open relationships

[seempels]

How common are they? DH and I contemplating it after nine years together and two dc under six. I have been the one to initiate it but we've backed away from the idea due to thinking we need to stick solidly together with such little kids. I must say though that every time we discuss it our relationship feels stronger for it.

My wife and I have had an open relationship for the last twenty years (will be married 40 years in July) and it works for us. Think there has to be complete honesty and lack of jealousy, as well as two very secure individuals, for it to work.

When married we had an open relationship but like some of the posts here it ended up being "semi-open" - I had lots of offers, opportunities, and fun. He had very little.

I have to say I loved it and he genuinely enjoyed hearing what I got up to.

Having said that, our marriage failed, not because of the extra marital sex, but it meant that when there was opportunity to spend time with someone else I took it. Gradually we just drifted apart, more because our jobs meant that we (especially me) were spending a lot of nights away during the week, and I was socialising a lot through work and saw less and less of my husband.

We got married too young, I think that was the main problem. We broke up on good terms and he has met someone since. They have a sort of open relationship and have couple swapped a few times. No kids yet.

After divorce I got pregnant from a weekend fling and that has meant that dating has not been as easy as it once was but if I met someone who wanted to swing/open relationship I would consider it again.

One bit of advice, your husband will want to shag you when you get back from a date. It can be a bit of a surprise.

Interesting thread.

DH and I dabbled in multiple partners before we got married, in our 20s, but 3 children and 10 years of marriage later, we are fully monogamous.

But I too wonder about the logic of only being sexual with one person for 40+ years. Seems rather limiting to me, with so much variety on offer!

I am also bisexual, so that's something else I would like to explore but currently don't.

We have sort of discussed it, but for the same reasons a lot of people have talked about on here (jealousy, insecurity, wondering about falling in love with someone else), we haven't taken it further.

Part of me thinks wait until the kids are older, as a bit of a safe guard, but then the other half of me thinks I will be less attractive in 10 years' time so now is the time for us to make the jump!

There was a brilliant set of articles in the Sunday Times magazine about 6 weeks ago, which was all about this subject, and more... Couples in c.10 yr marriages looking for more than their current set up, female libido post child birth, open relationships etc... Was very eye opening and DH and I discussed it then, but work and life has gotten in the way again of discussing further!

Will follow this thread with interest.

My wife and I have been technically 'open' for about four years now, and our kids are 10 and 7. In practice, the 'open' thing barely registers on our day-to-day lives -- it's not like we're throwing wild sex parties or trawling the Internet for illicit hookups. We just go about our daily lives, but with the added knowledge that we could (if we wanted) strike up a conversation with one of those attractive people we encounter, and that it could perhaps lead somewhere. We're not poly, we're not looking to make our lives more complicated, and 99 nights out of 100 we're both home looking after the kids and being 'boring' (I use the quotes because the domestic stuff is really fun and important to us).

In practice, over the last four years, my wife has had far more 'adventures' than I have. I really think this is mainly due to the fact that (a) she is very attractive, and (b) available guys meeting a married woman will be far more willing to 'bend the rules' in order to sleep with her, whereas women tend to be far more cautious in meeting a guy who claims to be in an open relationship. I would like to have had more escapades, but I fear the only way to do that would be to go online and start looking for other 'open' couples.

I haven't experienced any jealousy on the nights my wife has been out of the house. (To tell the truth, I find it very arousing to imagine her with other men, and I always enjoy hearing about it afterwards.) For now, it's working for us (and as I say, it's really only a tiny aspect of our lives -- not something we give much thought or attention). If it ever starts to go wrong, we'll talk about it and maybe make changes.

A good book to read on the subject is simply called 'Open' by a woman called Jenny Block.

I think you should question your partner more closely. If he thinks you're instigating this because you're unhappy in the relationship, and if he has low self-esteem he may be saying you should try it for a while because he's frightened of the alternatives.

Of course they should talk talk talk about it. She needs to ensure he understands it's not that there is something wrong in the relationship, just that other options other than traditional monogamy could be interesting.

"I must say though that every time we discuss it our relationship feels stronger for it."

It's entirely possible that, during each discussion, the DP feels a little threatened and therefore makes a special effort towards the OP. It's entirely possible that the OP derives a sense of control from simply having the discussion. There are lots of reasons why the relationship might feel stronger to the OP after these episodes. However, nothing the OP has written sounds like enthusiasm for this idea on the part of the DP.

Anything alternative like this needs to be done with a view to improving the current relationship, not because the current relationship is lacking.

Communication is the key to any good relationship, it's even more vital in this case. Leaving things unsaid or not being sure of your own motives or that of your husband can only lead to disaster.

Given that emotions and feelings are complicated at the best of times, I think it's a rare couple where both are fully in touch with their own feelings, let alone fully appreciative a of their partner's AND properly able to express themselves too!

You certainly sound nowhere near ready to try an open relationship!

It is entirely possible, yes. But given we can't ask the OP's DH directly, we have to base our assumptions on what the OP has shared. And where you have seen no enthusiasm on the DH's part from what she has written, I see an openness to try something new, and to be cautious going into it given it's a big thing to explore.

I think you are projecting your own negative feelings of open relationships onto the OP's DH, Cog.

"my wife has had far more 'adventures' than I have"

Every couple I know who has tried this has found the same.

But who ever really goes from monogamy one day, to being totally confident open relationships are right for you the next?

I don't know if we are ready either, OP, but we are having the conversations to open up the possibility. Like Jake the Dog from Adventure Time once said "sucking at something is the first step to becoming sorta good at something!".

"I think you are projecting your own negative feelings of open relationships onto the OP's DH, Cog"

What I'm doing is trying to work out the non-speaking DP's perspective and urge the OP to make very sure that their DP is fully behind this idea rather than just going along with it to keep the peace. There have been a few of threads on this board where one partner tells the other that they will be seeing other people, and the partner is so insecure or lacks self-esteem that they don't feel they are entitled to object.

It's also significant, I think, that the OP says they 'pull back' and don't go through with the idea. It could be that the whole idea is purely a fantasy - not unheard of. However it could also be a type of manipulation

I know several people who have varying degrees of open relationships, from swinging to having FWBs to being full on polyamorous.

My sis is one of the latter; she is married but also has a male partner. That partner also has another female partner. Both my sis and her male partner also have occasional casual dates with others. My BiL has the option of dating others but isn't really interested (very low sex drive.) They are all very good friends and tend to socialise together - I have been out with the whole group many times and there is no awkwardness at all. They have had this current set up for about the last 5 years.

I asked my sis what the secret was to getting it right and she said honesty, frequent checking-in to make sure everyone is happy and is having their needs met, and Google calendar.

I can't cope with one regular partner let alone multiple, so it wouldn't be the set up for me, but it works for them.

I tried swinging with a previous partner. It didn't really do it for me but then I didn't much fancy the other bloke. I would try it again in the future though.

I think if you're going to do it then you have to be totally honest about things, and it's okay to say "You know what, I said I was okay with X but actually I'm having a hard time and I need that to stop."

The more people who experiment with open relationships, the better the world will become. The cult of monogamy (ie the insistence, often enforced with bullying and actual violence, that all sexual relationships should be monogamous) is massively destructive.
Lifetime monogamy does, of course, work well enough for some people, but for the majority it's a matter of 'settling', not rocking the boat, not feeling brave enough to deal with the social disapproval, or being scared of a partner's violence - and that fact that violence committed after a breach of monogamy is the type of violence most likely to be dismissed as 'you asked for it.' Of course, what usually happens in monogamous relationships where one or both partners are not 100% into the cult of monogamy is less and less sex and the withering away of the relationship until one or the other begins an affair.

Interesting post iamsomeonelese - I kind of think that's what it would be like with me and my DH... Normal day to day love, support, children and humdrum of daily life with 3 dependents and 2 FT jobs etc, but with the added colour from an odd encounter every now and then (maybe a couple of times a year? Maybe more, maybe less?)

Added colour is a good way of putting it. It just sort of puts a little extra spring in your step and a sparkle in your eye.

On the bright side it's all quite fashionable right now ie: open,polymory,swinging etc.

A lot of people are questioning monogamy? Its not going to be easy to find other partners after spending 9 years together.

My advice would be to not rush it and be wary of the internet especially porn sites. Risks are high including your DH being more successfull, him going with a prostitute or catching some nice disease.

Apart from that if you meet the right people and are comfortable with SEX then why not. Maybe don't go all the way on the first night and see how comfortable you really feel.

Thanks again everyone for all your insights. It's really helpful to hear what others have experienced.

I'm interested in this thread because I occasionally think along these lines myself and have wondered how to broach it to DH. Then I realise that my inability to broach it means that our relationship isn't in the right place to try anything like this. For me I think it's being parents of small DC and a yearning to feel the chase again. I know DH is the person I want to spend my life with but I had a very happy single life too so sometimes I think it's about trying to have the best of both worlds.

I would question why people who are married want to try open relationships - surely it makes sense not to marry if you can't stick to one person.

Fascinating thread. It wouldn't be right for me but I've always paid attention to the subject when it comes up in books, articles or on the tv. When it works, it seems to work really well. Heard once that it works best when the spouses are besotted with each other which was surprising but I guess it means that the couples inner sanctum is protected from a third party and so the marriage stays strong.

Best of luck.

aeon456 -- I think for many people it's a case of marrying fairly young, kind of not really questioning the accepted script of 'meet, fall in love, get married, pull up the drawbridge, never sleep with anyone else ever again.' As you grow older and as you realise that you still do meet and fancy people from time to time, you also come to develop a more complex idea of what fidelity means to you as a couple, and maybe that the occasional extracurricular dalliance doesn't HAVE to be the 'relationship extinction-level event' (Dan Savage) that popular culture universally presents it as. So many movies and TV shows basically require us to swallow that narrative 'OMG he cheated! IT'S OVER!' but maybe if you talk about it ahead of time and stay open and honest with each other, than it doesn't necessarily have to be the end of the world.

Some friends of mine have been doing the open thing for a couple of years now. It sounds like it's working for them, although there has been a bit of a learning curve.