begged to come back home to me and the kids less than three months ago!

I think I would want to know if I were him, but make sure you are doing it for the right reasons and not just to be spiteful like I am

intlmanofmystery · 10/03/2015 12:47

I would not contact. Despite all that has happened, the relationship between OW and her husband is nothing to do with you. What are you hoping to achieve by telling him? As hard as it is I would walk away...

mummymeister · 10/03/2015 14:09

I would absolutely tell him. I agree totally with Bee that it is all about how you do it and that you let him know not openly and out of the blue or vindictively but with as much kindness as you can. he may already know but if he doesn't then this will be as earth shattering to him as it was to you. I cant honestly believe the posters who say don't tell. Really? you want this poor soul to catch a disease or find out in 10 years time that his whole marriage has been a façade? I would so want to know and hope that anyone even a complete stranger would have enough respect for me to tell me the score.

Quitelikely · 10/03/2015 14:14

Five years. Yes tell him. I think he has a right to know.

I like the other posters suggestion: do it kindly.

siblingrevelryagain · 10/03/2015 17:57

Tell him. As someone on the receiving end of a cheating DH (my own, I mean), I would have appreciated it if someone had told me, as long as they were kind in their approach.

What he decides to do with the information is his choice.

crje · 10/03/2015 17:59

I would tell

RebelRobin · 10/03/2015 18:24

Tell tell tell

CupidStuntSurvivor · 10/03/2015 18:38

'Taking the higher ground' in this scenario means leaving some other poor sod in the dark over a long term cheating wife. I'd tell him. I am vindictive, I admit. But I've always looked at situations and decided if I'd want to know. I would.

MeganBacon · 10/03/2015 18:43

I would want to be told, but in as kind a way as possible and only the absolute truth as you know it, not your slant/interpretation of things. I would want to be spoken to directly and respectfully and I would want to be able to fall apart privately, not in front of you or anyone else who I barely know. I think he has the right to know but please be gentle.

I hope you are ok OP.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 10/03/2015 18:47

FWIW, I once discovered that I was the other woman after a relationship with a man who'd claimed to be long-term separated. (I was extremely naive back then).

I did tell his wife. I was as kind about it as I'd want someone to be with me. I had evidence ( Bee is right...that was very important to her.) She thanked me for both telling her and being willing to answer her questions.

I know it's a slightly different situation, but the way you do it really does matter.

Lndnmummy · 10/03/2015 19:15

I am sorry you are gling through this. Tell him - kindly.

Original poster

Cecily0 · 10/03/2015 21:13

Thank you. I'm having counselling & I have some family support.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3