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Relationships

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Original poster

open relationships

54 replies

seempels · 09/03/2015 19:42

How common are they? DH and I contemplating it after nine years together and two dc under six. I have been the one to initiate it but we've backed away from the idea due to thinking we need to stick solidly together with such little kids. I must say though that every time we discuss it our relationship feels stronger for it.

OP posts:

Christinayang1 · 09/03/2015 19:58

It's not for me but each to their own

Can I ask why you want to go down that route?

Albadross · 09/03/2015 20:04

I've often wondered the same. No wisdom but curious to know what others say

SpooneriseShinyTights · 09/03/2015 20:07

Steel yourself OP. MN isn't usually very welcoming to threads like these.

I totally get you. DP and I have dabbled with opening our relationship. I instigated it all. l At the minute we're 'closed' but I miss the excitement and the fun and the nights out. It's a tough one.

GhettoFabulous · 09/03/2015 20:11

Going by the number of cheating men who contact me as I'm looking for poly partners, I'd say there's not many true open/poly relationships out there.

Sickoffrozen · 09/03/2015 20:22

I think this can only work if both of you find someone to be open with! If it's all one sided then I can see resentment building etc..

How happy would you be to see your DH getting dressed up, going out for a night and then not coming back until the early hours/next morning? What if you develop feelings for someone else or he does?

What is it you hope to find and why are you considering this?

Original poster

seempels · 09/03/2015 20:27

Thanks for your replies. I want to do it because monogamy doesn't feel completely right all the time. Humans haven't always been monogamous and I feel like more and more I'm hearing of people trying out non monogamy.
Spoonerise is it easy to climb back from non monogamy? My partner suggested we/ I try it for a bit so he can see how he'd feel about me being with someone else. That scared me off it. We need one another now that the kids are so little. I also worry I'd get jealous.

OP posts:

magoria · 09/03/2015 20:27

If you are both happy with this and have ground rules then it is no one's business but yours.

If one of you only agrees to it in order to keep the other happy then it is unfair and not right.

Branleuse · 09/03/2015 20:31

we have dabbled, but you do need to be careful it isnt just the swan song of a dying relationship where neither are brave enough to actually end things.

what would you feel if your dp actually got cosy and emotionally involved or fell in love with another woman?

Original poster

seempels · 09/03/2015 20:32

Sickoffrozen (I love that name) I think I'd be happy to see him go out and be excited to have a good time. We have a great time together so why shouldn't he? I think if I was prepared in advance it could be easier to cope with the jealousy. Like if I knew next week he's going out and I can choose to do the same or not.
I'm considering it for many reasons some of which I mentioned above. I guess like most people I am attracted to more than one person.

OP posts:

Original poster

seempels · 09/03/2015 20:33

Branleuse I'd feel very upset if he did. I love our relationship our family and our closeness.

OP posts:

Original poster

seempels · 09/03/2015 20:37

For those of you who have dabbled, is there a way back if you find it's not right for you or would it always feel strange?

OP posts:

bringmejoy2015 · 09/03/2015 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpooneriseShinyTights · 09/03/2015 20:45

seem It has been fairly uneventful falling back into our old life. I'm not 100% happy but that's mostly because I struggle to make friends, we have no babysitting options and I have zero social life so I feel trapped.
The reason we stopped was because there was a clear imbalance in our activity/options. I was inundated with viable offers and ended up meeting one person I really clicked with after about 5/6 first dates with various people (just drinks). DP struggled to even find people to talk to online and ended up cashing his chip in with someone he later revealed he didn't really fancy but felt compelled to have his turn as I was having my fun.
It has to be fair and equal. And it has to be something you both want. And the rules have to be established and adhered to from the off. Some people want to know details. I certainly didn't so we had a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. Inevitably curiosity got the better of me and I snooped and saw pics. I didn't know whether to feel happy or sad that the OW wasn't very attractive or charming or witty. I felt bad for DP. Weird eh?!

The first time he went out I sat in and watched Netflix and had a glass of wine before going to bed and sprawling feeling glad I had it all to myself. I didn't feel upset or jealous, just a bit strange.

TheoriginalLEM · 09/03/2015 20:49

Would it just be for sex or would it be dates etc?

i couldn't cope with either myself but the latter would be harder for me.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 09/03/2015 20:49

As your children are so small I'd say wait.

If this totally fucks your marriage up they will be the ones that suffer, so on that basis alone I think your idea is selfish and indulgent. If you don't want to be with your DH , then leave.

category1 · 09/03/2015 22:15

Try reading 'the ethical slut' or maybe 'opening up' or 'more than 2' (authors escape me) if you're interested in polyamory: it depends whether you're comfortable with the prospect of possibly developing feelings for people outside the relationship. If you just want the sex part, maybe try swinging clubs?

I've been in an open relationship (I'd say polyamorous in my case, tbh) for a year, it's working so far. It is a risk, I know, but I am far happier these days than I was before. If it all falls apart, the nay-sayers can say 'told you so'. It's difficult at times but also has improved communication between me and dh a thousand times.

SpooneriseShinyTights · 09/03/2015 22:20

category I read The Ethical Slut but felt like lots of it didn't really apply to me. It's very much aimed at 'poly' people.

I have no interest in polyamory. It's definitely not for me. I think 'open relationship' seems more appropriate when it's just sex being sought outside the main relationship? Hmm. Sorry, just thinking out loud.

Might download your other book suggestion .

OP which one do you think you are considering?

BlueDressingGown · 09/03/2015 22:21

If you don't want your OH to be emotionally involved with someone else as you love the closeness and family that you have, then it seems a dangerous route to go down as you can't really rule out that happening. Also, if it is just about sex, with young kids in the picture it does seem a lot to risk just to make your penis/vaginas feel good.

Branleuse · 09/03/2015 22:23

category has a point. maybe look into swinging?

category1 · 09/03/2015 22:36

The idea behind (my sort of) polyamory is to kind of get off the "relationship escalator" where it's going to lead to living together or whatever and being exclusive, but to love your partner(s) and enjoy what you can have together. There's no question of me leaving my dh, or my boyfriend leaving his wife ( and yes we all know each other and know exactly what's going on). Why would we? It's a different way of having relationships.

Currently having cake and eating it too.

I admit it's only been a year, so quite possibly I'll be crying over the wreckage in future.

LovesYoungDream · 09/03/2015 22:42

It wouldn't be for us personally, I would fear it is a slippery slope to the end but it's your relationship so your business. Would swinging be a better option if you're insecure about an open relationship? Agree the rules beforehand.

SpooneriseShinyTights · 09/03/2015 22:47

I hear you category. Monogamy is the goal, the be all and end all in our society. I have always been skeptical of that (especially considering the divorce rates) but only really started questioning it and realising it's not the only way to live your life in the last 5 years.

To the posters suggesting swinging can I just point out that that is a totally different thing from an open relationship. I don't want to have sex with other people with my husband present or involved. I want to have more than one sexual relationship.

OP may fancy swinging, she may not. Doing it together is not going to be any less likely to cause friction or tension imo. In fact, probably more.

riverboat1 · 09/03/2015 23:11

Interesting thread - sorry I have no experience or insight to offer though OP.

I do think that a lot of the arguments for open relationships / not seeing monogamy as the be all and end all make rational sense. And I can relate to the feeling of wanting more than one sexual relationship while keeping a single primary family unit/committed relationship.

But I don't see how I could live with the flip side of that, ie DP having sex with other women, with the risk of one of them becoming a threat to our own relationship. I am not a secure enough person to be able to cope with all that, though I admire others that can and do.

Icicleinmyhand · 09/03/2015 23:17

OP - I did this with a previous partner (complicated situations with sexualities etc too). Don't do it with small children. It ruined my relationship which I thought couldn't possibly be ruined, and even though I'm now with someone else I wish with all my heart I was still with my previous partner who was the love of my life. You can't predict what will happen, which includes your partner possibly deciding they want someone else instead.

aeon456 · 10/03/2015 01:34

Depends on what your definition if open is. I've lived with my partner for 5 years & we don't have a sexual relationship any longer as he's generally not interested in sex (with anyone) As I didn't want to split up form him as we get on very well I said would it be ok for me to see someone else for sex, which is what I do - seen same person on and off for about 3 years. Most people think it's weird setup if I tell them but it works ok for us.

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